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Buoysel
July 5th, 2008, 06:37 PM
This Is Home




Brief Summary


In a world without Pokémon, a young boy is about to unwillingly begin on the greatest adventure of all time. The fate of two worlds will lie solely in his and a friend’s hands that he has yet to meet.


Chapter 1: First Day


“Eat your breakfast. You’re going to be late for your first day,” Mr. Wilson said while he read the morning newspaper.

The middle aged man was dressed in light-blue shirt that buttoned up in the front. He wore a pair of black slacks that came short of his neatly tied black dress shoes by a couple of millimeters. He pushed up a pair of black glasses back to their original position on his nose. His perfectly combed dark brown hair seemed to give him a professional appearance.

Taylor, the boy who sat across from him at the square kitchen table looked up from his bowl of cereal. He was dressed in a yellow tee-shirt. It had a small blue circular logo of some sorts on the upper part of the left chest area. His loose fitting blue jeans draped down over the top of his grey and black teeny shoes. He had a small black digital wrist watch on his right arm. The untamed blond hair seemed to go every which way, in what appeared to be a rebellion to the otherwise tidy looking child.

Taylor pushed the spoon he held in his hand down through the layer of cheerio’s that floated at the surface of the milk. “Dad, I can only eat so fast. And besides, if you had gotten me up earlier, then we wouldn’t be having this problem.” He raised the spoon out of the bowl and opened his mouth as a few drops of milk dripped off the bottom of the spoon.

“What, aren’t old enough to get up by yourself?” Mr. Taylor inquired.

“You know,” objected Taylor with a mouth full of cereal and milk, “if I had an alarm clock that worked, it wouldn’t be so hard.”

“Okay, you got me there,” said his father. “Now stop talking with your mouth full and finish your cereal.”

“Fine,” Taylor replied and continued to eat as fast as he could.

“If you hurry you may still be able to catch the school bus,” Mr. Wilson informed Taylor.

“Just what I always wanted, to ride the school bus to the first days of Jr. High,” Taylor replied in a low sarcastic tone.

***

“Are you ready?” his father asked.

“Yeah, I think so. I hope so,” Taylor spoke nervously as he walked towards the passenger side of his dad’s dark blue Dodge Durango.

They opened the front door on either side and climbed in on the side at which they stood. Taylor climbed in and placed his orange and black backpack in the floorboard in between his feet. With his left hand he buckled the seatbelt with little though, it was almost instinct. He patiently waited for his father to start the vehicle and drive away.

His father climbed in the driver side and sat his stainless steel coffee cup down in the center console. He placed the keys in the ignition and turned them to the start position and held it there while the starter turned the engine. The engine roared to life, his father let go of the key and it snapped back into the on location. His father finished gathering himself in to the SUV. He pulled the door closed and reached for his seatbelt with his right hand in a similar fashion to Taylor.

They rode in silence to end of the block were Mr. Willison stopped. They had reached the designated bus stop.

“Have a good day,” Mr. Wilson said, as Taylor opened the passenger door of the Durango.

“You too, with your new job and all,” Taylor said to his dad as he exited the SUV.

“I will, you be careful, don’t start any trouble. I can’t leave my new job until the end of the day, so you will be stuck at school if anything happens.”

“Ok, I won’t start any, but I might finish it,” Taylor stated with a grin, obviously joking.

Taylor was not the type of person to back down from bullies. He has been in a few fights, but all were defending himself. His dad knew that he would be ok. The school was a good school and there was a zero tolerance policy for bulling. He closed the passenger door and his dad drove off.

Impatiently waiting for the bus he looked to the north were the vehicle would eventually come from. A thick blanket of fog rolled in from behind him as he turned to look to the south to make sure he had not missed the big yellow twinkie.

“Where did this fog come from?” Taylor though aloud. He turned around to try to see the source of the mist.

The fog made it extremely hard to see more than a few feet. Taylor was startled to see a light appear in the distance. It appeared to be originated by a pair of headlights from a car in the distance. The lights seemed to be moving very slowly in his direction. Several agonizing minutes had passed and the object had only come half as close as what it had first started. Taylor was now understandably afraid for his well being. As the object drew even nearer, he could not help but noticing that the light was not a pair of headlights. The light was being omitted by an orb. Taylor could not make out the exact size of the mysterious orb of light, because the light seemed to bounce off the moisture in the air. With every inch it grew nearer, it appeared to fade a little.

He heard the familiar noise of the diesel engine as it pulled the school bus along the road. He slightly turned his head to the right, but did not to let the light orb out of his view. He saw what he was hoping for, the headlights that belonged to the bus. He turned his full attention once again to the light orb. It must have heard the bus coming as well, because it had doubled in speed, but it also doubled the rate at which it disappeared. It was less than ten feet in front of him when it completely disappeared.

The occupants on the bus would have just been able to see the unexplained object if they had been a second earlier. The school bus came to a stop behind him. Taylor quickly turned around and briskly walked to the open door, and safety.

As he put his right foot on the first step he felt a short bust of a slight breeze that smelled of a forest. He dismissed the smell as nothing more than a hallucination.

“Are you okay?” the older male bus driver asked. “Your face is all pale, you look like you have seen a ghost.”


“I’m fine,” Taylor replied quickly. “I think,” he added under his breath, as he sat down in the first seat that was available behind the driver. The doors on the bus closed, and the large yellow vehicle left the scene of the incident.


And with that, he was on his way to school for the first day.

Gooberdued
July 5th, 2008, 06:51 PM
Hmm... It is a certainly a unique idea. I've thought about writing a fic sort of like this myself a few times, but never got around to it. I'm interested to see where this goes. There aren't any major mistakes that I noticed, but I'm sure others will nitpick it apart :/

EDIT: Wait, this shouldn't be in the Writers Lounge, you should have posted with the other Fanfics.

Buoysel
July 5th, 2008, 10:40 PM
Hmm... It is a certainly a unique idea. I've thought about writing a fic sort of like this myself a few times, but never got around to it. I'm interested to see where this goes. There aren't any major mistakes that I noticed, but I'm sure others will nitpick it apart :/

EDIT: Wait, this shouldn't be in the Writers Lounge, you should have posted with the other Fanfics.

Its not done yet and if you mean because there are no pokemon they will show up later. the friend he has yet to meet is one.

I wanted to see what ppl thought on the level of description and any grammar errors. I do not want to post it in with the other fics until it is almost perfect, and complete.

Astinus
July 6th, 2008, 12:56 AM
I get what you're looking for, kc. Hopefully, you'll take whatever advice I give you to improve your writing.

Prologue


In a world without Pokémon, a young boy is about to unwilling began on the greatest adventure of all time. The fate of two worlds will lie solely in his and a friend’s hands that he has yet to meet.
Just as an irk: The double-space between paragraphs bothers me. It might just be me, so I'll move on.

This really isn't a prologue. Prologues have events that take place before the main storyline that are important to be shown. What you have here currently is just a summary of the story that you're writing. It's really not needed.

The middle aged man was dressed in lite blue shirt that buttoned up in the front. He wore a pair of black slacks that came short of his neatly tied black dress shoes by a couple of millimeters. A pair of black glasses and perfectly combed dark brown hair seemed to give him a professional appearance.
"light" and it should be hyphenated with "blue", since the shirt is not light and blue, but is light-blue.

This is what's known as a "listed description". You just tell the reader how the character looks. What would be better is to place the description into the narration, so the flow isn't interrupted by boring lists.

He shifted his glasses up his nose, adding to the professional look.

then we wouldn’t behaving this problem.”
"be having"

Don't forget to proof-read over your story before you actually post it to catch typos like this. "Behaving" means something different from "be having".

object Taylor with a mouth full of cereal and milk
"objected"

Make sure your fic remains in the same verb-tense.

“Ok you got me there,”
Write out that word: "okay". And you need a comma after it, since it's an interjection.

to ride the school to the first days of Jr. High,
XD This is why you should double-check your work. I don't think Taylor is going to be riding the school.

With his left had he reached over his right shoulder
"hand"

I'm beginning to wonder why you have an entire paragraph dedicated to telling how Taylor buckled his seat belt. Don't weigh your story down with unnecessary details. Just say that he buckled his seat belt. The reader wants to read about important details to the story.

obliviously joking.
"obliviously" means to be unaware. "obviously" means easily understood. You want the latter.

Impatiently waiting for the bus he looked to the north were the bus would eventually come from. A thick blanket of fog rolled in from behind him as he turned to look to the south to make sure he had not missed the bus.
“Where did this fog come from?” Taylor though aloud. He turned around to try to see the source of the fog.
Mix up your words when writing. You can use more descriptive words rather than just the same ones. Like rather than saying "bus, bus, bus", try "vehicle". Or, for perhaps funny reasons, try "large yellow smelly thing".

He heard the family noise of the diesel engine
"familiar"

It was less than 10 feet in front of him when it completely disappeared.
Write out numbers less than 100.

“Your face is all pail,
"Pail" is another word for "bucket". You want "pale".

you look like you seen a ghost.
"you have seen"

-

It's not that bad of a story. You've taken a different route for a Pokemon fanfic, so I'm interested to see how this goes.

Just make sure to work on your grammar, especially on your homophones. Read over your story before posting.

Other than that, no real problems. Great job!

Buoysel
July 6th, 2008, 08:55 AM
at least ppl like the plot.



Other than that, no real problems. Great job!


Wow, I think the effect would have been similar if I printed it out and put it though a paper shredder. j/k


This is what's known as a "listed description". You just tell the reader how the character looks. What would be better is to place the description into the narration, so the flow isn't interrupted by boring lists.

i know what you mean i am just no sure how to do it. could you post some more examples, they don't have to be of my writhing,

but thank you, how am I suppose to know when I mess up if ppl don't tell me.

I think I should get you to proofread my homework, with sklils like that I would pass with no problem.

i'll go edit it now.

Edit:

How are the descriptions?

How is the length?

icomeanon6
July 6th, 2008, 10:14 AM
Here's one thing I noticed pretty early on after reading Asty's comments: You appear to have actually edited your post to revise your previous work. Congratulations, you've officially earned the title of "Not a n00b." I hereby dub you as "Newb." (There's actually a difference between the two phrases!)

Now for my opinion on the story. I think it shows a good deal of promise, and the fact that the beginning is significantly different from other "boy eats breakfast and starts adventure" beginnings is a good sign. The scene with the fog was intriguing, and it does a good job of making sure that readers will come back to read future chapters.

Although you've done a nice job with fixing your mistakes so far, there are still a few that I've noticed.

In a world without Pokémon, a young boy is about to unwilling began on the greatest adventure of all time.Since you write "about to," it should say unwillingly begin.

They rode in silence to end of the block were Mr. W stopped.I wouldn't shorten it to "Mr. W." Since you write "Mr. Wilson" earlier in the story, it may confuse some people momentarily.

Here's some advice that's a bit more story-specific than simple grammar mistakes: you do a good job of describing how characters are dressed, but I would try to delve into their personalities and traits a little more, like you do with your description of Taylor and his interactions with bullies. I'm personally interested in learning more about his dad as a person, maybe you should tell us a little more about him in later chapters.

Overall, it was pretty well written and does a fine job of getting the reader interested. I'm looking forward to reading more of this!

txteclipse
July 6th, 2008, 11:42 AM
His father climbed in the driver side and sat his stainless still coffee cup down in the center console.

"Steel" rather than "still".

That's all I really feel like pointing out, although there were a few more mistakes. The story engaged me to such a degree that I didn't take the time to memorize where the rest were. That said, I'm not the kind of person to go back and look for them XD *shot for laziness*

This is intriguing, to say the least. The story obviously takes place in the real world (although I'm sure some not-so-real things will occur), and I can't say I've ever seen a pokemon fanfiction done this way. So the originality factor is fairly high for now, which is usually unheard of in new writers, and that's a very good thing. Keep up the good work in that aspect.

As a final note, you're killing me with that cliffhanger. I'm convinced that a pokemon has just gotten on the bus with Taylor, but I'm confounded as to what it could be. Something that creates fog, glows, floats, can turn invisible, and smells of a forest...I have no idea. Awaiting your next chapter with strained patience.

Buoysel
July 6th, 2008, 04:36 PM
The best thing about this still being a work in progress is that I can change it around as needed. Thank you for the good reviews, just what I need to hear. I didn't know if it was worth writhing or not, now I do.

"Steel" rather than "still".

fixed


The story obviously takes place in the real world (although I'm sure some not-so-real things will occur),
.

You are right there, and you are also a LONG way off too.



I wouldn't shorten it to "Mr. W." Since you write "Mr. Wilson"

Will fix those as well, does this mean I get promoted again?


The next chapter will take longer, because I just got an idea form txteclipse's post. Will post when complete.

EDIT:
wow almost a hundred views in two days.

Sonikku
July 7th, 2008, 05:04 PM
This story is great! I love to write fantasy and sci-fi too. I haven't quite yet found the insparation I'm looking for but when I do you'll be the first to know.

This story is great! I love writeing fantasy and sci-fi too. I havent quite found the insparation I'm looking for yet but when I do you'll be the first to know.