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Giratina55
August 18th, 2009, 12:40 PM
I made this when i used to be with my old boyfriend.

I love you, to me your heart is gold
When you tell me dont be scared, i feel bold
To me, your a tasty sandwhich that lasts forever
And i know we will always be together
I wish we knew each other in real life
And if someone hurts you, i will be your knife.


Comments and some critisisim will be nice. :)

beauty. proletariat
August 18th, 2009, 08:32 PM
RHYMING POEM
I made this when i used to be with my old boyfriend.

I love you, to me your heart is gold
When you tell me dont be scared, i feel bold
To me, your a tasty sandwhich that lasts forever
And i know we will always be together
I wish we knew each other in real life
And if someone hurts you, i will be your knife.


Comments and some critisisim will be nice. :)

Considering your age, this is a very good display of your raw English skills as you are taught very little in terms of English in primary school. Nothing can be graded without age, and in correspondance with your age, I think this is an extremely good work.

I'll start with the obvious:

Spelling and Grammar
Peom is not the correct way to write Poem.
"your" is used when talking about objects or features relating to someone. I think you meant to use "you're" which is short for "you are."
When "I" is used in a sentence, it must be capital if it is by itself.

Mother and I ate dinner together.
Mother and i ate dinner together.
Notice that the one that is crossed out uses a lowercase "i"
Try to use punctuation after every line. A full stop, comma, semi-colon, colon, etc.

Fix up some of those things and post what you ended up with :) I'd like to see it.

Here are some other things I would reccommend you look at
Conventions
A convention is "the standard procedure / normal procedure." It is the guidelines that is generally followed, and this can be in any context. It is different in a film, to a short story, or a poem.

In rhyming poems, there are two main conventions.


Each line rhymes with another. (Your poem rhymes in the pattern aabbcc. Poems can rhyme ababcc, abcabc, abccba, etc. There is an endless amount of different ways you could have made it rhyme.)
Beat and syllable-count is kept similar in the lines that rhyme together.

Conventions do not always have to be followed, but they help you give a little extra oomph into your content. You followed the rhyming pattern, but beat was not kept together. (Don't be discouraged :) Beat is easier to follow if you're actively looking for it.)

I'm not sure how to describe beat to you in a poem, but try tapping on the table or your hand every time you say a syllable, following punctuation. You will find that some lines will be more or less difficult, and some will just flow together because the beat matches better.

A fire burns strong in the crackling thunder,
He weeps through the pain on the cold floor,
Her impulse words hurt and he's left there to ponder,
A smoke of lightning crackles heavens door.

Grandfather ticks away from memm'ry,
As I begin to reminisce. note: pronounce reminisce as remm-enest.
It builds this haze and you my enn'my,
A step reversed, tongue-kiss retreat.

I dont have any easy poems but I will let you see with extracts of two of my poems. These are the first four lines of a sonnet, and they rhyme in abab. Notice how the second one flows much better and the syllables and beats are closer together. I'm also using something called Iambic Pentameter, but I would suggest you stay off it until you get more experienced with poem writing. If you would like, however, there is a quick guide on it in the Poetry FAQ which is stickied in this forum.

There is alot more.

I see that you are good at expressing yourself with the use of metaphor and language technique. Good work :)

Metaphor and Similie are grains of sand in the beach of poetry and language techniques. You always have to work on refining your technique, and I reccommend you to read this for more advice (http://www.pokecommunity.com/showthread.php?t=69598) and this for some of the forms of poetry (http://www.pokecommunity.com/showthread.php?t=23406).

If you would like help with anything to do with poetry, you can always PM me.

~Miraj.

Giratina55
August 19th, 2009, 08:01 AM
Ok! Thanks, you gave me alot of infomation, next time i do a poem (sometimes i dont notice typos) i will surely try to follow your advice, thanks!