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ThornPython4
August 11th, 2009, 02:58 PM
Seviper & Arbok: A True Love Story

It was the eve of the equinox all across Sinnoh, and pokemon of all sizes, types, and colours were paired off with a special partner. The equinox was when the seasons change winter into spring, and also beginning the breeding season for many pokemon species. A male Seviper named Blade slithered out of an Oran berry bush. There was a group of female Sevipers talking and eating a bunch of Mago berries over near the watering hole. He casually slithered up to the nearest one and began reciting a love poem.
“May I compare thee to a summer’s brilliance and beauty, how amazingly beautiful you are, and how I wish to be your partner.”
The group of female Sevipers laughed and the one Seviper he was saying this to, lifted her tail up and a drop of poison oozed from the tip. She took one, long swipe and struck him in the chest.
“Sorry, I don’t like poetry much at all.” She grinned and turned away.
Blade felt a hurtful pain in his chest, and he realized he had been poisoned by the female Seviper’s tail.
Dang, she must’ve used Poison Jab
He got back up and slithered away, with his head down.
**
Blade slithered up to another Seviper with its back turned away and began to recite the same poem he did earlier. The Seviper turned around and had a very angry and disgusted look on its face. Blade soon realized this was not a female Seviper, and he slithered away quickly, with the other in close pursuit. Blade turned sharply to his right and continued down a path swarmed by Scythers and Scizors. The path was also covered with plants and vines. Blade’s tail caught on a hanging vine that sent him tumbling down a rocky hillside, rolling into a ball and bouncing off rocks and indents in the ground. Blade slammed hard into a log and fell off the edge of a small cliff. He yelled in fear and held his breath as he was just seconds from crashing into the hard soil.
A female Arbok named Emera slithered out of a Cheri berry bush, searching for lunch. She jumped and whirled her head around as she heard Blade shouting from behind her. She tried to get out of the way, but Blade slammed right into her, getting them both in a tangle. They continued to roll together across a muddy field, getting covered in the wet, sticky mud and splashing face first into a small pond.
Blade panted and swam to the shore, he saw the female Arbok having a bit of trouble getting up, so he swam to her and helped pry her tail out from a rock. He wrapped his tail around her and they both swam to the shore. Emera looked Blade in the eyes, also panting. Blade felt his heart sink as he looked back into hers. Emera’s eyes shaped into an angry look and she snarled. Thrashing her tail wildly she attempted to whip at Blade with her tail. Blade yelped as she slashed him in the side and he dove under the water. Emera gave up and turned away. Blade re-emerged from the water and slithered over to her.
“Why did you slash me?” He asked.
“Because, you slammed into me and scared off my lunch!” She growled and tried to use poison fang on him, but he was too fast and tightened his body around her, and forced her to look at him.
“I meant no harm, and I fell down that hill, I had no control, if I did I swear I never would’ve hit you.”
Emera seemed to feel foolish now for exploding and hung her head in shame.
“I’m very sorry; I thought you did it on purpose.”
“The fault is mine; I really should’ve made sure that Seviper back there was a female before reciting poetry.” Blade winced at the thought. Emera stared at him with wide eyes and burst into laughter.
“You did eh? You know poetry? May I hear a bit, please?” She looked at him with sparkling eyes, which made him close his eyes half way and sigh in adoring love. Clearing his throat he began to recite a different verse to his poem.
“I compare thee to the sun’s rays of beauty, so very elegant and glamorous, and I so wish you were mine.”
Emera realized he was talking about her and she felt tears swell in her eyes, making her cheeks flush. He felt his cheeks blush at the sight of her beautiful eyes looking so very deep into his. Emera leaned forward and rested her head beside his, closing her eyes. Blade felt his heart ache as he realized he was in love. Blade cradled Emera in his embrace for several moments, really enjoying her company. Emera lifted her head up and looked at Blade.
“This may be silly of me to ask, being a girl and all…” She looked away, trying to find the right words.
“No no, take your time.” He smiled.
“Um, would you be my partner? I just feel so much love for you, it’s crazy, and I want to be with you.” A tear sparkled as it rolled down her cheek. Blade used his tail and wiped the tear away, making Emera smile.
“I was about to ask the same thing, and I would love to be your partner, and I also want to be with you.”
Emera started to cry softly and Blade wondered why she was.
“Why are you crying, my sweet?” He asked.
“Because…every guy that I’ve come across that I liked either rejected me, or laughed and walked away,” she started to sob more.
“Oh, I can’t understand why…you are incredibly beautiful, very adorable, and you are extremely cute…” He blushed again. Emera looked at him and stopped crying immediately.
“It makes me very happy to hear someone say that, thank you.”
“Anytime, my love.” He wrapped his tail around to the back of her head gently and pulled her close, holding her as she calmed down. Emera thought about something for a moment, and pulled her head back to look at him.
“Would you like to go with me up to Mount Cornet and gaze at the stars and moon?” She asked, smiling.
“I would love to.”
**
They sat side by side, looking up at the constellations around the elegant moon. Emera pointed out the Machoke and Seviper wrestling constellation, and Blade showed Emera the one for Ursa Major and minor which were shaped as a Teddiursa and Ursaring. They enjoyed looking at the face of the pale moon, watching it glow with immense strength in the night sky. Blade and Emera cuddled together for hours, talking quietly about their lives and loving each others company. Emera shot a quick look at the moon, Blade did the same, and they caught a glimpse of a giant green pokemon. It soared up into the center of the full moon and roared into the air. It looked back at Emera and Blade and turned to the right. Drawing in energy, a ball of blue and pink light grew in its hands. Forcing the ball of energy into the sky, it created a heart-shaped image and shot five fireballs around it and they started to circle around the heart like a bunch of electrons on an atom. Pleased, the green pokemon did a joyful back flip in the sky and soared off into oblivion.
Blade and Emera gave each other a very affectionate look and hugged each other tightly, exchanging the three most powerful words in the universe.

I love you.

They stayed wrapped in each others embrace for the whole night, falling asleep side by side.
**
Their love is truly strong, and this story is to show that no matter who you are, there will always be someone out there to love and care for you. So be proud of who you are and never stop believing in yourself!

The End!

xXI JOE IXx
August 11th, 2009, 04:10 PM
This was realy nice, I look at sevipers in a different way now lol! It makes me want to see what happens if I put a seviper and Arbok in the day care haha!

Vigilante
August 11th, 2009, 04:12 PM
The centered text was somewhat annoying, fix?

Also:
“I was about to ask the same thing, and I would love to be your partner, and I also want to be with you.”
That sentence it redundant. I want to be your partner and I also want to be with you, both state the same thing. So yeah.

DakeDesu
August 11th, 2009, 04:45 PM
Heh, well, this does serve as escape fiction. So it largely has literary value in that direction... not a direction I really care for.

However it does not really have any realistic character development (apart from the equivalent to love at first sight). Nor does it really work to show any method of human/pokemon spirit or nature... well apart from the, "no matter what, you'll find love". However at the best it does a very poor job of conveying it.

I will note, oddly enough, despite not being a tragedy, it does oddly follow the tragedy climactic model. That is, in certain literary fiction, mostly tragedy, generally the entire plot and outcome is pretty much decided about halfway through. The only further thing to do, is ride out the plot further.

This appears to be, at best a feel good story of the harlequin nature. Some may enjoy it... but I personally didn't care much for it.

Mind you, I haven't really contributed anything near better.

ThornPython4
August 12th, 2009, 08:50 AM
I expected some better Comments...Ouch...

Kaisuki
August 14th, 2009, 07:52 PM
Ok, get real. If you didn't like this story, why'd you bother posting a response? If you obviously didn't like this story, there's no need to try to put in some criticism because you don't like it. It is more like a cute little short-story. In Children's little books of short-stories, is there complicated words that explain theirselves and the people's nature? This is a simple story about two Pokemon falling in love. Not all about Seviper and all about Arbok and all about Love. If you are to say that if it was to be improved, you'd enjoy it better but if you didn't like it maybe the criticism you give isn't exactly what this story needs. I hope this wasn't rude, if it was, I'm sorry. I'm just trying to protect the person's story and morale.

****
Back on topic, I really thought this was a cute story and I thought Arboks for Arboks and Sevipers for Sevipers. :D Even though one wouldn't call it exactly a major story, I can't find anything else in it that would require improvement except you mispelled...

“Would you like to go with me up to MountCornetand gaze at the stars and moon?” She asked, smiling.

It's Mount Coronet.

Other then that, it was a pretty nice story. :)

Astinus
August 14th, 2009, 08:37 PM
Ok, get real. If you didn't like this story, why'd you bother posting a response? If you obviously didn't like this story, there's no need to try to put in some criticism because you don't like it. If you are to say that if it was to be improved, you'd enjoy it better but if you didn't like it maybe the criticism you give isn't exactly what this story needs. I hope this wasn't rude, if it was, I'm sorry. I'm just trying to protect the person's story and morale.
lolwut?

The moral and story of the OP's fic is still in place, even if she follows the constructive criticism she received. People posted ways that she could improve her story to make it better. They found some ways that her story didn't meet whatever expectations they had, or that it had a few holes, and helped her with ways that she could improve her story.

If they didn't tell her what they didn't like and how to improve, she would never (or be slowed down maybe) getting better at writing. When she posted her story, she should know that here at PFF&P, not everyone is going to enjoy every part of a person's story. But also, we try to help the author improve to get better.

So ThornPython4, I hope that you weren't discouraged from writing and further posting here, but you take the comments left by DakeDesu and Meneur d'enfer as reviews that will help you grow as a writer. Same with the reviews that praised your story and told you what they liked about it.

I would review your story but the centered and small text is bothersome to me right now. I might pop back in later if you fix at least the centering.

Misheard Whisper
August 14th, 2009, 08:40 PM
Ok, get real. If you didn't like this story, why'd you bother posting a response? If you obviously didn't like this story, there's no need to try to put in some criticism because you don't like it. It is more like a cute little short-story.


Actually, no. Just because a reviewer doesn't like a story, it doesn't mean they shouldn't review. If anything, they should, because it helps the author more.

I'm going to say here that I'm not personally fond of this kind of story, and this was no exception. One problem I noticed was that some of your sentences seem a little awkward. I can't pinpoint it, but I recommend reading over your fic a couple more times before posting. Sorry if I'm vague, I'm still in Spanish/English translating mode . . .

Oh, and this?
I expected some better Comments...Ouch... You can't whine about not getting good reviews. For one thing, you clearly didn't listen to your reviewers, which just tells us you think you're right about everything. Meneur d'enfer pointed out an error in your story. Not only did you not change it, you didn't provide an explanation for why you didn't change it, which is common fanfiction etiquette.

For another thing, the fact you get some bad reviews is only a sign that there is room for improvement. So take that on board and try to be a better writer. Everyone has the ability to become better.

And like Meneur d'enfer, I highly recommend that you change the font size, as it is currently terribly difficult to read.