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Gymnotide
September 17th, 2008, 01:50 PM
HI THIS POST IS GONE.
EMO PEOPLE PLZ FEEL BETTER.

Glitter Stain
September 17th, 2008, 02:03 PM
The vulgarity... is really not needed in any poem, and out of the three times you used the same word, none of them were effective to any extent. If you can find a way to use that word creatively, go ahead. However, until that point, just stick to avoiding it in writing.

The relation of the poem to, well, anything is severely lacking. Just the thought of anyone telling another breathing human being that they should kill his or her self is disgusting. The entire thing sounds like an attack on anyone who's lonely, depressed, or uncomfortable.

The poem is also slightly repetitive. Not as much of a problem, but it looks a little sloppy when you used the same lines twice when they aren't refrains.

Gymnotide
September 17th, 2008, 02:11 PM
[css-div="width: 60%"]The vulgarity... is really not needed in any poem, and out of the three times you used the same word, none of them were effective to any extent. If you can find a way to use that word creatively, go ahead. However, until that point, just stick to avoiding it in writing.

I didn't revise the poem after writing it.
It's something I can't do when I'm writing in this way.

This is actually what I was thinking at the time. The words were intended to be extremely hard and brutish trochaic interjections.

The relation of the poem to, well, anything is severely lacking. Just the thought of anyone telling another breathing human being that they should kill his or her self is disgusting. The entire thing sounds like an attack on anyone who's lonely, depressed, or uncomfortable.

I'm not assaulting them.
I'm trying to get it through to their thick skulls that it's pointless.

If you're nice to them, they just swallow your words like sugar pills in World War II. If you pity them, they will ask for more and more. If you try to help them, they will be stubborn and insist that they are untreatable.

The poem is also slightly repetitive. Not as much of a problem, but it looks a little sloppy when you used the same lines twice when they aren't refrains.

Is this pre- or post-mini edit? It's stream of consciousness. I must think repetitively then.

You're supposed to read it mind-numbingly fast, like you're not giving the other person a chance to speak... Because you know they'll be stubborn about it anyways.[/css-div]

Unforgettable
September 17th, 2008, 04:05 PM
Actually, This poem is brilliant. And true. I'm happy to see someone else sees the way I do.
And really, to get his feelings across, the cursing fits in well.

Gym, this is not your best, but I feel more feeling behind this one. I'm not saying it's bad either. It's still good, just not your best work.

And to comment on what you said before the poem. I agree 110% I'm glad someone else does and it's not just me.

Gymnotide
September 17th, 2008, 04:53 PM
Gym, this is not your best, but I feel more feeling behind this one. I'm not saying it's bad either. It's still good, just not your best work.

Because I'm not a mean person :<
Serious, either -___-

Also, no profound imagery metaphors for you to paint </3