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N-XIGE
September 14th, 2008, 06:23 AM
My Will

What I want is not a necessity…
At least, when compared to what I must…it’s Vanity.

I will never go back on my word,
Even if it hurts the ones I love,
I will always go forward,
Even if I must scorn the gods above.

There are things I must do,
Even above my obligations & responsibilities,
Even above my devotion to you.
I must perform my duties!

I know, the will be wounds in the end,
Wounds that might not heal.
Nevertheless, my voice will not bend…
This is the strength of my will.

Gymnotide
September 14th, 2008, 09:57 PM
[css-div="border: 1px solid black; background-color: white; width: 400px; padding: 20px;"]Going through this quickly so I can go to bed.

What I want is not a necessity…
At least, when compared to what I must…it’s Vanity.

This couplet denounces the narrator's desires and prioritizes their obligations. It enforces their devotion to whatever cause they "must."

Slightly obvious, however, because of the nature of "want."

I will never go back on my word,
Even if it hurts the ones I love,
I will always go forward,
Even if I must scorn the gods above.

Once again strengthening the narrator's dedication towards their cause by showing willingness to alienating themselves from their companions, etc. and subjecting themselves to heathenism.

"Word" and "forward" make a repetition of sorts. It sounds slightly nasty if you read it the wrong way, but it also works in that the first line says "I will never," but the third says "I will always." Try adding just two more syllables to the third line.

There are things I must do,
Even above my obligations & responsibilities,
Even above my devotion to you.
I must perform my duties!

I think the second line is a bit nonsensical, as "things I must do" are obligations and responsibilities and... Well, you can't really rank something above itself.

The third line shows a deep connection with a 2nd person character, and, due to its syntactical placement, means that the connection is even more significant than the "obligations & responsibilities" in the previous line. However, if the "things I must do" are really that important, that wouldn't be true.

All in all, second line needs to change.

Final line seems a bit... Meh.

I know, the will be wounds in the end,
Wounds that might not heal.
Nevertheless, my voice will not bend…
This is the strength of my will.

First line has a slight grammatical error.

Last line is a bit redundant because "will" means "strength" itself and the "strength of my will" would mean "the strength of my strength."

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Anyway, I'm here to say that your poem is not bad, since there is no such thing >_<

It needs fixing.

My main problem is that the poem is supposed to be about "will," but also introduces "must" and "obligation," which imply that there is no choice. The two words contradict each other completely. If you must do something, even if you agree, there is no aspect of choice, which is basically what "will" is.

My favorite part of this poem was the notion of sacrifice. It employs this well to enforce the burning necessity to perform whatever it is the narrator must do.[/css-div]