PDA

View Full Version : My Life


Heartless33
December 13th, 2008, 03:25 PM
Not very good with poems but I will give it a shot tell me what you think.


I live in a house nice a small
I really don't have nothing at all
I stay up day and night
really can't enjoy a wounderful sight
I really wish I can play without having to pay
I wish I can enjoy my life without having to pay a price

So tell me how was it, it really didn't make any sense but I did try but I really am not good at poems so I understand if I did anything wrong.

magix7
December 13th, 2008, 03:35 PM
Im likeing it! My ELA teacher would be proud :)

Heartless33
December 13th, 2008, 03:39 PM
Lol I hope your teacher likes it because if not I might get an F and I don't want anymore of those. thanks for the comment it was my first poem actually. (phew thank goodness am not in school)

Glitter Stain
December 13th, 2008, 03:52 PM
Honestly, I don't really like it. It has quite a few issues that I feel should be addressed.

I live in a house nice a small

What is this, exactly? I can't really make a sentence out of this... one or more of the words needs to be moved/changed/removed.

I really don't have nothing at all

Double negative. I know it can work in some cases, but this isn't one of them.

I stay up day and night

Doesn't everyone?

really can't enjoy a wounderful sight

Hmm... a bit conversational, and the word "really" doesn't belong here. Maybe put a comma at the end of the last line, and remove really?

I really wish I can play without having to pay

This doesn't make a whole lot of sense, to be honest. There are some obvious grammar problems using the conditional tense here, as well. ('can' should be 'could')

I wish I can enjoy my life without having to pay a price

You broke the rhyme scheme, and I'm not certain why. Same problems with the conditional tense.

Heartless33
December 13th, 2008, 03:55 PM
Well lol am not good at it I told you that the begining lol just thought I could try it out but thanks for listing my problems.

h POKE
December 24th, 2008, 09:53 AM
I understand what Glitter Stain says, that the meter is all wrong and the language is poorly chosen. But I'd like to construe it in a different way. The writing reminds of the way some inner-city kids I once knew used to talk. You could interpret it to be a portrait of the desperation of children living in the cities used to endure during the early 20th century.
I think this poem exemplifies the gray, mundane world in which the author, and many others live or lived.