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Yaziyo
September 2nd, 2008, 04:21 AM
Info: I actually did this for English class where we're doing "Representations of War" and we had to write a poem on war. Although if you look for techniques, you won't find a lot, I just wrote a poem spilled purely from the thoughts in my head. And even though it was for school, I actually enjoyed writing it :o And yes, the name is "A Poem About War", so don't think I was just too lazy to name it :P


A Poem about War

They told us to write a poem about war
But what do I know about war?
I’ve never shot a gun
Never shot at a man, a woman, a child.
Never even aimed one
Or touched one
I hope I never will.

Yet they make us read war poems,
Watch war movies,
Read war books.
They make us talk about their purpose,
Techniques, message.
Why glorify this atrocity?

I am not a soldier.
You will not see me “fighting for freedom”,
Expensive weaponry equipped,
Helping the rich exploit the poor,
Killing.

I am not a warrior.
You will not see me in the back of a ute,
AK strapped to my back,
In some third-world country.
Killing.

I am not a gangster.
You will not see me on the streets,
Bandana wrapped around my head,
Drive-bying a rival hood,
Killing.

I am not a militant,
You will not find me in some cave,
Wearing some trademark headpiece
Devising a plan of Democide,
Killing.

I do not hate enough to kill.
Why should I?
So instead, you want a poem on war,
And here it is.

N-XIGE
September 2nd, 2008, 04:41 AM
It's not so bad, nice concept; but...it wouldn't fit your teacher's requirments; that, I'm 69% sure...

Now, ponder on this...what makes a poem a poem...the characteristics...

Maybe you should call the poem...

"The aftermath of war>"

Yaziyo
September 2nd, 2008, 06:17 AM
It's not so bad, nice concept; but...it wouldn't fit your teacher's requirments; that, I'm 69% sure...

Now, ponder on this...what makes a poem a poem...the characteristics...

Maybe you should call the poem...

"The aftermath of war>"

Thankyou for your comments, I will definitely think about what you have said about what makes a poem a poem.

"The Aftermath of War" though I think doesn't suit what I was trying to say. Although it actually is not 100% about war itself, rather my view of the whole concept of warm hence the general name and that is also why I do feel that it possibly does stray off the topic of what the teacher was looking for. But then again, I find most English teachers do prefer to read something new instead of the same ideas that they would constantly get for this topic.

N-XIGE
September 2nd, 2008, 10:28 AM
I know the title I suggested doesn't fit the poem; I was suggesting that you could use it as a base of a new poem which would be about war...good luck.

Avey
September 2nd, 2008, 11:29 AM
Yaziyo, I haven't talked to you for months! At least not since The Grand Tournament died, anyways.

Lovely poem, my old friend. It has a really strong meaning and it delivers that expertly. The tempo is nice and the way everything is said with innocence, frustration and sadness is very nice as well.

And the title is just fine. It is a poem about war, after all.

Yaziyo
September 2nd, 2008, 10:01 PM
Yaziyo, I haven't talked to you for months! At least not since The Grand Tournament died, anyways.

Lovely poem, my old friend. It has a really strong meaning and it delivers that expertly. The tempo is nice and the way everything is said with innocence, frustration and sadness is very nice as well.

And the title is just fine. It is a poem about war, after all.

Ah Oni, I had to look up your profile because you changed your name since I last saw you :p Thanks for the comments on it, glad you (seemed to at least) liked it.

And by the way, I got it back today from the teacher, she liked it too, even though I thought that I had gone a bit off the topic.

Gymnotide
September 2nd, 2008, 11:29 PM
Ohh, nostalgia. This poem brings back memories of Global Studies V and our discussion of "Just War" vs. "Necessary War" vs. "Unjust War."

Just some thoughts.

It delivers a strong message, that is for sure.
Killing is such a simple word, yet it has so much impact when repeated at the end of your four similarly formatted stanzas. The "I am not" parts emphasize deep resentment and disgust for war and the words that follow it show that there are many ways to refer to a soldier, yet none are personal and no matter what you call a mercenary of war, it is the same.

On a similar note, I noticed that in the 4 repeating stanzas, the first two and the last conveyed a sense of "war equals corruption," but the third struck me more as "war is senseless / pointless". Dunno.

The beat is off in parts and some of the stanzas could use a better transition.
For example, between the second and third stanzas, there could be better correlation / word choice. You describe war as an atrocity, however, the next stanza doesn't really enforce this thought so well. "Fighting for freedom," albeit in quotations, in my mind, paints a sense of valiance, rather than the intended "corruption".

Word choice?
I especially liked the casual flow of words - it made the poem more personal, however this also made some parts seem too casual. For example - "They make us talk about their purpose" - the word talk is very weak. With a stronger word, one could express disgust or fascination with the subject.

Take out this line.
I do not hate enough to kill.
Why should I?
So instead, you want a poem on war,
And here it is.

It seems unnecessary as you've already established that killing is bad. There shouldn't be a reason if you've done a good job making it clear that there isn't a reason. Also, the third line says "So instead..." and that would flow better following the first line than the second.

the bitter end.
September 3rd, 2008, 05:25 AM
It's not bad, are your really supposed to write a poem about war.