PDA

View Full Version : My first Poem (attempt) eek!


Kazukii
July 29th, 2009, 10:30 AM
Watching over the Uk

I sit here on this mossy rock at the peak of the UK in Stornoway,
I can see all the way down to the likes of western Plymouth,
There's the old time favourite Edinburgh Castle with all those little dots flashing their cameras,
I look not too further down and I see Bamburgh Castle next to a beautiful sandy beach,
Now I can see Liverpool Cathedral in all it's glory,
Standing tall representing the north is The Angel Of The North who looks proud,
There I see the massive Blackpool Roller Coaster that has intimidated so many,
I push aside a little fog that seems to be obscuring Birmingham,
Ah, there's the famous NEC Birmingham arena that holds so many incredible events,
It looks like I can see Englands capital now; London,
Tick-Tocking away is Big Ben and I've just heard the hourly clang of the bells
No further I look do I see The O2 arena where the likes of Beyoncé perfrom their stylish arts
The last thing London shows me is The London Eye which very slightly rotates around
The last landmark that draws the attention of my eyes is in Southampton right at the foot of the Uk,
The famous remains of the walls that helped protect Southampton during WWII brings pride to my heart,
The incredible land of the Uk holds so many majestic adventures & wonders to experience,
What will I see next?

___________

My first attempt at doing a poem online so go easy on me XD;

Vie
July 30th, 2009, 01:08 AM
I think its okay for the beginning, it has a nice topic (UK ftw!) and I like the open end with the question. To make it sound more like a poem, you should try to get the same amount of syllables in every line. You don't need exactly the same number of them, but similar would be good. I also like the personifications that you have there.
Keep it going.
:D

Kazukii
July 31st, 2009, 12:44 AM
Thanks for your comment cerebra and it makes sense what you're saying.

clobeau
July 31st, 2009, 12:46 AM
Yeah its an alright poem but to be honest, I would do it about Pokémon because it feels out of random.
Its a bit strange to write something about the UK on a Pokémon Poetry Forum!
Oh well get it published, I'm sure you'll make fine money out of it!

Kazukii
July 31st, 2009, 12:50 AM
Clobeau, this is in an off-topic forum for creativity, it can be based on whatever you like.. check the other poems in this section.

clobeau
July 31st, 2009, 06:09 AM
True. But still you'd be better off going to another website and then you may get money for it, trust me Zenus

Kazukii
July 31st, 2009, 06:39 AM
I don't want money XD I just want appreciation & compliments :)

Cazzicles
July 31st, 2009, 10:00 AM
I love this, makes me kinda appreciate that I live in the UK 'in all it's glory'. =D
Brilliant work!

Alexithymia~
August 2nd, 2009, 02:57 AM
Watching over the Uk




Standing tall representing the north is The Angel Of The North who looks proud,
~
~
~

The last thing London shows me is The London Eye which very slightly rotates around



These two sentences get me.
There is no need to repeat the word 'North' and 'London', it just doesn't flow.

So basically:
'Standing tall representing the north is The Angel who looks proud' &&&
'The last thing London shows me is The Eye which slowly rotates around'

I also suggest taking out the 'very' in the London sentence, as again, it doesn't flow, and try to stick to some sort of group of syllables or rhythm.

Just something to chew on there.

Kazukii
August 2nd, 2009, 03:03 AM
Hmm I understand your points you make.. they're true as well. Oh well ^_^ This was just my first attempt and I did this in 15 mins so meh.

Alexithymia~
August 2nd, 2009, 03:06 AM
Some nice work for 15 minutes, and the subject is quite different from what most people chooose ^^ Breath of fresh UK air.

*whispers* .. I love you too. *nods at user title*

Kazukii
August 2nd, 2009, 03:08 AM
I'm glad you love me too.
Possibly later today or tommorow I'll spend a bit more time on making a new poem.. might be good :3