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Syaoran
September 23rd, 2008, 04:11 PM
This is one of these poems with a very powerful line in the end. ahahaha.


- My Personal Thief -



Do you know me
the moment I stutter
the minute I sneeze -

The lullabies you sing
sweeten the lonesome creature,
inside

Will you free me
the moment I wonder
the second I freeze;

Why is that
my most intimate is now yours?

Glitter Stain
September 23rd, 2008, 06:34 PM
It left me feeling sort of empty... the stanzas make sense on their own, or in a different order, but the way you've put them together makes them sound nearly incoherent. I think the ending stanza would've been much better as the opening stanza, with an additional stanza (not one of those already in your post) in its place.

Syaoran
September 24th, 2008, 01:39 AM
You're right in the essence that it IS lacking something, although I totally disagree that the ending stanza should be the opening one.. giving it away that soon is just bad. It's not only that, the ending stanza should leave the reader pondering.. that's why question marks are so great.

Vegeta™
September 24th, 2008, 05:25 AM
The first few lines were going somewhere til you crashed it, i think the last few lines sucked.

Glitter Stain
September 24th, 2008, 11:53 AM
You're right in the essence that it IS lacking something, although I totally disagree that the ending stanza should be the opening one.. giving it away that soon is just bad. It's not only that, the ending stanza should leave the reader pondering.. that's why question marks are so great.
Sorry, but the only thing that the last line made me ponder about was, "What is this doing here?"

By the way, the structure doesn't make sense.. why do you have inside on the line after the phrase it belongs with?

Syaoran
September 24th, 2008, 03:02 PM
The first few lines were going somewhere til you crashed it, i think the last few lines sucked.

No, it is probably too much for your understanding. I'm not going to bother explaining anything, because that's not the point in poems.


Sorry, but the only thing that the last line made me ponder about was, "What is this doing here?"

You should be thinking harder for the answer to that question. Short poems tend to give very little details but they usually convey a stronger message.


By the way, the structure doesn't make sense.. why do you have inside on the line after the phrase it belongs with?

Because it doesn't necessarily belong there, or maybe I was trying to emphasize something?

Glitter Stain
September 24th, 2008, 03:42 PM
You should be thinking harder for the answer to that question. Short poems tend to give very little details but they usually convey a stronger message.
Well... sorry, but the length of a poem doesn't affect the strength of the message it conveys. It's about the same regardless of the length. Although, you're right, if you take a risk with a short poem, you can sometimes get your point across a lot more strongly. Unfortunately, I don't think the risk paid off all that well in this poem.

Because it doesn't necessarily belong there, or maybe I was trying to emphasize something?
Uh... I'm pretty sure it belongs there...

And you're trying to emphasize the adverb "inside"?

.
September 30th, 2008, 06:25 PM
LOL serious poetry. All in all, it was good =] Of course, what would I know about poetry, right?

Gymnotide
October 1st, 2008, 12:30 AM
Uh... I'm pretty sure it belongs there...

And you're trying to emphasize the adverb "inside"?
The way the words appear in a poem are solely dependent on the writer's taste.
Since structure makes up a good deal of poetry, the writer may or may not have intended to emphasize that certain word.

Also, inside is not an adverb there.