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N-XIGE
August 30th, 2008, 08:55 AM
This cannot be me...
I'm ready to give it all if it isn't insanity...

How do you want me to feel,
I was made to think I was real,

What would it take for this wound to heal...

I would call this unfair,
I never knew my life to be so bare,
Love, care, and all was never here,
You took me blind...but now, it's all clear,

I'm going to lose my mind,
I'll run away without a glance behind,
Myself can not be runed because of you,
It's inevitable...I'm going to stay away from you!

Inside I feel something like emptiness,
A chill from my soul's depress,
A pain from my distress,
This life...I must digress!

But how do I breakaway if I cannot try,
how do I know for sure that I cannot fly?
My mind will soon burst,
Cause me eyes are filled with lust,
But listen to the question I have first,
Am I lost?

But look, you that listens to me,
Is there an urge to cause calamity?
A road blurred with uncertainty?
'Tis the path to Insanity.

(I can't stop writing now, but If I'm assure of oe thing, it's that I wont lose my mind.)

Akarei Yorume
August 30th, 2008, 11:24 AM
I'm going to lose my mind,
I'll run away without a glance behind,
Myself can not be runed because of you,
It's inevitable...I'm going to stay away from you!

I'd like to make a suggestion. It'd sound better if you said "I cannot be ruined because of you" instead of "Myself cannot be ruined because of you".

But how do I breakaway if I cannot try,
how do I know for sure that I cannot fly?
My mind will soon burst,
Cause me eyes are filled with lust,
But listen to the question I have first,
Am I lost?

What I have to say here is if you want to rhyme with 'lust', then 'bust' would be better to use instead of 'burst'...

And shouldn't it be "because my eyes are filled with lust" instead of "because me eyes are filled with lust"?

But anyway, aside from that, I love it. It clearly expresses your confusion and pain... I love writing like that.

N-XIGE
August 30th, 2008, 12:52 PM
Thank you for the comments...

I meant,

My self and not myself...two different things from my point of view.

6/10:shocked:

Akarei Yorume
August 30th, 2008, 12:55 PM
Thank you for the comments...

I meant,

My self and not myself...two different things from my point of view.

6/10:shocked:

Ohhh, I get it now. ^^


And I'd give your work a 9/10.