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§acred†Beo!
August 3rd, 2009, 07:32 PM
This Novel is the Prolouge of my two RPs which you can find the links below if you want more insight:


http://www.pokecommunity.com/showthread.php?t=184756
http://www.pokecommunity.com/showthread.php?t=167919

Pokemon Path to Light and Darkness: Prologue

Volume one

From Beo’s Eyes

Chapter one

Nightmare? Or omen?

They say that everyone in life has a true path of there own, that everyone has there own destiny. Destiny, fate, and a higher power do they play a roll in are life’s, if so how? How does one man become a trainer while the other a breeder? What makes one boy stray from the light and go down a dark path? I guess we never will be able to answer those questions. This is the story of three trainers, and there intertwined destiny’s.

Lighting struck a nearby tree; houses were burning to the ground, people seem to be running through the streets in panic as A huge dark cloud rolls over the town and slowly devours the region of Kanto. “What is going on??” A young boy about the age of five asks himself as he notices the terror in front of his very eyes. The boy is wearing his pajamas as if he just woke up and his messy dark black bed head hair seems to be standing on edge. As he continues to walk down the street, a man appears in front him. For a second the young boy seems to be in shock, as the man is quite frightening in his manor and dress attire. Wearing a dark black robe, that completely covers his face. The boy can see his eyes though. It’s as if he is looking into the soul of the devil himself they are lifeless, just clear white.

“Who are you?” The boy asks still shaking; he starts feeling colder as the strange man approaches him, and starts patting him on the head. The man then turns around “All in good time my friend, all in good time” He says, as shadows completely devour him and when the shadows had vanished, so did the man as well. That’s when everyone around the young boy just stopped dead in there crazy running. They all seemed to turn to him before suddenly them being eaten by the shadows as well. After seeing this, the young boy takes off running for his house. The shadows being to follow him, faster, faster, and faster devouring everything in it’s path before it comes up right behind the boy who had just reached his front door. He quickly opens his front door, but jumps in surprise and falls back on his porch as standing in his doorway was the cloaked man.

“Why, why are you after me, every time I fall asleep!” The boy shouts as the darkness quickly circles completely around him. The man then steps onto the shadows in front of the boy and the shadows quickly race into his body. The man then stares the boy down, “I need you” he says. The boy gets to his feet quickly startled by what the man just said. “What do you mean?” The boy asked as he slowly creeps backwards away from the man. The man quickly vanishes into the shadows again; as the boy thinks it’s over. He then feels a tap on his left shoulder from behind him.

“I NEED YOU!!!” The man laughs hysterically before his whole body quickly transforms into one big shadow and thrust itself the boy’s body. The boy lets out one big shout before falling to the ground unconscious. As his body lays there, a faint voice of a young girl is heard. “Beo, Beo, BEO!” The voice screams getting louder.

The young boy wakes up laying in a bed. His hair and face dripping sweet, he looks around the room a little confused. Finally he realizes everything that just happened to him was a dream and he lets out a small sigh. Once again he hears someone calling his name, “BEO!!” the voice of a young girl shouts again. The young boy whose name is now known to be Beo walks over to his window and opens it. He looks down to see a young girl with short blond hair waving up to him. “Good morning sleepy head!” She shouts to him. Beo smiles and waves back “Hold on Sly I’ll get dress and head right now!” he says quickly closing his window. Heading over towards his dresser he opens up the top cabinet and pulls out a black t-shirt and slides it over his head. The boys hair is still a mess and he runs into the bathroom and quickly rinses it down, and then combs it to look neater but still spiked up.

Sly sits patiently on the boys porch looking up to the sky, she seems to be thinking about things. Beo then opens the door and sits down beside her, “So what are you thinking bout sly?” he asks her as she quickly looks down from the sky and back to him. “What do you mean?” She asks. Beo looks at her and smiles, “Oh come on now Sly you were thinking about something” he pauses for a second as he sees her start to wonder. “Was it me?” as soon as the question leaves his lips the young girls face turns bright red and she quickly stands up and walks off the porch. Beo stands up quickly as the sceneary around him flashes and everything is dark again, and he sees the cloaked man once again standing in front him. “GET AWAY FROM ME!” Beo shouts before falling down. Sly quickly runs over to him, “Beo are you ok?” She asks helping the boy sit up. To her surprise though there is no response from him, he is just staring off into space. She then looks into his eyes only to find them all white, she quickly jumps back in shock and almost takes off running before his eyes slowly change back.

“Beo…..?” she asks softly from a distance. A few seconds later he looks up to her, and smiles “Yes Sly?” he asks as if nothing had just happened. She moves in closer again, “never mind…” She whispers as Beo gets to his feet. “Well what are our plans for today?” He asks with a strange smirk on his face. Sly notices something strange is off with her friend but decides to leave it alone, “Oh well were going to go meet Zypher down by the river he is hoping the Gyardos will make an appearance” She says as Beo’s grin gets even bigger. “Perfect!” He shouts as he starts heading off towards the trees behind in front of his house. He then realizes Sly is not following him and turns around “Are you coming?” After a few seconds she runs up besides him and smiles “Of course silly” she says.

End of Chapter 1.

Misheard Whisper
August 3rd, 2009, 07:59 PM
There are lots of grammar mistakes in this, the most major of which is the fact that you need to start a new paragraph when someone talks, not just when you feel like it.

“Beo…..?” she asks softly from a distance. A few seconds later he looks up to her and smiles.

“Yes, Sly?” he asks as if nothing had just happened. She moves in closer again.

“Never mind…” she whispers as Beo gets to his feet.

“Well, what are our plans for today?” he asks with a strange smirk on his face.

. . . and so on. Also, you don't need a capital for 'he said', 'she said' etc. There are many other errors you make here, and you'd be better suited getting a beta reader. They can help you find obvious mistakes. Still, you should read over your own work at least once and find most of these mistakes. When you can show that you have, I'll read and review your actual story.

Oh, and you spelled 'prologue' wrong on multiple occasions, most noticeably in the title. You realise you can't change the title yourself, right? No matter how many chapters you post, it'll still read Prolouge (sic).

§acred†Beo!
August 3rd, 2009, 08:06 PM
Well I think this can be closed then! And I will just write the novel and then go over it and have someone else look it over, and what not.. Sorry for the waste of space!

Misheard Whisper
August 3rd, 2009, 08:34 PM
I didn't mean you should give up. Simply revise it and try again. Giving in will gain you nothing.

§acred†Beo!
August 3rd, 2009, 08:40 PM
I know thats what I am going to do. I have just never been good with Grammar and writing in period, I always have great ideas but when it comes to writing it down I don't have a great Knack for it. Even with two semesters of college English under my belt! Ha but anyways I am going to just start over and write the whole novel first and I asked ShadowYashi to basically be my Beta reader.

Misheard Whisper
August 3rd, 2009, 09:00 PM
Sorry, I misunderstood. You threw me with your calling it a 'novel'. Anyway, good luck.

Astinus
August 3rd, 2009, 10:06 PM
Well I think this can be closed then! And I will just write the novel and then go over it and have someone else look it over, and what not.. Sorry for the waste of space!
Closed on author's request.

Good luck with future versions of this story.