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courtzzz15
September 11th, 2004, 05:02 PM
I've Always Wondered
I've always wondered what you were thinking,
When you look at me weeping
I've always wondered if you could see,
Everything that is inside and about me
I've always wondered what you are all about,
Because inside I'm falling in love
I've always wondered was it all my fault,
Or was it just something that was all laid out

I've always wondered was it love or was it pain,
In my heart it must have been pain
I've always wondered why you pushed me away,
You just wouldn't let me stay
I've always wondered, could I forgive myself,
For trusting in someone else
I've always wondered, could I forgive you,
For leaving my heart broken with you

Courtney Mae Helsel

what you think.?. here is one more:
Do You Care

For anyone who has been used unthoughtfully

If I asked you if you cared
Would you say you do
Or would you run from me scared
If I told you that I loved you
Would you think that I was crazy
Or would you wonder why I do
Please tell me do you care?

When things were bad
You once were there
Now I turn and see a clear
If I said that I needed you
Would you be there to hold me tight
So please can you tell me do you care?

So many days go by
While I listen to all your goodbyes
Don't you see all the pain
The anger and the rage I feel?
It's all deep within me
But tell me do you care?


Courtney Mae Helsel

Copyright 2004 Courtney Mae Helsel

Finglonger
September 11th, 2004, 08:34 PM
alright I'll rate the first one, but only if you promise to rate mine lol. Its a couple of threads down "seduction in B minor" thanks any how lets take a look at this.

"I've always wondered what you were thinking,
When you look at me weeping"
-um maybe you could use: "theres something Ive always wondered" instead, I like that a lot better lol. anyhow this is really vague, as a reader I don't know who you are talking about or why this person is weeping. You don't have to outright say who the person is, but I would like an established purpose. As an author you have to let me know whats going on, from this I can see that somebody is weeping for no particular reason, oh well lets move on.

I've always wondered if you could see,
Everything that is inside and about me
I've always wondered what you are all about,
Because inside I'm falling in love
-this is al;right, however, the phrase "ive always wondered what you are about" is a redundancy as it was stated no more than a few lines agao. try to vary your statements tell me, the reader, something new.

Because inside I'm falling in love
-this really isn't neccesary, I think the lines prior to this have sufficently expressed this thought withought you saying it outright.

I've always wondered was it all my fault,
Or was it just something that was all laid out
-again this is vague, I would reccomend ommiting this for something else. I can't think of anything at the moment, but we'll get to that later.


I've always wondered was it love or was it pain,
In my heart it must have been pain
-try a word other than pain, it makes it hard to read when you repeat words. er now that I think about it omit the second line it really can't be made to sound any better.

I've always wondered, could I forgive you,
For leaving my heart broken with you
-this is a good though, but not well executed, you repeat the pronoun you twice which is a no-no and well it lacks fluidity. Ithink something really good can be done with this line, it just needs to be contemplated a little more.


-well overall I thought it was fairly well done. There was some minor mistakes, but I think they can be easily repaired. Basically there are some nice thoughts here, I saw some parts where you really could have done some things well, but you settled for mediocity. Instead of writing down statements, try writing down feelings. When I got to write a poem, especially when its about a person, I do a free write. I get all my thoughts down on paper, I don't worry about changing anything or putting it any cohesive order. It really serves as an important tool for me to start writing, without it I'm lost. = )

anyhow plz take a look at mine and tell me what you think. And if you found anyhting to be unclear or what not just go ahead and pm me

courtzzz15
September 11th, 2004, 09:07 PM
where is your poem can you please post it... listen i didn't want someone cutting my work apart and goin step by step what they thought was wrong with it really i just wanted someone to read the whole thing and just tell me if they liked it or not... i write my poems from my heart... i don't write about how i am feeling all the time, with this poem especially i didn't come right out and tell you and i did tell you who and what was goin on you have to read deep into it you can clearly read that it is about a person who had their heart broken and that person is me i don't come out and say that though... i was tellin a story through a poem ... and when i say read it i mean really read the WHOLE thing and understand it and not pick up the pieces and read the cut up version... Don't get me wrong i am not ungrateful for what you did but it made me a little upset to have someone criticize my heart and thoughts... not that people haven't criticized me before lmao... but with my poems i talk about love mostly and how i get through my bad relationships is with poems... i also get through some of my depression with poems they are my life... just like music and my career is also my life... i am sorry if what i am writing makes you upset but understand that i just wanted a rating of like 1/10 - 10/10 and maybe a few comments... lol like i said i don't mean to get on the wrong side of you i just want my opinions heard... but nice to talk to you i look forward to reading your work!!! bye :\ :D

Finglonger
September 11th, 2004, 09:29 PM
er sorry if I offended you, but yeah when I read any piece of writing I usually break it into chunks so I can analyze it easier. If it was written down I would have a highlighter in my hand lol. Its a habit I have from AP english where we had to annotate everything. so yeah didnt mean to make you angry, I was only trying to help and I'm sorry it was Ill received. this wasm't meant to cut you down, I was just showing you where you made common mistakes, and I did read the whole thing, but I just found it easier to point out certain parts that did not work and were not cohesive with the rest of the poem. Once again, my sincerest apologies. -_-

In regards to my poetry Its has already been posted three threads down from this one or so, caled "seduction in B minor".