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View Full Version : Legend of Elements [M]


daydreambeliever
September 5th, 2009, 03:27 AM
Hello and welcome.

Rated: M (because of future scenes that I would like to include but we shall see)
Style: Adventure, Romance
Plot: Seven eevees are given to seven different children, who raise them and befriend them. When they are older, they find out that their eevee are more special than they think. They must band together to stop forces of evil, also known as Team Element, from taking over the world.

Our Seven Heros:
Nevada
Dylan
Aidan
Mana
Darcy
Maggie
Savannah

And our story... Enjoy!

---

Prologue
Nothing could destroy the sense of pride that he felt at this moment. The once packed halls of which he was walking, were now still and lifeless. Black shadows filled the empty spaces, slim glimmers of light filtering through the many metal doors that he passed on his way. The little light made it difficult for him to see where he was placing his feet but thankfully, he had walked these confusing corridors multiple times and knew exactly where the flights of stairs began, where the passageway took an awkward turn and where, most importantly, the room that he had ordered to deliver the chest was located. It wasn’t everyday that something like this fell into the hands of the team, and by the look of its elaborate casing, which showcased several dazzling emeralds and sapphires, what ever was housed in the chest would be of extreme importance to the Commanders and to the Boss.

The reason why he, of all the grunts, was chosen to personally to bring the chest to them was puzzling. He had done nothing that could have attracted attention; his job in the team was to program the computers and work on gathering information. He only worked along side three other grunts and he was positive none of them even knew his name. When an admin strolled into his cubicle today, booming out his name with a tremendously loud voice, he was giving quite a fright, certain there was some kind of mistake. Never would he have imagined when he woke up this morning that he would be carrying a chest of such bewitching qualities to the head of the team.

He was approaching the delivery point at an alarming pace, his daydreaming making time seem shorter than it actually was. After passing through security, he was told of the change of rooms and was given directions to the Boss’ own personal office, by a grunt who have seemed to have spent too many hours at the gym, his biceps bugling from underneath his team uniform. Once he had asked the muscular grunt for the directions a third time, he proceeded to advance down the hollow hallway, which was now home to huge and extravagant frames depicting still images of his boss, looking mighty and powerful. Normally, paintings like this made him fill up with honour, the words of the team oath spilling out off his tongue, but with the darkness washing over the paintings, he felt a sense of fear rush through him, like there was something to dislike about their leader. It seemed to gradually become darker as he walked further through the corridor, and finally, he could see the office door at the end.

Many rumors floated through his work place, rumors concerning the Boss’ office. One was that the door of the office was made out of solid gold; another was that chiseled into its shimmy delight was the images of the Boss’ Pokémon, all with terrible expressions on their faces, scaring anyone that was to look at them. Before he even had time to panic about the possibility, he had reached the door and found the rumors were false, just like he had thought when they had been passed around. The door was not made out of solid gold, but out of titanium, the same as all the other doors in the base. There was no engraving in the door, no monstrous Pokémon, nothing to be afraid of. The only difference that he could spot out from the other doors was the fact this one had a diamond door handle. He examined it, studying the jewel carefully to determine if it was fake or real. After a hard look, he concluded the diamond may be in fact real and became too scared to turn the handle, fearing he could, in some way, break the precious jewel and feel the wrath of a commander or worse, of the Boss.

That’s when the door opened, all by itself, leaving him stunned and anxious. No one appeared out of the doorway, not even a sound could be heard from behind it. Not knowing whether to move or stay put, he contemplated his actions and took a chance, shifting his feet slowly towards the entrance of the office. As he entered, he could see a faint light hanging from the ceiling, not all that far away from him. Other than the light, everything was pitch-black. It was strangely silent and he wondered if he had gone to the wrong room.

Suddenly, a bright light to his left switched on, startling him and nearly making him drop the chest he thought he was holding so firmly in his hands. In the light was a man, standing still, his brown eyes staring at him, a smirk across his pale face, almost as if he was waiting for him to do something stupid. His gelled black hair reflected light off it, making it look like he had just come out of a Motown album cover. They stood there, staring at each other for Arceus knows how long, before the man broke his stare and turned to his right to look at something in the darkness.

Another light switched on, this time, to the right of the grunt and there appeared a woman with extremely bright red hair, tied up in a tight ponytail. Her green eyes shone and if he had seen her out on the street, he would have thought her a kind lady but standing there in her team uniform, she looked like a devil, someone not to be messed with. She remained silent for some time too, looking him up and down, hands on her hips, as if she may find something else than what she was actually looking at. He was beginning to feel uncomfortable with her stare and when she read the expression on his face, she giggled.


‘Not scared, are you?’ she spoke, breaking the silence in the room. He didn’t know what to say, words not finding their way out of his mouth. Instead, he shook his head, praying to leave this place sooner than later. ‘Nothing to be scared of, grunt, I assure you.’ She was now walking towards him, her brilliant white teeth sparkling as she smiled. ‘Is that the chest of legends?’ He had never been told the exactly name of the chest, or even if the chest had a name. All he had been told by the admin that gave him the chest was that it was to be handed to a Commander who would give it to the Boss.


‘It is of extreme importance that this chest is delivered into safe hands,’ the admin had told him, his eyes looking at him harshly. ‘You got that, grunt?’ he hissed, sipping out the last word as if it was something hideous and gross. Looking at the lady in front of him now, he wasn’t all that sure she was the ‘safe hands’, thinking she didn’t seem like someone who he would trust. She was growing closer, her eyes now stuck on the chest.

‘Ebony,’ yelled a deep voice, causing the woman to stop dead in her tracks. The grunt turned around, trying to make of where the voice had come from. ‘Corbett,’ the voice yelled again.


‘Everything is fine, Kieran,’ said the black-haired man, who hadn’t moved from underneath the light. ‘The grunt has the chest, we can now proceed.’ That’s when another man appeared, this time in the shadows. The grunt could make out that he was tall, taller than the other two and that he was wearing the team uniform.


‘Can we start already?’ cried the woman named Ebony, impatiently. The man in the shadows moved slightly, a small amount of light hitting his electric blue hair.


‘We will start when the Boss arrives,’ the man in the shadows snapped, sharply turning his head towards Ebony.


‘I am already here, Kieran,’ said a feminine voice, and suddenly, another woman appeared in the room, standing underneath the dim light that the grunt had first seen when he had entered the office. The grunt recognized the woman, knowing exactly who she was, and even though the sight of her was meant to send fear into the hearts of the general public, she seemed more intimidating in real life. She was a truly beautiful woman, her variation of the team uniform hugging her curves perfectly, her wavy brunette hair resting on her sun-kissed skin, glowing even in the limited light. He couldn’t help but stare, but when her deep brown eyes meet his, his cheeks became flushed and he had to shy away, hoping she didn’t notice. Instead, she laughed, her delicate hand covering her mouth. ‘Leo, glad you can be here, with us,’ she said, a wide smile on her face. She started to walk towards him, her hips swaying. He swallowed nervously as she continued towards him, his brow starting to sweat. ‘Leo, please.’ She was only a metre away from him now and he could see why they called her ‘Boss.’ Even with her brilliant features she had a sense of strength about her, the way she spoke showing her importance, the way she looked at some one showing them that she was superior. He was now feeling weak in the knees, her face centimetres away from his own.


‘Boss, we need to move on,’ said Kieran, moving out of the shadows. Leo might have noticed Kieran’s blood-red eyes staring at him if his own eyes weren’t held by the Boss’. ‘If we don’t have…’


‘Have the chest in a safe place before they notice it is gone, we could lose it,’ finished Ebony, cutting Kieran off mid-sentence. ‘Please, Boss. Just take it out of that grunt’s sweaty palms now, before he drops it.’ Leo concluded that Ebony had a sour personality but had to agree that she was right. He needed to get rid of this chest soon. His palms were sweating like crazy, making the chest slip out of his fingertips at times and he wasn’t all that comfortable with remaining in this dark room with 4 hostile people, of which whom he was sure all disliked his company even more than he disliked theirs. With one swift motion, his aching arms relaxed and he could stand straight again, the chest in the Boss’ hands.


‘Such a stunning chest,’ commented the Boss, her eyes fixated on the sparkling gems and slowly, she ran her thin fingers over the polished hardwood. ‘The chest of legends, in my own hands,’ she whispered as she examined the chest’s old golden lock. The other people in the room remained still, watching the Boss’ every move. Snapping out of her trance, the Boss looked Leo, his cheeks on fire yet again. ‘Do you have any idea what this chest contains?’ she asked him, words yet again not finding their way out. ‘Well,’ she paused, turning her head slightly to the side. ‘Do you?’


‘Nnn… Nnn… No, your excellence,’ Leo stumbled with his words, unsure of how to answer. ‘I do not know.’


‘Ha,’ scoffed Ebony. ‘Why should a mere grunt like you know what is in the chest?’ She was starting to remind him of the admin he had the unfortunate pleasure to meet this morning, the way she hissed like a viper at those less ranked than her. Maybe those two were related and if not, they would make a great couple.


‘Not even you know what is in the chest, Ebony,’ said the man with the sleek black hair. Ebony snarled and stared at the man, a deadly expression on her face.


‘No fighting please,’ interrupted the Boss, shaking her head. ‘I will have none of that.’


‘Yes, Boss,’ said Ebony and Corbett at the same time. ‘Sorry, Boss.’ A moment of silence filled the dark room before the Boss spoke again.

‘Kieran, get the lock breaker.’ The Boss walked away from Leo, leaving him feeling highly uncomfortable with the fact that Ebony was the closest to him. Kieran nodded and disappeared into the shadows. The Boss was under the dim lighting again and almost as if it had appeared out of thin air, a skinny wooden table became the centre piece of a meeting; Ebony, Corbett, Kieran gathering around it.


‘What a beautiful lock,’ commented Ebony.


‘Shame we don’t have the key,’ snickered Corbett, watching Kieran snap the lock clean of the chest.


‘We actually do,’ added Kieran, picking up the broken lock. ‘I just thought this would be more fun.’


‘Quiet, all of you,’ said the Boss loudly, commanding attention. From where Leo was standing, he could only see a limited amount of what was going on at the table, but he could see the Boss taking something out of the chest and holding it in her hands. Leo had wondered, even since the chest had been put under his protection, what was actually inside of it and now it seemed as if he was going to get a chance to find out. ‘Here it is,’ proclaimed the Boss, holding the object high. ‘The Legend of Elements!’ Kieran smiled with pride, one hand firmly on his hip, Corbett looked in awe and Ebony stood still, examining it with her eyes. All Leo could see was a piece of brown parchment and thought for a moment that they could be seeing something he was not. He had expected a golden crown or a sacred relic of some kind, not a piece of old paper.


‘Read it Boss,’ said Corbett eagerly. ‘What does the legend say?’


‘What I have always thought it would say, Corbett,’ answered the Boss, her focus purely on the parchment.

‘May we read it?’ asked Ebony, impatient as ever. ‘I want to know what it…’ Ebony reached for the parchment and swiftly, the Boss moved it out of her reach, looking at her in disgust. Ebony bowed her head in shame and took a step away from the table, knowing that her actions were rude and disrespectful. ‘Sorry, Boss.’


‘You are forgiven, Ebony, but never act like that again. If something were to harm this scroll…’ The Boss’ face grew red with just the thought. ‘But never mind that now,’ she said, calming herself down. ‘Leo, are you still there?’ She quickly turned her head and looked over at him, the other three’s head also turning around to face him.


‘Ye… Ye… Yes, I’m here.’


‘Would you mind reading the legend out loud,’ asked the Boss sweetly, a smile on her tanned face. ‘Out loud to all of us?’ He thought there was some sort of mistake and it looked like he wasn’t the only one thinking that, the Commanders, or at least that is what Leo thought they were, were objecting to the Boss’ request.


‘Boss, not him.’


‘He is only a grunt.’


‘A mere, disgusting grunt.’


‘Silence,’ yelled the Boss, commanding the attention again. ‘I will hear no more. Leo, come here.’ This time there was no polite asking or sweet smiles, her face was as if it was made of stone, an angry frown on her beautiful face. Leo walked towards her, slowly and nervously.


‘Read it,’ she demanded, pushing the parchment in his face. He looked at the paper, his eyes squinting as he attempted to read the fancy script.


Two of royal blood,
Create seven of one.
The same yet different,
An element in each of their hearts,
To control the legends from above.
Meeting place and a sacrifice,
To give ultimate power for the ultimate fight.


‘Seven of one…’ exclaimed Corbett.


‘Element in each of their hearts…’ Ebony squealed excitingly.


‘Ultimate power for the ultimate fight…’ Kieran muttered under his breath.


‘What did I tell you?’ announced the Boss. ‘The legend is just how we predicted.’


‘So we go ahead with the plan?’ asked Kieran, taking the legend out of Leo’s hands. Leo had no clue what was going on, what the legend meant or what Kieran meant by ‘the plan.’


‘Correct. Phrase one of the plan will start tomorrow.’ The Boss turned around, her slender back facing Leo. ‘Get rid of the grunt,’ he heard her whisper to Corbett before she walked into the shadows and disappeared from view. Suddenly, a nasty grin washed over each of the Commander’s faces.

‘Do you know why you were chosen to deliver the chest, Leo?’ asked Kieran. Leo shook his head, frightened. They were closing in on him quickly, their footsteps echoing in hollow room.


‘Your auntie is a friend of ours, Leo and she told us about your childhood,’ claimed Ebony. ‘She told us of your Pokémon and its children...’


‘Its many children,’ added Corbett. Leo tried to say something but his mouth was dry and his lips weren’t moving.


‘So you are going to tell us where to find them,’ said Kieran, now only feet away from him. ‘Because if you don’t your poor little daughter and your wife will simply just…’


‘Disappear,’ hissed Ebony.


‘N… n…. No,’ piped up Leo, his body shaking. ‘You will not touch them.’


‘Oh grunt, we will. Tell us or you will never see them again.’


‘I will not tell you and you will not hurt my family,’ yelled Leo with his new found courage. Corbett chuckled.


‘He doubts us.’ Leo started to move his feet ever so slightly, getting ready for a quick get-away.


‘He won’t doubt us soon,’ stated Kieran. Better late than never, Leo sprinted towards the door way, but instead, he fell to the ground, a heavy net covering him. ‘Please don’t try that again, Leo. We would prefer if this was easier than harder.’


‘Because it will only become harder for you,’ Corbett muttered.


‘Not us,’ spat Ebony. ‘Now, tell us. Where are they?’


‘I.. I.. I have no idea what you are talking about,’ said Leo.


‘You know exactly what we are talking about. Tell or you will pay the consequences.’


‘I have no idea wha… wha… what you are talking about.’


‘Going to be difficult, huh? Fine, be difficult. Houndoom, try to show this grunt who is boss.’ Ebony reached into her back pocket and pulled out a small black ball and threw into the air. Suddenly, the ball burst open and a wash of blinding light poured out of the capsule. The light quickly fade and before Leo stood a big four legged creature with ferrous looking horns and a snarl that could compete against Ebony for the annual unnerving awards. ‘Meet my precious Houndoom,’ said Ebony. ‘Anymore dramatics and he will bite, Leo. Trust me, it will hurt.’


‘I shall not tel... tel… tell you.’

‘Leo, Leo, Leo. I’m sorry, but you give me no choice.’

Redstar
September 5th, 2009, 05:09 AM
I don't want to be a bugger, but could you format the prologue into readable paragraphs? Right now it's just too overwhelming for me to start reading.

daydreambeliever
September 5th, 2009, 03:13 PM
Sorry about that. Haven't written something in this scale for a while. Hope the changes are alright!

Redstar
September 9th, 2009, 08:53 PM
(I'm really, really sorry for taking so long to get to this review, but my completely finished post was deleted due to a loss of time token, so I had to start over)

The once packed halls of which he was walking, were now still and lifeless.
The halls are clearly the subject of this sentence, so "of which" is unnecessary. I would re-write it to something like "The once packed halls he was walking in had become still and lifeless."

Black shadows filled the empty spaces, slim glimmers of light filtering through the many metal doors that he passed on his way.
Too many descriptors in one sentence. It overwhelms and doesn't establish the setting especially much.

The reason why he, of all the grunts, was chosen to personally to bring the chest to them was puzzling.
Remove the bolded "to".

He only worked along side three other grunts and he was positive none of them even knew his name.
Alongside is one word.

Normally, paintings like this made him fill up with honour, the words of the team oath spilling out off his tongue, but with the darkness washing over the paintings, he felt a sense of fear rush through him, like there was something to dislike about their leader. It seemed to gradually become darker as he walked further through the corridor, and finally, he could see the office door at the end.
People don't suddenly gain a sense of foreboding for no particular reason, unless they're prescient and that's a theme of the piece. You'd do better to establish a mood of foreboding rather than blatantly tell us he's afraid when he had no reason to be before.

Boss’
All examples of "Boss' " should be "Boss's" or "Bosse's".

His gelled black hair reflected light off it, making it look like he had just come out of a Motown album cover.
Though we understand the band reference, why it pertains to a fictional world like Pokemon, or why this grunt of all people should know of it stretches the boundaries. Give yourself some time to establish your fic so we can get a grasp of what is different from established canon.

...he hissed, sipping out the last word...
"sipping out"?

‘Ebony,’ yelled a deep voice, causing the woman to stop dead in her tracks. The grunt turned around, trying to make of where the voice had come from. ‘Corbett,’ the voice yelled again.

‘Everything is fine, Kieran,’ said the black-haired man, who hadn’t moved from underneath the light. ‘The grunt has the chest, we can now proceed.’ That’s when another man appeared, this time in the shadows. The grunt could make out that he was tall, taller than the other two and that he was wearing the team uniform.
You've introduced three names in a short period of time. I felt like I was twisting my head left and right with each new person... And I still have no idea who those names belong to. You'd do better to give some time before introducing a new name, so we know which character to connect them with.

...with 4 hostile people...
All numbers ten and below are spelled out, while numbers above ten can be numerical (11) or spelled out (eleven).

‘Correct. Phrase one of the plan will start tomorrow.’
"Phrase" should be "phase".

The light quickly fade and before Leo stood a big four legged creature with ferrous looking horns and a snarl that could compete against Ebony for the annual unnerving awards.
"fade" should be "faded", we already know the Pokemon is a Houndoom so it's a given that it has four legs, not sure what you mean by "ferrous", and the bit about "annual unnerving awards" is too out-of-character for a narrator.


There was a lot more, but I'll have to let them go if I'm to get you a review soon enough. The piece was good, though I was mostly carried by the idea of it. I like the Eevees, so any fic that focuses on them is something I'll check out. My only qualm is using all the Eeveelutions, since the legend specifically refers to them as "Elemental". I find it hard to count the Psychic Espeon and Dark Umbreon as elemental, so you'll have to work at properly explaining how they're all of equal importance.

One thing that bugged me was the constant barrage of disgust and disprespect at the "Grunt". It's typical to define the various teams as "evil", but I don't think the structure was anything like that in the canon of the games. Note that Hitler and the other high-ranking Nazis probably didn't care much for the little guy, but they still took the time to show respect and enjoyment of the civilians and soldiers. Anything but that would not create a stabile organization.

Keep it up. I'll be sure to check out the second chapter to see more of your direction, and hopefully it suits my taste as much as everyone elses.