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NoblePredator
August 30th, 2009, 01:31 AM
Prologue:

A destroyed world surrounded Elizabeth. Her home town, Laveridge Town, had been destroyed, as had the rest of Hoenn, by the evil Cipher, who had once set out to take over the land of Orre. That failed, but they set their sights on ruling Hoenn. With the troops they collected, this was possible. They destroyed it instead. They killed thousends of people, all over Hoenn. All the people of Laveridge had been executed, all but Elizabeth. Cipher ruled Hoenn, but destroyed it aswell. Now it was a showdown between Liz and Cipher Leader, Nascour.

"So, there was a surviver of this pathetic town." Nascour smirked.
"Your going to pay for what you did, Cipher!" Liz growled, "Go, Magmar!"
The firey duck stood tall in the flames, blending with its surroundings.
"Hm, weak. It wont stand a chance against my latest Shadow Pokemon." "Destroy it, Shadow Garchomp!"
A Shark popped out of the Pokeball, bursting with shadow energy. Thumping its tail on the ground, it stood in battle position.

"Garchomp, Shadow Rush!" Nascour ordered. The land shark dashed towards Magmar, shadow energy swirling around it. With a jump, Garchomp rocketed at Magmar in a dark coloured missile, thumping into Magmar's belly. Magmar was thrust into Liz.
"Magmar, are you ok?"
"Mag, Magmar!" said Magmar.
"All right, Mag, Flamethrower!" Elizabeth yelled. Flames engulfed Magmar, before shooting from its beak in one big blast. It covered Garchomp in flames. Liz waited.
Suddenly, Garchomp burst out the flames, and tramsformed into a collosal meteorite, hurtling at a stunned Magmar.
"Garchomp, GIGA IMPACT!"
The land shark whammed into Magmars head, sending it hurtling over the rocks that connected Laveridge to the closest route. It was out cold.
"Mag..." stuttered Liz, running towards the knocked out duck. Cipher goons grabbed her arms. She struggled, but to no avail.
"Take her away." ordered Nascour.

That night, Magmar watched in vain as his trainer was executed. He couldnt bare it, as he looked away as the gun was shot. His trainer was dead. Magmar scrambled away, to he boat where all survivers where being shipped of tho Sinnoh by the surviving sea captain. Magmar smuggled into the cargo departmet, as the ship was cast out.

Citrinin
August 30th, 2009, 02:22 AM
A destroyed world surrounded Elizabeth.
You passed up a valuable opportunity for some good imagery to set the scene here. Although a reader can easily surmise what a destroyed world looks like, it's not nearly as evocative if you don't describe it.

Laveridge Town
It's spelled "Lavaridge Town".

surviver
This should be "survivor".

"So, there was a surviver of this pathetic town." Nascour smirked.
"Your going to pay for what you did, Cipher!" Liz growled, "Go, Magmar!"
The firey duck stood tall in the flames, blending with its surroundings.
"Hm, weak. It wont stand a chance against my latest Shadow Pokemon." "Destroy it, Shadow Garchomp!"
A Shark popped out of the Pokeball, bursting with shadow energy. Thumping its tail on the ground, it stood in battle position.
To make it easier to read, push enter twice, rather than once, in here. In other words, it should look something like this:

"So, there was a surviver of this pathetic town." Nascour smirked.

"Your going to pay for what you did, Cipher!" Liz growled, "Go, Magmar!"

The firey duck stood tall in the flames, blending with its surroundings.

"Hm, weak. It won't stand a chance against my latest Shadow Pokemon." "Destroy it, Shadow Garchomp!"

A Shark popped out of the Pokeball, bursting with shadow energy. Thumping its tail on the ground, it stood in battle position.The same concept applies in the set of dialogue right after this: push enter twice, rather than once.

couldnt
This should be "couldn't".

He couldnt bare it, as he looked away as the gun was shot.
The order of this sentence should be changed: "He looked away as the gun was shot, as he couldn't bare it."

This is because "as" links cause and effect in the order [effect] as [cause] - and looking away is the effect of being unable to bear his trainer's suffering.

to he boat
This should be "to the boat".

of tho Sinnoh
This should be "off to Sinnoh".

Magmar smuggled
To smuggle is a transitive verb, so this should be "Magmar smuggled himself"

departmet
This should be "department".

All in all, an interesting start, but I suggest getting a BETA reader to weed out the mistakes in your fic, as well as first writing it in a word processing program, like MS Word, to catch the more obvious spelling mistakes. I also suggest using more descriptive language to develop the atmosphere and emotions of your characters.

Caliban
August 30th, 2009, 03:07 AM
Prologue:

A destroyed world surrounded Elizabeth. Her home town, Laveridge Town, had been destroyed, as had the rest of Hoenn, by the evil Cipher, who had once set out to take over the land of Orre. That failed, but they set their sights on ruling Hoenn. With the troops they collected, this was possible. They destroyed it instead. They killed thousends of people, all over Hoenn. All the people of Laveridge had been executed, all but Elizabeth. Cipher ruled Hoenn, but destroyed it as well. Now it was a showdown between Liz and the Cipher Leader, Nascour.

"So, there was a survivor of this pathetic town." Nascour smirked.
"You're going to pay for what you did, Cipher!" Liz growled, "Go, Magmar!"
The firey duck stood tall in the flames, blending with its surroundings.
"Hm, weak. It won't stand a chance against my latest Shadow Pokemon," he told her "Destroy it, Shadow Garchomp!"
A Shark popped out of the Pokeball, bursting with shadow energy. Thumping its tail on the ground, it stood in battle position.

"Garchomp, Shadow Rush!" Nascour ordered. The land shark dashed towards Magmar, shadow energy swirling around it. With a jump, Garchomp rocketed at Magmar in a dark coloured missile, thumping into Magmar's belly. Magmar was thrust into Liz.
"Magmar, are you ok?"
"Mag, Magmar!" said Magmar.
"All right, Mag, Flamethrower!" Elizabeth yelled. Flames engulfed Magmar, before shooting from its beak in one big blast. It covered Garchomp in flames. Liz waited.
Suddenly, Garchomp burst out the flames, and transformed into a colossal meteorite, hurtling at a stunned Magmar.
"Garchomp, GIGA IMPACT!"
The land shark whammed into Magmar's head, sending it hurtling over the rocks that connected Laveridge to the closest route. It was out cold.
"Mag..." stuttered Liz, running towards the knocked out duck. Cipher goons grabbed her arms. She struggled, but to no avail.
"Take her away." ordered Nascour.

That night, Magmar watched in vain as his trainer was executed. He couldn't bear it. He looked away as the gun was shot. His trainer was dead. Magmar scrambled away, to the boat where all survivors were being shipped off to Sinnoh by the surviving sea captain. Magmar smuggled into the cargo department, as the ship was cast out.Ok. Interesting so far. I've gone through and corrected some errors, please bear in mind that it's just gone eleven p.m.
Bolds are changes, italics are things which I don't think make sense.

In reverse order: Instead of "department", maybe "compartment" would work better?
Instead of the ship casting out, I think that it would "cast off".
Garchomp rocketed at Magmar in a dark coloured missile would work better as a simile or metaphor. e.g. Garchomp rocketed at Magmar like a missile, Garchomp was a missile, rocketing towards Magmar. Yes I know, the last example is in a different tense.

Thanks,
~ Pich_u

[EDIT:] Ninja'd by Acid-for-brains. XD
Most of my edits are now irrelevant.

NoblePredator
August 30th, 2009, 06:34 AM
thanks for youre comments. this is my first fanfic where someone hasnt pissed me off.