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bobby681
September 3rd, 2008, 08:33 AM
The flip of a coin, a roll of a dice
Boiling water, or freezing ice

Should I remember or should I forget
About that girl on the train I once met
There you were and I was scared
Now I know, I should have dared
To speak, to chat, to find out your name
Never said a word, smiled all the same
When you got off, you waved me goodbye
I was so happy, I didn't know why

Two years on and I still haven't changed
Went to the cinema, talked while it rained
I went away, it all went to pot
I thought I did, I guess I did not
I said I was sorry, that I was a twat
That you must have been blind as a bat
To make the mistake twice, you hadn't learned
That I'd mess up and leave you burned

I told her about it, she took it all in
I was quite sad, she made me grin
Couple of weeks on, I no longer cared
Something happened, I did it, I dared
To hold you in my arms, to never let go
Nothing could stop me, rain hail or snow
Then it was over, it happened so fast
From then on out, it was the past

That brings me to now, the final chapter
The burning question, the deciding factor
Where can I run to, where should I hide?
Should I rush on or should I bide
My time, untill I know
Wether it's high, or if it's low

The flip of a coin, the throw of a dice
Boiling water, or freezing ice...

Avey
September 3rd, 2008, 11:40 AM
I like this quite a lot, bobby. Chance has always been something to marvel at, seeing as you never know what's going to happen and for me, that is exactly what this poem has demonstrated. Every lyric sailed clearly in my sea of thought; your skills at keeping the tempo are very good.

I did find a few things that you might want to consider changing:

Should I remember or should I forget
About that girl on the train that I once met

The word in bold sort of crushes the tempo; I suggest taking it out.

Two years on and I still havn't changed
Went to the cinema, talked while it rained

Here, you spelled haven't wrong.

Couple of weeks on, I no longer cared
Something happend, I did it, I dared

And here, you spelled happened wrong.

Other than those mistakes, I thoroughly enjoyed the poem and I'm hoping to see more from you in the future.

N-XIGE
September 3rd, 2008, 12:33 PM
That brings me to now, the final chapter
The burning question, the deciding factor

You were trying to rhyme through out...guess this one was your flaw.

The flip of a coin, the throw of a dice
Boiling hot, or freezing ice...

Boiling hot and Freezing Ice...hot and Ice are not really Opposites...

(Could replace the Hot with water)


Hope you aren't angry...but I'll rate this...9/10

bobby681
September 3rd, 2008, 01:36 PM
Thank's for your comments, I made some adjustments. Except for the rhyme thing, I suppise its where I live but I say chapter and factor pretty much the same.

N-XIGE
September 3rd, 2008, 02:07 PM
I'm not saying that you have to change it...I'm just saying that that was where your rhyming had a cut...it's not improtant; but it comes as a break in the rhyming. That's all...good luck.