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beauty. proletariat
August 13th, 2009, 05:45 AM
[css-div=width:400px]This is a thread for me to update my poems. Currently I'm focusing on Sonnets. I'm keeping it rated [M 15+] due to themes and language.

Cr--, I fell asleep... Again! [SONNET] [F]

Umm I would write a poem now
Of your beauty and your radiant glow
But I'm just blank and amiss somehow
So I'll just keep this rythmn and this flow

I fell asleep last night at twelve
But you were there trying to talk
I wake up now with a regretful delve
I feel so sh--, I'm such a stupid dorkk!

Last night I had so much to say
But now i've lost and forgotten it
Oh my head feels like a bundle of hay
Caus I've lost my chance and now my teeth grit

Damn I couldn't keep my so called rythmn
But I think my regret was seen in your vision

I wrote this sonnet after falling asleep on my girlfriend on MSN on the computer as an apology; It has no punctuation, and is colloquial, but it follors iabic pentameter and follows correct rhyme in an australian accent. Its written as a monologue though I think it doesnt work that well.


Lies with Juliet [SONNET]
A fire burns strong in the crackling thunder,
He weeps through the pain on the cold floor,
Her impulse words hurt and he's left there to ponder,
A smoke of lightning crackles heavens door.

She rings his phone, now deep in the water,
His pain is held back, the knife is elected,
His time is up, as it stops the blade with a shiver,
The water breaks in, call rejected.

He arrives on the front door, he will escort her,
This girl smiles slightly, he will make her first.
Fumes threaten a dead man, in the silent winter,
The wraith, revolted, under blood thirst.

Heartbroken cupid, packs away his bow and arrow,
Love, left rotten... Under Romeo's barrow.

This sonnet was written when I was feeling depressed due to some changes in social life my girlfriend was having, leaving me feeling alone. Some of the things, I actually thought seriously... Dont Judge me. Also, theres an interesting use of symbolism I realised later on. Again, this sonnet follows iambic pentameter and rhyme. Its told as a story and rhymes in an australian accent.


Fall [FREEFORM] [F]
The ripened falcate
Sways a lonely sway
Chilling winds soar down upon his figure
Gravity. Force.
Mother nature pressing her thin lips
Goodbye.
Waves to her children and allows
them to fall
Crying, The baby leaf cries
Chlorophyll flowing, tears melting
Dependant.
This lone falcate.
Now brittle, old and brown.
Is fading into his earth
Sedentary.
He fades into the seasons.
Fading. Waiting.
Waiting. Waiting.
Waiting for the next fall.

This poem was written a long time ago for my girlfriend. I was simply trying to write it for her enjoyment, but it later on shaped into something that has a double meaning.

Fluctuates [SONNET] [F]
I Rowen look upon my Birch,
And watch her gazing at my chest.
There lies a heart where promise perch;
Where lovers cried as they confess't.

Her sway holds still, her indignant rest,
Even in sleep, she flaunts her love.
Tanned arms branched out; I'll be her guest,
O' as I reach, fall pulls her glove.

In search of love, a man will rove:
My heart is weak, faulty in search,
For I look blindly past the cove
where fertile trees lie-- and hide their smirch.

Fated with a deadly curse,
My love for Birch-- fluctuates like soviet verse.

I wrote this sonnet during english class and finished it at home. I see it as the first poem I've written where ideas aren't all over the place. This was written as a sensperian sonnet.

With you [SONNET] [F]
My love my heart is still with you,
And your's is still all mine, my boo :)
I know you're mulling over still,
babe. I love you, you're like my pill.

I know that you and I are changing,
But change does not mean change in heart.
My heart for you, its thumping, beating,
Like something else, an external body part ;)

Honesty we need... Again i'll mention,
I promise ill try till my bones will soften,
But it is hard because youre so busy so often...
One day we'll work together on this tension.

Shiz baby I'm so lame that ill say it again. I love you;
but I swear everything I've said today is completely true.

I wrote this sonnet for my beloved for her to read after a huggeee monologue I sent to her. Its set to be childish and i love it :) In terms of structure... I purposely made it aabb cdcd eeee ff. dont ask me why

Dross effusion [SONNET]
Lost, and I just feel so insane,
This mental structure, it's broken.
Broken... This heart has only ever felt pain,
Its sustained with this dross effusion.

I feel the hurt you healed for me;
It's like a wrongly tied shoelace,
The knot that holds my heart, set free.
My blood is littering this pretty place.

The wound's so deep though it wont hurt,
Endorphins keep the pain as numb.
Blades and drugs... my only comfort,
But I drop this knife because I hate what I've become.

I realise as I watch my blood flow--
I said you stole my heart-- but now I know...

I'm currently having really really bad problems with my beloved and currently its at what I call a calculated breakup. I wrote the first stanza two days ago, and wrote the rest of the poem yesterday, hence the change in pace, rythmn. I think I'm starting to prefer abab cdcd efef gg over aabb ccdd eeff gg in sonnets as it sounds so much better. I would stick with abab bcbc cdcd ee (sensperian), but I end up ruining the poem when I focus so much in its structure. When I'm feeling bad I tend to think in a 'sharp' manner. When I'm with friends, I automatically turn into someone much more rythmic and happy. The first quatraint was written listening to Broken - Good Charlotte and the rest of the poem was written with my besties. If you guys are reading this, love you guys :)

KEY
[F] - Final copy (Poem will not be changed. This generally applies to all poems written for my beloved.)
[SONNET] - I call any poem with three quatraints and a rhyming couplet, a sonnet.
[FREEFORM] - A poem that does not follow most conventions.

Other information
Also, I do not wish to be rude, but I find that accents play a large role in reading poetry. Especially for Sonnets using Iambs. I'm not blaming my accent for my poetry (:P) Just stating that it does rhyme in my context.

I am slowly getting back into poetry but I have alot of stress in my relationship at the moment so I may not update too frequently. Please note that I have not written these poems for your use, but instead enjoyment. I do not mind if you change it and give it to a parner or friend, but for educational purposes (such as school homework), poetry is not yours to use. No matter how much you change it, unless it has been changed by more than 80% (this generally means that you used ideas from the poems) you cannot use them for educational purposes. Anyone that comes across this page and would like to use these poems, please PM me to gain consent. I will not say no, but I do want to have an idea where it is going if it is going anywhere. Miraj Bhattarai 2008-2009 ©

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abnegation
August 13th, 2009, 02:03 PM
Okay I would usually break down the poems bit by bit but I think I'll just take your writing style in general from what I've read. Your first poem is almost like tired drivel. I've been in that situation many many times where I would drift to sleep and my mind would just start rhyming. The next morning I might have some lines written down or perhaps memorised. But what I will say is. You seemed to just write drivel here and publish without fixing it up a bit. So what I will suggest is when this happens don't just leave as is because it was what you felt at the time. Remember poetry is a piece of work and you don't always need to just keep everything as it was written. I make plenty of drafts before I'm happy with something. So I would advise making your first one a draft as it seems to have a few odd lines and some stuff that can be taken out. Also try not to abbreviate to much, what I mean is, when you said "Cause" you should always say because regardless, remember that poetry is all about the words you use to describe an emotion, event, person, place or thing. That is effectively what poetry is. So what is your biggest concern in poetry? The words you use, always try to use the best ones you can. I think you'll agree with me that some of the words you mentioned in the first poem weren't very poetic. I know you've said this isn't your best work but I still think you should scrap some of it. For example, cursing in poetry is unnecessary, and I'll tell you why, the best way I can explain it and what I've always said is that it is almost like cheating due to the fact that you are trying to display your anger or repute using a foul word rather than actually sitting down and thinking of how you could express this particular feeling. I'll tell you an experience I had when I started writing poetry, I just could not display a way of showing anger in a poem. So what I did was I practiced bad read other poetry about anger and got more of a poetic sense of how things would be put into words. So I decided I would try write a small poem about anger. So I did. It grew and eventually I came up with this.
This ill temper I have is making me mad
I blow up and I don’t know why
I wish for just a moment I could handle my anger right
I wish for just a moment I could love you right
I wish my attitude would just go away
I wish my anger would stay at bay
This outlook I have on life needs to change
This outlook I have you needs to say the same
I love you deep down inside
I wish you would see
That you’re the only princess for me

The anger I have deep in side
Comes out when I least expect it
This anger I have in me should just go away
This anger I have is an annoyance
This anger I have has messed my life up
This anger I have is stupid
Anger you have messed up my love for you
Anger you have messed up my life
Anger you have destroyed who I am inside and out
Anger you are the devil
Anger you are all that is bad
This anger I have in me has made me fight
A fight that was not worth it

Anger you made me hit the wrong person
Anger you made me do the wrong things
Anger you are the feeling that I would never miss
Anger you have caused me so much sorrow
Anger you have caused nothing but grief.
Anger just go away

See? I used to be terrible at describing anger until I decided to work on it and practice a little. You should sometimes keep an archive of drivel you write when you are asleep. Often it tends to be very good or mindless drivel that makes sense. So you should maybe work on that a little bit.

Now onto your second poem.
Never blame your accent in poetry. Just because your accent shouldn't be involved in words on paper. However I do understand that you say poems allowed but try think of the other readers. Always remember that the feeling an words come from the heart first and then they come from your mouth. So keep the wording universal. This was a little better but needing some work.
A fire burns strong in the crackling thunder
This line was almost amazing. the use of crackling describing fire is always nice. However I don't believe I've ever heard crackling thunder. thunder gives of a roar and crackling is like quick sharp noises and hasn't much relevance to the sound of thunder I'm afraid. But it was a good concept. You have some nice descriptive writing but you need to work on flow. Your flow sometimes lacks consistency and power. I find myself stopping while reading and I find the lines don't run in together too well. Hmm other than that it is okay I mean you need a little practice. I'll avoid writing too much on this seeing as in you will upload more.

beauty. proletariat
October 9th, 2009, 05:19 PM
I'm back with new poems and stuff :) Feel free to critique (Y)