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View Full Version : Leaving Loose ends


Tokin
August 29th, 2008, 01:15 AM
This is my first attempts at fanfiction, in this story I tried to do something different than what everyone's making here, I need to know if this is ready to be posted in the main forum or if some things should be corrected since I've never done this before :3 PG 15 I think

Chapter 1-Discoveries
"Natasha, we really shouldn't be here, this place looks like a butterfree standing on it can finish tearing it down, just how long is this going to take?" Asked the young man outside, holding a pistol and looking at the unsound structure of the ruined building before him with evident nervousness, he was wearing protective gear with camouflage design, in his other hand he was clutching a hazard protection hood.
"Just be patient Sean, it's one of those old computer models, really slow, not to mention completely thrashed, I'd like to see YOU do it" Replied a female voice coming from the darkness inside the ruins."We have to dow hat we have to do, don't we?"
"Allright, allright" Said Sean. "I'm just saying, this zone isn't too secure, not just because of the building, it's not secure yet" he said, as he started pacing around, playng with his gun
"Next time I tell the chief to put me up with someone else if you're so scared" replied Natasha from inside the building."All right, all done, I'm coming out, keep those pants of yours dry"Said Natasha, her voice becoming clearer, as she neared the entrance of the ruined building.
"Well, that's more like it dear, hey, you sound a lot angrier than yesterday, something off?" Said Sean with a smile.
The Typhlosion came up to Sean on all fours, holding some sort of disk, she was wearing similar clothes to the human, she didn't have a weapon, but she didn't need one.
"Here you go" She said, standing on her hind legs and giving the disk to Sean. "The absolute top secrets of this Team Rocket base, next time, you come with me, that keyboard is made for human fingers! Typing in that thing is a nightmare"She looked at her headset. "And I'm not map, it's this damn translator screwing up again, would it kill them to make things right?"She said, poking it.

They walked together back to where their vehicle, stanidng on a partially destroyed road, was.
"I remember this place before the war"Natasha said, first it was a forest, then that Rocket complex showed up, then the bombings came, our bombings"She sniggered."And now look at it, a wasteland, pretty much like anything surrounding our District"
"Yeah, I know, I really hope the guys at botanics can make miracles" Sean said, as he started driving the vehicle to a small collection of few, yet large and tall buildings, in stark contrast with the ruined collection of buildings about to collapse they were leaving behind.
"As they entered the zone, more and more groups of soldiers, both human and pokemon were rounding up small groups of wild pokemon, a blaziken was talking on a loudspeaker:"You will be now passed to the health care area prior to your final relocation inside District 1, even if you are not planning to stay here permanentle, you are required to go with it"
"Looks like another group, you think they're refugees?, I heard things got pretty bad up in the broder, another raid I think" Said Sean, staring at the groups that passed by, they all looked tired, dirty, sad, and somewhat relieved.
"You think they'll ever get here? too?" Sean asked Natasha.
"We're the largest of Districts Sean, they won't come here, especially with the Administrator being here, I swear there are more grunts than citizens"She said, rolling her eyes.
"Actualy, that's why I thought they might come" Said Sean before stopping and sticking his head out of the window to call one of the soldiers. "Hey, Barnes, tell the chief we got the files"He yelled.

Operations Chief Róhm was sitting behind her desk, she was a middle aged woman, who had spent most of her younger years doing exactly what she was doing at that moment, "but those were different times", She said to herself. The office was makeshift, it used to be a pokemon center storage room, retrofitting old buildings was common those doya, but she didn't like the complete lack of lighting. she was a tough woman, dressed in a camouflaged outfit without any gear, everyone had to wear it, even if they were doing office jobs like she was at that moment, even if they were mopping the floor.
She looked up when both Sean and Natasha came into the office."Sargeant Heckler, Sargeant Natasha," she adressed them, Natasha did not have a last name."Have you found anything in that abandoned rocket base?" She asked, standing up, scanning them with her stern severe look. She was a woman of few words

Sean took out the disk from his pocket."The terminal was still working, we managed to get some information ma'am"
"Yeah, right, we"Natasha muttered under her voice.
The Chief took the disk and inserted it onto a screen bolted to a wall, a ghostly keyboard appeared and information was displayed onscreen."Very well, good job, you may leave now and resume patrol duties, a level two disturbance was jsut detected in Sector 3, take a team there and investigate, I'll take it from here" She said, not staring away from the screen, sipping a cup of cofee.
Both Sean and Natasha turned around and walked yout with a weak"Yes ma'am"
"Classic Róhm" muttered Natasha once they were out of earshot "showering us in her gratefulness"
"Well, you know her, come on dear, let's help these beach boys or whatever we're supposed to do"Said Sean, patting her in the back
They did not hear the cup shatter back in the Chief's office.
Chief Róhm was trembling when she pressed the intercom button."I need to speak to Bergstrom immediately, yes, it's an emergency, he needs to come down here and see this"

Sydian
August 31st, 2008, 06:44 AM
Well, for starters, don't post stories in the Revision Bin. It's not used anymore, honestly. Its purpose was to put fan fiction that needed considerable revision in.

If you're ever unsure about a story being ready for the main fan fiction forum, check the Beta Section in the Writer's Lounge and ask for someone to beta your story.

And, this time grammar-related, when someone new speaks, hit enter twice.

Tokin
August 31st, 2008, 06:50 AM
okay, I'll give it a check and post it in the main forum once I do, this thread can be closed now^^