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*Vulpix09*
August 4th, 2009, 09:52 AM
This is my first fanfic so expect me to make lots of mistakes! This is mostly about Cyrus and is also set in Sinnoh. I'm going to post the prologue, sorry because it's quite long! Also good critism is very welcome, and so is bad critism, but make sure it's constructive please. Feel free to correct to my mistakes and point out typos and stuff, actually do correct it because it will help me in future chapters. Enjoy!
(This prologue is dedicated to my mum, who is currently helping me!)
Prologue:

“You have not obeyed my orders.” The tall man with blue hair leaned back on the chair, half of his face slightly in shadow where the feeble light of the ceiling lamp couldn’t reach it.
“B-but sir, you must understand. Evans is not an easy man to question. He has shown a great level of determination towards not answering our questions. Please Cyrus sir, believe me. We have interrogated him for several hours, but to no avail, we’ve truly tried our best.” The small man who bore an acute resemblance to a rat was kneeling on the floor, before the blue-haired man, Cyrus.
“I understand, but you will still not go without a slight punishment. Grovelling will do no good Francach, you need to try your absolute best. Now, Lucian the whip, if you please.” A small smile played on Cyrus’ slightly parted lips, but was gone in an instant as a another tall but dark-haired man stepped out of the shadows.
“Certainly, sir.” Lucian replied, then drew out a long stick with a metal coating. Unwillingly Franchan lifted up his shirt, he knew that if he refused this punishment much harsher ones would follow. He bit his tongue, he did not want to scream as this would give Cyrus satisifaction.
Lucian raised the whip above his head and brought it down with a sickening crack on Franchan’s bare skin. He continued to do this, and after a while the pain was so unbearable for Franchan that he let out a piercing scream which echoed against the stone walls of the room. Cyrus, who was unfazed by the whole scene had sat back down and was watching with pleasure.
“Evans also must suffer. Perhaps I will remove one of his beloved daughters, that may make him buck up. Yes, I shall tell Lucian to go and take the first one he sees.” Cyrus said to himself and continued to watch Lucian distorting Franchan’s back with bloody gashes from the metal-coated whip.
*
6 year old Sara Evans was playing hide-and seek with her older sister, Kate and the family pokemon, Eevee.
“Can’t catch me!” she taunted Kate, then she and Eevee ran behind the nearest tree and listened while Kate counted to a 100.
“60, 61, 62, 63, 6-” Suddenly Kate stopped and there was a deathly silence. Sara wondered why she has stopped, and listened intently. She motioned for Eevee to be quiet, and he obeyed her. Then a sudden scream chilled Sara to the very bone. She would know who’s scream that was anywhere, Kate’s. Another scream. Sara wanted to help Kate so much but she found for some reason she couldn’t move. All she could do was listen in terror to Kate’s pleading sobs and screams.
“Please! Let me go! Sara’s so young, I can’t leave her like this. Where are you taking me? Help, please someone, help!” It was too much to take. Eevee’s teeth were bared and the hackles on his neck raised. He was emtting a low growling noise and Sara tried to hush him in vain, petrified he would give them away. She held tightly onto his back, so he couldn't get away. Tears were pouring down her cheeks, drenching her thin t-shirt. After a while Kate’s screams subsided. Long after they stopped, Sara sat there, her hand still on Eevee’s back so that he wouldn’t rush out.
Why would someone come and take Kate away? had she done something wrong? All these thoughts were fluttering around in Sara’s brain as she tried to make sense of it all. Tears were still trickling down her face and landing on Eevee’s back, making him jump. Sara suddenly felt very tired, and after a while closed her eyes and fell asleep. Eevee stayed awake, even though he was tired too but he had to keep guard over them both. Many hours had passed when Sara woke up. She stretched and got up, and made her way cautisiously out from behind the tree, Eevee following close at her heels. Then she started to look for signs of Kate.
“Kate! Kate! Where are you, Kate? Answer me please!” She called. But there was no reply. Kate was gone and she was left, all alone.

Franchan (prounced Frown-coc) is an irish word. I will dedicate the 1st chapter to whoever can find out what it translates to in english. Remember to read the prologue closely, as this may provide some clues. I will give you a clue anyway, it is a rodent.
Good luck and the next chapter will be here soon! *Vulpix09*

Feign
August 4th, 2009, 10:25 AM
My stuff will be in red and red brackets. Also watch the spacing.

This is my first fanfic so expect me to make lots of mistakes! This is mostly about Cyrus and is also set in Sinnoh. I'm going to post the prologue, sorry because it's quite long! Also good critism is very welcome, and so is bad critism, but make sure it's constructive please. Feel free to correct to my mistakes and point out typos and stuff, actually do correct it because it will help me in future chapters. Enjoy!
(This prologue is dedicated to my mum, who is currently helping me!)
Prologue:

“You have not obeyed my given (it's a bit redundant) orders.” The tall man with blue hair leaned back on the chair, his face partly covered by the shadows which the small, dark room cast. (this description is a bit confusing, perhaps you should at least describe the light source, as right now it sounds like the literary device called 'Pathetic Fallacy')

“B-but sir, you must understand. Evans is not an easy man to question. He has shown a great level of determination towards not answering our questions. Please Cyrus sir, believe me. We have interrogated him for several hours, but to no avail, we’ve truly tried our best.” The small man who bore an acute resemblance to a rat was kneeling on the floor, before the blue-haired man, Cyrus.

“I understand, but you will still not go without a slight punishment. Grovelling will do no good Francach, you need to try your absolute best. Now, Lucian the whip, if you please.” A small smile played on Cyrus’ slightly parted lips, but was gone in an instant as a another tall but dark-haired man stepped out of the shadows.

“Certainly, sir.” Lucian replied, then drew out a long stick with a metal coating. Unwillingly Franchan lifted up his shirt, he knew that if he refused this punishment much harsher ones would follow. He bit his tongue, he did not want to scream as this would give Cyrus satisifaction. (I thought Cyrus was unemotional and indifferent?)

Lucian raised the whip above his head and brought it down with a sickening crack on Franchan’s bare skin. He continued to do this, and after a while the pain was so unbearable for Franchan that he let out a piercing scream which echoed against the stone walls of the room. Cyrus, who was unfazed by the whole scene had sat back down and was watching with pleasure.

“Evans also must suffer. Perhaps I will remove one of his beloved daughters, that may make him buck up. Yes, I shall tell Lucian to go and take the first one he sees.” Cyrus said to himself and continued to watch Lucian distorting Franchan’s back with bloody gashes from the metal-coated whip.

*

Six year old Sara Evans was playing hide-and seek with her older sister, Kate and the family pokemon, Eevee.

“Can’t catch me!” she taunted Kate, then she and Eevee ran behind the nearest tree while Kate counted to a 100. Sara waited, listening to Kate’s counting. (redundant, if anything you can include that portion in the previous sentence)

“60, 61, 62, 63, 6-” Suddenly Kate stopped and there was a deathly silence.

Sara wondered why she has stopped, and listened intently. She motioned for Eevee to be quiet, and he obeyed her. Then a sudden scream chilled Sara to the very bone. She would know who’s scream that was anywhere, Kate’s. Another scream. Sara wanted to help Kate so much but she found for some reason she couldn’t move. All she could do was listen in terror to Kate’s pleading sobs and screams.

“Please! Let me go! Sara’s so young, I can’t leave her like this. Where are you taking me? Help, please someone, help!” It was too much to take. Eevee’s teeth were bared and the hackles on his neck raised. He was emtting a low growling noise and Sara tried to hush him in vain, petrified he would give them away. Tears were pouring down her cheeks, drenching her thin t-shirt. After a while Kate’s screams subsided. Deciding it was safe to come out, Sara stood up and walked out from behind the tree, Eevee following at her heels. (this is where realism tends to get difficult. We're getting into psychology now, but it would also depend on characteristics. Is Sara the type of person to help? Even Eevee? Sure she locked up and she is young. At the same rate, she proabably wouldn't be able to simply walk out from behind the ree, right after this had occured, assuming that she had been traumitized of her sister's kidnapping)

“Kate! Kate! Where are you, Kate? Answer me please!” She called. But there was no reply. Kate was gone and she was left, all alone.

Franchan (prounced Frown-coc) is an irish word. I will dedicate the 1st chapter to whoever can find out what it translates to in english. Remember to read the prologue closely, as this may provide some clues. I will give you a clue anyway, it is a rodent.
Good luck and the next chapter will be here soon! *Vulpix09*


All in all, aside from some realism issues, leaving it like a cliffhanger like that was an interesting idea. Especially having introduced Cyrus first. Like, what importance would they all play etc.

*Vulpix09*
August 4th, 2009, 11:26 AM
I wrote out all the edit answers to your edits but it took so long that when I finally finished and clicked the save button it SAID I WASN'T LOGGED IN!!! *sobs onto computer and bangs fists on table* Nevermind I have to come off the computer now so I'll correct the prologue tomoroow and also right out the edit answers AGAIN!

*Vulpix09*
August 5th, 2009, 12:24 AM
Originally posted by Feign
“You have not obeyed my given (it's a bit redundant) orders.” The tall man with blue hair leaned back on the chair, his face partly covered by the shadows which the small, dark room cast. (this description is a bit confusing, perhaps you should at least describe the light source, as right now it sounds like the literary device called 'Pathetic Fallacy')
I've changed it, so you can have another look at the prologue.

Originally posted by Feign
He bit his tongue, he did not want to scream as this would give Cyrus satisifaction. (I thought Cyrus was unemotional and indifferent?)
I wanted to give the readers a bit of a hint that Cyris may just be a little bit human. Later on in the story his human side will show even more when he feels remorse for some of his actions...

Originally posted by Feign
Can’t catch me!” she taunted Kate, then she and Eevee ran behind the nearest tree while Kate counted to a 100. Sara waited, listening to Kate’s counting. (redundant, if anything you can include that portion in the previous sentence)

Changed that aswell=)

Originally posted by Feign
“Please! Let me go! Sara’s so young, I can’t leave her like this. Where are you taking me? Help, please someone, help!” It was too much to take. Eevee’s teeth were bared and the hackles on his neck raised. He was emtting a low growling noise and Sara tried to hush him in vain, petrified he would give them away. Tears were pouring down her cheeks, drenching her thin t-shirt. After a while Kate’s screams subsided. Deciding it was safe to come out, Sara stood up and walked out from behind the tree, Eevee following at her heels. (this is where realism tends to get difficult. We're getting into psychology now, but it would also depend on characteristics. Is Sara the type of person to help? Even Eevee? Sure she locked up and she is young. At the same rate, she proabably wouldn't be able to simply walk out from behind the ree, right after this had occured, assuming that she had been traumitized of her sister's kidnapping)
I have changed that aswell, but I wanted to say that Sara is quite an insecure little girl and also a bit of a coward when it comes to situations like these. She wanted to help but she found her body was paralsyed and she couldn't move, like it says in the prologue. As for Eevee he wanted to help too, but he couldn't as Sara was holding onto his back tightly and he couldn't go. Sara was afraid he give them away and she'd be kidnapped like her sister. *Sighs* I'm working on the next chapter now, so bye! *Vulpix09*

*Vulpix09*
August 5th, 2009, 01:49 AM
Here's chapter one! Critism wanted...ect, enjoy!

Chapter 1 Bonding:

“Here darling, here’s your present. Now be careful, there’s a living creature inside of that. Oh dear, I hope it doesn’t bite. Maybe I shouldn’t have got you it, oh what would your-”
“Don’t worry mum. I’m 12, I can take care of myself you know!” Sara interrupted her mum. She was always fussing over Sara, ever since Kate had disappeared. She was worried that the same thing would happen to Sara. It was all because of dad’s job. He was the head of some secret society, hell-bent on stopping a bloke with blue-hair called Cyprus or something.
Drifting back to reality, Sara eagerly took the sphere-shaped present her mum handed her with a word of thanks, then remembered it was a living creature and took the wrapping off s-l-o-w-l-y.

Just like she had thought it was a pokeball, red and shiny with a big gold button. Sara’s finger itched to press it and reveal the hidden Pokemon inside, but she had to wait until her mum said so.
“OK Sara, you can open it now.” Mrs.Evans said gently, seeing the look on her daughter’s face. Sara pressed the button and in a dazzling white light a Pokemon’s figure was formed. After the light disappeared Sara looked around for her new Pokemon. But she couldn’t see it anywhere!

Just then a yapping sound in the corner of the room made Sara look over, and to her astonishment Eevee was running round in circles and being chased by a...a Pidgeotto! The beautiful brown bird with red tassels on its head was teasing Eevee by flying after him and squawking at intervals. Sara couldn’t help but laugh. The sight was very funny, but after a while Mrs.Evans called over Pidgeotto and gave it to Sara who awkwardly stroked its head.
“It’s a boy,” said Mrs.Evans “Are you going to give it a nickname?”
Sara didn’t usually give Pokemon nicknames but she thought Pidgeotto was so unusual she decided this time she would.
“Yes, Scarlet.” Sara replied.
***
“Good bye Mum, and say bye to Dad to when you see him. And thanks for packing my bag, though I don’t know why I need so, many pairs of socks...” Sara called to her mum while she mounted her bike on the gravely path outside their home in Floaroma town.
“You never know what could happen, you could fall in a river, a swamp, quicksand, a marsh, a-”
“Ok Mum, I get the picture.” Sara interrupted. She sighed, her mum would never stop being overprotective of her. But at least she’d persuaded mum to let her go on this journey, with a little help from dad...
After many tears (mostly from Mrs.Evans) Sara set off with Scarlet flying behind closely towards Jubilife City. She wanted to steer clear of Eterna Forest as much as possible as this was where Kate had been kidnapped and it brought back painful memories. Gripping her handlebars tightly, Sara sped down the country paths. She passed many trainers, who like her, were just starting out. After a while she decided to stop and have lunch, under the shade of a large oran berry tree. Suddenly a trainer with short golden hair came up to her and said
“Excuse me, but would you be so kind as to have a battle with me?” She spoke in a posh accent but Sara accepted none-the-less.

Sara stood up awkwardly and they faced each other.
“Go Scarlet!” Sara called, and Scarlet flew gracefully towards Sara and hovered in mid-air above her waist. His wings were spread wide out and his talons were glinting in the sun, giving him an impressive but menacing look.
“Go Turtwig!” her opponent commanded, and a small turtwig emerged from her pokeball. It’s small figure stood proud, awaiting the challenge. And so the battle began.
“Turtwig use tackle!”
“Scarlet, swerve to the right and use peck!” Scarlet dodged at the last minute and stabbed Turtwig with a sharp peck. Turtwig cowered but then regained his dignity and stood tall once more.
“Turtwig use razorleaf, full power!”
“Scarlet, dodge!” But this time Scarlet hadn’t been paying attention and Turtwig got his revenge by sending a full-power razorleaf towards Scarlet which hit him full in the face. Scarlet let out a squawk of anger and after shaking his head it was clear he wanted to win.
“Scarlet use aerial ace, full power!” Sara cried and Scarlet zoomed full speed and hit Turtwig on the head. The attack was so powerful it sent Turtwig hurtling back and he hit the tree, then slid to the floor unconcious. Triumphantly Scarlet flew and landed on Sara’s shoulder. Sara was pleased that she’d won her first battle. She loved the feel of adreline that coursed through her veins. The trainer then revived her Pokemon and ran off in a huff towards Floaroma Town .
Sara shook her head then continued to eat her picnic with Scarlet.
***
“Lucian I have something I want you to do for me.” Cyrus’ voice was commanding and Lucian knew he had no choice but to do as his master bade him. Lucian was as tall as Cyrus, and although his eyes were sky-blue, they were cold, hard and devoid of any emotion. In fact it was truthful to say that Lucian was more like a robot then a human. He was Cyrus’ right-hand hand; he carried out his orders with obediance and no complaint.
His orders from Cyrus had been to follow Evan’s youngest daughter, Sara. Unlike Kate he had been commanded to just follow her every move and not to lay a finger on her whatsoever. Lucian was slightly surprised (simple emotions were within his capability) because Cyrus enjoyed nothing more then torturing the living daylights out of people. When Cyrus had said this Lucian had sworn he saw a hint of affection in Cyrus’ eyes but it was gone in a instant. Puzzling as it was Lucian had to carry out the orders, so he went to find Sara.
Please review ect. and I'm working on chap.2!

*Vulpix09*
August 6th, 2009, 05:13 AM
Isn't someone going to review? It would be great if someone did (and added some constructive critism too) because it will help me improve my writing in future chapters. So please, please don't be afraid to review! I won't bite your head off if you do, in fact I'll be mighty pleased! thanks, *Vulpix09*

Feign
August 6th, 2009, 12:55 PM
I've come to learn that sometimes no reviews will take place (especially suddenly), so one can only hope for the best. However, there is a thread in the lounge dedicated to review swapping where you can list your fic for those to review.

Here's chapter one! Critism wanted...ect, enjoy!

Chapter 1 Bonding:

“Here darling, here’s your present. Now be careful, there’s a living creature inside of that. Oh dear, I hope it doesn’t bite. Maybe I shouldn’t have got you it (didn't she just do that?), oh what would your-”

“Don’t worry mum, I’m 12, I can take care of myself you know!” Sara interrupted her mum. She was always fussing over Sara, ever since Kate had disappeared. She was worried that the same thing would happen to Sara. It was all because of dad’s job. He was the head of some secret society, hell-bent on stopping a bloke with blue-hair called Cyprus or something. (Six years since the kidnapping? Would not the father exchange himself for his daughter? That seems to be a harsh jump in time)

Drifting back to reality, Sara eagerly took the sphere-shaped present her mum handed her with a word of thanks, then remembered it was a living creature and took the wrapping off slowly.

Just like she had thought it, was a pokeball, red and shiny with a big gold button. Sara’s finger itched to press it and reveal the hidden Pokemon inside, but she had to wait until her mum said so.

“OK Sara, you can open it now.” Mrs. Evans said gently, seeing the look on her daughter’s face. Sara pressed the button and in a dazzling white light a Pokemon’s figure was formed. After the light disappeared Sara looked around for her new Pokemon. But she couldn’t see it anywhere!

Just then a yapping sound in the corner of the room made Sara look over, and to her astonishment Eevee was running around in circles and being chased by a...a Pidgeotto! The beautiful brown bird with red tassels on its head was teasing Eevee by flying after him and squawking at intervals. Sara couldn’t help but laugh. The sight was very funny, but after a while Mrs. Evans called over Pidgeotto and gave it to Sara who awkwardly stroked its head. (Would a Pidgeotto be a better choice then a Pidgey for a new trainer?)

“It’s a boy,” said Mrs. Evans. “Are you going to give it a nickname?”

Sara didn’t usually give Pokemon nicknames but she thought Pidgeotto was so unusual she decided this time she would.

“Yes, Scarlet.” Sara replied. (I'm not sure if that is the best boy's name, sounds more feminine)

***

“Good bye Mum, and say bye to Dad to when you see him. And thanks for packing my bag, though I don’t know why I need so, many pairs of socks...” Sara called to her mum while she mounted her bike on the gravely (adjective needed here) path outside their home in Floaroma town.

“You never know what could happen, you could fall in a river, a swamp, quicksand, a marsh, a-”

“Ok Mum, I get the picture.” Sara interrupted. She sighed, her mum would never stop being overprotective of her. But at least she’d persuaded mum to let her go on this journey, with a little help from dad. (I imagine that would have been difficult, seeing as Kate had been kidnapped)

After many tears (mostly from Mrs. Evans) Sara set off with Scarlet flying behind closely towards Jubilife City. She wanted to steer clear of Eterna Forest as much as possible as this was where Kate had been kidnapped and it brought back painful memories. Gripping her handlebars tightly, Sara sped down the country paths. She passed many trainers, who like her, were just starting out. After a while she decided to stop and have lunch, under the shade of a large oran berry tree. Suddenly a trainer with short golden hair came up to her. and said

“Excuse me, but would you be so kind as to have a battle with me?” She spoke in a posh accent but Sara accepted none-the-less.

Sara stood up awkwardly and they faced each other.

“Go Scarlet!” Sara called, and Scarlet flew gracefully towards Sara and hovered in mid-air above her waist. His wings were spread wide out and his talons were glinting in the sun, giving him an impressive but menacing look. (just as a note, when Scarlet first came out of its pokeball, it seemed to either be really playful or just plain disobedient)

“Go Turtwig!” her opponent commanded, and a small turtwig emerged from her pokeball. It’s small figure stood proud, awaiting the challenge. And so the battle began.

“Turtwig use tackle!”

“Scarlet, swerve to the right and use peck!” Scarlet dodged at the last minute and stabbed Turtwig with a sharp peck. Turtwig cowered but then regained his dignity and stood tall once more. (When did Sara suddenly learn how to do a Pokemon battle? Also I figure, especially due to her inexperience, that the Pidegeotto would not comply)

“Turtwig use razorleaf, full power!”

“Scarlet, dodge!” But this time Scarlet hadn’t been paying attention and Turtwig got his revenge by sending a full-power razorleaf towards Scarlet which hit him full in the face. Scarlet let out a squawk of anger and after shaking his head it was clear he wanted to win. (What is a full power razorleaf? You might want to describe the attacks in more detail, Pokemon battles are a hard thing to write about, for everyone, not just for new writers. The thing is, battles tend to sound like the games, where one person does an attack at a time, very linear and turn-based another words)

“Scarlet use aerial ace, full power!” Sara cried and Scarlet zoomed full speed and hit Turtwig on the head. The attack was so powerful it sent Turtwig hurtling back and he hit the tree, then slid to the floor unconcious. Triumphantly Scarlet flew and landed on Sara’s shoulder. Sara was pleased that she’d won her first battle. She loved the feel of adrenaline that coursed through her veins. The trainer then revived her Pokemon and ran off in a huff towards Floaroma Town. Sara shook her head then continued to eat her picnic with Scarlet. (I kind of expected Sara to loose. Also pertaining to her character in chapter one, I'd think she would either be afraid to fight, or be quite a pacifist)

***

“Lucian I have something I want you to do for me.” Cyrus’ voice was commanding and Lucian knew he had no choice but to do as his master bade him.

Lucian was as tall as Cyrus, and although his eyes were sky-blue, they were cold, hard and devoid of any emotion. In fact it was truthful to say that Lucian was more like a robot then a human. He was Cyrus’ right-hand hand; he carried out his orders with obedience and without complaint.

His orders from Cyrus had been to follow Evan’s youngest daughter, Sara. Unlike Kate he had been commanded to just follow her every move and not to lay a finger on her whatsoever. Lucian was slightly surprised (simple emotions were within his capability) because Cyrus enjoyed nothing more then torturing the living daylights out of people. (I might have thought that Lucian wouldn't be surprised of Cyrus anymore, especially the length of time they have been together) When Cyrus had said this Lucian had sworn, he saw a hint of affection in Cyrus’ eyes but it was gone in a instant. Puzzling as it was Lucian had to carry out the orders, so he went to find Sara.
Please review ect. and I'm working on chap.2!

So like the previous chapter there are some inconsistencies, especially in dealing with characterizations. Perhaps if it helps, try to have a "conversation" with your character, to determine how that person would act. At six years old, seeing a sister being kidnapped would be pretty traumatizing. Also you say that she knew her father was involved in a serious job, perhaps if she knew that her father's involvment in whatever he does lead to his daughter being kidnapped, might mean that Sara would hate her father by quite a bit.

All in all, I am glad you are continuing this, and trying your best (heck my advise isn't something to be put into stone, more of a suggestion, but I do try to help). :)

*Vulpix09*
August 7th, 2009, 12:24 AM
Thanks and I'll rewrite chapter one again. Now reading it again, it does seem like I've made an awful lot of mistakes. But then again, most excellent writers started out by making lots of mistakes. Thanks again!

I'll correct chap.1 later today or tomorrow, bye!

Citrinin
August 7th, 2009, 05:01 PM
Firstly, I think all (or most) readers would appreciate it if you put a white line between each of your paragraphs. It would make ti so much easier to read. For example, instead of:

“You have not obeyed my orders.” The tall man with blue hair leaned back on the chair, half of his face slightly in shadow where the feeble light of the ceiling lamp couldn’t reach it.
“B-but sir, you must understand. Evans is not an easy man to question. He has shown a great level of determination towards not answering our questions. Please Cyrus sir, believe me. We have interrogated him for several hours, but to no avail, we’ve truly tried our best.” The small man who bore an acute resemblance to a rat was kneeling on the floor, before the blue-haired man, Cyrus.You could instead do
“You have not obeyed my orders.” The tall man with blue hair leaned back on the chair, half of his face slightly in shadow where the feeble light of the ceiling lamp couldn’t reach it.

“B-but sir, you must understand. Evans is not an easy man to question. He has shown a great level of determination towards not answering our questions. Please Cyrus sir, believe me. We have interrogated him for several hours, but to no avail, we’ve truly tried our best.” The small man who bore an acute resemblance to a rat was kneeling on the floor, before the blue-haired man, Cyrus.Mrs.EvansNames and honorifics should be separated. Instead of "Mrs.Evans", it should be "Mrs. Evans".

said
“Excuse me, but would you be so kind as to have a battle with me?”This should be said, “Excuse me, but would you be so kind as to have a battle with me?” You don't need a line between the verb that indicates that the person spoke and what they said - just a comma.

ran off in a huff towards Floaroma Town .Should be "ran off in a huff towards Floaroma Town."

May I also suggest typing Pokémon rather than Pokemon? To make the é, you hold down the ALT button, type "130" (some computers treat it differently though - you may need to type "233" or "0233". Of course, it's possible that none of these will work, particularly on non-Windows computers, in which case you'll have to find the character map*) on the number pad, and then release the ALT button. ^^

Other than that, some plot comments: you're doing quite well, showing different perspectives, one rather lighthearted (at least at the moment) and the other eerie and foreboding, a style similar to what I do. :) Feign has laid out very valid concerns for your characters, though, and you should work on improving that. :)

*Thanks Valentine for pointing this out.