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Foo Fighter
August 1st, 2009, 08:27 PM
A short poem that I thought of while trying to go to sleep one night.



I can feel myself for the very first time. Your scattered laughs always made it hard to.
Now that you’re gone I’m starting to unwind. Your painted picture is monochrome sky blue.

I started to have a relapse about the day we met.
Your warm smile always made it impossible to forget.

I take it you’ve found someone else by now. It’s expected. You are so beauty full.
The passion for your soul is now resurrected, but I couldn’t be such a fool

Would you like to spend an infinity with this here ol’ rover?
We could just turn the hourglass, and unscrew it, over and over and over.

I would make you the queen of hearts. The jokers would all bow and cry.
Before I fell into these parts, I never wished that I would die.

On this bridge with the bottle in my hands, just like in yours you hold my life.
I’ll throw it away and hope it reaches the sands. Would you be so kind as to oblige?

I know it’s not fair to ask you, but would you ruin me forever?
The way you seem to split in two would grant me the eternal pleasure.

They’re taking me away to a place I’ve never been.
Say I won’t be causing anymore sin.

But is it a sin just to love? A sin just to want? A sin to wish to be higher?
I’d gladly take my place in hell, If you’d come with me into the fire.


Screams in the dark cut through the blue. A bloodied object of your possesion.
Your failure to say one simple "I do". Is what drove me into this obsession.

Vie
August 2nd, 2009, 12:35 AM
Oh, I like the title, it made me curious. Also, I like that you have two-line-verses. But the firs sentence is...could be taken different. xD

seeker
August 2nd, 2009, 08:34 AM
Okay if you've ever seen my crits before you'll know how I do this: I break down each verse then show it's good and bad points then give you a full overview of the entire poem. But as you have seemed to make each verse 2 lines long I will be taking 4 lines at a time and putting them under one header. Except, I decided to take the first 2 lines separately and the last 3 together.


Verse I
I can feel myself for the very first time. Your scattered laughs always made it hard to.
Now that you’re gone I’m starting to unwind. Your painted picture is monochrome sky blue.


Right away alarm bells ring here. Your poem is entitled "Obsession" And your first line reads. "I can feel myself for the very first time." I advise you change that as it will give the reader the wrong impression. Try something like "I can feel who I am for the very first time" if you don't want to change it a lot. Moving on through the verse I begin to like it more and more. Your language is quite good but the actual delivery of your lines needs a little work. "Your scattered laughs always made it hard to", this confused me a little as I don't understand what you are trying to portray with "scattered laughs" does it mean that they are patronising you by laughing dishonestly? I don't know you may want to elaborate on that. I like the last two lines. Mainly for the use of "Monochrome sky blue", this has great rhyming flow with the previous lines and is an irregular choice of words. The monochrome sky blue suggests they've left behind calmness or that they've left and things have started to mellow which checks in with the previous line which points out that you're starting to unwind. Catchy little verse with nice flow just needs some tweaking.


Verse II
I started to have a relapse about the day we met.
Your warm smile always made it impossible to forget.

I take it you’ve found someone else by now. It’s expected. You are so beauty full.
The passion for your soul is now resurrected, but I couldn’t be such a fool

Firstly, and I’m not sure if this was intentional but "beauty full" is spelt incorrectly, "beautiful". If it was intentional it's still pointless and looks like a mistake. Your intro lines are quite nice I enjoyed reading them and the flow is good. "I take it" I don't like this, it rather breaks the flow. You should find a smoother reading line expressing how you assume they have found someone else. Then there's the beautiful spelling error. The last line irks me. I don't fully understand why you've said "The passion for your soul is now resurrected, but I couldn’t be such a fool" I would get rid of that altogether. "The passion for your soul is now resurrected" doesn't make much sense at all to me. You have a passion for their soul? It sounds as if you are portraying yourself to be some sort of Lucifer. Fool & Full don't rhyme either, In fact they clash a little. I would advise scrapping that line.


Verse III
Would you like to spend an infinity with this here ol’ rover?
We could just turn the hourglass, and unscrew it, over and over and over.

I would make you the queen of hearts. The jokers would all bow and cry.
Before I fell into these parts, I never wished that I would die.

"with this here ol’ rover" This line has terrible flow. It's even hard to say without pausing slightly. I understand if you want to keep rover at the end for rhyming but change the latter at it makes the flow break and sound like filler. I like the next line though. Using the hourglass as time and the sand inside being that time in which you spent just poured out. Nice little image I must admit. The last two lines however, while they have nice flow and read well, they contradict each other why would you "Make her the queen of hearts" then in the next line "Before I fell into these parts, I never wished that I would die" implying that you wish to die now, I’m also assuming when I read this that "the parts" are the feelings you have for her so why would you make her your queen then wish you could die? You might just want to clear that up but the flow is very nicely done.


Verse iv
On this bridge with the bottle in my hands, just like in yours you hold my life.
I’ll throw it away and hope it reaches the sands. Would you be so kind as to oblige?

I know it’s not fair to ask you, but would you ruin me forever?
The way you seem to split in two would grant me the eternal pleasure.


Nice verse. Probably one of the better ones. What I will say though is that the first two lines took me a second read before I could grasp it. I don’t know but I think your flow fails a little here. It may be the choice of words you used also. I would try trim those lines just a little bit. As of the last two lines I quite like them. Though the only think is "The way you seem to split in two would grant me the eternal pleasure" You should maybe say "If you were to split in two, that would grant me eternal pleasure" as it reads better". This is a stringer verse that needs slight tweaking but it is strong.


Verse V
They’re taking me away to a place I’ve never been.
Say I won’t be causing anymore sin.

But is it a sin just to love? A sin just to want? A sin to wish to be higher?
I’d gladly take my place in hell, If you’d come with me into the fire.


Screams in the dark cut through the blue. A bloodied object of your possession.
Your failure to say one simple "I do". Is what drove me into this obsession.

Been and sin don't rhyme but they don't clash either so it's fine but if you had intended rhyme you'll need to change your wording. The next 4 lines however are quite well done. Though I would advise changing "I’d gladly take my place in hell, If you’d come with me into the fire." to "I'd gladly take my place in hell, if you'd wish to join me, into the fire" Notice the extra comma I put in. That was to make a slight pause and let the flow not rum too quickly on "into the fire" some people may rush while reading if I hadn't and they wouldn't benefit from the line. This "Blue" you speak of I’m not quite sure what you are getting at as the night is dark. If you had made reference to their being some sort of tranquillity then you could mask the word "Calm" by using blue whilst keeping your rhyme. The rest of the verse though is perfect and I wouldn't go changing it!


Overveiw

Your English is quite good and you have a very nice selection of words. Though at times I will say you are trying to use poetic words to bring depth to the lines but you are failing to make sense. Try to think through what you are trying to say then worry about rhyming. Though you are certainly doing quite well. I don't need to say much in my overview as the latter sums it up. I apologise if I seemed harsh at points but you really did have some good lines.
I look forward to more.

Foo Fighter
August 2nd, 2009, 04:36 PM
Thanks for the review. I know my verses can be a little hard to pick up. I can hear it going on perfe tly in my head, but I can't exactly translate my rhythm into text. YOur review made plenty of sense. Especially on the parts about ol' rover. I live in a fairly southern area, and although I don't like to admit it, the country can sometimes sputter out. I decided to keep it though because I couldn't find anything better to fit in with over and I like that second verse so much that I just decided to settle.

My first line has a bit of my personal experience in it. Its hard to explain. This just kinda came out of me and onto the computer screen. :/
And the final bit with blue is a refrence back to verse 1.

THanks for the review again and expect more coming soon.