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Sasuke Hinamori
June 20th, 2008, 10:17 PM
in attemt you try
next you may not give up
well...
dont ever give up
you can't give up if its something special
and important to you
like a friend, family, or a relatationship
because then you have a piece of you missing.......lost
then you find it and remember that time you had and say.....
''wow that was a great time I had then''
never give up and never forget the special moments in your life.

Alli
June 21st, 2008, 10:21 AM
No offense, but this doesn't really...flow, per se.

like a friend,family, or a relatationship


Put a space after commas. And take the extra 'a' out of relationship.

''wow that was a great time i had then''


Capitalize I.

I don't know what to tell you. I guess go read some other poems to know what I mean by flow. Oni Raichu's poem is a good example, or my Class of 08 poem. And I'm sure there are some stickies you could read.

Sasuke Hinamori
June 21st, 2008, 10:27 AM
No offense, but this doesn't really...flow, per se.



Put a space after commas. And take the extra 'a' out of relationship.



Capitalize I.

I don't know what to tell you. I guess go read some other poems to know what I mean by flow. Oni Raichu's poem is a good example, or my Class of 08 poem. And I'm sure there are some stickies you could read.
oh ok thanks for the coment ill try harder next time its just this is my first time writeing one.

Mr. Curling Iron
June 22nd, 2008, 03:28 AM
I don't know what to tell you. I guess go read some other poems to know what I mean by flow. Oni Raichu's poem is a good example, or my Class of 08 poem. And I'm sure there are some stickies you could read.

Firstly, Hey SSS =)

Secondly, N.U.S. could have made it like that purposefully to give it an added effect of a man who has been through it all and gave up on life... Or, It could be a start on poetry xD


In attempt you try,
next you may not give up. (This seems like one sentence. Well.. sounds better as a single-sentence)
Well..
Dont ever give up,
you can't give up if its something special,
and important to you,
like a friend, family, or a relatationship I think Partner fits better bere.
a - Friend (2 syllables)
fam-lee (2 syllables)
re-lae-tion-ship (4 syllables)
part-ner (2 syllables)
because then you have a piece of you missing.. Lost. Try to keep the '...' quite short because it gets a little annoying. Also, Lost would fit better as a single-letter sentence then the beginning of the sentence on the next line. Sometimes, this is a nice effect, and works really well, but not this time.
Then you find it and remember that time you had and say, I like commas more then full stops if theres a direct quote on the next line :P
''Wow, that was a great time I had back then''
Never give up, and never forget the special moments in your life. I think the Comma after "Never give up" fits in as it makes the reader pause.

After you have written a poem, or a story, leave it alone for a while, or go to sleep and once you wake up/come back, read it with a clear mind.