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Lorem Ipsum
August 18th, 2009, 09:12 AM
I've written five poems in the past few days. Please read them and comment.

The Ballad of the Clerk and the Cashier
Let me tell you a story
A story of two hearts entwined
This story is of love unmeasured
And tragedy at the same time

She was a Tesco store clerk
A clerk with long brown hair
And when she saw for the first time
Her blue eyes looked over there

There was a Tesco cashier
A cashier with brown eyes
Their chocolate depth did sparkle
As he looked back with surprise

Then the couple’s eyes met;
Met with love at first sight
Then the cashier plucked up the courage
To ask the clerk out that night

The two dined at a bistro
A bistro suave and new
The cashier ordered pasta
The clerk asked for beef stew

The duo talked all evening
For hours numbered five
They drank and talked and talked some more
Their fledgling romance alive

Fast forward seven months
The cashier giddy with love
He asked the clerk to marry
The stars watching above

The vicar was all ready
The vows waiting to be sworn
The clerk was in her bright white dress
In golden braid adorned

Waiting in the chapel
The cashier, handsome and smart
Awaited his truly beloved
Of whose life he wanted to be a part

The service went ahead
The two’s fingers crossed with gold
They kissed in newfound joy
And went forth in marriage, bold


The couple stayed to work in Tesco
Remaining with their friends
Helping out the customers
Noting product trends

Until one rainy, cloudy day
A bedraggled man stormed in
He pulled out a gun and seized a girl
Pressing it under the store clerk’s chin

The shocked cashier ran forward
Trying his love to retrieve
The gunman wanted none of it
The gun coughed out life’s reprieve

The bullet hit the cashier
Blasted into his chest
The gunman stole all what he could
While the clerk began her quest

Tears streamed down the poor clerk’s face
Trying to save her love
Her efforts were to no avail
As she cursed the gods above

Ashes to ashes, dust to dust
The cashier buried down low
The clerk standing by the graveside
Her heart torn with sorrow

I felt like writing a romantic tragedy, and instead of coming out as a short story, I wrote a poem. I thought I'd share it with you. I'd love some c&c as well.

Cats
If I had fur just like a cat
Grow all over my body
I would just think “fancy that”
For they’d see me as godly

If I had eyes just like a cat
Bright and darkly round
I would watch them all get fat
Then curl up warm and sound

If I had thoughts just like a cat
A mind of morbid fun
I’d hide beneath a feathered hat
Catching all that try to run

If I became just like a cat
This is what I’d do
I’d catch and kill a dirty rat
Then sit on top of you

I wrote this when my cat was mewing incessantly at me. And then she killed two mice.

The Demon Girl
That demon girl whose smile so sweet;
Like thorns on the most beautiful of roses.
Her eyes the red of the blood she spills,
That wretched demon girl

That demon girl with tongue of silver
Like the light on the anglerfish’s head
Her mind the twisted evil she spreads
That wretched demon girl

This is based off of Dahlia Hawthorne, from Phoenix Wright. Mia Fey keeps calling her 'that demonic woman' and it sounded kinda cool, so hence this.

Shooting Star

O, fallen star
You dance among the night
Parading in the majesty of the moon
Carefree of his wizened gaze

O, fallen star
You weave through your brethren
Dancing amongst those who remain
Listening to their joyous song

O, fallen star
You streak through the sky
Weaving amongst the mother that is night
Painting a picture of white

This was written while listening to 'The Lark Ascending' by Vaughan Williams.

Superhero Jen and Her Quest for a Pen

If ever there were to be need a pen
There is but one who ask that question now:
The cool and mighty Superhero Jen
With Pat the pig her sidekick brave in tow
Jen searched the world in want to write her tale
Pat searched his sty to help the best he could
In both their quests they could not help but fail
Instead receiving implements of wood
Though searches, quests for implements stayed on
No working pen or tool the same was found
Never penned was Jen’s fine tale of swan
Though similar ideas did get around
The moral that I now here give to thee
Always keep a spare and lost you cannot be

This is a satirical piece that was written when I was looking for a stupid pen to do the crossword in the Daily Mail with.

Please comment

Kaisuki
August 18th, 2009, 12:04 PM
Nice poems. If i had the time, I'd review them all but I'll do the first one.
Let me tell you a story
A story of two hearts entwined
This story is of love unmeasured
And tragedy at the same time

She was a Tesco store clerk
A clerk with long brown hair
And when she saw for the first time: saw what for the first time?
Her blue eyes looked over there: Where?

There was a Tesco cashier
A cashier with brown eyes
Their chocolate depth did sparkle: favorite line, but 'their'?
As he looked back with surprise:

Then the couple’s eyes met;
Met with love at first sight
Then the cashier plucked up the courage
To ask the clerk out that night

The two dined at a bistro
A bistro suave and new
The cashier ordered pasta
The clerk asked for beef stew: this sounds kinda cheesy but its cute :D

The duo talked all evening
For hours numbered five: I didn't understand this line
They drank and talked and talked some more: how about they drank and talked with *insert adjective*
Their fledgling romance was alive

Fast forward seven months
The cashier giddy with love
He asked the clerk to marry
The stars watching above

The vicar was all ready
The vows waiting to be sworn
The clerk was in her bright white dress
In golden braid adorned

Waiting in the chapel
The cashier, handsome and smart
Awaited his truly beloved
Of whose life he wanted to be a part: I didn't understand this line

The service went ahead
The two’s fingers crossed with gold
They kissed in newfound joy
And went forth in marriage, bold

The couple stayed to work in Tesco
Remaining with their friends
Helping out the customers
Noting product trends

Until one rainy, cloudy day
A bedraggled man stormed in
He pulled out a gun and seized a girl: just a random girl or the Tesco girl? just 'a girl' doesn't explain enough
Pressing it under the store clerk’s chin

The shocked cashier ran forward
Trying his love to retrieve
The gunman wanted none of it
The gun coughed out life’s reprieve

The bullet hit the cashier
Blasted into his chest
The gunman stole all what he could
While the clerk began her quest

Tears streamed down the poor clerk’s face
Trying to save her love
Her efforts were to no avail
As she cursed the gods above

Ashes to ashes, dust to dust
The cashier buried down low
The clerk standing by the graveside
Her heart torn with sorrow


Otherwise, it was an excellent poem. The name you chose for it, I don't think 'Ballad' fits it. Ballad is more like a song, but the name is awesome. This poem made me really think, as I do believe in love as first sight.

Keep up the good work ;)

Lorem Ipsum
August 19th, 2009, 08:44 AM
The seeing thing in the second verse was all about seeing the man, it's a bit ambiguous, but I think it makes sense D:
'Their chocolate depth' is referring to his eyes.
'For hours numbered five' basically means for five hours.
I like the 'talked and talked some more' better than a typical prose adjective.
'was' does indeed work better
It's basically saying that he wanted to be a part of the clerk's life
Hmm... it should have been 'the girl' and not just 'a girl'. I'll change that, thanks.
Ballad fits because... it is a ballad. It's a story described in quatrains of rhyming poetry. Which is a ballad.

Otherwise, thanks for your crits :)