View Full Version : Devil Hunting for Dummies.(Rated....we'll say R).

Artemis Enzeru
August 13th, 2009, 7:33 AM
Days of playing Devil May Cry 4 have led up to this. This is what this has culminated in, FINALLY.

Devil Hunting For Dummies:A guide by Dante Sparda

My name is Dante Sparda, and thank you for reading Devil Hunting for Dummies! As most of you know, I started hunting demons in Devil May Cry 3, since my games can't follow a consistent timeline to save my life. I was young, I was cool, and I had a man-bra. For all you new Devil Hunters out there, here are some helpful tips!

Tip Number 1:Expect To Get Impaled. A LOT.

Some people think that demon hunting is an easy job. You hunt some demons, you chill, and you eat pizza. This is not the case. If you decide to enter this profession, you're going to get sharp objects lodged through your stomach. Be it by a demon or white haired pretty boy katana wannabes(read:my brother), a sharp object through the stomach will be almost a daily occurence. Sometimes if your opponent is a total douchebag, they might impale you with your own sword. This has happened to me 3 times in my career. Apparently, the developers have a cruel sense of irony.

In my defense, one of the times was by a girl who resembled my mother because Capcom couldn't be more creative.

Don't worry, though. If you're a half-demon with a fetish for red leather trenchcoats, you're only gonna look that much cooler when you pull the sword out like nothing happened.

If you're a human(and possibly Steve from accounting), you might want to invest in some bandages. Assuming you don't die instantly, that is.

Tip Number 2:Be Wary of Hot Girls.

For all the feminists out there, don't fret. Girls do this job too. It just so happens they're actually quite proficient in it.

If you're like me and feels the need to try and get in their pants, be advised of one thing; you might be getting an ass kicking.

You haven't seen a hot girl until you've seen a hot girl that can take a motorcycle, and toss it at your head.

Also, if a girl with a giant rocket launcher on her back points a gun at your head, as hot as she may be,DO NOT hit on her. She might just ventilate your forehead.

If you just happen to run into a succubus, don't hit that. It might just be the last thing you ever do. Instead, beat the living crap out of her(preferably with demonic nunchaku),and then turn her into a guitar. Sure, you can't reach third base with her, but NOW you can get groupies! Dozens and dozens of groupies! BWAHAHAHAHA!


Clowns are already creepy as it is. Why do you think you've never seen me go into a McDonald's? No, it's not just because I live in the middle of nowhere. Why the hell would you think that?

It's because the last clown I dealt with tried to open a gateway to Hell, become my father, and ended up turning into a giant blue turd who tried to go Hentai on me.

That's all I'll say about that. Ugh....tentacles.

Tip Number 4:Screw Physics.

When fighting hoards of demons, we don't have time for ******** like physics. Instead, we need to take a motorcycle and start beating the **** out of them with it. Screw reloading! Reloading is for pussies! Fire off an impossible amount of ammo without fear of running out of bullets, even if there's no logical and probably explanation WHY you're not having to reload constantly.

Next time, Part 2, and why blue trenchcoat wearing guys with the same look as me not only show that Capcom's just being lazy, they're also nice to stay away from. No, they did not impale me through the stomach with my own sword. How dare you! I'm too badass for that!

Chapter 2:The Importance of Taking a Backseat Role To Enhance Your Already Great Badassery

As some of you know, I was not the lead character in the fourth installment of Devil May Cry 4. Is it because the developers got tired of me kicking ass and taking names? No. Is it because the 2nd installment sucked balls? Maybe. But the main reason I took a backseat role is to increase the badassery that is Dante Sparda!

Yeah, you got Nero and his Devil Bringer. Whoo! A demonic arm that gives a guy that looks like me, but isn't related to me some fancy telekinetic powers and superhuman strength. Sign me up for some of that. Please. I don't give a damn if Capcom didn't pull that same crap that Konami did with Raiden (stupid wuss). This guy's a complete and utter n00b.

So what if he manages to kick ass easier then I can? Hell, look at the stuff I accomplished in the game:

1)Shot an old guy that looked like the Pope in the head.

2) Got to hit on 2 girls with big boobs(AT THE SAME TIME, and ONE of them shot me in the head! Rock me Amadeus)!

3)I got STUBBLE. STUBBLE. That just shot my badassery up 9,000 points.

Everyone knows me. I was hitting on girls and getting impaled long before this guy stepped in. Does he have stubble? No. Does he have an awesome red leather trenchcoat? No. Does he hit on girls in every installment except the 2nd one that sucked balls? No, he does not. I hit on a succubus. Then killed her. THEN turned her into a guitar that shoots bats and lightning. Do you know awesome that is?! Yeah, he gets a girlfriend at the end, but look at her; can't fight at all, gets kidnapped, doesn't try to beat up the lead guy, or shoot him in the head and has NO BOOBS. At all. Wow, Nero, you're a real stud there. Why don't you take your that demonic arm of yours and-

...Well, I can't exactly say that, now can I? The point is, aspiring Devil Hunters, sometimes you gotta take a backseat and grow some stubble, break into a church, and kill some religious fanatics who worship your father to high heaven. Then,you sit back and let a n00b do most of the dirty work for you. Then, you come back and play through the same levels, and fight the same bosses,because Capcom's creativity is getting stretched out thin these days. Hell, just look at Resident Evil 5.

Next Time, Chapter 3:Why the Death of Your Mother is a Good Thing, and Why You Need A Look-Alike of Her.

And remember, no matter how awesome you become, I'm always gonna be more awesomer then you can ever hope for. Take THAT, Ninja Gaiden!