PDA

View Full Version : Straitjacket


Artemis Enzeru
August 13th, 2009, 07:38 AM
They call me crazy, which is why I wear this straitjacket.
It's white, the same color as the walls that surround me.
Whoever designed this thing is a sick, sick bastard.
Sicker than me, anyway.
It makes me itch.
And whenever my nose itches, I have to jerk violently in order to make it go away.
That'll do real wonders for my case, don't you think?
It makes it easier for those bastards to shove their pills down my throat.
They have pills for everything that ails 'ya.
Do the voices in your head speak Spanish?
Do they speak Japanese?
Do they speak German?
Do they speak Klingon?
Well, we have a miraculous pill that can fix that!
But if they can fix that, why can't they fix me?
They slap labels on me like Wal-Mart products.
I'm mentally insane, they call me.
But that doesn't matter, because I can be fixed!
Take my deepest childhood memories, my fears, my anger and force them to the surface like an eruption of lava!
I'm not mentally insane.
I'm fully aware.
And not wanting to be.
Because if ignorance is bliss, I want to live happily ever after.

Đ a r κ
August 14th, 2009, 06:18 PM
While reading, I can really feel the anger. I also like the comparisons you make like the eruption of lava to memories and emotions being forced out. However, you might want to separate pieces of your poem so it can be a bit easier to read for some.

Artemis Enzeru
August 14th, 2009, 06:22 PM
Thank you for your praise. ...Perhaps I should've done that, no?^^

beauty. proletariat
August 17th, 2009, 06:57 AM
FREEFORM

This poem is something I would call incomplete.

Not because it is incomplete, but because whilst reading it sounds more and more like a rant-song.

You have done a fabolous job as initial work; you have been able to join your ideas together magnificiantly and you have a good understanding of Metaphor and language techniques, but you are more focused on saying what ever jumps to your mind that you dont think about how you are going to explain your ideas. For example,

It makes it easier for those bastards to shove their pills down my throat.
They have pills for everything that ails 'ya.
...
Well, we have a miraculous pill that can fix that!
But if they can fix that, why can't they fix me?

Try to use a different word for pill. Try to get more emotion into it, less, experiment with every single line before you decide what you want.

I'm having a hard time following your structure, and I dont see if the pills are shown as good or bad.

The main point you are trying to show, I think is that you value happiness and if its Ignorance that gets you there, then you dont care. In my head I get an enraged teenager caught up between social life and familial values.

Not trying to sway off, but think about it. Is that the impression you wanted to give?
Is it written in your image?


Also, try writing something with structure. I would reccomend to begin with sets of Haikus, then move onto just rhyming (abab / abba / aabb / abaa / abbb etc.), then to sonnets, then to other forms.

Artemis Enzeru
August 17th, 2009, 02:50 PM
I'm impressed that someone picked up on the freeform! Yes, I did write it freeform, as you stated. A bit of a detractment as I wrote out the poem as ideas came to my mind, but yes, it sounds a bit like a rant. Your criticism is appreciated.