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Anxiety.
July 29th, 2009, 10:21 AM
Heavily applied make-up
How can you look so good?
Why does she want you?
She's just seeing through me
I'm an invisible step
Just pulling you closer
Unwanted and pointless
Two people I care about
They don't care about me
I don't know why I want you
You're like a drug
Addictive and unhealthy
And I wish I knew how to quit you

You have what I wish I did
If I was you I'd get so far
But I'm stuck behind the barrier
It's just keeping me back
It doesn't bother everyone
But I can't just let it slip by
And live life with it
I want to change

Do you know how it feels
To be constantly paranoid
To think that everyone is lying
No matter how many times
I can't believe you
I just think you don't like me

And then someone has the courage
To come up to me and say
'I have such a bad life'
You think you have it bad?!
I'm being ripped in two
I want to love and care
But I just can't think that way

Stop telling me that I'm cold
Stop telling me that I'm harsh
Yeah I'm unsympathetic
You just don't get it
You haven't dealt with it
The things I have to put up with
So please, don't yell at me

Stop trying to change me
I can't help the way I am
Please, fly on the wall
Find somewhere else to go
'Cause one day I'll snap
And trust me
You'll be sorry.

---------------------------------------------

Each paragraph highlights a different issue I'm going through at the moment.
I needed an outlet, and I don't want to hurt anyone.

What do you think?

Bagel
July 29th, 2009, 10:31 AM
It's a very good way to vent. It's a good poem, but its deppressing.

You seem very stressed. Maybe you need new friends.

Anxiety.
July 29th, 2009, 11:47 AM
Yeah. Sorry about it being so depressing. I guess nothing is going right for me right now.
I'm looking for ways to cheer myself up.

stranger
July 29th, 2009, 01:06 PM
If you've ever seen my poetry crits you'll know what way i'll do this: I will take the poem verse by verse then break each verse down and finally give a full overview of the peice.


Verse I
Heavily applied make-up
How can you look so good?
Why does she want you?
I'm right here
Why can't she see me?
I feel like the third wheel
Unwanted and pointless
Two people I care about
They don't care about me
I don't know why I want you
But you're just so great
Please tell me how
Because I don't know
I just want to quit you

Hmm after reading this verse i feel slightly puzzled. Whenever a poen has no flow i struggle to comprehend what exactly is going on. This verse certainly lacks consistancy and it doesn't feel right when you read it. Flow is a very very important aspect of poetry. Try expressing your feelings in a different way. What i mean is, use different words rather than being black and white. For example "I feel like the third wheel" Why not say something a lot less direct to what the case may be, maybe say "I feel so close, yet so distant" that still portrays how you are close to the 2 of them yet you still feel somewhat excluded. Poetry is a colourfull thing but some of the lines you have written in this verse seem like statements rather than poetic. Try reading a some poetry aand you'll see poets like to use different words to display certain emotions and situations. Sorry to be so harsh but you need to see that some of the lines above are just sort of bland. Feel free to contact me for more advice on how to make your poetry more colourful.

Verse II
You have it so good
You have what I wish I had
I just don't fit this body
I want to get them off my chest
But I guess it costs too much
And Nobody would look at me
In the same way they do now

Not as bland as the first verse but it still lacks flow you'll have to work on that for sure. Then the other thing is, it doesn't make sense, "I want to get them off my chest" What exactly do you want to get off your chest? You haven't reffered to anything plural in the previous lines. I'm guessing you may be rreffering to the 2 people in the previous verse? If you are then you wouldn't be "getting them off your chest" You'd be getting them out of your mind or head. If you are reffering to words you need to say then you should make that clear. That kind of ruined that verse for me. Though you are starting to generate some nice flow in the last three lines. See how they read better than the others?

Verse III
Do you know how it feels
To be constantly paranoid
To think that everyone is lying
No matter how many times
You tell me over and over
I can't believe you
Paranoia's a B*tch
I just think you don't like me

This sounds a little like an angry text message but i guess thats what gives it it's sort of unique feel wheter intentional or not. The verse loses it's flow at "You tell me over and over" just because it doesn't sound right following the previous verse. The next thing you should change is "Paranoia's a B*tch" because "cursing" i will use that word loosely, sounds sort of like cheating in poetry almost, you are shortcutting your way to show you're angry, try use other ways of showing you're angry without having to curse. While this verse is very in your face and hostile it doesn't give much insentive for the reader. All i know is that someone made you angry and paranoid but i only know because you've put it in black and white. Like i've said before, try to use some sort of differentiation in your explanations by using different words and images.

Verse IV
And then someone has the balls
To come up to me and say
'I have such a bad life'
You think you have it bad?!
Put yourself in my shoes
What an inner conflict
I bet it'd break you down
You wouldn't be able to take it

"And then someone has the balls" say courage, courage is a nice poetic word and doesn't make the reader feel un easy. Again though this is like you're talking directly to the person or stringing a bunch of statements together. Try using those lines and turning them into something else using different words and using imagery. Paint a picture for the reader, let them decide what they see. Don't be so black and white.

Verse V
Stop telling me that I'm cold
Stop telling me that I'm harsh
Yeah I'm unsympathetic
You just don't get it
You haven't delt with it
The things I have to put up with
Don't yell at me

Okay the flow in this verse seems quite a bit better than before. Your wording is better and it is a little less black and white. But not enough. The verse still lacks a dynamic line and an image. If you showed us something i think this verse would be fine. Imgery is like "The pitter-patter of the rain against the window." that would be an example of giving the reader an image. They can visualize what you are saying and they will feell more into the poem. The next thing was the "Don't yell at me", that lines just seems so random to me. I don't see why it's there, you could maybe either follow that line up with another or put a different one in front of it.

Verse VI
Stop trying to change me
I'll do what I want
Please just leave me alone
'Cause one day I'll snap
And trust me
You'll be sorry.

Again this is just like the other verses. Lacks colour and versitality, at least it has some sort of closure. It wraps up nicely with the last 2 lines. The verse is weak in the sense that an outro should be strong and have some dynamic lines but it's just slightly good in the sense that it wraps things up. Still needs work. "I'll do what i want" isn't very poetic in my books. It reminds me of a 4 year old kid going against it's mothers orders.

Overveiw

It is clear to see that you are extremely uspset about something here but you seemed to just write down what you're freeling without really making it poetic. In future try to write a smaller poem with some good lines on paper. If you need help with this feel free to contact me or you could also veiw the sticky here (http://www.pokecommunity.com/showthread.php?t=69598) it is ver extensive and ver useful. I'm sorry i had to be so harsh but as i say i'm willing to help you out if you want. Please keep it coming though!

Anxiety.
July 29th, 2009, 01:36 PM
Thanks GavZ, for taking so much time to review my poem.
I've made some minor changes, it still is probably pretty bad, but I think it's better.