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ShadowWind
September 3rd, 2008, 03:53 PM
Here is the first page of my new story the rest will be released in about a week or so it will be around 2 or 3 pages and it will be one of my best yet!(though this is my third lol) Please tell me what you think give any suggestions you can and other then that ENJOY! I really would like some advice from some more experienced writers so any advice or suggestions or comments poitive or negative are appreciated And blue angel i would appreciate some comments from you =P


It the Last Chance


Hello, my name is Joshua Hishtogar and I live in a world where there is an evil Monarch named Shefola rules with an iron fist. Pokémon trainers are scarce nowadays do to the fact that we were given three options: Join Shefola, have a rebellion or die. This is the story of my final journey. I slowly climbed out of the cave exit with my partner, Dragonair, took a deep breath of air and said, “Well, it may have taken two days but we finally made it through the Jengai Pass.” Suddenly Dragonair collapsed; I rushed to his side and tried to get him to wake. I checked his pulse; it was faint and slow, but it was still there. I quickly gathered him in my arms and began running towards the Jengai stronghold. While running I thought, come on, Dragonair, what is wrong with you? Did that fight against that Seviper injure you? But you were barely scratched! Oh, Dragonair, I’m so sorry! I soon reached the gates to the stronghold and demanded that I was allowed in. I got to the Pokémon center and handed Dragonair to Nurse Joy. She told me not to worry and that Chansey and I will have him right as rain soon. Then they entered the operating room without another word. I waited and wondered how long it had been since they brought Dragonair in. An hour, two? The wait was maddening and time just seemed too slow. Eventually I was granted the sweet bliss of sleep.

It was hours before Chansey shook me awake and led me to Nurse Joy. Joy said; “Dragonair will be fine with just a few more days of sleep. The poison did more damage too his body then we first thought. You may take him with you once he wakes up but in the meantime just make yourself comfortable you can stay in one of our rooms until then.” There were too many emotions rushing through me at the same time; joy, sorrow, self blame, regret and too many more too name.


Meanwhile at a Palace thirty miles outside of Jengai
Advisor have you found the renegade trainer who stole the “cargo” yet? No my Lo-ord
She-e-fol-a. Then find him or it will be your head! Ye-es my Lord.

Back at the Pokémon Center
I lay restless in my bed this night with thoughts of Dragonair clouding my mind when finally I remembered what drove me too Jengai, again. I slowly leaned off the side of the bed and opened my bag and removed the item within. An item so precious, so fragile, that it would break at the slightest drop. It was a Pokémon Egg. The egg that could save Pokémon once and for all. Shefola not only ruled like a dictator but he wiped out all of the female Pokémon and put the males to work. This is when all the Pokémon trainers, breeders, professors, and scientists ran as far as they could. They took as many of their Pokémon with them as they could only the males were saved. Many were lucky too escape with any of their Pokémon. Then they hid. Yet there was a beacon of hope left for Pokémon. Shefola held 25 female eggs for himself in case he wanted too revive the species. I broke in too his palace nine days ago I have ran toward Jengai since. This is the capital of the renegade forces. This is Pokémon’s’ last chance for survival.

bobandbill
September 3rd, 2008, 11:28 PM
I'm afraid to say that this seems that it needs a lot of work, really. :/

Let's look at what you've got...
Hello, my name is Joshua Hishtogar and I live in a world where there is an evil Monarch named Shefola rules with an iron fist. Pokémon trainers are scarce nowadays do to the fact that we were given three options: Join Shefola, have a rebellion or die. This is the story of my final journey. I slowly climbed out of the cave exit with my partner, Dragonair, took a deep breath of air and said, “Well, it may have taken two days but we finally made it through the Jengai Pass.” Suddenly Dragonair collapsed; I rushed to his side and tried to get him to wake. I checked his pulse; it was faint and slow, but it was still there.
What you do wrong with your story is that you tell, instead of show. Taking the first few sentences - you straight off told us several facts like a list, not like a story. It's lacking description for one. What does the character look like? The Dragonair look like? Setting? This looks like a fan-made region here - but we have no idea what 'Jengai Pass' or outside of it looks like. With stories, it is important that you use description, and show us what things look like. I haven't a clue to what Joshua looks like, how old he is, etc. And what is the region like in terms of what Shefola has done to it? All I know is that he isn't ruling it very well at the moment, but how is it suffuring? Towns in disarray? Without description, there is no atmosphere, no tension, and nothing that really trys to hold our attention.

The opening isn't very original either, and is a bit bland. 'Hi there my name is *insert name here*' isn't quite the beginning that grabs my attention, there.
While running I thought, come on, Dragonair, what is wrong with you? Did that fight against that Seviper injure you? But you were barely scratched! Oh, Dragonair, I’m so sorry!
Seviper? What? This came right out of left field, here, along with the fact that this region is ruled by an evil guy and whatnot. It's like you just randomly threw that fact in there - but wouldn't it have been more interesting to have shown us the fight? Until you did tell is it also seemed like a random event, Dragonair fainting.
I soon reached the gates to the stronghold and demanded that I was allowed in. I got to the Pokémon center and handed Dragonair to Nurse Joy. She told me not to worry and that Chansey and I will have him right as rain soon. Then they entered the operating room without another word. I waited and wondered how long it had been since they brought Dragonair in. An hour, two? The wait was maddening and time just seemed too slow. Eventually I was granted the sweet bliss of sleep.
Also - things move way too quickly. A recap - 'Hey this is my name. There's this guy who's ruling the region. I was walking one day when my Pokemon suddenly fainted - oh yeah, we had just battled a Seviper - did I mention that - but anyways I ran to the Pokemon center and Joy took Dragonair and then I waited a long time'. That's roughly what happened, and in the space of one clumped paragraph. You've got too much happening there!

Slow down. Again - where's the description? Howe did these events happen, really? What do the places look like? It's more of a summary than a story - you're telling us what happened, but as a result we just can't get into the story. We can't feel sorry for the Dragonair, or feel Joshua's anxiety, as the writing doesn't draw us in and grab our attention. From that paragraph alone I'm sure an entire chapter could be written, if you expanded upon things.

Another thing as well - sentence length. That needs work, for all of the sentences are more or less the same length as each other! Wrecks with the pacing, and really makes it feel like one is reading a list. Change it up some - some short sentences, and long sentences. Helps a great deal, that.
There were too many emotions rushing through me at the same time; joy, sorrow, self blame, regret and too many more too name.
Watch for small errors as well - for instance the second 'too'.
Meanwhile at a Palace thirty miles outside of Jengai
Advisor have you found the renegade trainer who stole the “cargo” yet? No my Lo-ord
She-e-fol-a. Then find him or it will be your head! Ye-es my Lord.

Now that's just lazy, really. 'Meanwhile at this palace x miles away from place we don't know anything about' - that's pure telling there. It's recommended you avoid telling us where the following scene is happening like that. Rather open up with description. What does the palace look like, for instance? How big, how grand? Otherwise it is just bland, boring and seems lazy.
When people talk, they need quotation marks! And spacing inbetween each time someone else talks. Like this:
"Advisor, have you found the renegade trainer who stole the “cargo” yet?"

"No my Lo-ord. She-e-fol-a."

"Then find him or it will be your head!"

"Ye-es, my Lord."
Also, commas go before or after someone's name/title/nickname/whatever if they are referred to.
But that's still bland. Firstly - who the heck is talking and when - even I'm not sure if 'She-e-fol-a' - whatever you're trying to say there, is being said by another person, or the previous guy. How are they saying these things as well? Hyphens used for stuttering or exclaimation marks can only get you so far. Basically - this can be expanded upon by so much as well, if you try to show us what the setting is, what people look like, how they do things/say things... etc, etc.

Back at the Pokémon Center
I lay restless in my bed this night with thoughts of Dragonair clouding my mind when finally I remembered what drove me too Jengai, again. I slowly leaned off the side of the bed and opened my bag and removed the item within. An item so precious, so fragile, that it would break at the slightest drop. It was a Pokémon Egg. The egg that could save Pokémon once and for all. Shefola not only ruled like a dictator but he wiped out all of the female Pokémon and put the males to work. This is when all the Pokémon trainers, breeders, professors, and scientists ran as far as they could. They took as many of their Pokémon with them as they could only the males were saved. Many were lucky too escape with any of their Pokémon. Then they hid. Yet there was a beacon of hope left for Pokémon. Shefola held 25 female eggs for himself in case he wanted too revive the species. I broke in too his palace nine days ago and I have ran toward Jengai since. This is the capital of the renegade forces. This is Pokémon’s’ last chance for survival.
Again - don't do the whole 'back to this place here', and vary the sentence length more!
To, not too. On the third instance into, not in too. Add that 'and' in as well. And it's best to have numbers written out if they are less than 100. But I question why it has to be 25. Why, oh why couldn't it be, say, 26? Is it 25 because it's a nice round number? And how does Joshua know that the exact number casme out to be 25, anyway?

I also question the whole 'oh, he had these eggs, cause, well, just in case'. Just in case what? That he had a change of heart about Pokemon? Rather unlikely (never mind that for 'some' reason he wants to do away with Pokemon anyways...). The plot just seems too questionable here - for reasons unknown this person came into power and is doing away with Pokemon, only luckily he had kept some female eggs (how did he know they were female anyway?) for reasons unknown (just in case he got hungry, perhaps?), and then the main character happene to break into the palace of said madman and steal an egg, so he can hatch it and force female Pokemon to... well, we'll leave it at that. It's simply too questionable, and may need some rethinking.

I'll leave it at that for now. Main things you need to do is to rethink your story, cover those plotholes up and all. Expand upon things as well with the power of description - this is vital for a good story. Don't rush what happens - just show us what happens, and try to get us absorbed to what's happening, instead of just blurting out the events.

I recommend you take a look at some of the better fics around here first, and see how they write their stories - it's always good to see how the established writers can do their thing. Considering this story deals with a region under the rule of a tyrant, I strongly recommen taking a look at 'The Hoenn Empire' by Acrutheo - that's a good example of a fic which shows what the region is like due to a bad leader. Talk a look at some of the writing guides as well. You may need to consider getting a beta reader for your story as well, one who can help you improve your writing skills and techniques.

And don't get discouraged. Your fic does need a lot of work just to be decent, but all writers have to start from somewhere. Take these points on board, and go back to the drawing board. The concept itself isn't so bad, but it needs more beefing up, and more consideration on your part. Good luck with your story, and I hope you will imporve from this. :)

ShadowWind
September 4th, 2008, 10:33 AM
I'm afraid to say that this seems that it needs a lot of work, really. :/

Let's look at what you've got...

What you do wrong with your story is that you tell, instead of show. Taking the first few sentences - you straight off told us several facts like a list, not like a story. It's lacking description for one. What does the character look like? The Dragonair look like? Setting? This looks like a fan-made region here - but we have no idea what 'Jengai Pass' or outside of it looks like. With stories, it is important that you use description, and show us what things look like. I haven't a clue to what Joshua looks like, how old he is, etc. And what is the region like in terms of what Shefola has done to it? All I know is that he isn't ruling it very well at the moment, but how is it suffuring? Towns in disarray? Without description, there is no atmosphere, no tension, and nothing that really trys to hold our attention.

The opening isn't very original either, and is a bit bland. 'Hi there my name is *insert name here*' isn't quite the beginning that grabs my attention, there.

Seviper? What? This came right out of left field, here, along with the fact that this region is ruled by an evil guy and whatnot. It's like you just randomly threw that fact in there - but wouldn't it have been more interesting to have shown us the fight? Until you did tell is it also seemed like a random event, Dragonair fainting.

Also - things move way too quickly. A recap - 'Hey this is my name. There's this guy who's ruling the region. I was walking one day when my Pokemon suddenly fainted - oh yeah, we had just battled a Seviper - did I mention that - but anyways I ran to the Pokemon center and Joy took Dragonair and then I waited a long time'. That's roughly what happened, and in the space of one clumped paragraph. You've got too much happening there!

Slow down. Again - where's the description? Howe did these events happen, really? What do the places look like? It's more of a summary than a story - you're telling us what happened, but as a result we just can't get into the story. We can't feel sorry for the Dragonair, or feel Joshua's anxiety, as the writing doesn't draw us in and grab our attention. From that paragraph alone I'm sure an entire chapter could be written, if you expanded upon things.

Another thing as well - sentence length. That needs work, for all of the sentences are more or less the same length as each other! Wrecks with the pacing, and really makes it feel like one is reading a list. Change it up some - some short sentences, and long sentences. Helps a great deal, that.

Watch for small errors as well - for instance the second 'too'.

Now that's just lazy, really. 'Meanwhile at this palace x miles away from place we don't know anything about' - that's pure telling there. It's recommended you avoid telling us where the following scene is happening like that. Rather open up with description. What does the palace look like, for instance? How big, how grand? Otherwise it is just bland, boring and seems lazy.
When people talk, they need quotation marks! And spacing inbetween each time someone else talks. Like this:

Also, commas go before or after someone's name/title/nickname/whatever if they are referred to.
But that's still bland. Firstly - who the heck is talking and when - even I'm not sure if 'She-e-fol-a' - whatever you're trying to say there, is being said by another person, or the previous guy. How are they saying these things as well? Hyphens used for stuttering or exclaimation marks can only get you so far. Basically - this can be expanded upon by so much as well, if you try to show us what the setting is, what people look like, how they do things/say things... etc, etc.


Again - don't do the whole 'back to this place here', and vary the sentence length more!
To, not too. On the third instance into, not in too. Add that 'and' in as well. And it's best to have numbers written out if they are less than 100. But I question why it has to be 25. Why, oh why couldn't it be, say, 26? Is it 25 because it's a nice round number? And how does Joshua know that the exact number casme out to be 25, anyway?

I also question the whole 'oh, he had these eggs, cause, well, just in case'. Just in case what? That he had a change of heart about Pokemon? Rather unlikely (never mind that for 'some' reason he wants to do away with Pokemon anyways...). The plot just seems too questionable here - for reasons unknown this person came into power and is doing away with Pokemon, only luckily he had kept some female eggs (how did he know they were female anyway?) for reasons unknown (just in case he got hungry, perhaps?), and then the main character happene to break into the palace of said madman and steal an egg, so he can hatch it and force female Pokemon to... well, we'll leave it at that. It's simply too questionable, and may need some rethinking.

I'll leave it at that for now. Main things you need to do is to rethink your story, cover those plotholes up and all. Expand upon things as well with the power of description - this is vital for a good story. Don't rush what happens - just show us what happens, and try to get us absorbed to what's happening, instead of just blurting out the events.

I recommend you take a look at some of the better fics around here first, and see how they write their stories - it's always good to see how the established writers can do their thing. Considering this story deals with a region under the rule of a tyrant, I strongly recommen taking a look at 'The Hoenn Empire' by Acrutheo - that's a good example of a fic which shows what the region is like due to a bad leader. Talk a look at some of the writing guides as well. You may need to consider getting a beta reader for your story as well, one who can help you improve your writing skills and techniques.

And don't get discouraged. Your fic does need a lot of work just to be decent, but all writers have to start from somewhere. Take these points on board, and go back to the drawing board. The concept itself isn't so bad, but it needs more beefing up, and more consideration on your part. Good luck with your story, and I hope you will imporve from this. :)

I will. I always improve from the extremely long reviews because there is a better chance useful information is hidden within
i just want too point out the fact your review may have been longer then the story itself (lol)

Midnight Jasper
September 27th, 2008, 06:08 AM
I can't disagree with bobandbill, but just a few pointers -
- Skip the intro part up to 'this is the story of my final journey' and start with you climbing out of the cave with your Dragonair. This makes it seem more like a story and less like an autobiography.
- Split up your paragraphs! Every time you make a new point, or have some dialogue: new paragraph. When you get to the Pokemon center - new paragraph.
- Don't confuse direct and reported speech. Either have:
She told me not to worry and said that she and Chansey would have him as right as rain

or

She said, "Not to worry - Chansey and I will have him right as rain soon."

- Try describing a little more. While you were waiting, did you look around, notice anything in the center? While you ran to the center, what did you pass?

- Using semicolons is good, but make sure you know their rules properly. They're used to round up commas in lists, and for connecting when you have no 'and' or 'but'. Before direct speech, you have a comma or sometimes a colon.

-Headings are not a good idea. They make it too much like a script and rub out any need of description. Why can't you just de-bold it and join it to the rest of the line? An ellipses or a colon will work just fine.

Meanwhile, at a grand palace thirty miles outside of Jengai:
"Advisor..." (etc.)

So, basically, first of all, go through all of your spelling and punctuation and get rid of the 'telling' and the script. Then try adding in some description and re-organizing the sentence structures.

But really, this is a nice idea and it'll be quite cool to see it as a fully-rounded fic.