PDA

View Full Version : The Poor Little Cherrim [G]


Mika
August 13th, 2009, 04:56 PM
[A/N: So this is a short little one shot about a Cherrim who wasn't very normal looking and didn't have many friends. :< She gets picked on but then she learns about the true meaning of who she really is inside~ Written like a children's book for Erica because she didn't feel well and it turned out much better than I expected...enjoy? XD; written in one sitting via msn~]

The Poor Little Cherrim
Once upon a time in a land far far away from here, there was a forest. Sometimes people say the forest is in a region like Sinnoh or Hoenn, sometimes people say it doesn't exist at all. Whether or not it exists is beside the point. In the depth of this forest, underneath the thick oak tree leaves with the brimming pecha berries of spring there lays a place where the light touches down, uninhibited by the trees above. Beautiful flowers grow there and there are rocks for Pokemon of the forest to climb upon and soak up some of the delicious natural rays It is near these rocks, these GazingRocks as the Pokemon liked to call them that there lived a small village of Cherrim and Oddish and other plant type pokemon. They lived together in harmony, or so it would seem.

For you see, the Guardian of the Forest, Celebi, had created all the grass type pokemon to live together as one but some of the bellosom starting giving out sitrus berries to the pokemon they thought were the most beautiful or the most kind or the most elegant or the most refined for a while, all it was was Sitrus berries and only for good things but as the sun began to stay up in the sky less and less, the bellosom became agitaited and began to give out nasty Razz berries to the pokemon whose leaves weren't as strong or whose colors weren't as vibrant. One plant pokemon in particular, a Cherrim, received more Razz Berries than Sitrus berries than any other Pokemon. She was a smaller plant with pale pink leaves around her middle and her top leaves weren't all the same size not to mention her eyes were much whiter than a normal Cherrim. Day in and day out, the little cherrim would try very hard to make herself pretty. She would bathe in the spring, dry her leaves on the rocks and then she would roll in the sweetest smelling pecha berries she could find. But each day, the townspeople of this plant village would find something wrong with the poor Cherrim. Her leaves were waterlogged, her skirt was too sweet smelling, her eyes too made up. But the sweet little Cherrim never gave up working day after day after day to make herslef into something people wanted her to be. One day, however, the teasing went too far. The poor little Cherrim was told that no matter what she did, she would never be beautiful and she would never receive a sitrus berry

Distraught and heartbroken, the little Cherrim ran deep into the forest, tripping twice [much to her enemy's delight] in the process she stopped on the banks of the guardian's pond and cried, her feet dangling over the water's edge. It was then, that a soft light appeared behind her. The Cherrim, too distraught to notice, only turned when she felt a soft breeze cross her left cheek.

"Why so sad little Cherrim?" the celebi asked, his eyes full of concern for such a sad little creature

"T-th-the other pokemon, they say I'm so ugly and that my skirt is too short or too pink or my eyes are too white but no matter what I do, I can't ever be good enough for them." She hiccuped, rubbing the backs of her eyes with her leaf covered paws

The celebi chuckled, swirling aorund the little flower for a moment before he settled infront of her, "Look into the water. Tell me what you see."

She blinked, hiccuping still but nodded, stumbling as she toddled forward to peer into the reflection of the water "Mmm? I see... I see a pink cherrim whose eyes are too large, whose skirt is too big and whose leaves aren't all the same size"

The celebi chuckled, dipping his paw into the water, sending ripples through the water, "Do you want to know what I see? Becuase I don't see any of that" The girl tilted her head, dried tears still very clear on her features as she stared at the creature before her. "I see a cherrim whose heart never fills, who listens to the problems of her friends and tries very hard to be well liked by all. I see a tender hearted chlid who loves her family and friends. Your leaves may not be what everyone views as the in thing, but when I formed you as just a tiny little cherubi inside the egg of your mother and father cherrim, I made you special. I wanted you to stand out not for your looks but for what lies benethe."

He smiled, gently petting the Cherrim's head for a moment before he plucked the flower from the ground and doused it in the water. The cherrim sputtered as she squirmed back up onto the bank, dripping wet, "W-what did you do that for?" she squeaked, shivering lightly in the evening air

He chuckled, "See now? The juice from those Razz berries is gone, left in the pond. Return home little Cherrim and remember, when those bullies try and tear you down, that I made you special and I love you very much." With a giggle and poof, he was gone. The cherrim toddled back to camp with a smile on her face and a glow in her heart and it's said that the next day, when the bellosom tried to stick a razz berry to her, it slid right off and they had a tea party instead.

The End

solovino
August 13th, 2009, 08:59 PM
Cherrim! A fable-like story! *squee!*

Ahem... Sorry. Now that I left my playful side behind, I can tell you he enjoyed this little piece of writing. Sure enough, not the whole in one pass (darn PC database error... :rambo:) but, still, here I am.

Now, I'm not useful with grammar but I think some things may need a rewrite or at least a check. For example:

In the depth of this forest, underneath the thick oak tree leaves with the brimming pecha berries of spring there lays a place where the light touches down, uninhibited by the trees above.
This sentence seems very long, I'd either say put a comma before the "there lays" or remove the "there", but I'm not sure which. It's just that the sentence reads too long before one has reached a pause to check up all tahat information.

Whereas here:
One plant pokemon in particular, a Cherrim, received more Razz Berries than Sitrus berries than any other Pokemon
I'm not sure, but the second "than" seems misplaced. You are already comparing the Razz amount to the Sitrus amount so to make that comparison a comparison item following next kinda sounds weird. It's like saying, for example, "this city has more men than women than the other cities of the state". Maybe changing that second "than" to "with respect to" or "unlike", or some other particle to make clearer note of the comparing, would be useful.

The poor little Cherrim was told that no matter what she did, she would never be beautiful and she would never receive a sitrus berry
Finally, you missed the Sitrus Berry capitalization, as well as the period, here. FInally something I'm kinda sure of... :D

That's for grammar things. There maybe some other minor errors that I did not manage to notice, but whatever. I'm not here for the grammar but for the, let's say, charm.

See, a "cute story" about a Cherrim (of all Pokémon) calls my attention. It begins in a fairly expositive way, with all the describing the hidden world where the story takes place, even with a "Once upon a time" to begin with.

After the teasing part I thing the story gets carried too fast. There's not much beyond Cherrim meeting Celebi and being sent back to her home with, supposedly, a new vision of herself. Then again, that's how fairytales are intended to carry out I guess (my childhood went on permanent vacation too far ago, I try call it back sometimes but it ignores me...), but Celebi giving too much exposition instead of demonstration set me off.

Short story shorter, I think the pacing in the Celebi part is too abrupt but since I'm no longer used to this kind of story I'm not sure if that's bad or good, it simply makes it feel "weird". The story itself, that is the idea, the plot and the message that flows behind, I found to be cute, for lack of a better adjective, and also quite simple and to-the-point. Maybe the end could have stressed things a bit to compensate for the pace, but given the kind of story I was reading it actually felt like "and then everyone is happy, how's that for a change?" with the question included and ended in a fulfilling tone.

Oh and before I forget, most reviewers will pick up the fact that Pokémon is spelled with the acute on the e, as in 'é', but they have the understanding that for some people they won't know right off the bat how to produce the 'é' symbol. Here you have some tips (http://bulbapedia.bulbagarden.net/wiki/Bulbapedia:Style_primer#The_.C3.A9_and_other_special_characters). There's some keyboard combination that will create the accent for you, I think. Haven't used Windows, or an english keyboard, for quite a time now so...


O'kay, I should be going now, I hope what I wrote has some kind of usefulness. Overall a cute story, way to bring something... different to this forum! :D

Astinus
August 13th, 2009, 10:18 PM
Oh and before I forget, most reviewers will pick up the fact that Pokémon is spelled with the acute on the e, as in 'é', but they have the understanding that for some people they won't know right off the bat how to produce the 'é' symbol. Here you have some tips (http://bulbapedia.bulbagarden.net/wiki/Bulbapedia:Style_primer#The_.C3.A9_and_other_special_characters). There's some keyboard combination that will create the accent for you, I think. Haven't used Windows, or an english keyboard, for quite a time now so...
I, erm, don't think it's good for someone to be linked to a page saying that not only should Pokemon always be capitalized and written with the accent mark, when Mika might fall into the "capitalize only if proper noun" portion of fandom. Since there are different sides of that, and you can't say one is more correct than the other.

Besides: point number two (http://www.pokecommunity.com/showpost.php?p=4761741&postcount=4), please.

-

Mika gets a review~!

So this is a short little one shot about a Cherrim who wasn't very normal looking and didn't have many friends.
;_;

She gets picked on but then she learns about the true meaning of who she really is inside~
:D

Sometimes people say the forest is in a region like Sinnoh or Hoenn, sometimes people say it doesn't exist at all.
Perhaps those could be two separate sentences? It reads better to me that way, but hey.

Beautiful flowers grow there and there are rocks for Pokemon of the forest to climb upon and soak up some of the delicious natural rays
Missing the full stop at the end of this sentence.

Also, the "theres" separated only by an "and". It made me stumble a bit while reading.

For you see, the Guardian of the Forest, Celebi, had created all the grass type pokemon to live together as one but some of the bellosom starting giving out sitrus berries to the pokemon they thought were the most beautiful or the most kind or the most elegant or the most refined for a while, all it was was Sitrus berries and only for good things but as the sun began to stay up in the sky less and less, the bellosom became agitaited and began to give out nasty Razz berries to the pokemon whose leaves weren't as strong or whose colors weren't as vibrant. One plant pokemon in particular, a Cherrim, received more Razz Berries than Sitrus berries than any other Pokemon.
Greatest sentence ever.

...

I read the story, and it's cute. It made me smile and feel better. I also like the way that it read, since it sounded like an old-fashioned fairy tale being told to a group of people. It's just so...good. And heart-warming. Really, it just needs to be cleaned up a bit, and you're golden!

And I want more stories from you. See, you fit in here at PFF&P. Mostly because Cherrim are adorable and need to be seen more often in fanfics.

Mizan de la Plume Kuro
August 14th, 2009, 01:58 AM
Oh my God, this is cute. And I'm a boy!

Ah, I haven't seen too many children's book style writing in the PFF&P lately. It really gives of a warm nostalgic feeling when I read this.

The celebi chuckled, dipping his paw into the water, sending ripples through the water, "Do you want to know what I see? Becuase I don't see any of that" The girl tilted her head, dried tears still very clear on her features as she stared at the creature before her. "I see a cherrim whose heart never fills, who listens to the problems of her friends and tries very hard to be well liked by all. I see a tender hearted chlid who loves her family and friends. Your leaves may not be what everyone views as the in thing, but when I formed you as just a tiny little cherubi inside the egg of your mother and father cherrim, I made you special. I wanted you to stand out not for your looks but for what lies benethe."I love this part. :D

I did enjoy the way you portrayed Bellosom as being snobby or something like that. This is definitely one of the cutest fan fics ever. :D

Although, the story kind of speeds up too fast near the ending. I would have loved to see some kind of realization from the Bellosom or something.

Also, Celebi as a forest fairy. Pure win. :D