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eevee_rocks!
July 30th, 2009, 12:54 PM
Trainer Sarah looked at her Grotle and sighed, when was he ever going to evolve into a Torterra? She desperately needed him to, she didnt know how much more living on the streets she could take. The money made by battling trainers in the surrounding area had brought her food and other necessities, but what she really needed was her own house, and what better place than on her Grotle's back, once it evolved into a Torterra. When she told people of her plans, they thought she was crazy, and alot of them said, "won't it hurt your poor Torterra? It wont be able to rest if it is constantly out of it's Pokeball carrying you around!" And her answer to that was always,"I'll let him sleep in his pokeball throughout the day and at night he will come out and I will sleep in a homemade house made of wood on his back. If animals can do it why cant I? And it wont be permanant anyway, just until I save up enough money to buy a proper house!"
However, the problem still remained that Grotle still hadnt evolved. Sarah began walking the streets searching for someone to battle with, hoping that the effects of the battle would cause Grotle to evolve. Finally, Sarah came across a snobby, rich girl dressed in a short, bright pink dress, carrying an Eevee dressed in a matching dress, which was obviously uncomfortable. The girl challenged Sarah, boasting it was going to be an easy win. However, halfway through the battle, when one of Ellen's Pokemon had fainted after a powerful attack from Grotle, Sarah's only Pokemon evolved! With its powerful new moves, Grotle was able to knock out Ellen's remaining Pokemon in one hit, and Ellen reluctantly handed over the prze money. Sarah was so over come with relief and happiness, she grabbed the large bundle of wood, nails and houshold items and heaved it onto Grotle's back and began building her house, even though she was hungry and her knees were shaking. After about an hour, there was a house, slightly bigger than a child's treehouse hidden between the branches of the huge tree growing out of her powerful pokemon. It was furnished sparsley, mainly with items from charity shops, although the bed had belonged to a kind old woman in the town a few miles away, who had been throwing it out because it was old and grubby, but Sarah had cleaned it up and now it looked like new. Sarah climbed off of Grotle and whispered something into his ear. Then she clambered back onto him and he slowly plodded off into the sunset...
"Lets go catch'em all!"

Feign
July 30th, 2009, 01:10 PM
Ummmm yeah...

Plot confusion, not much originality, vague details, grammar and paragraph errors, not to mention quite short.

Need I go on? I suggest reading up on fanfic guidelines.

Misheard Whisper
July 30th, 2009, 01:10 PM
Start by making your story into more than one paragraph. I suspect this was written up in the reply box, which is generally frowned upon here as it shows you've put little or no effort into it. This is hardly an entertaining read atm, so I highly recommend you give it another shot. Type it up in a word processor, add more detail, more info about the battle, and punctuate properly! Good luck!

Oh, and you continue to call it Grotle after it evolves for some reason. MIght wanna change that.

Zeph.
July 30th, 2009, 02:14 PM
I think that you rushed this too much.

Take your time when it comes to fanfics, if you have an idea, be sure to flesh it out and make sure it works.

Seperate the paragraphs, this not only makes the fic easier for the reader, but it makes it look slightly longer and much neater :)

As stated above, use a programme such as Microsoft Word, so that you can check your punctuation ans spelling.

And, please, make the story believable. I'm sorry, but I just don't see how on earth someone could build a small house on the back of a Torterra.

I'd scrap editing this idea and make a new one. Best of luck to you :)

Astinus
July 30th, 2009, 02:34 PM
I want prze money.

Anyhow, this really doesn't meet the standards of PFF&P. It would have if you had taken your time to look it over before you posted it, to make sure that paragraphs were in order and everything was spelled correctly.

Plus, I'm terribly confused at how Grotle evolved into Grotle.