PDA

View Full Version : If Only I Could Cry


ShadowLeader
April 3rd, 2009, 02:51 AM
Tell me what u think!

I do not know why
I cannot cry.
The tears,
they just evade me.
Life zips past
Leaving behind a trail
of Pain and Heartache.
When you left
my world was at an end
And I did not know where to turn.
And yet
I cannot shed tear.
It hurts
So much
This Pain in my heart
If only I could cry,
This Pain would go away
If only I could cry,
Maybe you will love me again someday.

What do you guys think? I dont like the beginning.....i think i caould make it better....give me some suggestions..

Ranken
April 3rd, 2009, 03:15 AM
Let's see...yeah I don't like the beginning also, you could change the word "do not know why" into something good...it's your decision...but it's a great poem=]

ShadowLeader
April 3rd, 2009, 03:19 AM
thanx! i appreciate the feedback! i agree...the opener could be better...but i dont know what to put!!!>.<

deliriouspurple
April 3rd, 2009, 03:20 AM
Let's see...yeah I don't like the beginning also, you could change the word "do not know why" into something good...it's your decision...but it's a great poem=]
^ Well the poem is quite good, well same as Ranken, you could change it to I don't know why...but if you want to...
anyways it's a good poem!

ShadowLeader
April 3rd, 2009, 03:22 AM
thanx but do u have any suggestions?! ive been up all night so im kinda drawing a blank here..