Danny's Sinnoh Journey:Mystery of the Legendary Trio

[Dark_Aero]

Sorry for the people who had to suffer my last fic, hope this one is better!!!!



CHAPTER 1
I CHOOSE YOU!
Danny lay on the couch staring up at the blank ceiling.

"Danny, get up! Today is a big day!" his dad shouted from the kitchen.

"Why is today so special? It's just another Thursday." Danny moaned rolling off the couch. Danny walked over to the kitchen table.

"You start your pokemon journey today!" his dad replied putting the plate on the table.

Danny began eating.

"So, have any idea of what starter you'll choose?" his dad asked.

"No, haven't thought about that yet. I think I might choose Piplup." Danny answered putting the plate in the sink.

"Well go upstairs and get ready. Need to get there early if you wanna get the starter you want." his dad said as Danny walked up the stairs.

Danny went up to his room and put on a black T-shirt with a red pokeball logo on it, a pair of blue denim shorts, a pair of black fingerless gloves, and a pair of red and black trainers.

Danny walked downstairs and took his backpack off the table and swung it on his shoulder. Danny looked up at his dad. His dad nodded. Danny began walking out the door.

"Danny! Don't go!!" Danny's little brother, Nick screamed running into the house and clinging to Danny. "Don't go Danny! Don't go! Scary pokemon live outside!"

Danny sighed. Danny pushed Nick off onto the floor. Nick looked up at him."Nick,I have to go! Calm down, I'll be back home one day."

"No you won't! You always lie!" Nick shouted.

Danny rolled his eyes.

"At least have this." Nick cried handing a white braclet to Danny.

"What is it?" Danny asked stupidly.

"A braclet. I made it." Nick replied. Danny slipped it on.

"Well, can I go now Nick?" Danny asked.

"Sure, leave good bye!" Nick shouted running back outside.

Danny walked out the door into the quiet Twinleaf Town. The summer breeze blew through the trees silently. Danny walked up to a silver building. The glass doors slid open and Danny walked in.

The floor sparkled as Danny walked across. Danny stopped infront of the professor.

The professor cough. "Good Morning, you must be Danny."

Danny nodded.

"You want your first pokemon, don't you?" Professor Rowan asked.

"More than ever!" Danny replied.

Professor Rowan nodded and led Danny to a table with the three starters on it.

"We have Chimchar the fire type, Piplup the water type, and Turtwig, the grass type. Which one do you want Danny?"

Danny studied the three pokemon. Danny thought long and hard.

"That one, Chimchar." Danny finally answered.

Professor Rowan handed Danny the pokeball. "Take good care of it, okay?"

"I will, don't you worry. Chimchar and I are gonna be best friends." Danny smiled. Chimchar cried happily clinging to Danny. Danny laughed.

"Oh Danny, before you go, can you take this?" Professor Rowan handed Danny a pokedex. "It's a pokedex, you can record what pokemon you see and capture. There are over 150 pokemon found in Sinnoh, think you can try and find them all?"

"Whatever it takes Sir." Danny said putting the pokedex in his pocket.

Danny walked outside. Danny looked up at the clear blue sky. A pack of Starly and Staravia flew above their heads.

Danny saw a Shinx laying under a tree. "Cool, a Shinx. Ready to battle Chimchar?"

Chimchar cried happily jumping off Danny's shoulder. The Shinx got up and cried deemingly.

"Chimchar, use your Scratch attack!" Danny shouted.

Chimchar came at the Shinx with its claws and scratched at it. Shinx got hit.

"Alright Chimchar, Ember!" Danny ordered. Chimchar shot fire at the Shinx. Shinx fainted.

"Nows my chance." Danny mumbled taking out a pokeball. Danny threw it at the Shinx. The ball hit Shinx's head and sucked it in. The ball vibrated rapidly. It finally stopped and pinged. Danny picked up the ball.

"Thanks Chimchar." Danny smiled rubbing Chimchar's head. Chimchar cried happily. Chimchar jumped back on Danny's shoulder. They walked down the route to the next town.

[andrew98]

well the battle wasnt really that long. Try using a bit more detail. Like what did Nick look like and what did the starter Pokemon look like. Also the battle could have been a bit longer. I couldnt see any spelling mistakes. I'll keep reading this because its good and got potential! :) Good luck!

[IceDragon2439]

Well, it is a decent beginning. Overall they story seems to have no emotion. He gets up, eats breakfast, changes...to me there isn't emotion in it. Also, you need to be a little more descriptive. What did he eat, how did it look outside...things like that. And try to pace it a little more. A lot happens very quickly. Like I said, a decent start, just try to give a little more emotion with description and slow it down a bit. I can't wait to read more.

[Dark_Aero]

alright, i'll change things up next time, more detail and stuff

[Aurapostle]

Danny layed on the couch, staring up at the blank ceiling.
Why was Danny laying on the couch? Where on the couch was he laying? What did the ceiling look like? Was it rough? Was it white? Blue? Red?

"Danny, get up! Today is a big day!" his dad shouted from the kitchen.
Where's the kitchen? How did his dad sound?

"Why is today so special? It's just another Thursday." Danny moaned rolling off the couch. Danny walked over to the kitchen table.
Why isn't Danny excited about getting his first Pokemon? He knows that it's going to happen, as stated below when states which starter he might get.

"You start your pokemon journey today!" his dad replied putting the plate on the table.
The plate had what on it? Where did he place the plate? Infront of Danny? On the side of him?

Danny began eating.
What was Danny eating?

"So, have any idea of what starter you'll choose?" his dad asked.
Where was his dad? Was he still standing? You never said what he did after he put the plate on the table, therefore it makes it seem like he's just hovering above Danny. If so, you should add that and explain Danny's feelings about that. Example: Was he uncomfortable with his dad their? You know, things like that.

"No, haven't thought about that yet. I think I might choose Piplup." Danny answered putting the plate in the sink.
Danny hasn't thought about it, yet he thinks he's going to choose Piplup? How did he suddenly get to the sink? How does he eat so fast?

"Well go upstairs and get ready. Need to get there early if you wanna get the starter you want." his dad said as Danny walked up the stairs.
When his dad says "Need to get there early.." it makes it sound like he's talking about him, despite having "you" said. You should add a "You" infront of need. That way, the reader knows who the father is directly speaking to and he doesn't seem like an idiot; unless you want him that way.

Danny went up to his room and put on a black T-shirt with a red pokeball logo on it, a pair of blue denim shorts, a pair of black fingerless gloves, and a pair of red and black trainers.
Where was his room? What did it look like? How did he enter his room? His appearance is too much like Ash for my taste, but whatever floats your boat. You should describe him as he's changing. That may sound very strange, but it helps all the better put interest in your story.

Danny walked downstairs and took his backpack off the table and swung it on his shoulder. Danny looked up at his dad. His dad nodded. Danny began walking out the door.
How did he walk? Was it quickly?

"Danny! Don't go!!" Danny's little brother, Nick, screamed running into the house and clinging to Danny. "Don't go Danny! Don't go! Scary Pokemon live outside!"
I love the way you catch the typical little brother personality. It was actually very cute of him to do that. Although, "pokemon" should be "Pokemon" and "Danny's little brother, Nick screamed..." should be "Danny's little brother, Nick, screamed..."

Why was Nick outside? It's morning.. what is he doing outside so early?

Danny sighed. Danny pushed Nick off onto the floor. Nick looked up at him."Nick,I have to go! Calm down, I'll be back home one day."

"At least have this." Nick cried handing a white braclet to Danny.
Can you please describe the braclet more?

"What is it?" Danny asked stupidly.
Excellent! "Danny asked stupidly" was a great example of what you should have been doing all along (though, of course, not too much).

"Sure, leave, good bye!" Nick shouted running back outside.
He meets him at the door... running in.. and then he just leaves like that. Why was he running in? Was he psychic or something and knew that Danny was leaving?

Danny walked out the door into the quiet Twinleaf Town. The summer breeze blew through the trees silently. Danny walked up to a silver building. The glass doors slid open and Danny walked in.
You had a perfect image right there and you ruined it when you said he walked to a silver building. How did he get their? Sometimes stating the obvious is a bit better for the reader because it adds more detail for you. What sound did the glass doors make?

You should have continued describing Twileaf Town. What did it smell like? Did it smell like the aroma of flowers? You know, things like that make the reader want to continue reading and creates an image, which is what you want to happen, for the reader to see in their head.

The floor sparkled as Danny walked across. Danny stopped infront of the professor.
The floor... sparkled? You make it sound like their's glitter everywhere. Maybe using shined and then describe how it shined.

Where is the professor standing? You don't describe how you got to something and where it was in any of the parts where Danny is travelling to.

The professor coughed. "Good Morning, you must be Danny."

"You want your first Pokemon, don't you?" Professor Rowan asked.
Again, Pokemon.. not pokemon. How did he suddenly go from "Professor" to "Professor Rowan?" He needs to introduce himself.

Professor Rowan nodded and led Danny to a table with the three starters on it.
What did the table look like? Where was the table? Describe the room.

"We have Chimchar, the fire type, Piplup, the water type, and Turtwig, the grass type. Which one do you want Danny?"
Again, he never even mentioned his name or did any small talk with him.

Danny studied the three pokemon. Danny thought long and hard.
Whoa! You shouldn't be so repetative and it would sound a lot better if you would combine them:

Danny studied the three Pokemon, thinking long and hard...

Then go on to what he was thinking.

"That one, Chimchar." Danny finally answered.
The beginning of the story showed him as him wanting to get a Piplup. Why did he change his mind.

Professor Rowan handed Danny the Pokeball. "Take good care of it, okay?"
He's just GIVING him the Pokemon. (You need to capitilize Pokemon and Pokeball.. it's getting very annoying)

"I will, don't you worry. Chimchar and I are gonna be best friends." Danny smiled. Chimchar cried happily clinging to Danny. Danny laughed.
How did he suddenly get out of the Pokeball? You never mentioned they were out. You just stated that they walked over to the table that the Pokeballs were sitting on.

"Oh Danny, before you go, can you take this?" Professor Rowan handed Danny a pokedex. "It's a Pokedex, you can record what Pokemon you see and capture. There are over 150 Pokemon found in Sinnoh, think you can try and find them all?"
He asked him to take it, yet he just gives it to him? That doesn't make sense. The Pokedex needs to have a CAPITAL P! Everything Poke should use a CAPITAL P!

"Whatever it takes, Sir." Danny said, putting the Pokedex in his pocket.
... Mistakes corrected. This "Poke" thing is going to be a bad habbit if you continue to write like that.

This whole time you never thought of describing the Professor or what Danny actually looks like. You really need to add more description to your work, or it will never become successful and the reader will just get annoyed.

Danny walked outside. Danny looked up at the clear blue sky. A pack of Starly and Staravia flew above their heads.
Combining: "Danny walked outside. Danny looked up at the clear blue sky." would be a good idea to do. Describe the Starly and Staravia. How did he know what a Starly and Staravia looked like?

Danny saw a Shinx laying under a tree. "Cool, a Shinx. Ready to battle Chimchar?"
Where was the tree? How did he know what it was without looking at the Pokedex to find out? He's new. Why would he know all of this without actually having contact (which you never stated happened) before seeing the Shinx. Why was he so excited the Shinx was even there?

Chimchar cried happily, jumping off Danny's shoulder. The Shinx got up and cried deemingly.
You never said how Chimchar got on Danny's shoulder. The Shinx got up? Was it sitting down? If so, why didn't you state that when Danny first saw the Shinx?


"Chimchar, use your Scratch attack!" Danny shouted.

Chimchar came at the Shinx with its claws and scratched at it. Shinx got hit.

The description here really needs to be worked on. How sharp were Chimchars claws? What did the Shinx do? It just sat there? Things don't just sit their, especially Pokemon, and let someone come at it.

"Alright Chimchar, Ember!" Danny ordered. Chimchar shot fire at the Shinx. Shinx fainted.
Describing the "shot of fire" would be helpful to us see it happen.

"Now's my chance." Danny mumbled, taking out a Pokeball. Danny threw it at the Shinx. The ball hit Shinx's head and sucked it in. The ball vibrated rapidly. It finally stopped and pinged. Danny picked up the ball.
This is boring. You need to make it sound exciting and again, add description. That's what makes a good story; description. You have little to no description in this whole fanfic and you have trouble combining two thoughts that could easlily be used in the same sentence.

You could combine: ""Now's my chance." Danny mumbled, taking out a Pokeball. Danny threw it at the Shinx."

"Thanks Chimchar." Danny smiled rubbing Chimchar's head. Chimchar cried happily. Chimchar jumped back on Danny's shoulder. They walked down the route to the next town.
When did he get on Danny's shoulder and why does this sound exactly like Ash? Originality, my friend.

Things you need to work on:
1. Punctuation - Poke is always used with a capital P. That was something that you had errors with all throughout the fic and it was really annoying seeing them happen. Proofread your work thoroughly before submitting it.
2. Description - Describing things; be it characters, places, or events, is very important to the reader as much as it is to you. You need to be able to describe what something was like. Remember to use your senses (smell, taste, etc.) when you describe something and don't be afraid to make something long. Many readers prefer a good, long story.
3. Transaction of events - A big problem is how you get somewhere. They (the characters) just magically appear to the exact place they want to go. That gets very boring after reading it throughout something.

[Dark_Aero]

like I said before, I will fix things in the next chapter. this time i'm gonna listen to reviews and I'll change the thing that sounds like Ash.