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Ash~The Purifying Prince~
August 6th, 2009, 03:05 AM
(Well people; I FINALLY managed to get my Prologue done for my upcoming Fanfic; its not as long as what I thought it was going to be; I had to shorten it right down actually; since it contained way too much info thats for the very first chapter. I can't really say that its one of the best prologue's I've ever written, but it'll do. The chapters will be way more interesting once I get the chance to put the first couple up. Just so you all know Misty is the one that is telling the Prologue.
Well it may not be my best works but I hope at least some of you will enjoy it; but I promise you the chapters will make it way better. ^^ So since this is my first upload here; pelase try to be nice; I know its not fantastic. xD I apologize that some of the text is slightly different in size; I don't even know why it did that but I have tried to fix it, its really weird. I'm not entirely sure if the rating should be PG of PG+13; but just in case I've set it on PG+13, thats as high as its going to go.)


The Legend Of The Purifying Prince
~Prologue~


"In the land of Pokémon, there echoes a legend.
A legend held dearly by the people of Purity Village that tells of a boy…



A boy who, existed over seven thousand years ago and brought an end to the war that had pushed the world and all human existence to its brink…


Done with the battles he once fought against the ruler of all Shadow Pokémon….the one whose heart had been so terribly tainted with darkness it had been said that it was completely impossible to purify; The heart of Riyurai, the boy the legend speaks of was so pure and held not one ounce of darkness in it what so ever…had a power hidden deep within him. This power did not stir until the very last moments, where it looked as if the entire human race was going to be brought to a shut down…it was in these heated moments of fierce battle that something happened…

Time itself seemed to stand still; Riyurai entered a trance, a state where his entire being was surrounded with a blinding white light; so dazzling that every single Shadow Pokémon were forced to stop fighting and shield away their eyes…



One by one; each tainted heart was soon touched by the gentle light rays of this unknown power; it loosened the darkness that imprisoned each heart and the Pokémon that had suffered in the first place were once again freed from the clutches of evil…even Chaos….the Shadow Lugia who had brought this war upon the world in the first place was touched by such warmth…


As Riyurai approached the struggling Shadow Lugia; their eyes met and it was in that short gaze that both knew that this war was over. With his hand glowing with a silvery, wispy white aura…Riyurai raised it and placed it upon the place where Chaos’s tainted heart resided…a light stronger than before over took the entire battle field. And all too soon the two figures that the light had mostly surrounded had vanished…

Now no longer tainted by darkness, the once Shadow Pokémon were full of confusion on where Chaos and the boy known as Riyurai had gone too, it didn’t take long before they and all the humans realized that the young boy had sacrificed himself in order to restore peace. Such a kindness soon brought weeping in amongst them all, and they vowed to never again fight the way they did ever again. It was in the honour of Riyurai; that the people of the traditional village known as Purity that this legend was written, and even today a statue of him can be viewed in that exact village.


For over seven thousand years; Pokémon and humans remained true to that vow their ancestors had made all those years ago; but soon…all that peace was going to be once again shattered. Nardia; the elder of Purity Village predicted that evil would again thrust its evil upon Pokémon and turn them once more into Shadowy forms of themselves….it had been over seven thousand years, and even though this danger had been brewing the moment it ended; there has been no sign of a another chosen one, that has the same pure heart. Everyday that passes; the people of Purity village grow more and more anxious that another will not rise to meet the dangerous challenge that would once again determine the fate of the world.



The words spoken in the legend; as Nardia has told the villager’s over and over again…”When light is once again swallowed by the darkness…it will be on the night of the seven-thousand and one anniversary of Riyurai’s disappearance that the purifying powers that have all been buried deep within the heart of another will be stirred and awakened…and he, the reincarnation of Riyurai…The Purifying Prince…will rise to defend the world once more from history repeating itself.”
But alas…as time passed, the people of Purity Village have all but lost hope that The Purifying Prince has been reborn into another; If he does not reappear soon…then the world will be completely destroyed and so will the people who live within it…


It wasn’t until Professor Oak passed on this ancient legend to me out of curiosity, did I realize that maybe…just maybe I already knew who the Prince could possibly be; Even I could sense a change in the air, something was defiantly stirring somewhere and it wasn’t good. My separation from Ash had caused me to think back on all the times we had shared together, and it wasn’t until upon hearing that legend did it get me thinking. Over those few years that I travelled with Ash; I realized that all those chances…all those meetings with legendary Pokémon and him having some sort of connection with each and every one of them was no coincidence…Ash is special, he’s different from all other trainers. Of course I’ve always known that; his love for Pokémon is overwhelming, and it’s for that very reason that I can’t help but feel…that destiny has something big planned for Ash.

As each day passed…I grew even more worried; I knew I should be with Ash, he was somehow connected to that legend…I could feel it. Finally I decided that I wasn’t going to be able to help by staying at the Cerulean Gym; sticking my foot down once and for all I managed to convince my sisters to take over the gym. It was time for me to begin a new journey…but this time it wasn’t to become the world’s greatest water-Pokémon master, no this time it was about reaching Ash before the night of the Seven-Thousand and one anniversary of The Purifying Prince’s Legend.”

Feign
August 6th, 2009, 10:08 AM
Review time! :D My stuff is in red.

(Well people; I FINALLY managed to get my Prologue done for my upcoming Fanfic; its not as long as what I thought it was going to be; I had to shorten it right down actually; since it contained way too much info thats for the very first chapter. I can't really say that its one of the best prologue's I've ever written, but it'll do. The chapters will be way more interesting once I get the chance to put the first couple up. Just so you all know Misty is the one that is telling the Prologue.
Well it may not be my best works but I hope at least some of you will enjoy it; but I promise you the chapters will make it way better. ^^ So since this is my first upload here; pelase try to be nice; I know its not fantastic. xD I apologize that some of the text is slightly different in size; I don't even know why it did that but I have tried to fix it, its really weird. I'm not entirely sure if the rating should be PG of PG+13; but just in case I've set it on PG+13, thats as high as its going to go.)


The Legend Of The Purifying Prince
~Prologue~


"In the land of Pokémon, there echoes a legend.
A legend held dearly by the people of Purity Village that tells of a boy…




A boy who, existed over seven thousand years ago and brought an end to the war that had pushed the world and all human existence to its brink… (might want to format this line better with the previous stuff, to make it all the same size, as also it is related to the previous line. Also please do try to use black font only, it is much better for everyone (especially if people have different theme settings)


Done with the battles he once fought against the ruler of all Shadow Pokémon, the one whose heart had been so terribly tainted with darkness it had been said that it was completely impossible to purify. (the portion after my comma refers to the boy? It is just confusing with pronouns) The heart of Riyurai, the boy the legend speaks of was so pure, it held not one ounce of darkness in it whatsoever, the boy had a power hidden deep within him. This power did not stir until the very last moments, where it looked as if the entire human race was going to be brought to a shut down (might want to search for something better to say than the words in red, as what does it mean for the human race to be brought to a shut down?), it was in these heated moments of fierce battle that something happened. Time itself seemed to stand still; Riyurai entered a trance, a state where his entire being was surrounded with a blinding white light. It was so dazzling that every single Shadow Pokémon were forced to stop fighting and shield away their eyes.




One by one, each tainted heart was soon touched by the gentle light rays of this unknown power; it loosened the darkness that imprisoned each heart. The Pokémon that had suffered in the first place (redundant) were once again freed from the clutches of evil and even Chaos. The Shadow Lugia who had brought this war upon the world in the first place was touched by such warmth.


As Riyurai approached the struggling Shadow Lugia; their eyes met and it was in that short gaze that both knew that this war was over. With his hand glowing with a silvery, wispy white aura. Riyurai raised it and placed it upon the place where Chaos’s tainted heart resided…a light stronger than before over took the entire battle field. And all too soon the two figures that the light had mostly surrounded, had vanished.

Now no longer tainted by darkness, the once Shadow Pokémon were full of confusion on where Chaos and the boy known as Riyurai had gone too(Chaos is the name of the shadow Lugia?), it didn’t take long, however; before both humans and Pokemon realized that the young boy had sacrificed himself in order to restore peace. Such a kindness soon brought weeping in amongst them all, and they vowed to never again fight the way they did (it made it sound like that other wars were legitimized, so by taking this out, no wars are legitimized) ever again. It was in the honour of Riyurai; that the people of the traditional village known as Purity that this legend was written, and even today a statue of him can be viewed in that exact village. (might want to clarify on how or why the scultor knew what the boy looked like)


For over seven thousand years; Pokémon and humans remained true to that vow their ancestors had made all those years ago. But soon all that peace was going to be once again shattered. Nardia; the elder of Purity Village predicted that evil would again thrust its evil upon Pokémon and turn them once more into Shadowy forms of themselves. (why is he able to predict such a thing) It had been over seven thousand years, and even though this danger had been brewing the moment it ended (reader may need evidence of such, as it would seem that Shadow Lugia was the cause), there has been no sign of a another chosen one, that has the same pure heart. (do they go out to find the chosen one? How was the previous chosen one found?) Everyday that passes, the people of Purity village grow more and more anxious that another chosen one will not rise to meet the dangerous challenge that would once again determine the fate of the world. (With that last sentence, perhaps an explanation of how the chosen one is found etc, would help to clarify their current predicament)



The words spoken in the legend, as Nardia has told the villager’s over and over again, ”When light is once again swallowed by the darkness, it will be on the night of the seven-thousand and one anniversary of Riyurai’s disappearance that the purifying powers that has all been buried deep within the heart of another, will be stirred and awakened. And he, the reincarnation of Riyurai. the Purifying Prince, will rise to defend the world once more from history repeating itself.” (would history not repeat itself? Or is the guy letting on that the war can be stopped before it even begins?)

But alas, as time passed, the people of Purity Village have all but lost hope that The Purifying Prince has been reborn into another. If he does not reappear soon, then the world will be completely destroyed and so will the people who live within it.

*




It wasn’t until Professor Oak passed on this ancient legend to me out of curiosity, did I realize that maybe, just maybe I already knew who the Prince could possibly be. After all, even I could sense a change in the air, something was defiantly stirring somewhere and it wasn’t good. My separation from Ash had caused me to think back on all the times we had shared together, and it wasn’t until upon hearing that legend did it get me thinking. Over those few years that I travelled with Ash, I realized that all those chances, all those meetings with legendary Pokémon and him having some sort of connection with each and every one of them was no coincidence. Ash is special, he’s different from all other trainers. Of course I’ve always known that; his love for Pokémon is overwhelming, and it’s for that very reason that I can’t help but feel that that destiny has something big planned for Ash. (Misty and Brock have also thought Ash to be pretty reckless)

As each day passed, I grew even more worried. I knew I should be with Ash, he was somehow connected to that legend, I could feel it. (You did mention this already though) Finally I decided that I wasn’t going to be able to help by staying at the Cerulean Gym.

Sticking my foot down once and for all I managed to convince my sisters to take over the gym. It was time for me to begin a new journey, but this time it wasn’t to become the world’s greatest water Pokémon master, no this time it was about reaching Ash before the night of the Seven-Thousand and one anniversary of The Purifying Prince’s Legend.”





One thing I would like to suggest when editing, is reading it out loud (one can find mistakes better that way). Also because it is a fic, you do not need to center it, instead keep it to the left indentation. Also try to use elipses in a correct manner (usually for interupted ideas). Also do watch tense forms in general. Also you don't have to use the semi colon as much (I think I left one or two up there).

As for a general review, it is interesting that you chose Misty in the point of view. While I believe it can work, placing Ash as the chosen one might get to be a bit redundant. So you'll really have to work hard towards the reasoning as to why he is.

Other than that, I think you've managed to do pretty good, in conveying to the audience your intentions and so forth. So good luck! :)

Also, you might want to check out my fic, The Timeless Shadow, as it too has it's similarities to this fic (aside from using the cast of the anime). The link of which can be found in my sig.

Ash~The Purifying Prince~
August 6th, 2009, 03:10 PM
O.O wow I'm actually surprised of some of the mistakes up there that involve the full stops and commas; I typed all this up in Microsoft Word; normally it pin points out any mistakes; but ah well at least you were kind enough to take the time in pointing things out, so I appreciate that.

Oh don't worry, I'll find ways into making this work; I've started work on the other chapters already so I should have the first one up soon. I'll keep my eye out for over-use of some words as well next time. Thank you very much for youe advice; I'll go check out your fanfic I think, it sounds pretty interesting. ^^

Feign
August 6th, 2009, 03:31 PM
I find Microsoft word is good in finding spelling mistakes mostly. Whereas grammatical mistakes are much more difficult to contend with. But, I think if you use less ellipses and more commas, and less semi colons (only when necessary of course), than it should be fine.

cerulean15
August 7th, 2009, 07:25 PM
Semi colons should only be used if the two sentences have to do with the same subject really just like how you make a compound sentence with a comma and conjunction (and, but, or, yet, nor). And I have to agree with the Microsoft thing, mine does have a reason for never really picking up the biggest grammatical mistakes. I believe there is a way to turn it on though for mine usually does pick out if there's a run on, double negative, subject/verb confusion, ect. But I'm not quiet sure how to since I haven't tried in a while.

Overall, I really liked how you set up the story and its setting. Can't wait to see more on how it comes along

Ash~The Purifying Prince~
August 10th, 2009, 02:47 PM
(Well folks just to let those who have read the fic know; the first chapter should be up at least sometime later on today or tomorrow. So keep your eyes open; thanks to those who gave me advice and nice compliments. ^^)