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Aurafire
September 9th, 2008, 08:14 PM
Well...I never thought I'd be posting a poem on PC, but I saw a lot of nice poetry here so I thought I'd contribute =P, so here we go:

This is entitled "Evil Angel", about a girl I used to be madly in love with, who proceeded to go out with me for two weeks and then suddenly break it off, so I guess there's some pretty powerful feelings written into this poem. Funny thing is, I wrote this about a year and a half later, don't really know why, but here it is:



Like an evil angel, you haunt my sweetest dreams,
Speaking oh so softly, quieting my screams.
Your words are always soothing as you glide into my room,
And though I long for your touch, your love will spell my doom.

Like an evil angel, you taint my purest thoughts.
I try so hard to slip away, but my affection you have caught.
If only I had know how much this love would crush my heart,
But I fell for your sweet lullabies, and never did we part.

Like an evil angel, your appearance does deceive.
Such beauty is intoxicating, quite difficult to believe.
All my desires are satisfied as I stare into your eyes.
How painful it is to recollect your love was only lies.

But evil angel, do not fear, my soul still wanders free,
Waiting to be cursed again by your twisted symphony.
So give me all your promises, speak your luring rhymes,
As we drift away together one last dreadful time.





So yeah, there it is. Kind of funny, I don't have a copy of it here at school, but I seem to remember the whole thing. So tell me what you think. I'm not a big poetry writer, but I get a few inspirations now and then, so go easy on me =P

Gymnotide
September 9th, 2008, 09:17 PM
[css-div="border: 1px solid black; background-color: white; width: 400px; padding: 20px;"]BAM! You thought I would never show up.

It's an earnest poem about desperation, regret, and conflicted emotions. Your poem gains most of its power from the juxtaposition of certain words and lines, such as "quiet" and "screams," "taint" and "purest," and the last two lines of the final stanza which compare "luring rhymes" and "dreadful time." The most powerful contrast would probably be, due to the repetition, "evil" and "angel," where you insert a sense of corruption into something that is supposed to be good.

The beat is off in a few places - nothing major though.
I'm going to go through this in stanzas.

Like an evil angel, you haunt my sweetest dreams,
Speaking oh so softly, quieting me screams.
Your words are always soothing as you glide into my room,
And though I long for your touch, your love will spell my doom.

The first two lines introduce the dark paramour which has afflicted the narrator with love sickness. The first line captures the essence of malevolence and chaos (in the sense that "haunt" creates a notion of nightmare, but "sweetest dreams" completely contradicts this). The second line creates a notion of silence and eerie taciturn presence that contradict "screams". These two lines effectively create tone and introduce a sense of confusion.

The second line - "Me" should be "my" in the second line, I presume. In addition, it is slightly off-beat in that you are missing a trochee (http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/trochee) before "screams." This is easily fixed by selecting an adjective like "anguished" or "silenced," depending on what you were aiming for.

You also need an extra trochee before "touch" in the final line.

The final words of this stanza really catch my eye because... They're catchy. And, uh, it also exemplifies the narrator's devotion towards the other because... Well, it takes a lot of gall to be willing to subject yourself to oblivion for someone else.

Like an evil angel, you taint my purest thoughts.
I try so hard to slip away, but my affection you have caught.
If only I had know how much this love would crush my heart,
But I fell for your sweet lullabies, and never did we part.

The first line is like a repetition of the first stanza's respective line. It further expresses the disdain that something can be both benign and malignant.

The second line is important. It introduces will. In the first stanza, you write about this compulsory affection for this woman and how you would go to the ends of the Earth for them. This line confirms that the narrator has fallen in love with this other with such a magnitude that their judgment is clouded by some veil of ignorance.

The third and fourth line need a better transition. If you read them both in the same sentence, you'll find that it makes no sense.

Like an evil angel, your appearance does deceive.
Such beauty is intoxicating, quite difficult to believe.
All my desires are satisfied as a stare into your eyes.
How painful it is to recollect your love was only lies.

Blah, blah, same thing as above, malevolence, veil of ignorance. Repetition is good; reinforces main ideas.

"a" would make more sense as "I," in the third line.

In the final line, you need to replace "recollect" with a different verb. It doesn't seem to fit in this context. The narrator did not know that the love was a lie and is currently reflecting. You need a verb along the lines of "realize/discover/etc," with an undertone of regret... But mind the placement of stresses in the word so you don't destroy the beat!

This stanza creates the illusion that the narrator has moved on. It displays resentment and dismay. This is good.

But evil angel, do not fear, my soul still wanders free,
Waiting to be cursed again by your twisted symphony.
So give me all your promises, speak your luring rhymes,
As we drift away together one last dreadful time.

Big contradiction! Just a moment ago, the narrator was speaking about how they know that the "love was only lies," however, they speak indirectly to the other, offering them a second chance. This further enforces the notion of confusion and brings back the question of "how far is the narrator willing to go for this other person?" It also brings up a new question of "why?" and "does the narrator find comfort in ignorance?"

Masochist!

Hehe. Anyway, moving on.

"Symphony" is a great word. It has a calming effect, but its placement next to "twisted" implies that it may be more associated with cacophony. Again, it's these contrasts that make your poem strong. Good word choice.

The final line that holds "last" provides great closure in that the narrator has come to terms with his feelings and will subject himself to further misery, even though he knows he will regret it. "Drift" brings in an element of some sort of dream-state which goes with the tone of the rest of the poem; the story ends with the narrator in peace.

- - - - -

Overall, a great poem with great word choice.
Fix it up a bit and it will be better than great >_o

I don't give out numbers :|[/css-div]

Aurafire
September 10th, 2008, 03:39 AM
[css-div="border: 1px solid black; background-color: white; width: 400px; padding: 20px;"]BAM! You thought I would never show up.

It's an earnest poem about desperation, regret, and conflicted emotions. Your poem gains most of its power from the juxtaposition of certain words and lines, such as "quiet" and "screams," "taint" and "purest," and the last two lines of the final stanza which compare "luring rhymes" and "dreadful time." The most powerful contrast would probably be, due to the repetition, "evil" and "angel," where you insert a sense of corruption into something that is supposed to be good.

The beat is off in a few places - nothing major though.
I'm going to go through this in stanzas.



The first two lines introduce the dark paramour which has afflicted the narrator with love sickness. The first line captures the essence of malevolence and chaos (in the sense that "haunt" creates a notion of nightmare, but "sweetest dreams" completely contradicts this). The second line creates a notion of silence and eerie taciturn presence that contradict "screams". These two lines effectively create tone and introduce a sense of confusion.

The second line - "Me" should be "my" in the second line, I presume. In addition, it is slightly off-beat in that you are missing a trochee (http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/trochee) before "screams." This is easily fixed by selecting an adjective like "anguished" or "silenced," depending on what you were aiming for.

You also need an extra trochee before "touch" in the final line.

The final words of this stanza really catch my eye because... They're catchy. And, uh, it also exemplifies the narrator's devotion towards the other because... Well, it takes a lot of gall to be willing to subject yourself to oblivion for someone else.



The first line is like a repetition of the first stanza's respective line. It further expresses the disdain that something can be both benign and malignant.

The second line is important. It introduces will. In the first stanza, you write about this compulsory affection for this woman and how you would go to the ends of the Earth for them. This line confirms that the narrator has fallen in love with this other with such a magnitude that their judgment is clouded by some veil of ignorance.

The third and fourth line need a better transition. If you read them both in the same sentence, you'll find that it makes no sense.



Blah, blah, same thing as above, malevolence, veil of ignorance. Repetition is good; reinforces main ideas.

"a" would make more sense as "I," in the third line.

In the final line, you need to replace "recollect" with a different verb. It doesn't seem to fit in this context. The narrator did not know that the love was a lie and is currently reflecting. You need a verb along the lines of "realize/discover/etc," with an undertone of regret... But mind the placement of stresses in the word so you don't destroy the beat!

This stanza creates the illusion that the narrator has moved on. It displays resentment and dismay. This is good.



Big contradiction! Just a moment ago, the narrator was speaking about how they know that the "love was only lies," however, they speak indirectly to the other, offering them a second chance. This further enforces the notion of confusion and brings back the question of "how far is the narrator willing to go for this other person?" It also brings up a new question of "why?" and "does the narrator find comfort in ignorance?"

Masochist!

Hehe. Anyway, moving on.

"Symphony" is a great word. It has a calming effect, but its placement next to "twisted" implies that it may be more associated with cacophony. Again, it's these contrasts that make your poem strong. Good word choice.

The final line that holds "last" provides great closure in that the narrator has come to terms with his feelings and will subject himself to further misery, even though he knows he will regret it. "Drift" brings in an element of some sort of dream-state which goes with the tone of the rest of the poem; the story ends with the narrator in peace.

- - - - -

Overall, a great poem with great word choice.
Fix it up a bit and it will be better than great >_o

I don't give out numbers :|[/css-div]

Wowza that's quite the critique! Thanks a lot, Gymnotide! I fixed the typos, and I can look through it again later and see about some of those suggestions you wrote =P, glad you like it though.

Pachireecko
September 10th, 2008, 08:44 AM
Well...I never thought I'd be posting a poem on PC, but I saw a lot of nice poetry here so I thought I'd contribute =P, so here we go:

This is entitled "Evil Angel", about a girl I used to be madly in love with, who proceeded to go out with me for two weeks and then suddenly break it off, so I guess there's some pretty powerful feelings written into this poem. Funny thing is, I wrote this about a year and a half later, don't really know why, but here it is:



Like an evil angel, you haunt my sweetest dreams,
Speaking oh so softly, quieting my screams.
Your words are always soothing as you glide into my room,
And though I long for your touch, your love will spell my doom.

Like an evil angel, you taint my purest thoughts.
I try so hard to slip away, but my affection you have caught.
If only I had know how much this love would crush my heart,
But I fell for your sweet lullabies, and never did we part.

Like an evil angel, your appearance does deceive.
Such beauty is intoxicating, quite difficult to believe.
All my desires are satisfied as I stare into your eyes.
How painful it is to recollect your love was only lies.

But evil angel, do not fear, my soul still wanders free,
Waiting to be cursed again by your twisted symphony.
So give me all your promises, speak your luring rhymes,
As we drift away together one last dreadful time.





So yeah, there it is. Kind of funny, I don't have a copy of it here at school, but I seem to remember the whole thing. So tell me what you think. I'm not a big poetry writer, but I get a few inspirations now and then, so go easy on me =P
Yeah well.......it's diffrent...