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Akeraz
April 3rd, 2009, 03:27 PM
I meant to post this a while back.
But yeah, I kind of held off a little bit.

So, let me explain. In class, I was asked to write a piece of writing using a set of words given to me, and they all had to appear in the order given.
I really liked how It turned out, So I decided I would post it here.

So here's the list of words:
Towers, Infest, Stink, Propogate, Hell, Itch, Dirt, Poison, Sewers, Suffocate

Towers surround me on every corner.
Looking through iron bars,
I see those that infest this hole;
It's like a sea of grey.
The stink of blood fills my cell.
Evil ideas seem to propagate in my head.
This place is Hell, the Devils domain.
I lie on a spongy floor,
With an itch I cannot reach,
For my arms are bound tight.
We're treated like dirt.
The poison that we call reality,
Surrounds us in this hole.
The poison fills the place like a sewer.
I feel myself suffocating on this cloud.
I know my time has come.

I know it's not perfect.
All C+C is appreciated.

Feathing
April 4th, 2009, 05:05 PM
Well, although I don't like the topic (I'm more of the 'dreamy-romantic' style XD) its good written, and its good like you managed to write this by just following some instructions.
Wish I had a class in school like that :(

ShadowLeader
April 4th, 2009, 05:13 PM
i hate those assignments.......i always get words like affinity and psychosis.....words nobody ever uses.....ur lucky u got a good list..

Gymnotide
April 4th, 2009, 09:14 PM
[css-div="width:500px; border:solid 1px black; padding:20px; background-color:white; background: url('http://www.teacherfiles.com/clipart/xbackgrounds/blackboard_6.jpg');"]Some Critiques
I apologize if this seems a bit harsh. In truth, I believe this poem has potential but needs some minor edits as well as some larger thematic issues (har har, like we haven't heard that before).
Towers surround me on every corner.
I fail to see the relation of this line to the rest of the poem. It would be nice if it correlated a little. As is, "towers" has little meaning and no meaning is established within the line, other than the fact that they "surround" the speaker. This alone could mean one of many things, but is left too ambiguous to have any true significance. Why "towers" instead of any other object?

I understand that the assignment forced you into using the word this way, but there could be more innovative ways to use it.
Looking through iron bars,
I see those that infest this hole,
It's like a sea of grey.
Transition from the penultimate to the final line is bad (sentence splice). Introduce a semicolon or reword the last line. "It's" is currently too ambiguous - is it the scene that is like a "sea of grey"? The hole? Some unrelated object?

I like the idiosyncratic use of "grey" to describe the being of the "sea." You could go further with this idea.

I would also complain about using the word "see," but the synergy with its homophone in the next line gives me <3.

The stink of blood fills my cell.
Evil ideas seem to propogate in my head.
Typo @ propagate.
This is okay - perhaps consider rewording "evil ideas" for emphasis.

This place is hell, the devils domain.
Typo @ Hell / Devil's; capitalize proper names.

I think "the Devil's domain" is a bit excessive. By saying only "Hell," the line gains unsaid strength that would otherwise be lost in the longer form.

You could be inventive with the word "place." As it stands, it sounds quite passive and lackluster, but words like "crucible" could draw a negative connotation. You could even stretch it to words like "furnace" to emphasize the suffocating environment. Even "domicile," while not strictly negative, could give a sense of overwhelming the reader even by how it sounds.

I lay on a spongy floor,
With an itch I cannot reach,
For my arms are binded tight.
"Binded" should be "bound."
"Lay" should be "lie" to follow the trend of present tense.

"Spongy" seems out of place and/or forced. At first I thought it was a word you had to use, but it's not on the list.

Consider something like "end" "extinguish" for "reach."

We're treated like dirt.
It sounds out of place.

The poison that we call reality,
Surrounds us in this hole.
Omit "that" to pair the lines together in terms of beat. It will flow better.

The poison fills the place like a sewer.
I feel myself suffocating on this cloud.
I know my time has come.
Repetition of "the poison" seems unnecessary. The transition from the previous two more melodic lines is abrupt. We've already established that the poison is in a vessel in proximity to the speaker. In fact, "surrounds us in this hole" is much more effective than "fills the place like a sewer" since it introduces personal suffering and emphasizes the environment.

Is it supposed to be "in this cloud"? That seems to make more sense.[/css-div]

i hate those assignments.......i always get words like affinity and psychosis.....words nobody ever uses.....ur lucky u got a good list..

Now now, affinity and psychosis are amazing words.

Akeraz
April 4th, 2009, 10:15 PM
Thank you for the critiques.
I realise there are alot of typos, I'll fix those.
And also, I found it hard to link some of the words I was given.
I've posted in bold some of the Problems I Had in the areas you mentioned.
Others are just inexcusable on my part.


[css-div="width:500px; border:solid 1px black; padding:20px; background-color:white; background: url('http://www.teacherfiles.com/clipart/xbackgrounds/blackboard_6.jpg');"]Some Critiques
I apologize if this seems a bit harsh. In truth, I believe this poem has potential but needs some minor edits as well as some larger thematic issues (har har, like we haven't heard that before).

I fail to see the relation of this line to the rest of the poem. It would be nice if it correlated a little. As is, "towers" has little meaning and no meaning is established within the line, other than the fact that they "surround" the speaker. This alone could mean one of many things, but is left too ambiguous to have any true significance. Why "towers" instead of any other object?

When I saw I was given the word towers, I was kind of confused as what to do with it myself. The word towers seemed imposing to me, and seemed to give give a feeling of entrapment. I used it like this to represent how the person's perspective I write it from feels.

I understand that the assignment forced you into using the word this way, but there could be more innovative ways to use it.

Transition from the penultimate to the final line is bad (sentence splice). Introduce a semicolon or reword the last line. "It's" is currently too ambiguous - is it the scene that is like a "sea of grey"? The hole? Some unrelated object?

I was actually using "Sea of Grey" to describe "Those that Infest this hole", As in the outfits of the other inmates.

I like the idiosyncratic use of "grey" to describe the being of the "sea." You could go further with this idea.

I would also complain about using the word "see," but the synergy with its homophone in the next line gives me <3.


Typo @ propagate.
This is okay - perhaps consider rewording "evil ideas" for emphasis.

I'm thinking that "Schemes" seems a bit more evil than "Ideas"
What do you think? I'm still thinking on a word I could use other than evil


Typo @ Hell / Devil's; capitalize proper names.

I think "the Devil's domain" is a bit excessive. By saying only "Hell," the line gains unsaid strength that would otherwise be lost in the longer form.

Maybe. My initial thoughs were that the alliteration of the "Devils Domain" would add to the flow. [Flow was something I was having trouble with]

You could be inventive with the word "place." As it stands, it sounds quite passive and lackluster, but words like "crucible" could draw a negative connotation. You could even stretch it to words like "furnace" to emphasize the suffocating environment. Even "domicile," while not strictly negative, could give a sense of overwhelming the reader even by how it sounds.


"Binded" should be "bound."
"Lay" should be "lie" to follow the trend of present tense.

"Spongy" seems out of place and/or forced. At first I thought it was a word you had to use, but it's not on the list.

I'm trying to describe a prison. I'm describing how the character who's perspective it's from is in Solitary Confinement.

Consider something like "end" "extinguish" for "reach."


It sounds out of place.


Omit "that" to pair the lines together in terms of beat. It will flow better.


Repetition of "the poison" seems unnecessary. The transition from the previous two more melodic lines is abrupt. We've already established that the poison is in a vessel in proximity to the speaker. In fact, "surrounds us in this hole" is much more effective than "fills the place like a sewer" since it introduces personal suffering and emphasizes the environment.

Sewer was one of the words given to me. I was having problems fitting it in.

Is it supposed to be "in this cloud"? That seems to make more sense.[/css-div]



Now now, affinity and psychosis are amazing words.

Anyway. I'll see what I can do.

Gymnotide
April 4th, 2009, 10:35 PM
When I saw I was given the word towers, I was kind of confused as what to do with it myself. The word towers seemed imposing to me, and seemed to give give a feeling of entrapment. I used it like this to represent how the person's perspective I write it from feels.
Maybe you could introduce an adjective to express that "imposing" feeling.

I was actually using "Sea of Grey" to describe "The others that Infest this hole", As in the outfits of the other inmates.
Then the proper pronoun would be "they," I guess.
In fact, given the construction, you could remove "it's" and it would mean essentially the same thing.


I'm thinking that "Schemes" seems a bit more evil than "Ideas"
What do you think? I'm still thinking on a word I could use other than evil
I'm not really sure myself.
I was thinking of a word along the lines of a conspiracy... Like "subterfuge" :P

Maybe. My initial thoughs were that the alliteration of the "Devils Domain" would add to the flow. [Flow was something I was having trouble with]
Mm... You're right. In retrospect, it does add to the flow quite a bit.

Try placing a long adjective before Hell and omitting "the Devil's domain." Maybe that would work too.

I'm trying to describe a prison. I'm describing how the character who's perspective it's from is in Solitary Confinement.
I still fail to see what sponges have to do with this, lol.

Sewer was one of the words given to me. I was having problems fitting it in.
Yes, I can see the struggle with that word. I'm not really sure how to approach this either.