View Full Version : Pokemon: The Flarex Story

August 7th, 2009, 1:07 PM
Well.... I'm not sure what age rating to give this, but I can tell you that the story will be rather violent, and will have mature moments... but yeah, you get the point, if you don't like the story, don't read it. If you do, give criticism.

Prologue- The 'Dream'

The Village of Saffron, Kanto Region, 23:30

Saffron Village was shrouded in darkness. It was half an hour before midnight, and midnight was not a good time for people to be awake at Saffron. The village was said to be haunted by a dark and sinister being, unknown if it was Pokemon or another form of life. Yet at the exits to Saffron, ten shepherds were struggling to get the Mareep herds back to their pens. All night the Mareep had been constantly running about and inoring the shepherds, but soon, there would be no Mareep or Shepherd around.

The shepherds were getting tired, when there was a flash from the hilltop nearby. Two of the shepherds saw it, and ignored it, thinking it was probably just a Pokemon using Flash, though it was rather annoying. A few minutes later, it was closer and brighter.
"Hey, Li, did you see that?" One of the shepherds said to another nearby.
"Yeah, but it was probably just another Pokemon using Flash, but at this time of night... Hey, Sol, go check the hills. There seems to be a Pokemon signalling to us." Li said to a young shepherd. Sol, who was very respectful of his elders, agreed to go. He walked towards the hills, and soon was out of sight.

It had been almost an hour. Sol hadn't returned and the others were suspicious. Another man had left about ten minutes ago, and another before him by twenty minutes. The Flash was now a permanent light and was still moving closer towards the group. Li was anxious. Sol should have returned and Cal, the second shepherd to go was known to be quick. He wasn't back either. Li decided that he would leave the Mareep tonight.
"Everyone, we need to go and look for the others. But we can wait for a few more minutes. Kai should be back by then. The flash is getting closer, meaning they will be quicker. Maybe the flash is a villager who was lost. We don't know. We need to wait." the others all nodded their heads in agreement. So they waited. The Mareep were lured in by the flash, and slowly were going towards it. Shortly after the first Mareep left, there was a spine-chilling scream. It echoed through the hills. It was Kai. Li jumped to his feet, panicking. He looked around at the other shepherds. Many had turned very pale, and one had fainted. Li knew what had happened. Kai had been killed. He had heard of many rumours of similiar incidents in other regions and many tended to be in hilly or mountainous areas. Like here. Li knew what he had to do. He had to defend himself, and just himself. He turned to the flash, which was near him. He looked into the flash. As he did, he felt faint and saw something. It shot out and it him in the gut. He felt the area around his stomach. Nothing. Blood poured out of his stomach and mouth as the thing leered over him to finish him. A huge red light flashed in front of him. Li felt nothing, apart from an immense pain in his head. His eyes closed as the creature swung. The hand swung round, glowing red. It was about to strike-
"WAAAAHHHH! Urgh.... The dream...Again...What does it mean?" Said a 14 year-old boy. He was sitting in his bed. he was pale and sweating. He had the same Dream again. But yet again, Tyler Flarex asked himself the same question.
"What does it mean?"

August 7th, 2009, 9:32 PM
I found it a bit of an awkward introduction to the shepherds in the 3rd sentence, but I did like the mood and setting openers.

The shepherds were getting tired, when there was a flash from the hilltop nearby.

This sentence is awkward as well, it sounds as though the shepherds were getting tired when the flash occurred.

The paragraphs too, with the flash seem to be awkward. I am having a hard time associating with time, and movement.

If I may suggest, perhaps like a horror story, you could lead on to the flash as getting closer, in a heart bear fashion. Like that it seems to be getting closer (Edgar Allen Poe was good at this).

Also remember to space your paragraphs properly (such as one pargraph per quotation by one character, err I hope that made sense).

August 9th, 2009, 7:46 AM
Thanks for the advice, I'll keep it in mind.