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Lollypop
July 31st, 2008, 12:27 AM
This is only a test fan-fic for suggestions and C&C. Currently only the Prologue is on.

P.S: I know it's short but this is only for Suggestions on how on I should improve.

Pre Chapter 1, Terrifying experience.

"Hehe, you've got no where to run now. Your trainer is almost
dead and now you've got no where to run little pikachu."Announces
James, one of the Team Rocket grunts. He is extremely dumb
and always tries to think of plans to capture rare pokemon and
always fails.

"Pika, pika!! Pikachu!!(You'll never catch me)" Squeaks Pikachu,
the famous pokemon trainer Ash's best pokemon. It is loyal to
Ash and Ash's amazing pokemon team. He wants to battle with
Ash until Ash becomes a Pokemon Master.

"Pika,Piiii......(Thunderbo)" Shouts Pikachu before the screen
turns pitch black.....

Buoysel
August 1st, 2008, 07:57 PM
...before the screen turns pitch black.....


A little confusing, what screen?

You capitalize Pikachu sometimes, either all or nothing.

It is really hard to give any advice on something this short.

I am curious to see what happened to Ash (even though I am tired of Pikachu(die fur ball(oh sorry))).

---------------
"Hehe, you've got no where to run now. Your trainer is almost
dead and now you've got no where to run little pikachu," announces
James, one of the Team Rocket grunts. He is extremely dumb and always tries t...

Punctuation goes inside the quotes.

"Pika, pika!! Pikachu!!(You'll never catch me)" Squeaks Pikachu.

the famous pokemon trainer Ash's best pokemon.

This sentience makes no since what so ever.

He is loyal to Ash and his amazing pokemon team. He wants to battle with Ash until he becomes a Pokemon Master.

If you are going to call Pikachu "he" in one sentence then call it he in all of them. Speaking of "he", use pronouns such as he, instead of Ash this and Ash that.

DGexe
August 1st, 2008, 09:02 PM
To start, I’d like to say this; as it was already mentioned, you need description. We as readers are just thrown right into the story without any idea how the events came about or where James and Pikachu even are. What is the scenery like? How did these events come to fruition? What happened to Ash and how did it happen?

Certain things also don’t quite make sense here; if this is the Anime version of everyone that we’re speaking of within the chapter, how did James get so darn lucky to the point of him cornering Pikachu in such a situation and taking out Ash’s “amazing Pokémon Team” as you put it? Where are Jessie and Meowth? What about Ash’s companions? Where are they and how did they not come into the picture. You need to clear things up like this so we as readers better understand the events taking place.

Now, I’ll move on to some grammar issues. Things marked in red are items that need to be added in, and things in green are items that need to replace whatever is already there. Things in blue are rearrangements.

Pre Chapter 1, Terrifying experience.

First off, “pre chapters” are typically called “preludes” or “prologues”; this may not be a huge issue, but simply a matter of preference. We’ll see if someone else mentions it. Second, you don’t need a period at the end of the title; it is not a sentence but merely a thought/phrase.

"Hehe, you've got no where to run now. Your trainer is almost
dead and now you've got no where to run, little Pikachu,”Announces
James, one of the Team Rocket grunts. He is extremely dumb
and always tries to think of plans to capture rare pokemon; and he
always fails.

First off, I added in that red comma because there needs to be one between what the speaker is saying and who they are addressing it to, if the addressee’s name is mentioned (as it is in the case of James saying “little Pikachu”. Also, “pikachu” needs to be capitalized, generally. I took the liberty of doing so within your post. The green comma is in there to properly separate the last spoken word and the quotation mark; this generally does not need to be done if the spoken sentence is a question or an exclamation. Question and exclamation marks can remain, but periods can not.

Also, “Announces” needs to be separated from the end quotation mark with a space and ought not to be capitalized. Next, I took the liberty of separating the very last phrase with a semi-colon to make it look cleaner. There were too many commas at the end.



"Pika, pika!! Pikachu!!(You'll never catch me)," Squeaks Pikachu,
the famous pokemon trainer Ash's best pokemon. It is loyal to
Ash and Ash's amazing pokemon team. He wants to battle with
Ash until Ash becomes a Pokemon Master.

Next off, you need a space between “Pikachu!!” and “(You’ll never catch me) and a comma between the closing parenthesis [ ) ] and the end quotation mark. Also, I’ve made “Squeaks Pikachu” for two reasons; you can either rewrite it or fix the capitalization. If you go with the second option, decapitalize “Squeaks”. If you go with the first option, you may want to stay "Pika, pika!! Pikachu!! (You'll never catch me)," Pikachu squeaks,.

Third on the list is the way you’ve put in the last sentence. It seems very out of place within the paragraph and probably ought to be placed in the part about how Ash was so badly injured (if you put that in). If that is put in, I’d suggest a wording like this:

He wanted to battle with Ash until the trainer became a Pokémon Master, but now that Ash was so badly hurt… and go from there.

"Pika,Piiii......(Thunderbo)," Shouts Pikachu before the screen turns pitch black.....

Last, “Thunderbol” needs a “t” at the end, the red comma between the closing parenthesis and the end quotation mark, and “Shouts” shouldn’t be capitalized unless rewritten like the blue part above. Last, the six periods ought to be taken down to three; ellipses, which are used when a word or group of words are omitted, is composed of only three periods. The sole exception to this is when it is at the very end of a sentence or paragraph, as is the case of the ending group on your last paragraph. Those kinds receive four periods instead of three (at least, this is what a friend of mine who is an English guru to the freakiest extremes claims).


One last thing or two; either capitalize all Pokémon names, or don’t. It goes either-or in Pokémon fan-fiction. And last but not least, you probably ought to place é in Pokémon; it is in there within canon, and you’re free to copy and paste it from my post if you can’t find the Character Map program in Windows or have trouble finding it in Symbols within Microsoft Word.

That’s it for now; I hope it helps!

--DG

Lollypop
August 3rd, 2008, 02:40 AM
Mods please close this. Thank you to everyone who posted here. I will release a new fanfiction tommorow at aproximately 6PM UTC+10 or earlier.