View Full Version : Wise words, nick-nacks, and underpants.
September 13th, 2004, 1:14 PM
Here is the place where you can post funny things that you find, be it a joke, a picture, or whatever. Just remember, please stay within PC rules.
Let me kick it off with a well known dog joke...
There was a young couple who lived in a town filled with crime. After 3 of their neighbors' houses had been robbed, the couple decided to get a guard dog.
So the young wife went to the pet store and said, "I need a good guard dog."
The clerk replied, "sorry, we're all sold out." "All we have left is this white Scottie dog, but, he does know karate."
The wife didn't believe the clerk, so he said to the dog, "Karate that chair."
The dog went up to the chair and broke it into pieces.
Then he said to the dog, "karate that table."
The dog went up to the table and broke it in half.
So, the wife bought the dog and took it home to her husband who was expecting a big guard dog. The husband was, of course, disappointed and somewhat skeptical about the Scottie dog's abilities as a guard dog. When the wife told her husband that the dog knew karate, he said, "karate my butt!"
The husband is still in the hospital.
September 13th, 2004, 1:20 PM
September 13th, 2004, 2:45 PM
I know some good jokes.
A cowboy told his grandson the secret to a long life.
He said, "You gotta sprinkle a little gunpowder on you
oatmeal, see. If you do, you'll live to a nice ripe old age."
So the cowboy did this religiusly every day, and sure enogh,
lived to the nice ripe old age of 96. When he died he left
behind 4children, 8 grandchildren, 15 greatgrandchildren...
..........and a 16 foot hole in the wall of the crematorium.
September 13th, 2004, 8:19 PM
September 15th, 2004, 10:04 PM
My brother made this.I thought it was really funny.
September 16th, 2004, 9:27 AM
EXCERPTS FROM A DOG'S DAILY DIARY:
> > 8:00 a.m. Oh, boy! Dog food! My favorite!
> > 9:30 a.m. Oh, boy! A car ride! My favorite!
> > 9:40 a.m. Oh, boy! A walk! My favorite!
> > 10:30 a.m. Oh, boy! Getting rubbed and petted! My favorite!
> > 11:30 a.m. Oh, boy! Dog food! My favorite!
> > Noon - Oh, boy! The kids! My favorite!
> > 1:00 p.m. Oh, boy! The yard! My favorite!
> > 4:00 p.m. Oh, boy! To the park! My favorite!
> > 5:00 p.m. Oh, boy! Dog food! My favorite!
> > 5:30 p.m. Oh, boy! Pretty Mums! My favorite!
> > 6:00 p..m. Oh, boy! Playing ball! My favorite!
> > 6:30 a.m. Oh, boy! Watching TV with my master! My favorite!
> > 8:30 p.m Oh, boy! Sleeping in master's bed! My favorite!
EXCERPTS FROM A CAT'S DAILY DIARY:
Day 183 of My Captivity:
My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while I am forced to eat dry cereal. The only thing that keeps me going is the hope of escape, and the mild satisfaction I get from ruining the occasional piece of furniture. Tomorrow I may eat another houseplant.
Today my attempt to kill my captors by weaving around their feet while they were walking almost succeeded, must try this at the top of the stairs. In an attempt to disgust and repulse these vile oppressors, I once again induced myself to vomit on their favorite chair, must try this on their bed.
Decapitated a mouse and brought them the headless body, in an attempt to make them aware of what I am capable of, and to try to strike fear into their hearts....They only cooed and condescended about what a good little cat I was. Hmmm, not working according to plan.
There was some sort of gathering of their accomplices. I was placed in solitary confinement throughout the event. However, I could hear the noise and smell the food. More importantly, I overheard that my confinement was due to my power of "allergies." Must learn what this is and how to use it to my advantage.
I am convinced the other captives are flunkies and maybe snitches. The dog is routinely released and seems more than happy to return. He is obviously a half-wit. The bird, on the other hand, has got to be an informant, and speaks with them regularly. I am certain he reports my every move. Due to his current placement in the metal room, his safety is assured.
But I can wait, it is only a matter of time.
Wow! My 200th Post! Champagne all around in my nightclub :P
September 17th, 2004, 4:06 PM
i got these from my bro and they cracked me up XP
September 22nd, 2004, 4:07 PM
September 22nd, 2004, 4:18 PM
LOL!!!! XD! nice one toto Xd
here a flash i found XD
Posting and You... (http://gprime.net/flash/postingandyou.php)
September 22nd, 2004, 4:19 PM
September 22nd, 2004, 4:30 PM
Sumomo & Kotoko
September 22nd, 2004, 6:51 PM
September 24th, 2004, 7:06 AM
this one is pretty funny i guess:
in the morning, i don't eat, i'm thinking of you
at noon i don't eat, i think about you
in the evening i don't eat, i think about you
at night i can't sleep, i'm hungry...
and a lot of ppl say my avvy is funny too
September 25th, 2004, 10:12 AM
Your avvy is funny. Here's one I found:
One thing that has always bugged me, and I'm sure it does most of you, is to sit down at the dinner table only to be interrupted by a phone call from a telemarketer. I decided, on one such occasion, to try to be as irritating as they were to me. The call was from AT&T and it went something like this:
AT&T: Hello, this is AT&T...
Me: Is this AT&T?
AT&T: Yes, this is AT&T...
Me: This is AT&T?
AT&T: Yes This is AT&T...
Me: Is this AT&T?
AT&T: YES! This is AT&T, may I speak to Mr. Byron please?
Me: May I ask who is calling?
AT&T This is AT&T.
Me: OK, hold on.
At this point I put the phone down for a solid 5 minutes thinking that, surely, this person would have hung up the phone. Much to my surprise, when I picked up the receiver, they were still waiting.
AT&T: Is this Mr. Byron?
Me: May I ask who is calling please?
AT&T: Yes this is AT&T...
Me: Is this AT&T?
AT&T: Yes this is AT&T...
Me: This is AT&T?
AT&T: Yes, is this Mr. Byron?
Me: Yes, is this AT&T?
AT&T: Yes sir.
Me: The phone company?
AT&T: Yes sir.
Me: I thought you said this was AT&T.
AT&T: Yes sir, we are a phone company.
Me: I already have a phone.
AT&T: We aren't selling phones today Mr. Byron.
Me: Well whatever it is, I'm really not interested but thanks for calling.
When you are not interested in something, I don't think you can express yourself any plainer than by saying "I'm really not interested", but this lady was persistent.
AT&T: Mr. Byron we would like to offer you 10 cents a minute, 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, 365 days a year.
Now, I am sure she meant she was offering a "rate" of 10 cents a minute but she at no time used the word rate. I could clearly see that it was time to whip out the trusty old calculator and do a little ciphering.
Me: Now, that's 10 cents a minute 24 hours a day?
AT&T: (getting a little excited at this point by my interest) Yes sir that's right! 24 hours a day!
Me: 7 days a week?
AT&T: That's right.
Me: 365 days a year?
AT&T: Yes sir.
Me: I am definitely interested in that! Wow!!! That's amazing!
AT&T: We think so!
Me: That's quite a sum of money!
AT&T: Yes sir, it's amazing how it ads up.
Me: OK, so will you send me checks weekly, monthly or just one big one at the end of the year for the full $52,560, and if you send an annual check, can I get a cash advance?
AT&T: Excuse me?
Me You know, the 10 cents a minute.
AT&T: What are you talking about?
Me: You said you'd give me 10 cents a minute, 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, 365 days a year. That comes to $144 per day, $1008 per week and $52,560 per year. I'm just interested in knowing how you will be making payment.
AT&T: Oh no sir I didn't mean we'd be paying you. You pay us 10 cents a minute.
Me: Wait a minute here!!! Didn't you say you'd give me 10 cents a minute? Are you sure this is AT&T?
AT&T: Well, yes this is AT&T sir but......
Me: But nothing, how do you figure that by saying that you'll give me 10 cents a minute that I'll give you 10 cents a minute? Is this some kind of subliminal telemarketing scheme? I've read about things like this in the Enquirer you know. Don't use your alien brainwashing techniques on me!
AT&T: No sir we are offering 10 cents a minute for.....
Me: THERE YOU GO AGAIN! Can I speak to a supervisor please!
AT&T: Sir I don't think that is necessary.
Me: Sure! You say that now! What happens later?
Me: I insist on speaking to a supervisor!
AT&T: Yes Mr. Byron. Please hold on.
So now AT&T has me on hold and my supper is getting cold. I begin to eat while I'm waiting for a supervisor. After a wait of a few minutes and while I have a mouth full of food:
Supervisor: Mr. Byron?
Supervisor: I understand you are not quite understanding our 10 cents a minute program.
Me: Id thish Ath Teeth & Teeth?
Supervisor: Yes sir, it sure is.
I had to swallow before I choked on my food. It was all I could do to suppress my laughter and I had to be careful not to produce a snort.
Me: No, actually I was just waiting for someone to get back to me so that I could sign up for the plan. Supervisor: OK, no problem, I'll transfer you back to the person who was helping you.
Me: Thank you.
I was on hold once again and was getting really hungry. I needed to end this conversation. Suddenly, there was an aggravated but polite voice at the other end of the phone.
AT&T: Hello Mr. Byron, I understand that you are interested in signing up for our plan?
Me: Do you have that friends and family thing because you can never have enough friends and I'm an only child and I'd really like to have a little brother...
Camp Kill Yourself
September 25th, 2004, 4:16 PM
Yes, all from Jhonen comics. Jhonen Vasquez...Without him, the world would have a little less humor.
September 26th, 2004, 8:22 AM
FUN THINGS TO DO AT K-mart
1. Take shopping carts for the express purpose of filling them and stranding them at strategic locations.
2. Ride those little electronic cars at the front of the store.
3.Set all the alarm clocks to go off at ten minute intervals throughout the day.
4. Start playing Football; see how many people you can get to join in.
5. Make a trail of orange juice on the ground, leading to the restrooms
6. Walk up to an employee and tell him in an official tone, "I think we've got a Code 3 in Housewares," and see what happens.
7. Tune all the radios to a polka station; then turn them all on and turn the volumes to "10".
8. Play with the automatic doors.
9. Walk up to complete strangers and say, "Hi! I haven't seen you in so long!..." etc. See if they play along to avoid embarrassment.
10. While walking through the clothing department, ask yourself loud enough for all to hear, "Who BUYS this crap, anyway?"
11. Repeat Number 10 in the jewelry department.
12. Put M&M's on layaway.
13. Leave small sacrifices or gifts in the hands of the mannequins.
14. Play soccer with a group of friends, using the entire store as your playing field.
15. As the cashier runs your purchases over the scanner, look mesmerized and say, "Wow. Magic!"
16. Repeat Number 14 in the jewelry department.
17. Move "Caution: Wet Floor" signs to carpeted areas.
18. Set up a tent in the camping department; tell others you'll only invite them in if they bring pillows from Bed and Bath.
19. Contaminate the entire auto department by sampling all the spray air fresheners.
20. Nonchalantly "test" the brushes and combs in Cosmetics.
21. Drape a blanket around your shoulders and run around saying, "...I'm Batman. Come, Robin--to the Batcave!"
22. TP as much of the store as possible.
23. Randomly throw things over into neighboring aisles.
24. Play with the calculators so that they all spell "hello" upside down.
25. When someone asks if you need help, begin to cry and ask,"Why won't you people just leave me alone?"
26. Look right into the security camera, and use it as a mirror while you pick your nose.
27. Take up an entire aisle in Toys by setting up a full scale battlefield with G.I. Joes vs. the X-Men.
28. Take bets on the battle described above.
29. Set up another battlefield with G.I. Joes vs. G.I. Janes. (Red lipstick might give an interesting effect!!!)
30. While handling guns in the hunting department, suddenly ask the clerk if he knows where the anti-depressants are.
31. While no one's watching quickly switch the men's and women's signs on the doors of the rest room.
32. Dart around suspiciously while humming the theme from Mission: Impossible."
33. Attempt to fit into very large gym bags.
34. Attempt to fit others into very large gym bags.
35. Two words: "Marco Polo."
36. Drive around the entrances screaming out the window "the British are coming!"
37. Hold indoor shopping cart races.
38. Go to an empty checkout stand and try to check people out.
39. Set up a "Valet Parking" sign in front of the store.
40. When someone steps away from their cart to look at something, quickly make off with it without saying a word.
September 26th, 2004, 9:36 AM
LMAO!!!!! Those are really funny! where did you find them?
September 26th, 2004, 10:41 AM
I found mine at Newfunnies.com and there are a lot more.
September 27th, 2004, 7:15 PM
September 29th, 2004, 2:40 PM
Gene Simmons and his cat:
September 29th, 2004, 3:04 PM
Hehe...this ne always cracks me up....
September 30th, 2004, 1:02 PM
Nice!!! That one's good! Where'd you get it?
Sumomo & Kotoko
September 30th, 2004, 3:12 PM
OMG!!!.1313666 you have the funnyest stuff......I found this on the web.
September 30th, 2004, 3:15 PM
Nice! Where'd you get that?
September 30th, 2004, 5:03 PM
I don't have any jokes right now but, I remember this time when these two homeless people got thrown in jail for lighting a dog on fire and watching burn alive (Don't worry, it didn't die but, it had no fur left XD I wish I could have seen that!)
Camp Kill Yourself
October 2nd, 2004, 2:12 PM
Uhm...Some things from the tour diaries of Jhonen Vasquez in 98...
DAY TEN 5/10/97
Jhonen: It's 3 A.M, and I'm writing this from the hotel in St. Louis. Various hideous things contributed to my inability to write any sooner than this, so I've much to tell. I'm not at all certain as to how much of it is actually interesting.
Arizona was hot like some sort of hot thing that makes you feel like dying just to escape the heat, but the people were lovely, especially the people from Atomic Comics.
The hotel room was more casual and much more bearable to me after the spooky and sometimes aggravating valets and doormen of L.A. I was able to get my own filthy, insect smeared car whenever I wanted to, without having to ask some creepy jerk to get it for me. The only thing that made the Arizona room at all unpleasant was the proximity of others. With four people satying in the room, Rob, Dave, the new companion, Gray, and myself, things were less private. The OPTION to have one's solitude is a beautiful thing. But it turned out fine for the the three days we had it, so nobody was hurt, except for the pig.
From what I could understand in Arizona, there seemed to be little more to do than get high and tattooed. I did niether. I saw the movie BREAKDOWN, and loved it.
Then I left Arizona and embarked upon a nightmarish 5 day drive to St. Louis Missouri. There were some incredible things along the way, like White Sands, and Carlsbad Caverns in New Mexico.
SAD< STUPID< AMUSING STORY- While we rested against our cars after the three hour walk throug the caverns, we were approached by a white haired elderly gentleman who wanted to make small elderly conversation. He told us he was 80 years old, and about places he's driven to. We spoke to him for a few minutes, he wished us well, we bid him the same, and he walked away. THEN, he turns back and comes over to us again. This time, he bigins with more of the same benign chatter, but OUT OF NOWHERE.....it got ugly. He began to talk about how the "NEGROES and the MEXICANS" were taking over, about how there were just too many of them. He also called them the "BROWNS and the BLACKS". And here I am, all Mexican and such, just looking up at this seemingly nice old man, thinking of how pathetic it all was.
Ah well, he will die soon enough. He was, after all, rather old.
We lost Gray early on in Missouri. I dunno what happened to him, but I think it was aliens.
SO LAST NIGHT we got into St. Louis, and my heart warmed at the sight of seeing buildings, and lights again. The countryside was pretty, but the concrete is home.
We arrived too early, and had 8 hours to spend before check-in to the hotel here. I shall simply say, we were losing our mindsd and loving it. Even Rob joined in, but only after being horridly grumpy for sometime. I found the whole idea of wandering someplace new rather amusing.
So here I am. Rob and Dave are staying at Rob's cousin's house for the duration of the visit here, so I am here alone. And it feels good. not that I hate them. Rather, I hate Rob. I've slowly been poisoning him. it's interesting to see how his health degenerates. Hee hee.
I saw the 5th element today. God, was I disappointed. gary Oldman was the redeaming factor, but not nearly enough to save anything.
Sumomo & Kotoko
October 2nd, 2004, 4:11 PM
Nice! Where'd you get that?
I found it on the web.I can't remember where I found it,really I can't,sorry.
October 2nd, 2004, 4:47 PM
That was sooooo funny. wish you
October 3rd, 2004, 4:42 PM
hear is something i heard from my nxtdoor neighbor:
*~never tease your monkey, ever, ever, ever!~*
October 4th, 2004, 8:35 AM
I wonder just how this cat managed to get where he is. XD
October 4th, 2004, 8:39 AM
Here's Doctor Seuss's lost poem:
This is this cat
This is is cat
This is how cat
This is to cat
This is keep cat
This is an cat
This is idiot cat
This is amused cat
This is for cat
This is two cat
This is minutes cat
October 4th, 2004, 8:49 AM
October 4th, 2004, 1:20 PM
LOL those pics are halarious, totodile!!!^^ and i`ve heard that "poem" as they call it..
October 4th, 2004, 5:02 PM
October 5th, 2004, 9:30 AM
Kitty Litter Cake
I found this recipe while surfing the net today.
1 pkg spice or German chocolate cake mix
1 pkg white cake mix
1 pkg white sandwhich cookies
green food coloring
12 small tootsie rolls
1 new kitty litter box
1 new kitty litter liner
1 new pooper scooper
Prepare cake mixes and bake to directions (any size pans)
Prepare pudding mix chill until ready to asemble dish
Crumble white in small batches in blender -- they tend to stick, so scrape often. Set aside all but about 1/4 cup.
When cakes are cooled to room temperature, crumble into a large bowl. Toss with half remaining white cookie crumbs and the chilled pudding. You probably won't need all of the pudding. Mix it with the cake and feel it, you don't want it soggy, just moist.
Line new, clear kitty litter box with liner. Put mixture in box
Put three unwrapped Tootsie Rolls in a microwave safe dish and heat until soft and pliable. Shape ends so they are no longer blunt, curving slightly. Repeat two more Tootsie Rolls and bury in mixture
Sprinkle the other half of the cookie crumbs over top. Scatter the green cookie crumbs lightly over the top -- this is supposed to look like the chlorophvll in kitty litter
Heat remaining Tootsie Rolls, three at a time, in the microwave until almost melted. OR, only spread five of the remaining Tootsie Rolls over the top, take one and heat until pliable, hand it over the side of the kitty litter box, sprinkling it lightly with a few of the cookie crumbs around. Serve with new pooper scooper
LMAO I thought it was really funny!!
October 5th, 2004, 5:14 PM
That's cool! It should be called Cat Crap Surprise!
October 6th, 2004, 5:32 PM
my friend has this on her binder. its so cute.
October 6th, 2004, 6:10 PM
my friend has this on her binder. its so cute.
lol, what a great pic.
anyhow I have a real kneeslapper of a joke here...
what did the judge say to the tennis racket?
-Im going to take you to court XD. heh tennis humor
ahh nothing satsisfies me like a good old fashioned corny joke.
October 7th, 2004, 7:33 PM
Ash run for your life!!!!! XD
Here is a joke.
Why do seagulls live near the sea? Because if they lived near the bay, they would be called bagels. XD
Here is another one.
Mrs. Peterson phoned the repairman because her dishwasher quit working. He couldn't accommodate her with with an "after-hours" appointment and since she had to go to work, she told him, "I'll leave the key under the mat. Fix the dish washer, leave the bill on the counter, and I'll mail you a check. By the way, I have a large rotweiler inside, he won't bother you. I also have a large parrot, but whatever you do, DON'T TALK TO THE BIRD!" Well, sure enough the dog totally ignored the repairman, but whole time he was there, the parrot cussed, yelled, screamed, and about drove him nuts. As he was ready to leave, he couldn't resist, "You stupid bird, why don't you shut up!!" To which the bird replied, "Killer, SIC'EM!!!!!!!!!!"
October 8th, 2004, 4:46 AM
XD I have one. You may have heard it:
There were 3 guys in a hot air balloon. Their names were Bob, Tom, and Ed. Bob had dropped a penny off for fun. Tom dropped a quarter off, and Ed threw a grenade. When they got off, Bob was heading home when he saw a little girl crying. He went over and said," what's wrong?" and the girl said," A penny fell from the sky and killed my dad!"
Tom, too, was coming home when he saw a boy crying. He asked the same thing, and the boy told him a quarter fell from the sky and killed his dad.
Ed was driving home, and he saw a boy laughing. The boy was covered in soot and ash. Ed asked the same thing, and the boy said," My grandpa farted and blew up the house!"
October 8th, 2004, 6:30 AM
I got some funny signs!
To read more go to: www.digitaldreamdoor.com/pages/quotes/funny_signs.html (http://www.digitaldreamdoor.com/pages/quotes/funny_signs.html)
And heres some funny kitties:
October 9th, 2004, 5:27 PM
this is something i found on a website:
Some examples of why the human race has probably evolved as far as possible. These are actual instruction labels on consumer goods...
On Sears hairdryer:
Do not use while sleeping.
(Gee, that's the only time I have to work on my hair!)
On a bag of Fritos:
You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside.
(The shoplifter special!)
On a bar of Dial soap:
Directions: Use like regular soap.
(and that would be how?)
On some Swann frozen dinners:
Serving suggestion: Defrost.
(But it's 'just' a suggestion!)
On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert: (printed on bottom of the box)
Do not turn upside down.
(Too late! you lose!)
On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding:
Product will be hot after heating.
(Are you sure? Let's experiment.)
On packaging for a Rowenta iron:
Do not iron clothes on body.
(But wouldn't that save more time?)(Whose body?)
On Boot's Children's cough medicine:
Do not drive car or operate machinery.
(We could do a lot to reduce the construction accidents if we just kept those 5 year olds off those fork lifts.)
On Nytol sleep aid:
Warning: may cause drowsiness.
(One would hope!)
On a Korean kitchen knife:
Warning: keep out of children.
(hmm...something must have gotten lost in the translation...)
On a string of Christmas lights:
For indoor or outdoor use only.
(As opposed to use in outer space.)
On a food processor:
Not to be used for the other use.
(Now I'm curious.)
On Sainsbury's peanuts:
Warning: contains nuts.
(but no peas?)
On an American Airlines packet of nuts:
Instructions: open packet, eat nuts.
(somebody got paid big bucks to write this one...)
On a Swedish chainsaw:
Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands.
(Raise your hand if you've tried this...)
On a child's Superman costume:
Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly.
(Oh go ahead! That's right, destroy a universal childhood belief.)