PDA

View Full Version : R.R


BHwolfgang
April 5th, 2009, 01:24 PM
Let's remember all those moments that we've shared
When each of us were oh so caring
It wasn't at that time when our bond wasn't tearing
In that moment we were just holding on

It happened so fast like a beating of drums
You've shrieked and roared as you've bounced off the wall
I knew the game was up
You now found out that it was just a lie
All it was just a mist in your eye

I'm sorry but it can't be taken back
You're killing me with that merciless stare
Oh, would you really dare?

You've kept on glaring with those dark eyes
I can't see anything in them
It's almost as dark as the night sky

You're stepping back
Frowning was your mien
But cold fury is what really your intensity

You're walking away
There's nothing else left to say

Feathing
April 6th, 2009, 05:49 PM
I liked it, specially the last verse ;)

But just a question:

How did this happened?
When it all so peaceful

Shouldn't be a verb before the all ? Or may be you did in purpose, I don't know...

ShadowLeader
April 6th, 2009, 05:55 PM
i thought it was good.....it was a little hard to follow it but then again im half asleep so that may not be accurate....but all in all good...i agree with Feathing though on the last verse...really good!

Gymnotide
April 6th, 2009, 07:44 PM
There are some simple errors. I'll do a content rating sometime tomorrow.

Let's remember all the time we've had
To make a difference
We've wasted it all on the greed that has been taken
It's a point of void acceptance

Let's try to remember all those moments that we've shared
When the sunset grows red and the skies weren't so blue
It's now all gone in a flash

How did this happen?
When it was all so peaceful
How did this happen?
When everything wasn't so vague

In that second your emotions were so blank
It was like staring at a stone statue
You're giving no clues
You're standing so still....

BHwolfgang
April 6th, 2009, 07:54 PM
I liked it, specially the last verse ;)

[/I]Shouldn't be a verb before the all ? Or may be you did in purpose, I don't know... No. You're right. I forgot to include something before it. Lol. Thanks for noticing it.

i thought it was good.....it was a little hard to follow it but then again im half asleep so that may not be accurate....but all in all good...i agree with Feathing though on the last verse...really good! Nah, this is clearly not one of my good ones. ^^' Thanks!

I'll do a content rating sometime tomorrow.
Thanks. :)

Gymnotide
April 8th, 2009, 06:06 PM
Eh, I fell asleep after I got home today.

[css-div="width:500px;padding:20px;border:solid 1px black;background-color:white;"]Let's remember all the time we've had
To make a difference
Now, these two lines could have two very distinct meanings which aren't subtle in any way:

1. Let's remember the time & the time was used to make a difference.
2. Let's remember the time because remembering makes a difference.

Pick one of them and clarify what you mean.

We've wasted it all on the greed that has been taken
It's a point of void acceptance
How do you take greed?
"Void acceptance," while sounding cool, doesn't seem to have a meaning.

Let's try to remember all those moments that we've shared
The sunset grows red when it wasn't so blue
It's now all gone in a flash
Why the switch from "let's remember" to "let's try to remember"? I think with repetition, it sounds better.

Second line makes no sense. It also switches from present to past tense half way. What are you trying to say?

How did this happened?
When it was so peaceful
How did this happened?
When everything wasn't so vague
"Happened" should be "happen" because 'happened' is a past participle and doesn't belong in that question. Past participles should only be used as adjectives or after the verb 'is' as a passive-voice construction or 'have' as the perfect tense. Due to the nature of 'happen,' I don't think you can use passive-voice with it, but I am not thinking clearly right now. A correct question would be "How had this happened?" but the way you have sounds better (if you fix the grammatical error).

You should try the 'show, don't tell' rule on the second and fourth lines. Right now they seem bland. Try to think of some words that embody "peaceful" or "wasn't so vague" and describe something with those words as a metaphor.

In that second your emotions were so blank
It was like staring at a stone statue
You're giving no clues
You're standing so still....
Technically, what the first two lines mean is that the emotions were comparable to staring at a stone statue, not "Because your emotions were blank, looking at you was like staring at a stone statue." albeit in a more melodic form. You should reword that second line.

I think the repetition of "you're" in the last two short lines is unnecessary. The poem ends more strongly with only one of the lines. Remove one.

- - - - -

It's a reflection on an unsaid plot and therefore, it may need some more clarification. Build more deeply into the emotions of the scene.[/css-div]

BHwolfgang
April 10th, 2009, 06:40 PM
I edited it. I edited a lot. Hopefully, everyone might understand what this is saying.

I was hoping that this lyric would be telling a story, from the start to the end, but meh.

ShadowLeader
April 10th, 2009, 06:52 PM
much better and easier to understand......no complaints here!