View Full Version : Pokemon: Rocket Revival
August 8th, 2009, 5:37 PM
I am re-starting this story in a new thread. If a MOD could please delete this thread I would appreciate it.
Here's the link to the new thread
Shadows of the Past
August 9th, 2009, 12:58 AM
This is cool..i like how you arrange the story...
anyway a suggestion here,can you like increase the font sixe by one and leave a space after each paragraph..it will be easier to read..xD
August 9th, 2009, 9:37 PM
I would just like to say that it looks like a pretty good start. =)
August 10th, 2009, 6:23 PM
Hmm, not bad. It's a pretty standard first-chapter setup for Trainerfics; character wakes up, character is reminded by parent that it's The Big Day, character goes to Professor, and so on and so forth. However, the one thing that bugged me is this: Why did you make Aaron have a Pichu? It's not among the strongest Pokemon in the world, nor does it come from Kanto. And if Oak happened to import it from another region or something, how come he gave it to some fledgling Trainer who may or may not care for it correctly? At least give a reason why Professor Oak would give such a non-standard Pokemon to Aaron.
I didn't find too many errors in this, except for one recurring problem: you're getting homonyms mixed up. Now, the definition of homonym is 'a word the same as another in sound and spelling but different in meaning, as chase “to pursue” and chase “to ornament metal.”' Become accustomed to the different forms of your and other words, and make sure to use the right one.
...Also, don't abbreviate words and add a ' if they're slang - such as 'Ok' should be 'okay', 'yea' should be 'yeah', and 'hangin' should be 'hangin' '.
August 12th, 2009, 4:10 PM
Excellent job! I just found some errors and mistakes that I'd like to point out. :)
Aaron awoke to the sound of his alarm clock. It buzzed with annoying frequency until he slammed the top of it with his right hand. Silence upheld in the room until Aaron’s mom shouted from downstairs. I like that description =DDDDD Excellente!!
"No your not. Not yet anyways."
Your needs to be changed to you're.
. But he didn't dawdle on the idea, and pushed himself forward knowing he received his first partner soon. Instead of received, it should be would receive since he hasn't necessarily received his first Pokemon yet, but he's about to.
Aaron pushed opened the double doors to the famous Oak Labratory and walked inside.It should be Laboratory instead of Labratory.
A few assistants wondered here and there, cramming books into the many bookshelves that lined the walls.I believe you meant wandered since they're roaming around the room and cramming books.
“I see you have no pokemon yet, Aaron. Plodding behind me as usual, I guess. Your pokemon will probably be weak anyways." Jerry smirked at his last remark. "Well, I’ll smell ya' later. Don’t wanna be behind because I’m hangin' with some loser! Ha! Well, see ya' Aaron!”He oddly reminds me of the game enemy...Huh...He even has the same catchphrase...
Well, suggestion-wise, I think the antagonists/enemies/rivals in the Pokemon series are extremely similar, and I must recommend changing him to something else. Must all rivals be arrogant? Bleh xP Sorry. That was just my mini-rant/complaint. Forgive me. This story is sounding similar to the game.
“So, are you ready for your pokemon, Aaron? Or are you just going to stand their looking kind of goony?" Pssh. Well then :P Oak, you have quite the vocabulary. Goony. Haha xD I prefer the word goober. It's fun to say :3
He handed them to Aaron. “That’s a high-tech encyclopedia. It has data on most of the pokemon out their.”That is incorrect usage of the word their. It should be there.
Pushing in it’s release button, a beautiful white light sprayed out of the ball, quickly forming into a red, puppy type pokemon.It's should be its.
I don't mean to be a bother when saying this, but I thought Poke Balls shot out a red light instead of a white one. Just a little something to think about...And puppy type? I think you should describe its features. That way there would be more clarification. I would appreciate it better if you described its ears, its fur, etc. Sorry if I'm being so demanding or something Dx
He looked at Professor Oak in question.This is just a suggestion, but maybe instead of in question, it could be changed to questionably. It would make more sense =DDDDD
The machine responded by saying "Growlithe" and then giving a description of it.I wonder what the description was o.o You don't have to, but I must suggest putting the description in the story. It'd be for better clarification.
"So your Growlithe, huh?"Should be you're.
Growlithe responded by climbing on to Aaron's arm and snuggling up against his stomach.That must've been a light Growlithe. Dang! I wish my dog would climb up onto my arm >.> I would recommend putting something else, like snuggling against his leg or something. Just a suggestion.
Anyway, I liked some of the description you put in there, but I wanna know what Aaron's feeling, seeing, smelling, etc. It'd be nice to read about =DDDDD That way we could paint a picture in our heads. You've got a good story coming along, but please don't make it just like the game. Put some more originality into it. Anyway, I'm looking forward to reading more! You are very talented! =DDDDDD
August 15th, 2009, 6:17 PM
Aaron awoke to the sound of his alarm clock. It buzzed with an annoying frequency until he slammed its top with his right fist. Silence upheld in the room until Aaron's mom suddenly shouted from downstairs.
This is only a personal opinion of mine. There is nothing technically wrong with your paragraph. The phrase just sounds a lot smoother when you add the 'an'. And saying 'its top' would be shorter and less awkward than saying 'the top of it'. When you slam things, it's normally with your fist, not your hand, right? The 'suddenly' just makes the sentence sound better in my opinion.
“Aaron! Time to get up, sweetie! Don’t want to be late for your big day!”
I think there should be a comma there.
"No you're not. Not yet anyways." Aaron’s mom, a thin woman with light brown hair and pale skin, walked around the house grabbing things he would need for his journey.
You mixed up 'woman' with its plural form, 'women'. Also, about that bit in bold: it sounds weird, as if his mom just started randomly walking around the entire house grabbing things. Maybe you should phrase it like this:
Aaron's mom, a thin woman with light brown hair and pale skin, started walking around, picking up things he would need for his journey.
For starters, 'picking up' sounds a lot more elegant than 'grabbing'. And by seperating the phrase with commas, I think it makes it sound less choppy.
Moments later, she stood before him, giving him the items to place in his bag. Once all the items were shoved in the bag, she looked at him with worry and love. She stroked his dark brown hair while saying, “You be careful now, you hear me?” Aaron nodded, shrugging off the worry.
You need a comma after 'she stood before him'. And you're repeating 'items'. You should probably replace it with 'objects' or 'things' or whatever you want. You're also repeating 'the bag'. In this case, I don't think it's completely necessary, so you can just take it off. There should also be a comma after 'Aaron nodded'.
“I know, mom. If someone beats me in a battle, then I give them the correct amount of money, and if-”
I think there should be a comma after 'I know' and one after 'a battle'. It would also be best if you added 'I' in between.
“I know you know all that, Aaron. I mean you be careful. I worry about you, you know?”
“I know, mom….”
A comma after 'I know'.
Aaron pushed opened the double doors to the famous Oak Laboratory and walked inside. A few assistants wandered here and there, cramming books into the many bookshelves that lined the walls. Glancing around, he spotted Professor Oak on the far end and started to walk towards him, but was stopped when his arch nemesis, Jerry Pasaroni, blocked his path.
You used 'pushed' at the end of your last paragraph, so it sounds a bit like you're repeating. It's weird that Jerry just blocked his path like that. The reader had no idea he was there, so it would be better if you said, 'Jerry Pasaroni, suddenly appeared and blocked his path'. Like that the readers know his appearance was sudden.
“I see you have no pokemon yet, Aaron. Plodding behind me as usual, I guess. Your pokemon will probably be weak anyways." Jerry smirked at his last remark. "Well, I’ll smell ya' later. Don’t wanna be behind because I’m hangin' with some loser! Ha! Well, see ya' Aaron!”
Gary says those sentences in the games, right? I'm not very sure, but it feels a bit like you're copying him.
“Whenever your ready, there on the table is your own pokemon.” Oak smiled at Aaron, then turned around grabbing a pokedex and some pokeballs. “And these are pokeballs and a nifty contraption I invented.” He handed them to Aaron. “That’s a high-tech encyclopedia. It has data on most of the pokemon out there.”
That should be 'you're'.
Aaron nodded in thanks and turned to the pokeball. He approached it, slowly taking a deep breath of fresh air: This is what he'd been waiting for; his own pokemon, finally!
There should be a comma after 'he approached it'. Fresh air? Isn't he inside? And I think ';' should be ':'.
It's ears perked up in curiosity at the first sign of it's master. Curving it's head downwards, Growlithe licked the cream colored fluff on top of it's head, belly, and tail. The black stripes on it's back wrinkled together as it barked softly and jumped down from the table. Aaron looked at Professor Oak questionably.
All of those should be spelled 'its'. 'It's' is a short way of saying 'It is' and 'Its' is possessive.
Growlithe responded by barking again and then snuggling up to Aaron's leg. Oak smiled again, it reminding him of when he got his first pokemon.
The 'to' is unecessary. I think. And there should probably be an 'it' there.
Okay, this is my overall review:
Your description is very good. Your spelling and grammar are most of the time correct, but it seems you mix up 'your' and 'you're' and 'its' and 'it's' often. Sometimes, your sentences are a bit choppy, like in the beginning. In those cases you should add or change words so that when you read it it sounds smooth and goes with the flow. The story is moving a teensy bit too fast, but since this is the boring first chapter I guess it's okay.
Sorry if my review is a bit strict or if I sounded harsh.