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dragpyre
September 17th, 2008, 08:08 AM
Do you know what its like,
What its like to feel this,
To feel the never ending stab
The stab of a thousand knives.

Do you know what its like,
What its like to feel alone,
To feel sad and abandoned,
A new kind of hell.

Do you know what its like,
What its like to lose this,
To lose this feeling of happiness,
Its destroying me.

Comments needed

THIRTY-SIX
September 17th, 2008, 08:48 AM
It's screaming out I'm grim… but there doesn't seem to be any emotion behind it.
I mean it's too much like a bunch of songs I've heard all crammed into one.

Glitter Stain
September 17th, 2008, 12:31 PM
The main problem I can see is that it's pretty conversational which isn't really suitable for the approach this poem takes. It's a bit awkward how the first half of one line repeats the last half of the previous line. It's almost like this:

Sour Lemon
Lemon Juice
Juice Bottle
Bottle Rocket

It works for some poetry, but not really for this one.

Gymnotide
September 17th, 2008, 01:05 PM
[css-div="border: solid 1px black; background-color: white; width: 400px; padding: 20px;"]
Do you know what its like,
What its like to feel this,
To feel the never ending stab
The stab of a thousand knives.

Do you know what its like,
What its like to feel alone,
To feel sad and abandoned,
A new kind of hell.

Do you know what its like,
What its like to lose this,
To lose this feeling of happiness,
Its destroying me.

To be technical, "its" should be "it's" (all instances) and you need a question mark somewhere near the end of the stanza to signify the presence of questions.

In the first stanza, Since there are a thousand knives, there is more than one "stab" in the final line.

The major thing with this poem is poor word choice. The tempo is fine, but the rest exudes a certain monotony that repels the reader. For example, the word "feel" is a very weak word. "Feel" is in-sensitized because of its overuse and its ambiguous meaning. "Sad" is also a word that has suffered the same fate. Instead of "feeling sad and abandoned" you could say something like "suffering the torment of seclusion," or something along the lines.

You could also use imagery to your advantage. In order to capture the word "abandoned" in the previously cited line, you could allude to a derelict building, crumbling into dust. To say "losing this feeling of happiness," you could make a reference to the narrator's memory and an event that once made him/her happy; then, explain how that happiness faded away.

Right now, the tone seems resentful at the 2nd person character because he/she does not understand the narrator, though, I would be led to believe that you intended it to be somewhere along the lines of somber and lamenting.

It's a good start. You need to capture the emotion better.
[/css-div]

dragpyre
September 17th, 2008, 10:46 PM
Possible new title:
What it's like

Can you comprehend what it's like,
To feel these pangs?
To endure the never ending stabs,
The stabs of a thousand knives.

Can you even think of what it is,
To feel alienated?
To feel abandoned like an old factory,
A harsher version of hell!

Do you know what it's like,
To have yourself lose this,
To have this fall away from you,
Taken by a parasite.

Can you even hint at knowing,
The feeling of being eaten?
Feasted on by a heartless parasite,
The scum of the Earth.

Writer notes:
Better vocab'
Less-to-none repitition
Extra verse
Better Structure

More comments welcome

Glitter Stain
September 18th, 2008, 12:07 PM
Possible new title:

What it's like

Can you comprehend what it's like,
To feel these pangs?
It's a bit choppy because you've split up one clause into two lines. The comma, no matter its purpose, is incorrect. "Comprehend" doesn't belong in a poem with to-the-point language, and "pangs" is such an obsolete word that it ought to be replaced with "remorse", and of course change the adjective to match it.
To endure the never ending stabs,
The stabs of a thousand knives.
The repetition is still an issue. This poem isn't one that should use repetition.

Can you even think of what it is,
To feel alienated?
Again, be careful when you break sentences in half. Try to do it when there's a new clause or a pause.
To feel abandoned like an old factory,
A harsher version of hell!
Choice of words is a bit off; this poem is supposed to be organic by the looks of it and you've thrown in the word "factory". "Harsher" is also becoming obsolete like "pangs".

Do you know what it's like,
To have yourself lose this,
Again, try to be careful when splitting up sentences. The comma's purpose is not to form unnatural pauses. And... what are they losing?
To have this fall away from you,
Taken by a parasite.
I still don't understand what they're losing. "Fall away" doesn't really sound proper. Try "taken away". I do like how you mentioned a "parasite", though. I've never thought of it that way.

Can you even hint at knowing,
The feeling of being eaten?
That's not at all what commas are used for - and try to replace the entire first line with something that doesn't sound forced.
Feasted on by a heartless parasite,
The scum of the Earth.
Kind of gross... to be feasted on by a parasite... try figurative language that's not as gruesome. Plus, there's not much reason to repeat the parasite line. "The Scum of the Earth" has nothing to do with the previous line, and it's kind of an abrupt ending.

Writer notes:
Better vocab'
Less-to-none repitition
Extra verse
Better Structure


More comments welcome

The repetition didn't really improve, but the structure did for sure.

Gymnotide
September 18th, 2008, 12:40 PM
Quick comments this time because my internet is being tapped.

Can you comprehend what it's like,
To feel these pangs?
To endure the never ending stabs,
The stabs of a thousand knives.

@Mobile: pang does not mean the same thing as remorse.

"Never-ending" should be joined by a hyphen.

The second two lines contain neither a subject nor a verb.

Can you even think of what it is,
To feel alienated?
To feel abandoned like an old factory,
A harsher version of hell!

"Like an old factory" was a good attempt, however, you still need to work on vivid imagery. An "old factory" doesn't evoke any images in the head. "Hell" is a strong word, but without ample description, it seems dull.

The second two lines don't contain a verb. You could add "is" to the end of the third line, I guess.

Do you know what it's like,
To have yourself lose this,
To have this fall away from you,
Taken by a parasite.

The second line is a bit awkward. You aren't "having" yourself lose anything.
"Fall" isnt' the proper word to use in the third line.

You need a question mark somewhere.

Can you even hint at knowing,
The feeling of being eaten?
Feasted on by a heartless parasite,
The scum of the Earth.

You already used "parasite."

Sometimes parasites are good too.

- - - - -

You need more DESCRIPTION. Show don't tell!

Glitter Stain
September 18th, 2008, 12:46 PM
@Mobile: pang does not mean the same thing as remorse.
I'm assuming that's what it means in this context. I have a feeling he's not talking about hunger.