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View Full Version : The Sinnoh Adventure. Chapter 1. "The Adventure Begins"


iRawr-x
July 8th, 2008, 01:29 AM
A New Beginning... A new hero... A new region.. With New Pokemon to Encounter!..
*Gotta Catch 'em all Pokemon*

(The ship is traveling towards the Sinnoh region)

Its almost dawn, The sun will be rising soon within 4 hours.
"Ah-hoy there mate" The captain said, "Hey there captain, When will we be at Sinnoh Region?" said the Mysterious Trainer, "Err, From the looks of my 'ol clock about 2 more hours" the captain replied.

1 hour has now passed, And the captain declared it to be a dinner!

"All ahoy everyone on board, Let's get to me 'ol dining table, We have some chicken and stake, CHOP, CHOP!" Everyone gets to the dinning table, But not the Mystery Trainer..
"*sigh* I wonder what Sinnoh region would be like, I havn't got atleast 1 Pokemon.. I wish I could catch one.." the trainer said to himself. "HEY! C'mon the food's getting cold time to get the me 'ol dinning table CHOP! CHOP!" the captain screamed at the trainer.

The trainer ate and ate and became very full. So he went in his cabin, Looking directly at his Pokeball feeling un-confident. "No I can't do this! Or.. Just maybe.. Just maybe I could" The trainer talked to himself. He gazed at the window, And suddenly everything stopped. "Huh? We are here now?" said the Trainer.

The trainer ran outside. And his heart beated very fast. As he saw the beautiful region. And staring at Twinleaf city. He ran as fast as he could so he could get a better view.
As he ran he tripped! "Yaaaowwchh" He screamed. He saw in front of him they were Brown Shoes, He standed up.. It was Prof. Birch "Ah, It must be the very young trainer.. Errr, What was the name again?" said Prof. Birch, "Oh Prof. Birch Its me Aj ;D" The young trainer smiles. "Ah I heard you still havn't got a pokemon but I could fix that, Come into my lab I will show you something". Then they walked..

(The Story Continues ;D)

Buoysel
July 8th, 2008, 04:33 AM
Man, do you have a lot of errors. Let’s take this one paragraph at a time, shall we begin?

"Ah-hoy there mate" The captain said.
"Hey there captain, When will we arrive at Sinnoh Region?" asked the Mysterious Trainer,
"Err, from the looks of my 'ol clock about 2 more hours" the captain replied. Each time someone new starts talking, you need to start a new paragraph.

“When well we be at” does not sound right, not to mention it’s not proper English.

Try to stay away form “said.”

From does not need to be capitalized if it is not at the beginning of the sentence.


1 hour has now passed, And the captain declared it to be a dinner!

"All ahoy everyone on board, let's get to me 'ol dining table, we have some chicken and steak, CHOP, CHOP!"
Everyone gets to the dining table, but not the Mystery Trainer.

"*sigh* I wonder what Sinnoh region would be like, I haven’t even got one Pokemon. I wish I could catch one." the trainer said to himself.
"HEY! C'mon the food is getting cold time to get to the 'ol dinning table. CHOP! CHOP!" the captain screamed at the trainer. Spelling mistakes.

The “l” in lets and the “w” in we do not need to be capitalized.

Steak, not stake. Steak is meat. Stake is like a stake that you drive though someone’s heart.

Do not capitalize the letter after a comma.

Haven’t got even one pokemon is just a suggestion, your sentence did not make since.

The food does not own anything and it should be is instead of putting an s after food.
That makes it plural

Time to get to the, adding me just confuses the reader.

------
I can’t go on, I am falling asleep. Should of went to bed earlier.

I am not going to do the whole thing, but I think you can see where I am going with this.

Next time before you post anything, proofread and spell check.

Now I’m going to bed. Someone else can pick this apart further, if they so wish.

iRawr-x
July 9th, 2008, 02:05 AM
Sorry, I suck at grammer, I surely do need to improve.. xD

Buoysel
July 9th, 2008, 03:13 PM
Sorry, I suck at grammer, I surely do need to improve.. xD

I do too, take a look at my post if you want proof.
http://www.pokecommunity.com/showthread.php?t=144714

I can spot errors in others work, just not my own, now theres a problem.

My advice is to print it out, it might be easer to spot mistakes on paper. It works for me.

Read your story out loud, word by word. It might also.