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View Full Version : Crossing the Line [PG -13]


Iqid Loopz
August 13th, 2009, 09:38 PM
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After re-doing my story over 10 times and looking at comments, my morale is low and out of energy, start righting early in the morning..12 writing a whole chapter, and having rights, typing errors and staying up to 1 in the morning to rorrect mistakes and add more and proof reading them for the next 3 hours , sorta went to waste, im having second thoughts of making this story. Reason why? I am more use to writing Halo 3 Machinima's scripts in the style i write,in the end fiting to my idea, when the characters actually move and talk LOL, sorry and this is the only place release stress, working 4 jobs is really a pain in the ass with horrible schedule. So ill be back to "Re-do" my stories. In time are these chapter names and need to change the names of the Characters there too clinch and transformer type like names, later all.

Chapter List - Crossing the Line Vol 1.

Prologue - A New Version {In Progress}
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Chapter 1 - Odd Briefing {In Progress}
Chapter 2 - The Recruits {In Progress}
Chapter 3 - A Whole New Taco {In Progress}
Chapter 4 - Bow Chicka Wow Wow {In Progress}
Chapter 5 - Yo Momma! {In Progress}
Chapter 5 - Old Newlyweds {In Progress}
Chapter 6 - Get At Me! {In Progress}
Chapter 7 - ROFL evolves into ROFLCOPTER! {In Progress}
Chapter 8 - You Just Been Hit By A Smooth Criminal {In Progress}
Chapter 9 - I Need To Take A Dump! {In Progress}
Chapter 10 - Gasoline Fest! {In Progress}

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Characters

Something special about the characters in this story, I'm going to list the pokemon that are in it, but there going to have nicknames so its going to very confusing. green = Pokemon name , Red = Name in the story

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Main Characters
Bravo Squad
Swampert AKA Captain Mud Slide
Charmeleon AKA Staff Sergeant Hell Fire
Pidgeotto AKA Sergeant Air Raid
Grotle AKA Staff Sergeant Terra
Onix AKA Private Heavy Duty
Shinx AKA Private Dark Spark
Snorunt AKA Private Ice Age
Ditto AKA Sergeant Transform
Seedot AKA Corporal Side Swipe
Magby AKA Private Spit Fire
Gastly AKA Private Goosebump
Chansey AKA Sergeant First Aid
Phanpy AKA Private Barricade
Seel AKA Private Navy Seal
Zangoose AKA Corporal Zig Zag
Abra AKA Corporal Psi
Hitmonchan AKA Sergeant Knock Out


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Other Characters you seen thus far

Arceus AKA Commander Alpha
Gliscor AKA General High Glide
Aggron AKA General Iron Armor
Blastoise AKA General Shell Shock
Venasaur AKA General Seedinator
Blaziken AKA General Blaze
Wailord AKA Colonel Tsunami
Empoleon AKA Lt Colonel Emperor
Sceptile AKA Captain Jungle King
Crawdaunt AKA Captain Ram Shaft
Pusle AKA Sergeant Red Bolt
Minun AKA Sergeant Blue Bolt
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Mizan de la Plume Kuro
August 14th, 2009, 01:46 AM
Hahahaha lulz.XD

We seriously need more comedy fics here in the FF&P. I like your style of humour but there were too many mistakes so it made for an uncomfortable read. I would suggest a beta reader so that your story can be the best it can be. All the names were a bit confusing though, not to mention cliche but then again, it's your fic.

I really enjoyed the random soldier talk and the real life references. The mistakes were a bit of a turn off though and i suggest you use a normal font(suggestion).

Iqid Loopz
August 14th, 2009, 05:23 AM
Lol thank you , ill fix my probelms but i have no idea what i need to fix can you popoint it out, Thank you

Astinus
August 14th, 2009, 08:27 PM
Hahahaha lulz.XD

We seriously need more comedy fics here in the FF&P. I like your style of humour but there were too many mistakes so it made for an uncomfortable read. I would suggest a beta reader so that your story can be the best it can be. All the names were a bit confusing though, not to mention cliche but then again, it's your fic.

I really enjoyed the random soldier talk and the real life references. The mistakes were a bit of a turn off though and i suggest you use a normal font(suggestion).

For starters, get a beta reader, like Mizan said. They should be able to a) find mistakes and fix them, and b) tell you what the mistakes were so that you don't make them again.
Or you both could take some time to point out some mistakes so that Iqid Loopz knows what his mistakes are. It's never a good idea to say in a "review" that an author has mistakes and should fix them. Why? Because the author is left to wonder this:

Lol thank you , ill fix my probelms but i have no idea what i need to fix can you popoint it out, Thank you

After you review and say "You have some mistakes in your story", you should take the time to point out the mistakes that you saw so the author can correct them. Instead of just upping your post count for some arbitrary reason.

Which is exactly why one of those quoted posts was deleted. Not constructive in the least. You were just repeating information given by another reviewer, not adding anything new to help the author.

Iqid, a review of your prologue. My tired eyes make it difficult to read the chapters you have posted in a smaller font, so I'll do the prologue now.

The Year is 2226, a war broke out between the world vs. Team Rocket and Team Galactic alliance.
From the first sentence, I can see that you do need a beta reader. (http://www.pokecommunity.com/showthread.php?t=147710) (Link goes to thread to ask for one.) There's a lot of mistakes here. We'll take them one at a time.

First, "year" should not be capitalized. It's not a proper noun in this case, nor at the start of the sentence. (You do this again later on, so I didn't point it out.)

"Is" should be "was", since the rest of the prologue is written in the past tense.

The next part beginning with "a war..." should be it's own sentence, or combined in a way with "The year was 2226".

Write out "versus" instead of the abbreviation.

Instead of saying "Team Rocket and Team Galactic alliance", perhaps try to write it in a less clunky way. Maybe "the alliance between teams Rocket and Galactic" or something.

The war on earth went well the Earth forces drove Team Galactic into the stars and the war spread through out space.
"The war on Earth went well" is its own sentence. So the first "the" in that sentence needs to be capitalized, and "well" needs a period (full stop) after it. Either capitalize "forces" if "Earth Forces" is the name of the battlers, or make "Earth" possessive by adding " 's " to it.

A lot more information also needs to be given. How did Earth's forces drive an entire team into space and fought in space? Military bases orbiting Earth? Rocket ships? Pokemon? There should be some information given here.

Team Rocket still remains on Earth.
Since "remains" is in the present tense, and you used past tense for the rest of the prologue, maybe: "Team Rocket remained on Earth, however", or whatever you want to write. Just as long as the verb tense is in the past.

In year 2230 a treaty saying “No Pokemon will be used war” was made, but The “Galactic Rocket Alliance” disobeying the rule, so Earth ordered to train the finest Pokemon for the military to finish this war off.
In the year 2230, a treaty saying "No Pokemon will be used in (the) war" was made, but the "Galactic Rocket Alliance" disobeyed the rule...

And drop "off" from the end of the sentence, making "war" the last word of the sentence.

Corrections are in bold up there. Most are self-explainable, except for the comma after 2230. If you read this guide (http://owl.english.purdue.edu/owl/resource/607/02/) to commas, it will make more sense than me explaining it to you. Because I can't explain well.

A small planet called Osara inhabitant with colonies of people, a somewhat another Earth.
A small planet called Osara, inhabited with colonies of people, was known as another Earth.

Added "was known as" to have the last part make more sense.

The 52nd Division, mostly known as “The Renegade Division", discovered how to talk to Pokemon with human speech.
How is this possible? According to canon, people have been trying to years to understand Pokemon. These people figured out how to do so. How did they do that?

In 2236, the war ended with all Earth Forces going back to Earth due to another crisis on Earth, including 52nd Division. Earth ordered to leave the Pokémon of the 52nd Division to remain behind without telling them. They are experimenting to see if the 52nd Division can handle being by themselves…
Ellipses (...) are only three dots.

After two years, three evil- minded soldiers named Omega, Pitch-Black and Alien convinced half of the 52nd Division to join their army and created the Ganggus Army, to threaten to steal the Lotus Sphere.
Write out numbers less than 100.

Added "to threaten" to have the sentence make more sense. "Name" is a present tense verb.

It was a sphere that held incredible power that can destroy life and create others…

And there we go.

As you can see from my (admitting that it was quick) review, you have a lot of issues with verb tenses and having your sentences make sense. A way to fix the second problem is to read over the chapter before you post it out loud, so you can hear how the sentences read. Then you can play around with them until they make sense.

I second the recommendation for a beta reader. They'll help you find your problems before you post so that reviewers can enjoy your story without stumbling over grammar errors.

At any rate, I hope my review helped you out, and good luck continuing your story.

Iqid Loopz
August 14th, 2009, 09:50 PM
Thank you, I decided to re-wright my story's it will halut me for months. By looking at other artist, there was less characters then mine in one chapter. And i ahve to fix grammers and meaning to my storys