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eevee00
January 19th, 2009, 01:41 PM
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Come gather around children,
It's time you all learned,
About an army that marches,
Through a city that burns,

In an abandoned city,
In a street with no name,
They march together,
And they walk with no shame,

In this city of shadows,
The only life is of the undead,
But the army walks united,
Although the others have fled,

Even though their hopes hang so high,
On such a breakable thread,
They shall all walk together,
Until they all fall dead,

Though their loved ones have fallen,
They will continue the fight,
The soldiers fight the shadows,
Until they fade into the night,

To the army of the damned,
Victory appears so afar,
As they fight their dark demons,
As they fight the very men they are...

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Thank you for reading, I'm an amateur writer, so all feedback is welcome and will be appreciated.

Astinus
January 19th, 2009, 02:06 PM
Poems go in the Poetry section. I'll move this over there for you.

eevee00
January 20th, 2009, 01:00 PM
Sorry about that, I didn't see the poetry section, thank you for moving it.

Unforgettable
February 3rd, 2009, 10:08 AM
Ok, so I really like the poem, it was well done, and kept my interest. But...
There are so many parts that remind me of songs. Like this:

Even though their hopes hang so high,
On such a breakable thread,

It's almost an exact quote from Avril's song "Happy Ending". It's cool to get inspiration from other places, just don't take their words. Other people have worked hard on those, just like you did on this.

I Laugh at your Misfortune!
February 20th, 2009, 01:10 AM
The only life is undead,


Though their hopes hang so high,

those might flow a little better, going by the number of syllables.

other than that, I loved it ;) I hope to see more!

Alli
February 20th, 2009, 09:10 PM
I feel like I have heard this somewhere. Not the Avril song, but rather...a Green Day song.

And just for the record, I've used lyrics in my poems before because the song was inspiration and I wanted the reference in there. I personally don't find anything wrong with it. It's just that readers don't often know what you're doing if you're new and they don't know your style. And maybe even saying where you got the certain line from in an author's notes section wouldn't be too bad, either. Just saying is all.