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Emp395
August 6th, 2009, 10:06 AM
This is a prequel to a fanfic I made in Pokéfarm called Pokémon Crystal Island.

Prolog
Spencer was an only child with no Pokémon. He is 10-years-old and lives in Solaceon Town in Sinnoh. His family moves all the time and been to every region.

"Spencer! Time to come in." It was his mother. His parents were a very happy couple, and support Spencer whenever, but since Spencer's dad is always in business, the family moves whenever a big opportunity arrives. Spencer then came in but his parents had some news to tell him, His father then sat with him.

"Look son, you know how we're moving all the time. We're moving one more time. We're going to Cobalt Town, Crystal Island. I know it's hard to move, but I promise you, this is our last move. We're moving in one week.

"Spencer was in shock. "ONE WEEK! But I like Solaceon Town, I was starting to get used to it!"

"Look son, when we get there, once you get used to the place, you'll have no worries on leaving. Now go pack, remember, one week!" Spencer then went upstairs to his room and packed, he looked at his stuff.

"This place is small, but this is the place I loved the most, I'll never get used to a place like this." Although Spencer was friendless, he made bonded very well, with the Daycare Couple, he would always watch them take care others' Pokémon. He slept thinking of Solaceon Town.

To Be Continued

Please leave comments, what you think.

Astinus
August 6th, 2009, 12:01 PM
(Also this thread might end up getting closed for not meeting with the FF standards in this forum, of which can be found in the stickies).
Actually, since everything is spelled correctly (even Prolog) in OpenOffice, I'd say that this does meet the basic standards of PFF&P. It's not a script-fic. The grammar (with the exception of how to make a paragraph on a forum and one proof-reading mistake I found) is good. The only thing missing is more description to make it better, and that's something he can fix.

So I'm not going to close it, because it's obvious that Emp395 just needs some simple guidance on description, and a few other pointers.

Like, for instance: Emp395, to create a proper paragraph in your story, hit the Enter button twice. If you already knew this, and saw that your paragraphing was stripped when it was posted, then you should hit "Preview Post" before submitting the post to make sure that everything is all right.

I'll also add that you should include more narration between your dialogue. Describe what the characters look like a bit better, what they're doing, and how they're feeling. Kind of like what the last sentence of your prologue is.

But don't let this get you down, nor Feign's scare tactic. You're doing quite well for your age, and I hope you continue to post more.

Feign
August 6th, 2009, 12:07 PM
>.> I wasn't trying to scare anyone, I did say *might* too >.>

But like I said before I can still try to help. :)

Emp395
August 7th, 2009, 07:33 AM
Actually, since everything is spelled correctly (even Prolog) in OpenOffice, I'd say that this does meet the basic standards of PFF&P. It's not a script-fic. The grammar (with the exception of how to make a paragraph on a forum and one proof-reading mistake I found) is good. The only thing missing is more description to make it better, and that's something he can fix.

So I'm not going to close it, because it's obvious that Emp395 just needs some simple guidance on description, and a few other pointers.

Like, for instance: Emp395, to create a proper paragraph in your story, hit the Enter button twice. If you already knew this, and saw that your paragraphing was stripped when it was posted, then you should hit "Preview Post" before submitting the post to make sure that everything is all right.

I'll also add that you should include more narration between your dialogue. Describe what the characters look like a bit better, what they're doing, and how they're feeling. Kind of like what the last sentence of your prologue is.

But don't let this get you down, nor Feign's scare tactic. You're doing quite well for your age, and I hope you continue to post more.

Thanks, well, with your tips, I'll make this chapter better. BTW, this is not my first fanfic, this is a prequel to one, just thought I could point it out.

Chapter One: Trip to Cobalt Town

The day of the moving has come, it was dawn. Spencer was just finished packing his stuff. His room was full of boxes. He put his encyclopedia of Pokémon, a big bar of Moo Moo Chocolate, some and his PokéGear in his backpack for when he's on the ship. Spencer's mother then entered Spencer room.

"Spencer, I know how you like the Daycare Couple, so I got you this." In her hand was an egg, brown in color, with a curvy spot in the middle.

"A Pokémon Egg! Thanks mom!" Spencer held the egg very carefully, and put it down. He took out his encyclopedia and surfed through.

"Son, we're going now!" his dad called through the window. Spencer took the egg and his boxes with him, and went to the car. The went to Canalave City, where they will be riding on boat. A man wearing a sailor suit greeted the family.

"Aw, you must be the party going to Cobalt Town! Name's Eldritch, I will be your captain."
They then went into the ship. Spencer decided to be in the ship's cargo, to take care of his egg. Spencer decided to rest there, but suddenly the egg was glowing. Coming out was a Bidoof.

"Wow a Bidoof! I know we will be good friends! I'll name you Ben!" Spencer then looked through his bag and pulled out his Moo Moo Chocolate bar, and fed some to Ben. Spencer then saw that Ben was thirsty, and pulled out some Moo Moo Milk. Ben was tired so Spencer got his Poké Gear and played channel 7.5, where a lullaby played, Spencer tucked Ben in his sweater to keep him warm. When Spencer awoke, the ship reached Cobalt Town. He then picked up Ben, and carried him. "We're here Ben, here is your new home. Not much like Solaceon, but dad said I won't have to worry about moving again, let's make the best out of this, okay Ben." Ben then squeaked on agreeing.

To Be Continued

So how do you like that?

Vigilante
August 7th, 2009, 09:16 AM
This is better than the first chapter, but here is another tip.

Try describing things more, like how was the drive to Canalave? What was the sailor's suit like? Was it black, white, red, or orange and polka-dotted? Was the sailor big and hefty? Or was he small and scrawny? As a writer, you decide those things. He doesn't have to look anything like the ones in the games. I expected the boat ride to be longer, like explain how it was for him? Did he go up on deck and taste the salty air? Did he run around and cause mischief? The actions that you have character do help us define who they are.

Oh, and through the two chapters, you haven't managed to describe Spencer. What color hair does he have? How long is it? What kind of clothes does he wear? Is he white, black; pale or tan? Tall, or short? Chubby, or slim?

You writing is good, better than tons of kids your age. Just keep at it.