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MyLittleShop
September 7th, 2008, 05:59 PM
Friend

Standing on the beach,
no one there.
Im standing all alone,
No one to pass the time.
The sun is rising up,
My friend has just arrived.
He follows me where ever i go,
From here and there, and to and fro.
Like a tidal wave of fun,
We laugh and play in the sun.
But good things never last,
he left like he came, fast.
Its getting darker on the sand,
No more friend, hand in hand.
I lose sight on what i can reach,
Im alone, its night-time, on the beach.

Gymnotide
September 7th, 2008, 06:09 PM
[css-div="border: 1px solid black; background-color: white; width: 400px; padding: 20px;"]No one to pass the time.
No one to pass the time with.
Missing a word.

I'll edit with full review in a second.

- - - - -

he left like he came, fast.
I think left should be "leaves," since most of the poem is in present-tense anyways.

A few mechanical errors, like a forgotten apostrophe in "I'm" and splitting of "wherever" into two words. Other than that, it is an innocent poem about an equally innocent and pure rendezvous with a companion.

The part which I especially enjoyed while reading this poem is the simplicity, which gives it that aforementioned innocence.

Tidal wave as a symbol and sand as a metonymy makes me very happy as well. I think you could use a bit more sensual vocabulary, however; for example, the smell of the ocean, the feel of the breeze and the sand and the warmth of the sunlight. It would really help to capture the beach better.[/css-div]

MyLittleShop
September 9th, 2008, 01:01 PM
[css-div="border: 1px solid black; background-color: white; width: 400px; padding: 20px;"]
No one to pass the time with.
Missing a word.

I'll edit with full review in a second.

- - - - -


I think left should be "leaves," since most of the poem is in present-tense anyways.

A few mechanical errors, like a forgotten apostrophe in "I'm" and splitting of "wherever" into two words. Other than that, it is an innocent poem about an equally innocent and pure rendezvous with a companion.

The part which I especially enjoyed while reading this poem is the simplicity, which gives it that aforementioned innocence.

Tidal wave as a symbol and sand as a metonymy makes me very happy as well. I think you could use a bit more sensual vocabulary, however; for example, the smell of the ocean, the feel of the breeze and the sand and the warmth of the sunlight. It would really help to capture the beach better.[/css-div]

Thanks, any other reviews?