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Daydream
September 2nd, 2009, 06:20 AM
Prologue

For the fifth time, Arres readjusted the laurel resting atop his head, the thin rigid crown of Hondew leaves was irritating the portion of his head that was left bare as it sloped downward to make his forehead. He silently cursed Katacus, yes, do go as an ancient emperor the subjects will find it most amusing, Arres should have known that in matters like these the creature would humbly subject to any suggestion he had made; considering such matters superficial and beneath his position. Arres straightened the rumples that had gathered around the bottom of the garment and sat back up in his chair. If his expression hadn’t been one of accepting boredom, the simian being would have been far more imposing. A lean, dark brown furred Slaking with longer than average lower canines protruding from his lower lip, Arres could be a terrifying sight and when angered many a lesser being would run from him.

Sighting his advisor making an eventual entrance Arres called out, “Katacus? I request your company,” Katacus having already been making his way towards the throne inclined his head at quickened his pace, “Where have you been? You were expected a quarter curl of the petal ago.”

“Your highness, there was a problem with some of our workers,” Katacus stated,his voice dropping in an undertone “I assume you know which ones?”

Arres sighed, it had been getting worse lately. He eyed his trusted advisor with a look of great irritation, that seemed to express a thought he was rapidly tiring of; and you still cannot deal with it? Katacus waited for a verbal response from the king who continued to watch him in a weary, frustrated manner. The advisor’s appearance was much diminished by the whimsical costume he had chosen, a pointy hat with a long flowing robe. On other Ampharos it would have made for an amusing gait but Katacus was pure white, an albino, and often bore a solemn expression.

“Find my son, and bring him with us. He needs to break away from his mother’s protective shield and learn some harsh realities.”

“Are you certain? The boy is still young it-” the Ampharos began to testify.

“I do not ask for your council on this, Katacus,” the king harshly interjected, “ And he is no younger than I was.”

“Very well, your majesty.”

***

“Katacus, where are we going? I’d rather not leave the party for too long, I was having such-”

“Sawl, your father wishes to address you on important matters, those which you will most likely inherit when you take your role as king.”

The young Vigoroth gazed ahead, dreamily content, it was clear he relished the idea of power and would be a king after his own father’s heart. Katacus lead him to a small chamber that was poorly furnished; a straw sleeping palette in the right corner, a poorly constructed, wooden chair and table stood adjacent to the left wall and the dank, earthy smell of a ground type clung to the air. Sawl sniffed the air indignantly and turned his gaze upon the almost spectral form that Katacus had become in the dark, “Where is my father?”

“He shall not be long,” the Ampharos explained, “But there is something he would like me to tell you about, a story if you will,” Katacus stopped a moment noticing the prince’s huffy face, “ Not a bedtime story I am afraid. Now, I’m sure you know a lot of the main history of our people, but what I have to tell you is not something ordinary citizens know. Now, there are some tasks a pokémon simply does not have the… Dexterity to do. Which is why we keep a group of workers to do some… Of our tasks,” the older male took a moment’s pause to gauge the prince’s expression. Like his father he was never one to express shock or surprise, for they considered it a sign of weakness, “No if we hadn’t… Helped this race they could have gained some sort of primitive intelligence and sought to attack us,” Katacus paused he found it difficult to tell a tale he didn’t fully believe, these… Animals could never be more intelligent than a common pidgey, “ So we took control of them… Made them a more… Manageable number,” at this point the King entered behind his son, Katacus gave a small inclination of his head before continuing , “And to this day we monitor their breeding and use them as a… Workforce. Otherwise they would have no other reason to be,” the advisor concluded.

Arres tapped his son on the shoulder and silently motioned for him to follow. He was lead into what appeared to be a dungeon of sorts. Sawl stared with somewhat distaste at the creatures he found in the cells. The were hairless, skin a pale, pink-tinged colour, apart from shaggy masses atop their heads, thin and gangly bodies that looked about ready to snap. They were segregated into groups, of what appeared to be sexes; the females having even more slender and delicate bodies and the males with a stockier build.

Father and son reached an end cell, somewhat smaller that the rest, the Slaking inserted a wrought iron key into the door and pulled it open. A male and female of the creatures were inside, embracing one another, thin arms looping around the others back. Sawl wondered what significance it could have for beings such as these but didn’t have time to make a guess before his father grabbed the female.

Arres raised a glowing fist. It connected with the creature’s skull. A sickening crunch. The male screamed. “Do the same.”

Sawl knew better than to question his father, and what were these animals but pathetic beasts of burden?

The Vigoroth’s claw began to glow white.

-----

My brain made me do it. >.> I swear, I took no part in it!


Any reviews or critique are greatly welcomed and required. =D

Redstar
September 3rd, 2009, 03:50 AM
Prologue

For the fifth time, Arres readjusted the laurel resting atop his head, the thin rigid crown of Hondew leaves was irritating the portion of his head that was left bare as it sloped downward to make his forehead.
The sentence should be either broken into a new one at the second comma or it changed into a semi-colon, to allow for proper breathing time. And did you mean 'meet', rather than (the bolded) 'make'?

He silently cursed Katacus, yes, do go as an ancient emperor the subjects will find it most amusing, Arres should have known that in matters like these the creature would humbly subject to any suggestion he had made; considering such matters superficial and beneath his position.[/QUOTE]
This sentence is awkward all over. I think it starts out as an action tag, moves into thought, then returns to narrative. All in one go. If you could make it clearer that'd help us all out. (Thoughts are generally differentiated by italicizing)

Arres straightened the rumples that had gathered around the bottom of the garment and sat back up in his chair. If his expression hadn’t been one of accepting boredom, the simian being would have been far more imposing; a lean, dark brown furred Slaking with longer than average lower canines protruding from his lower lip, Arres could be a terrifying sight and when angered many a lesser being would run from him.
The second sentence ends up being one big run-on and could probably be more clearly expressed without the semi-colon and made into two separate sentences.

Sighting his advisor making an eventual entrance Arres called out, “Katacus? I request your company,” Katacus having already been making his way towards the throne inclined his head at quickened his pace, “Where have you been? You were expected a quarter curl of the petal ago.”
The entire bolded section should probably be a sentence of its own, since it's connected to dialogue of both Katacus and Arres, which is very confusing.

I assume the "quarter curl of the petal" is a reference to time, but it's kinda confusing. I can so far grasp that this is a fantasy or historical piece, so phrases like this are to be expected, but you have to realize that the readers aren't in either setting so will need time to get acquainted to the world you're creating. Feel free to use such phrases in the future, but wait until we know what to expect.

“Your highness, there was a problem with some of our workers,” Katacus stated, and added speaking in an undertone “I assume you know which ones?”
Since you broke the dialogue with an action tag, we know that the second line of dialogue was "added". You could try "Katacus stated, slipping into an undertone,".

Arres sighed, it had been getting worse lately. He eyed his trusted advisor with an accusing gaze, that seemed to express a thought he was rapidly tiring of; and you still cannot deal with it? Katacus waited for a verbal response from the king who continued to watch him in a weary, frustrated manner. The advisor’s appearance was much diminished by the whimsical costume he had chosen, a pointy hat with a long flowing robe. On other Ampharos it would have made for an amusing gait but Katacus was pure white, an albino, and often bore a solemn expression.
If the advisor is trusted, than the Arres looking at him with an "accusing gaze" is kind of contradictory... If you keep it, you could state that "Arres looked at him with newfound suspicion".

Also, lol. Katacus is a Pokemon.

***

The young Vigoroth gazed ahead, dreamily content, it was clear he relished the idea of power and would be a king after his own father’s heart. Katacus lead him to a small chamber that was poorly furnished; a straw sleeping palette in the right corner, a poorly constructed, wooden chair and table stood adjacent to the left wall and the dank, earthy smell of a ground type clung to the air.
At this point I must assume that since Arres' son is a Pokemon, that he himself is also a Pokemon. Your earlier description of the king as a "simian" Vigoroth is now confusing. I thought you were describing a Pokemon off to the side for no reason.

When you start to describe the room, a colon rather than semi-colon would work better.

“He shall not be long,” the Ampharos explained, “But there is something he would like me to tell you about, a story if you will,” Katacus stopped a moment noticing the prince’s huffy face, “ Not a bedtime story I am afraid. Now, I’m sure you know a lot of the main history of our people, but what I have to tell you is not something ordinary citizens know. Now, there are some tasks a pokémon simply does not have the… Dexterity to do. Which is why we keep a group of workers to do some… Of our tasks,” the older male took a moment’s pause to gauge the prince’s expression. Like his father he was never one to express shock or surprise, for they considered it a sign of weakness, “No if we hadn’t… Helped this race they could have gained some sort of primitive intelligence and sought to attack us,” Katacus paused he found it difficult to tell a tale he didn’t fully believe, these… Animals could never be more intelligent than a common pidgey, “ So we took control of them… Made them a more… Manageable number,” at this point the King entered behind his son, Katacus gave a small inclination of his head before continuing , “And to this day we monitor their breeding and use them as a… Workforce. Otherwise they would have no other reason to be,” the advisor concluded.

[QUOTE=Paithan Quindiniar;5067877]Arres tapped his son on the shoulder and silently motioned for him to follow. He was lead into what appeared to be a dungeon of sorts. Sawl stared with somewhat distaste at the creatures he found in the cells. The were hairless, skin a pale, pink-tinged colour, apart from shaggy masses atop their heads, thin and gangly bodies that looked about ready to snap. They were segregated into groups, of what appeared to be sexes; the females having even more slender and delicate bodies and the males with a stockier build.
From the very first mention of "workers" in this scene, I knew you were talking about humans. Not saying it wasn't a surprise, but the way you constantly stress certain words made it obvious sooner than you probably meant.

I also feel you're telling, rather than showing in this instance. Writing is all about telling a story, yes, but to tell a good story... You want to get the readers involved. We like to figure things out, to be guessing with each new sentence and getting a feel of the characters. Telling us things point-blank isn't going to do that.

You actually went about this the right way for your purposes, but there are different, possible better ways if you look for them. The way Katacus started to tell the "story" I felt like he was going to tell us everything, but at the last minute you showed us they're humans and let us guess by description rather than saying so. So, just pointing that out, and maybe you could revise the former part a little to allow for more time and build-up.

***

Arres handed the key to a somewhat shaken looking Katacus as they stepped out of the dungeon.

“Father, what were those things?”

The Slaking yawned, “ I think they’re called,” the king paused, “Humans.”
That was kinda obvious, as said above. I think it kind of takes away from the shock of humans being used as slaves and then carelessly killed to add this. Ending the scene without this part would have left us a place to just sit back and go "God", but instead you tacked on what basically amounted to pointing out what a decent reader should be able to infer.


All in all, a good work. I liked reading it and would be interested in seeing more in the future, if you're up to that. Only major issue was you had a habit of extending sentences too long and making run-ons, when a carefully-placed semi-colon or making two sentences instead of one would suit much better.

Daydream
September 3rd, 2009, 05:57 AM
Wow. Thanks a lot, this'll prove great help. Few things though:-

(Thoughts are generally differentiated by italicizing)

That was in italics originally, that was just a formatting error I had, not being used to the forums.

I assume the "quarter curl of the petal" is a reference to time

Yep. It's not necessarily that it's fantasy or historical, but Pokemon are bound to have different technologies to humans. I do intend to explain the petal thing... Somehow.

Also, lol. Katacus is a Pokemon

Haha. Yeah, but I thought this would have been a given at this point though. o.o

At this point I must assume that since Arres' son is a Pokemon, that he himself is also a Pokemon. Your earlier description of the king as a "simian" Vigoroth is now confusing.

Maybe you misread? I do say,near the beginning, that King Arres is a Slaking and Slaking is a monkey, no? o_o

But really thanks a lot for taking the time, I'll have a go at working on some of the things you pointed out.

Edit: Another thing.

The entire bolded section should probably be a sentence of its own, since it's connected to dialogue of both Katacus and Arres, which is very confusing.

It's only Arres dialogue? I'm not sure I get your meaning here.

Redstar
September 3rd, 2009, 12:21 PM
Maybe you misread? I do say,near the beginning, that King Arres is a Slaking and Slaking is a monkey, no? o_o
The way you worded that part in no way made me think you were describing the king. I just thought you were describing a court pet or something. But seeing your changes makes it more clear.

Edit: Another thing.

It's only Arres dialogue? I'm not sure I get your meaning here.
That sentence was connected to both dialogues with a comma, when they should be separated. Dialogue is a thought of its own and when the character changes, so must the sentence. New character, new sentence.


And no problem. It was short enough and interesting enough, so I thought I'd take out some time and give it what it deserved.

Daydream
September 3rd, 2009, 12:45 PM
Okay maybe I should reword it, but the part you have bolded is still Arres speaking, hence why there was no new line.

so I thought I'd take out some time and give it what it deserved.

You made me blush. =3

Redstar
September 3rd, 2009, 12:48 PM
Okay maybe I should reword it, but the part you have bolded is still Arres speaking, hence why there was no new line.
Ah. You're right. My confusion stemmed from you starting with an action tag attributed to Arres, then Arres' dialogue, then an action tag attributed to Katacus, then back to Arres' dialogue. When you're dealing with dialogue, try to make the action tags clear so we know who's saying what and doing what.