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View Full Version : Imps (WIP)


Emily.
September 5th, 2009, 12:13 PM
Well, I wrote this around March and April..and I haven't really worked on it since, lul. Feel free to butcher it with crit, but please be nice. XD;Imps
thriller/fantasy/horror/romance/comedy

Preface
Robert had his arms wrapped around the bleeding girl. Tears stormed down his blood stained cheeks as he stroked the girls forehead. There was nothing he could do to help her, her death was going to hit him hard. The rain blurred out his eyes, as Robert shivered in the rain his head fell back onto the gravestone pillow behind him. All he had wanted to do was visit his Grandfather, but of course some bizarre monster had lurched out at them. Anna was going to die. Robert’s head fell back against the stone as he lost consciousness. His dead girlfriend in his arms.
Robert awoke in a room full of blinding fluorescent lights, and stark white walls. Someone who looked like a doctor wandered towards him.
“Hello there. I’m Doctor James Anderson, you can call me James. What’s your name? and the girl that was with you?”
Robert’s head lolled slightly to the side when he gurgled, “I Rober.. Anna..”
The doctor fiddled with the machines beside Robert. Rob’s body jolted upright, his face flared with red with panic striking through his eyes.
“Anna? Where is she? She was dying!” As he shouted the words out in a flurry he fell back against the pillows, sobbing. “She’s dead isn’t she? I’ve lost her. I don’t want to lose her.”
James lowered himself onto the cream armchair, and look at Robert with still calamity in his eyes. He spoke quietly, in a hushed voice. “I’m sorry. We where unable to save her.”
Robert screeched out as if something had hit him. “NO! How can it be? It should be me!”
Doctor Anderson stood up to leave. “I’m sorry,” Was all that he said on his way out of the ward.

Chapter One
I was jogging, near sprinting through the narrow backstreet. A single crystal star shimmered in the cerulean sky. As I ran to left around the dark corner, careful not to get to close to the stale London brick walls, I noticed a gut-wrenching smell. It was horrid, but of course the stench was the load of rubbish beside the bins - with the rats scurrying all over it. To stop myself from gagging I continued down the alleyway towards the orange spill of light from the street lamp.

Just as I was near enough to the opening a shadow loomed towards me. Hell knew what it was, I sure didn’t. As the silhouette neared me I realised it was a woman. She was most likely my own age or around that, but she was… amazing. Her face small, almost heart-shaped; her chocolate hair shimmered in the moon light as I caught glimpses of sapphire streaked through her hair. Her gaze locked onto me. The girl’s eyes were dark - a deep hazel. I had no idea what to expect. What exactly would a girl like her want to be doing in this hideously murky alleyway? Why exactly was I in this side street? I couldn’t even remember. An unrelenting growl escaped from her chest as she lunged towards me. The girl’s – no - the thing’s arms shot out around my neck. She whispered in my ear with a cutthroat voice.
“Move and I kill you. Explain and I take you back. You choose. Imprisonment or death.”
I stammered the obvious reply, “Take me back.”
I had now realised why I was here. In this disgusting alley, I was here because I was escaping, from those beasts. It had been horrendous. Something heavy clouted the top of my head and I felt the darkness come closer, imprisoning me in a cell of pain. The voice whispered, only it was gentle this time, it was calm and it said, “I love you, Robert. Don’t blame -”
I didn’t hear the end of her sentence. I had fallen into a deep sleep; I’d lost consciousness.

After what I presumed was umpteen hours, I awoke. The room I was in was dark. And smelt like damp wood. The arid smell of moisture hung in the air, a fire crackled at the end of the bed I was lying on. I moved ever so slightly to get nearer to the fire. I arched my back and attempted to hoist myself upright - I wished to view the fire and watch the sparks fly. But of course, my luck was soiled as a gentle whisper breathed in my ear.
“Do not move. It will hurt you. Please understand me.”
The voice was distinctively recognisable as the girl - beast - from earlier. Fortuitously, I was alive and able. I lowered myself back to the bed, groaning like a petulant child.
Refusing to give into childish instincts I sat up, “I’m fine. A little pain will make me stronger, really.”
There was no reply, just deep breathing from behind me. The… she, seemed to be deep in thought.
I figured that there must be something wrong with her, but I didn’t even know who she was. How could I aid her? The girl’s voice came out slightly husky for a woman at that point.
She murmured, “You want to know who I am, don’t you?”
My jaw dropped in surprise as I stared at her, my face twisted with astonishment. She shot a sarcastic retort to my expression.
“Close the barn door, you’re letting the flies in.”
Her remark caused my face to distort even more.
“I, uh, well, you see.. I just thought.”
I couldn’t even stammer out a reply. Gathering some small ounces of courage I questioned her. “You know who I am… But I don’t know you.”
“You are Robert. You are you. I am… lost. Or so to speak.”
I glanced at my surroundings, still unable to see anything clearly. All I could now see was the girl’s outline as she moved to sit at the end of the bed. The fire lit up her figure; I couldn’t look away. She noticed that too and looked at me inquisitively. I managed to meet her stare, her gaze didn’t once wither. I had a sudden urge to leap up and wrap my arms around her, and never let go. Yet I could not understand why. Beast Girl - yes, I’d decided to call her Beast Girl - leaned forward and lay onto her stomach looking up at me.
She seemed to muster all her self control together as she whispered, “You do know me. It was assumed that I was dead, you needed to move on. But you were broken and I was lost. So I came back.”
I gawked at her in reaction to her words. I had no idea what to think, so once again I watched her. Her movements were quick and graceful as she clambered over the bed post to poke the fire. I had always been a pessimist, and I knew she was dead. She was right that I knew who she was… how could she be here? Alive. I didn’t know. I couldn’t understand her. I refused to understand her actions and accept that she was back.
“Yes?” she asked me.
Was she really expecting an answer from me? I wasn’t planning on answering her. She just had an aura around her, one that was bringing me closer to her.
I didn’t want that closeness back. Ever.

She was dead. This wasn’t possible. I didn’t understand any of this, how can anyone be brought back from the dead? That was it. It was not possible. I decided it would be best to ask her. So I did.
“You were dead?” I choked on my words when I told her that I had seen her die. She had died in my arms.
“I don’t understand how you are here,” I cautiously continued, “So how are you? Here, I mean?”
The look on Bea- Anna’s face was incredulous. I didn’t want to call her Anna, the Beast in front of me isn’t my Anna. She could take any offence to me not calling her, her name. I couldn’t care less. Not now, not anymore. It took a while for her to reply. But she did, She replied, “I don’t know. But I’m different.”
“I want to go home. I don’t want it like this.” I shot back at her.
“You can’t.”
“Why not?”
“Because.”
“You never did stop being immature did you?”
“Shut up.”
“Let me leave.” I demanded.
Anna altered her position so she was sitting upright, her icy fingers held my cheeks, her stunning eyes staring into my algae green eyes - her eyes full of pain, mine filled with fright. Anna whispered, silently to me, “If you left, I’d have to kill you. I don’t want to have to do that.”
“You are dead!” I shouted out at her, With the remaining strength that I had I shoved her away from me. “You can’t do this to me again!”

Anna’s body was shaking before my eyes, as I looked at her. I couldn’t comprehend how she was so cold. It didn’t make any sense. Her body was now violently shaking before my eyes. When she had stopped shaking I was sitting curled up in a ball afraid. Her brown hair had suddenly grown and was cascading around her shoulders. Her build had altered she was taller, and slimmer her figure almost model-like. I attempted to move closer to her, I held her chin up to look at her beautiful face. It hadn’t changed.. but her eyes. Her amazing dark eyes had changed to a copper, Her pale skin a darker, tanned tone.
I leaned backwards slightly, and muttered, “What.. Are.. You?”
Anna cocked her head to the right. “I told you. I’d changed.” She stood up, to a graceful five feet nine inches, at least. Only a few inches smaller than myself. But she didn’t stop talking.
“I am an Imp.”
“A what?!” I left my jaw to drop again.
Anna cleared her throat, “Barn door. Shut it. An Imp. We’re just Imps, like a Pixie only in human form, We’re the most powerful too.” She seemed partially proud of herself, I noted. I also, did not close my mouth. I didn’t care anymore.

However, I did want to know why I couldn’t leave. Since Imps where good.. Weren’t they? I decided to ask about her feelings. Could feel? Was the I love you from before I lost consciousness genuine? It probably wasn’t the best thing to ask. I decided to anyway.
“You said you’d changed.. Can you still feel? Do you really love me?
“Yes. I do, and I can. But.. My movements can kill you. Crush you in a second. Nothing is forbidden. I just don’t want to hurt you. It‘s horrid.”
I froze in my position my face still inches from hers, Anna’s body tensed. She lowered her hands as I slid my arms around her waist.
Moving my lips to her ear I whispered, “I hope you can control it.” I must have thought wrong, as she moved away, arising to walk back to the fire. I watched her, as her intricate steps made their way to the fire. She placed more logs onto it. She shot a simple glare in my direction, tears looked as if they were prickling her eyes. But I doubted the new Anna would shed tears in front of me.
Anna’s voice was barely above a mutter when she said, “I don’t know what I can and can’t control yet. It’s only been a year.”

It then dawned on my that the day she died was precisely a year ago. A year ago I lost her, A year ago when I felt and looked like death himself.
“Why did it take you so long to get here?” I asked, curiously, picking my words warily.
“I don’t know. It was painful.” Anna’s voice was still slightly below a whisper, it was enchanting to listen to. My eyes dilated as I got up slowly, in immense agony to walk towards her.
“We could go back to before. Pretend everything’s normal. Make it better.” I told her, quietly.
“No.. I can’t. I’m too strong. I must feed on the animals in the forest outside. This is my home now.”
“I’ll stay.” I promised her. Locking my eyes on hers. Anna’s silky hair fell over her eyes, she shook it away, and looked up at me. I felt her steady arms weaken slightly as she reached up to wrap her arms around my neck.
“Would you really do that? For me?” Anna questioned, cautiously.
“Yes.” Was my simple answer.
Anna grinned at me flirtatiously, “Are you sure that’s not just the morphine talking?”
I felt the world slowly twist around me, I fell down onto the ground. Unconscious. Again.

I sensed pressure on my left arm, someone was touching it. Oh great, I wonder if the Novocaine she decided to give me has worn off. Why the heck did she give me and over dose of Novocaine anyway?
“Girls,” I sighed out loud accidentally.
A tight grip shot out and stayed on my neck - at least they weren’t digging their nails into my arm anymore. I turned to look at who happened to be Anna.
“What .. Did .. You do that for?” I asked her between gasps.
“I love you. But I hate you. I’m not choosing to do this.” She let a draught of breath leave her body, she seemed genuinely upset about what she was doing. Her body jolted itself away from me. Anna’s eyes were full of eagerness.
“I know!!” She continued talking, “We could run away! Come on. Grab your stuff.”
I stared at her blankly. “Wha’..?”
Anna still didn’t stop talking, “We can escape!!”
I spoke to her, in a slow monotone voice, “How can I run if you gave me Novocaine? My body is NUMB”
“I didn’t give you Novocaine, dumbass. I gave you Morphine. There’s a difference.” Anna grinned and winked at me casually. We were still in a cabin, in a forest, and she was protesting for me to run away somewhere with her? She had drugged me. Did she think I was insane? Or maybe she just couldn’t control her emotions. And her mood swings where awful, I noted arguing against myself. I should stop thinking. Especially with her, and her extra-ordinary thoughts and ideas. I should also, learn to block out her talking. She was still at it.
“..and we could run through the forest, to my other hut. If you’re too ill then I’ll carry you. Either way it’ll happen. Hey!! Are you listening to me?!” Great. Now she was angry.
“I’m talking to you! Do I need to knock you out again?” Anna considered pointedly. That got my attention.
“No, of course not. Why would you?” I flashed her my best smile that I could in my state.
“Good boy.”
Oh this was just peachy, I am now stuck in a cabin that is in a dark, dank, murky, horrid, okay I confess, Scary forest. With a deranged dead girlfriend. I think I preferred the alleyway.

Anna cleared her throat beside me, she was standing tall, with her back leaning against the doorframe.
“Yes?” I asked inquisitively.
“I can hear your thoughts.”
This was getting to repetitive for my personal liking. I have now come to the conclusion that Anna enjoys persecuting me. Like a child toying with a cat’s tail. My jaw had made it’s way back down my front to converse with my chest.
“Barn. Door.” Anna snarled at me between gritted teeth. I considered forcing my thoughts to project into Anna’s mind. It was worth a try, ‘Mmmm.. She looks so damned hot when she’s angry.’ Within a second of my thought her hand was grappling at my throat.
“Think that again, and I will not hesitate to kill you.”
I almost burst out laughing with her reaction, but withheld myself from doing so.
“I mean it. Do not. Ever. Do that again,” Anna spat the words out at me before laying a satin sealed kiss on my lips. I watched her carefully as she walked elegantly back to the door.
“Come on. Let’s go.”
I hoped so much that she couldn’t read my thoughts all the time. I was currently thinking that she may have a terrible plot to kill me. But then why is all this physical contact going on? Anna outstretched her hand to me, “I won’t bite.”
“Damn right you won’t.” I remarked, indignantly.
“I beg your pardon? I wouldn’t be so sure of yourself. I might.”
With that she hauled me up towards her, my arms holding onto Anna’s waist to hold myself up.
“Now I’m getting scared.” I informed her.
“Haha.. Come on, we’re going running”
Anna let go off me, so I felt my body lurch towards the door frame. I held myself up using it as I scanned the room I had been staying in. I’d barely had a chance to perceive my surroundings. The room seemed like a plain, damp log cabin. Water had recently been seeping through the right hand corner of the ceiling, farthest away from the door where I was stood. This couldn’t be Anna’s main home. It did not suit her personality. He pre-imp personality, that is. Of course, I did not know her anymore did I. I prayed silently to myself that she hadn’t changed that much. My hope was with me. The very little hope that I had.
“I don’t know what you are thinking..” Came a small whispered voice from behind me. This girl had once again had one hell of a mood change.
“I heard that.” Anna then snarled in my ear.
Her hand almost quivered in the small of my back, with a gentle shove she pushed me out the door, into the forest.

I nearly shrieked when she forced my body through the door. The forest was freezing cold. I felt the ice nearly trickling down my spine at the negative temperature outside.
“Having fun yet, sweetie pie?”
The whisper was directly in my left ear. I shuddered at the sinister sound in Anna’s voice. She really was beginning to scare me. Her mood swings weren’t natural, neither was her perfect poise. Of course she was dead before, so I couldn’t really blame her. But she seemed to be able to read my thoughts - that was something I wasn’t enjoying at all. I wasn’t going to ask her about it, that would probably get me killed even quicker. Even if she apparently loved me. Love. Like any romance was going to happen in this forest.
“You’re supposed to be following me.” Came a sharp voice belonging to Anna. I jogged slightly, the pain shooting up my leg at each footstep as I moved to catch her up. The dark, dank woods surrounding me felt like they were pressuring themselves closer, and closer to me. It wasn’t exactly… pleasant. But I guess, since this was the only option I had. I guessed that I could cope.

seeker
September 6th, 2009, 06:28 AM
I’ve read through this a couple times and I’ve really rather enjoyed it. You have some great descriptive writing and you use top notch grammar for the most part. Although it seems like I might have picked out a lot wrong, I didn’t really. I’ve found mainly minor errors or flaws and nothing that takes away from the fact that you really do, have a talent in this. You need to work on a few things, expand, and maybe work on storyline a little. All in all though if you keep up the good work you’ll get much much better.
Also on another note I would maybe put an age limit on this, maybe 14+ or so due to scenes of death and violence, as well as the general gloomy aura.

Preface
Robert had his arms wrapped around the bleeding girl. Tears stormed down his blood stained cheeks as he stroked the girls forehead. There was nothing he could do to help her, her death was going to hit him hard. The rain blurred out his eyes as Robert shivered in the rain his head fell back onto the gravestone pillow behind him. All he had wanted to do was visit his Grandfather, but of course some bizarre monster had lurched out at them. Anna was going to die. Robert’s head fell back against the stone as he lost consciousness. His dead girlfriend in his arms.“as he stroked the girls forehead” This line gives me the illusion that the man is literally sitting there stroking her forehead, it seems a little insane to me as to why he would be stroking her forehead when she’s just died. I think maybe better imagery would be if you were to say how he brushed her hair aside from her forehead as that is what I thought you had tried to show. It just puts a better picture in the readers head and makes the main character look a little less strange. So I might change that segment just a little bit. But before I go on your intro so far already anticipates ; in the sense that the reader is eager to know what has just happened and there is already suspense in the opening few lines. “The rain blurred out his eyes as Robert shivered in the rain his head fell back onto the gravestone pillow behind him.” this is a little long of a sentence to string without putting a comma in so I might put one after “as Robert shivered in the rain” because the sentence really over-flows with words. “His head fell back onto the gravestone pillow behind him” this is a good line however there’s just a little something I don’t like about it. When you say “his head fell” I think of him as if he had lost consciousness and lost control of his head as I don’t see how he would have fallen back, whether he was standing or sitting or whatever the case may be. But as I say, it’s a good line, but could have been implemented better as you gave no indication as to how he may have fallen back. I might assume that he just lot the ability to hold himself up any longer, or he’s just collapsed from tiredness but I suggest that maybe you elaborate on that, there is also a suggestion that you’ve used “pillow” as imagery for him having fallen asleep which seems unlikely to me. “ Robert’s head fell back against the stone as he lost consciousness. His dead girlfriend in his arms” this would normally be the explanation for what I’ve said above but the way you wrote this twice with different descriptions just seems as if though you’ve repeated yourself, so maybe you could merge those two lines in some way.

Robert awoke in a room full of blinding fluorescent lights, and stark white walls. Someone who looked like a doctor wandered towards him.
“Hello there. I’m Doctor James Anderson, you can call me James. What’s your name? and the girl that was with you?”
Robert’s head lolled slightly to the side when he gurgled, “I Rober.. Anna..”
The doctor fiddled with the machines beside Robert. Rob’s body jolted upright, his face flared with red with panic striking through his eyes.“looked like a doctor wandered towards him.” Given the basis on the next line, I don’t think the doctor was wandering anywhere. I know what you are trying to say but suggesting that the doctor whom, in the next line or so, seemed to know exactly what he/she was going to say before they approached Robert. So what I’m saying is, the doctor seemed to know exactly what he/she was going to say an wouldn’t be “wandering”, just a little something I picked up on. Simple word change will fix that.
“Rob’s body jolted upright” considering he was somewhat “out of it” in the previous lines I would be sceptical as to how he “jolted upright”, just seems a little strange to me. Though it would depend on the depiction of the reader as to whether they would think this is likely or not. I personally found it to be odd how one second he would be groggy and the next alert and questioning (in the next line).



“Anna? Where is she? She was dying!” As he shouted the words out in a flurry he fell back against the pillows, sobbing. “She’s dead isn’t she? I’ve lost her. I don’t want to lose her.”
James lowered himself onto the cream armchair, and look at Robert with still calamity in his eyes. He spoke quietly, in a hushed voice. “I’m sorry. We where unable to save her.”
Robert screeched out as if something had hit him. “NO! How can it be? It should be me!”
Doctor Anderson stood up to leave. “I’m sorry,” Was all that he said on his way out of the ward.

“She was dying!” this is slightly contradictory as in previous sentences you say “His dead girlfriend in his arms.”, so the reader is under the impression that she is already in fact dead and that Robert knows that too. So I’m not sure, you might want to edit that line a little. I express my same point for when he says “she’s dead , isn’t she?” etc. “James lowered himself onto the cream armchair, “, you’ve never introduced this character, so I would advise stating who he is exactly before his name is given so that the readers aren’t unaware who “James” is while they are reading up to when they get an idea of who it might be. “Doctor Anderson” would be my replacement for James. Having two names there made it seem as if they were two different people. The rest seems to be good, can’t seem to find anything wrong there. Good description just watch how you describe your scenes and make sure to properly introduce a name properly other wise it might cause confusion. Nice, neat, prologue with maybe a few minor details needing changing.


Chapter One
I was jogging, near sprinting through the narrow backstreet. A single crystal star shimmered in the cerulean sky. As I ran to left around the dark corner, careful not to get to close to the stale London brick walls, I noticed a gut-wrenching smell. It was horrid, but of course the stench was the load of rubbish beside the bins - yes, with the rats scurrying all over it. To stop myself from gagging I continued down the alleyway towards the orange spill of light from the street lamp.“A single crystal star shimmered in the cerulean sky” great line, good imagery. “It was horrid, but of course the stench was the load of rubbish beside the bins - yes, with the rats scurrying all over it.” I would maybe get rid of the “- yes” and change the sentence around a little. It looks untidy like that.
But that’s the only thing I have issue with here to be honest.

Just as I was near enough to the opening a shadow loomed towards me. Hell knew what it was, I sure didn’t. As the silhouette neared me I realised it was a woman. She was most likely my own age or around that, but she was… amazing. Her face small, almost heart-shaped; her chocolate hair shimmered in the moon light as I caught glimpses of sapphire streaked through her hair. Her gaze locked onto me. The girl’s eyes were dark - a deep hazel. I had no idea what to expect. What exactly would a girl like her want to be doing in this hideously murky alleyway? Why exactly was I in this side street? I couldn’t even remember. An unrelenting growl escaped from her chest as she lunged towards me. The girl’s – no - the thing’s arms shot out around my neck. She whispered in my ear with a cutthroat voice.“But she was… amazing” I was changed this to “stunning” as amazing isn’t really the best choice of words, it wouldn’t be a good word to describe a stranger. Having a “heart shaped face” is an interesting concept, it took me a minute or two to see what way you meant so assumed that maybe her hairline made the top of the heart while having a pointy or “thin” face have it the bottom edge, but I might be reading into it to much. You could maybe elaborate on that as I think it’s an interesting description but maybe better with a little explanation. Otherwise I quite like the description here.


“Move and I kill you. Explain and I take you back. You choose. Imprisonment or death.”
I stammered the obvious reply, “Take me back.”
I had now realised why I was here. In this disgusting alley, I was here because I was escaping, from those beasts. It had been horrendous. Something heavy clouted the top of my head and I felt the darkness come closer, imprisoning me in a cell of pain. The voice whispered, only it was gentle this time, it was calm and it said, “I love you, Robert. Don’t blame -”
I didn’t hear the end of her sentence. I had fallen into a deep sleep; I’d lost consciousness.“Explain and I take you back.” Explain might not have been what you should have chosen here, it’s not a very threatening word. It doesn’t really seen like something you should use, as who would she be explaining to? Who and why? These are some reasons I would change it. There’s a ton of words you could fit there though. “imprisoning me in a cell of pain.” I love this line, such tasty imagery if I do say so myself. Next few lines see, to be okay. Keeping within the theme and pace of the story.

After what I presumed was umpteen hours, I awoke. The room I was in was dark. And smelt like damp wood. The arid smell of moisture hung in the air, a fire crackled at the end of the bed I was lying on. I moved ever so slightly to get nearer to the fire. I arched my back and attempted to hoist myself upright - I wished to view the fire and watch the sparks fly. But of course, my luck was soiled as a gentle whisper breathed in my ear.“After what I presumed was umpteen hours, I awoke.” I’m not sure if I would use “umpteen” hours here, although this isn’t a formal description, umpteen still seems to me to be a slightly cultural word. It’s often used as slang and I just wouldn’t use it in this case given the theme. “ I arched my back and attempted to hoist myself upright - I wished to view the fire and watch the sparks fly.” just try nor to use hyphens in text, it’s better to use semi-colon’s instead. “Whisper breathed in my ear”, this just feels like somewhat of bad grammar to me, I know what you’re trying to do, but it isn’t a flowing sentence and I would change “breathed” to something else just because it breaks flow, in this context it seems to be slightly bad grammar also. Just take it into consideration. Otherwise this seems to be good.

“Do not move. It will hurt you. Please understand me.”
The voice was distinctively recognisable as the girl - beast - from earlier. Fortuitously, I was alive and able. I lowered myself back to the bed, groaning like a petulant child.
Refusing to give into childish instincts I sat up, “I’m fine. A little pain will make me stronger, really.”
There was no reply, just deep breathing from behind me. The… she, seemed to be deep in thought.
I figured that there must be something wrong with her, but I didn’t even know who she was. How could I aid her? The girl’s voice came out slightly husky for a woman at that point.Just change the -’s to something else, hyphens tend to be bad format unless they are separating words like “x-ray”. Other than that I couldn’t pick anything out which could be changed there.


She murmured, “You want to know who I am, don’t you?”
My jaw dropped in surprise as I stared at her, my face twisted with astonishment. She shot a sarcastic retort to my expression.
“Close the barn door, you’re letting the flies in.”
Her remark caused my face to distort even more.
“I, uh, well, you see.. I just thought.”
I couldn’t even stammer out a reply. Gathering some small ounces of courage I questioned her. “You know who I am… But I don’t know you.”
“You are Robert. You are you. I am… lost. Or so to speak.”
Seems fine but I might just change “I am… lost. Or so to speak.” to “I am… lost, so to speak.”, as it reads a little better,


I glanced at my surroundings, still unable to see anything clearly. All I could now see was the girl’s outline as she moved to sit at the end of the bed. The fire lit up her figure; I couldn’t look away. She noticed that too and looked at me inquisitively. I managed to meet her stare, her gaze didn’t once wither. I had a sudden urge to leap up and wrap my arms around her, and never let go. Yet I could not understand why. Beast Girl - yes, I’d decided to call her Beast Girl - leaned forward and lay onto her stomach looking up at me.
She seemed to muster all her self control together as she whispered, “You do know me. It was assumed that I was dead, you needed to move on. But you were broken and I was lost. So I came back.”
I gawked at her in reaction to her words. I had no idea what to think, so once again I watched her. Her movements were quick and graceful as she clambered over the bed post to poke the fire. I had always been a pessimist, and I knew she was dead. She was right that I knew who she was… how could she be here? Alive. I didn’t know. I couldn’t understand her. I refused to understand her actions and accept that she was back.“She noticed that too and looked at me inquisitively.” I’m not sure I like this line as I don’t really comprehend as to what she noticed, was it the fact that the main character couldn’t avert his gaze? I’m just guessing as you didn’t give too much indication as to what she had noticed exactly. I suggest adding a few words in there or another line to describe what the “beast-girl” was doing. Mention her body language, even if there is only an outline, the main character should be able to tell what stance she is in. “Beast Girl - yes, I’d decided to call her Beast Girl - leaned forward and lay onto her stomach looking up at me.” again this line doesn’t read very well. You should find another way to show that he had called her “beast girl”, even something simple as “The Beast Girl leaned forward” or without the capitalisation even. “I had always been a pessimist, and I knew she was dead.”, you see, saying that Robert is a pessimist shouldn’t be followed by a fact. If he “knew” that she was dead, the fact that he is a pessimist wouldn’t affect anything. Try implementing this in, in another way. Something like “I knew she was dead. I thought that it was never possible for me to ever see her again. But then again I’ve always had a pessimistic view on things.” or something along those lines. Change “She was right that I knew who she was…” to “She was right, I knew who she was…” because it’s better grammar and punctuation is needed in that sentence.

“Yes?” she asked me.
Was she really expecting an answer from me? I wasn’t planning on answering her. She just had an aura around her, one that was bringing me closer to her.
I didn’t want that closeness back. Ever.

She was dead. This wasn’t possible. I didn’t understand any of this, how can anyone be brought back from the dead? That was it. It was not possible. I decided it would be best to ask her. So I did.
“You were dead?” I choked on my words when I told her that I had seen her die. She had died in my arms” I don’t understand how you are here,” I cautiously continued, “So how are you? Here, I mean?”
The look on Bea- Anna’s face was incredulous. I didn’t want to call her Anna, the Beast in front of me isn’t my Anna. She could take any offence to me not calling her, her name. I couldn’t care less. Not now, not anymore. It took a while for her to reply. But she did, She replied, “I don’t know. But I’m different.”
“I want to go home. I don’t want it like this.” I shot back at her.
“You can’t.”
“Why not?”
“Because.”
“You never did stop being immature did you?”
“Shut up.”
“Let me leave.” I demanded.
Anna altered her position so she was sitting upright, her icy fingers held my cheeks, her stunning eyes staring into my algae green eyes - her eyes full of pain, mine filled with fright. Anna whispered, silently to me, “If you left, I’d have to kill you. I don’t want to have to do that.”
“You are dead!” I shouted out at her, With the remaining strength that I had I shoved her away from me. “You can’t do this to me again!”Change “She just had an aura around her, one that was bringing me closer to her.” to “She just had an aura around her, one which drew me closer.” or something like that as it reads better. “I didn’t want that closeness back. Ever.” I might advise changing the word closeness to something else. Try “attraction” or a word similar to it as closeness isn’t a great word in my opinion, not for creative writing at least. “She was dead.” put was in italics as you are trying to hint the fact that there is a possibility that she is alive again now. “This wasn’t possible” “It was not possible.” avoid using two similar statements like these so close to each other, I would suggest changing the second one to something else. “You were dead?” I choked on my words when I told her that I had seen her die.” you’ve said Robert choked on his words when he seen her die yet, he said “You were dead” so change that to something like, “You were dead,. You bled in my arms”. Then erase “She had died in my arms” if you’re going to do that. “stunning eyes staring into my algae green eyes - her eyes full of pain” Too many “eyes“, you might want to change that around a bit. Over use of a word in a sentence really breaks a readers flow and can end up taking them out of their trance within the storyline. Sometimes you’d like your reader to really be drawn in and forget the world around them, and making errors can throw them off, then they have to read back to comprehend. Trust me It’s happened to me on occasion and it’s something a writer should avoid.



Anna’s body was shaking before my eyes, as I looked at her. I couldn’t comprehend how she was so cold. It didn’t make any sense. Her body was now violently shaking before my eyes. When she had stopped shaking I was sitting curled up in a ball afraid. Her brown hair had suddenly grown and was cascading around her shoulders. Her build had altered she was taller, and slimmer her figure almost model-like. I attempted to move closer to her, I held her chin up to look at her beautiful face. It hadn’t changed.. but her eyes. Her amazing dark eyes had changed to a copper, Her pale skin a darker, tanned tone.
I leaned backwards slightly, and muttered, “What.. Are.. You?”
Anna cocked her head to the right. “I told you. I’d changed.” She stood up, to a graceful five feet nine inches, at least. Only a few inches smaller than myself. But she didn’t stop talking.
“I am an Imp.”
“A what?!” I left my jaw to drop again.
Anna cleared her throat, “Barn door. Shut it. An Imp. We’re just Imps, like a Pixie only in human form, We’re the most powerful too.” She seemed partially proud of herself, I noted. I also, did not close my mouth. I didn’t care anymore.“Anna’s body was shaking before my eyes, as I looked at her. I couldn’t comprehend how she was so cold. It didn’t make any sense. Her body was now violently shaking before my eyes. When she had stopped shaking I was sitting curled up in a ball afraid” just a slight over use of the word “shaking” could be changed or you could alter the sentence a little. “We’re just Imps, like a Pixie only in human form, We’re the most powerful too.”, we’re shouldn’t be capitalised.

However, I did want to know why I couldn’t leave. Since Imps where good.. Weren’t they? I decided to ask about her feelings. Could feel? Was the I love you from before I lost consciousness genuine? It probably wasn’t the best thing to ask. I decided to anyway.
“You said you’d changed.. Can you still feel? Do you really love me?
“Yes. I do, and I can. But.. My movements can kill you. Crush you in a second. Nothing is forbidden. I just don’t want to hurt you. It‘s horrid.”
I froze in my position my face still inches from hers, Anna’s body tensed. She lowered her hands as I slid my arms around her waist.
Moving my lips to her ear I whispered, “I hope you can control it.” I must have thought wrong, as she moved away, arising to walk back to the fire. I watched her, as her intricate steps made their way to the fire. She placed more logs onto it. She shot a simple glare in my direction, tears looked as if they were prickling her eyes. But I doubted the new Anna would shed tears in front of me.
Anna’s voice was barely above a mutter when she said, “I don’t know what I can and can’t control yet. It’s only been a year.”“Could feel?” I think you’re missing word here. “Was the I love you from before I lost consciousness genuine” Put I love you into quotes, so “I love you”, because it’s something that had been said before so he’s quoting what had been said. And that is all I could find there.

It then dawned on my that the day she died was precisely a year ago. A year ago I lost her, A year ago when I felt and looked like death himself.
“Why did it take you so long to get here?” I asked, curiously, picking my words warily.
“I don’t know. It was painful.” Anna’s voice was still slightly below a whisper, it was enchanting to listen to. My eyes dilated as I got up slowly, in immense agony to walk towards her.
“We could go back to before. Pretend everything’s normal. Make it better.” I told her, quietly.
“No.. I can’t. I’m too strong. I must feed on the animals in the forest outside. This is my home now.”
“I’ll stay.” I promised her. Locking my eyes on hers. Anna’s silky hair fell over her eyes, she shook it away, and looked up at me. I felt her steady arms weaken slightly as she reached up to wrap her arms around my neck.
“Would you really do that? For me?” Anna questioned, cautiously.
“Yes.” Was my simple answer.
Anna grinned at me flirtatiously, “Are you sure that’s not just the morphine talking?”
I felt the world slowly twist around me, I fell down onto the ground. Unconscious. Again.“A year ago when I felt and looked like death himself.”, put a comma after “A year ago” and erase “when”. That reads a little more clearly. But the rest is fine. I like the last few lines, “Anna grinned at me flirtatiously, “Are you sure that’s not just the morphine talking?”
I felt the world slowly twist around me, I fell down onto the ground. Unconscious. Again.”, I thought they were quite sweet & chilling at the same time.

I sensed pressure on my left arm, someone was touching it. Oh great, I wonder if the Novocaine she decided to give me has worn off. Why the heck did she give me and over dose of Novocaine anyway?
“Girls,” I sighed out loud accidentally.
A tight grip shot out and stayed on my neck - at least they weren’t digging their nails into my arm anymore. I turned to look at who happened to be Anna.
“What .. Did .. You do that for?” I asked her between gasps.
“I love you. But I hate you. I’m not choosing to do this.” She let a draught of breath leave her body, she seemed genuinely upset about what she was doing. Her body jolted itself away from me. Anna’s eyes were full of eagerness.
“I know!!” She continued talking, “We could run away! Come on. Grab your stuff.”
I stared at her blankly. “Wha’..?”
Anna still didn’t stop talking, “We can escape!!”
I spoke to her, in a slow monotone voice, “How can I run if you gave me Novocaine? My body is NUMB”“A tight grip shot out and stayed on my neck - at least they weren’t digging their nails into my arm anymore.” replace the “-” with a semi-colon. Seems to be the only mistake there.

“I didn’t give you Novocaine, dumbass. I gave you Morphine. There’s a difference.” Anna grinned and winked at me casually. We were still in a cabin, in a forest, and she was protesting for me to run away somewhere with her? She had drugged me. Did she think I was insane? Or maybe she just couldn’t control her emotions. And her mood swings where awful, I noted arguing against myself. I should stop thinking. Especially with her, and her extra-ordinary thoughts and ideas. I should also, learn to block out her talking. She was still at it.
“..and we could run through the forest, to my other hut. If you’re too ill then I’ll carry you. Either way it’ll happen. Hey!! Are you listening to me?!” Great. Now she was angry.
“I’m talking to you! Do I need to knock you out again?” Anna considered pointedly. That got my attention.
“No, of course not. Why would you?” I flashed her my best smile that I could in my state.
“Good boy.”
Oh this was just peachy, I am now stuck in a cabin that is in a dark, dank, murky, horrid, okay I confess, Scary forest. With a deranged dead girlfriend. I think I preferred the alleyway.“We were still in a cabin, in a forest,” I would have mentioned the location briefly beforehand also. Maybe back at the beginning of the chapter. Robert could maybe describe his surroundings to give the reader some sort of idea of the location. Other wide the reader might conjure up another idea as to where they are (like a cave or something) then get thrown off. It always good to keep a well described setting where events will occur. “And her” try not to begin a sentence with and, it’s like starting a sentence with “because“. “Oh this was just peachy, I am now stuck in a cabin that is in a dark, dank, murky, horrid, okay I confess, Scary forest. With a deranged dead girlfriend. I think I preferred the alleyway.” I like how you’ve changed the theme from dark, to quite, humorous. You built it up nicely so at least there wasn’t a sudden change in theme.

Anna cleared her throat beside me, she was standing tall, with her back leaning against the doorframe.
“Yes?” I asked inquisitively.
“I can hear your thoughts.”
This was getting to repetitive for my personal liking. I have now come to the conclusion that Anna enjoys persecuting me. Like a child toying with a cat’s tail. My jaw had made it’s way back down my front to converse with my chest.
“Barn. Door.” Anna snarled at me between gritted teeth. I considered forcing my thoughts to project into Anna’s mind. It was worth a try, ‘Mmmm.. She looks so damned hot when she’s angry.’ Within a second of my thought her hand was grappling at my throat.
“Think that again, and I will not hesitate to kill you.”
I almost burst out laughing with her reaction, but withheld myself from doing so.
“I mean it. Do not. Ever. Do that again,” Anna spat the words out at me before laying a satin sealed kiss on my lips. I watched her carefully as she walked elegantly back to the door.
“Come on. Let’s go.”
I hoped so much that she couldn’t read my thoughts all the time. I was currently thinking that she may have a terrible plot to kill me. But then why is all this physical contact going on? Anna outstretched her hand to me, “I won’t bite.”
“Damn right you won’t.” I remarked, indignantly.
“I beg your pardon? I wouldn’t be so sure of yourself. I might.”
With that she hauled me up towards her, my arms holding onto Anna’s waist to hold myself up.
“Now I’m getting scared.” I informed her.
“Haha.. Come on, we’re going running”
Anna let go off me, so I felt my body lurch towards the door frame. I held myself up using it as I scanned the room I had been staying in. I’d barely had a chance to perceive my surroundings. The room seemed like a plain, damp log cabin. Water had recently been seeping through the right hand corner of the ceiling, farthest away from the door where I was stood. This couldn’t be Anna’s main home. It did not suit her personality. He pre-imp personality, that is. Of course, I did not know her anymore did I. I prayed silently to myself that she hadn’t changed that much. My hope was with me. The very little hope that I had


“I don’t know what you are thinking..” Came a small whispered voice from behind me. This girl had once again had one hell of a mood change.
“I heard that.” Anna then snarled in my ear.
Her hand almost quivered in the small of my back, with a gentle shove she pushed me out the door, into the forest..Change “This was getting to repetitive for my personal liking.” to “This was getting far too repetitive for my personal liking.” firstly because it reads better and secondly because you said “to” instead of “too”. “pre-imp” You capitalised “Imp” already so I would suggest changing that to “pre-Imp”.
“in the small of my back” I don’t quite comprehend what you meant by this. I’ve never heard of “the small” in someone’s back. So maybe you made a mistake, on the other hand it just may be me. So just take that into consideration. That’s the last thing I noticed here.

I nearly shrieked when she forced my body through the door. The forest was freezing cold. I felt the ice nearly trickling down my spine at the negative temperature outside.
“Having fun yet, sweetie pie?”
The whisper was directly in my left ear. I shuddered at the sinister sound in Anna’s voice. She really was beginning to scare me. Her mood swings weren’t natural, neither was her perfect poise. Of course she was dead before, so I couldn’t really blame her. But she seemed to be able to read my thoughts - that was something I wasn’t enjoying at all. I wasn’t going to ask her about it, that would probably get me killed even quicker. Even if she apparently loved me. Love. Like any romance was going to happen in this forest.
“You’re supposed to be following me.” Came a sharp voice belonging to Anna. I jogged slightly, the pain shooting up my leg at each footstep as I moved to catch her up. The dark, dank woods surrounding me felt like they were pressuring themselves closer, and closer to me. It wasn’t exactly… pleasant. But I guess, since this was the only option I had. I guessed that I could cope.Don’t see anything wrong here at all.
Good chapter. Now I have to hurry and post this because somebody’s impatient D:
Let me know if you need me to elaborate

Emily.
September 6th, 2009, 07:21 AM
I’ve read through this a couple times and I’ve really rather enjoyed it. You have some great descriptive writing and you use top notch grammar for the most part. Although it seems like I might have picked out a lot wrong, I didn’t really. I’ve found mainly minor errors or flaws and nothing that takes away from the fact that you really do, have a talent in this. You need to work on a few things, expand, and maybe work on storyline a little. All in all though if you keep up the good work you’ll get much much better.
Also on another note I would maybe put an age limit on this, maybe 14+ or so due to scenes of death and violence, as well as the general gloomy aura.Err, well, I'll thank you to begin with, I really appreciate that you took the time to read it like that, and took even more time to approach me in a way like this, in response. Thanks. And regarding the age limit,..yeah, wasn't sure what to do about that. I'll edit my first post in a bit. I will also add to this, that I don't ever read my own writing, heck, I barely even scan read this, so I'm not really surprised if you find that I've messed up on a few aspects. XD;

Preface

“as he stroked the girls forehead” This line gives me the illusion that the man is literally sitting there stroking her forehead, it seems a little insane to me as to why he would be stroking her forehead when she’s just died. I think maybe better imagery would be if you were to say how he brushed her hair aside from her forehead as that is what I thought you had tried to show. It just puts a better picture in the readers head and makes the main character look a little less strange. So I might change that segment just a little bit. But before I go on your intro so far already anticipates ; in the sense that the reader is eager to know what has just happened and there is already suspense in the opening few lines.That was actually more or less the main aim of this part of the story, actually. To draw the reader in, and the stroking forehead bit..y'know in movies that someones dying and the other person just strokes their hand across their forehead and down the face? It's supposed to be like that, haha. However, is there anything you can recommend that I change that to?
“The rain blurred out his eyes as Robert shivered in the rain his head fell back onto the gravestone pillow behind him.” this is a little long of a sentence to string without putting a comma in so I might put one after “as Robert shivered in the rain” because the sentence really over-flows with words.Just as I read that, then, I noticed it was a run-on sentence. XD; I'll just fix that, thanks, Abnegation. ^^
"“His head fell back onto the gravestone pillow behind him” this is a good line however there’s just a little something I don’t like about it. When you say “his head fell” I think of him as if he had lost consciousness and lost control of his head as I don’t see how he would have fallen back, whether he was standing or sitting or whatever the case may be. But as I say, it’s a good line, but could have been implemented better as you gave no indication as to how he may have fallen back. I might assume that he just lot the ability to hold himself up any longer, or he’s just collapsed from tiredness but I suggest that maybe you elaborate on that, there is also a suggestion that you’ve used “pillow” as imagery for him having fallen asleep which seems unlikely to me. " This bit, I wasn't sure what wording would've been best, would 'His head slid back', be any better, in your opinion, that is? Thank you, though. :o Glad the euphemism/wording fitted, though.
“Robert’s head fell back against the stone as he lost consciousness. His dead girlfriend in his arms” this would normally be the explanation for what I’ve said above but the way you wrote this twice with different descriptions just seems as if though you’ve repeated yourself, so maybe you could merge those two lines in some way.Not really sure what to say to this bit, because I'm not sure what you're referring to. Any chance in an expanse or elaboration on the point, please?
“looked like a doctor wandered towards him.” Given the basis on the next line, I don’t think the doctor was wandering anywhere. I know what you are trying to say but suggesting that the doctor whom, in the next line or so, seemed to know exactly what he/she was going to say before they approached Robert. So what I’m saying is, the doctor seemed to know exactly what he/she was going to say an wouldn’t be “wandering”, just a little something I picked up on. Simple word change will fix that.With this bit, I wanted it to seem like the doctor was heading in one direction, as if he was working out where he wanted to go, before heading directly do his patient. Is there anyway you think this should be fixed though? The wording, I mean.
“Rob’s body jolted upright” considering he was somewhat “out of it” in the previous lines I would be sceptical as to how he “jolted upright”, just seems a little strange to me. Though it would depend on the depiction of the reader as to whether they would think this is likely or not. I personally found it to be odd how one second he would be groggy and the next alert and questioning (in the next line).I think you're right with this bit,..it just depends on the eye of the beholder, really. I mean, if you had just found out that your long time girlfriend had died, how exactly would you react? XD; I know for me, if it was a long term boyfriend, I'd have tried to do anything to get up and help, or find out what had happened..but then again, I never have been in that position, nor do I want to be. o_o;
“She was dying!” this is slightly contradictory as in previous sentences you say “His dead girlfriend in his arms.”, so the reader is under the impression that she is already in fact dead and that Robert knows that too. So I’m not sure, you might want to edit that line a little. I express my same point for when he says “she’s dead , isn’t she?” etc. “James lowered himself onto the cream armchair, “, you’ve never introduced this character, so I would advise stating who he is exactly before his name is given so that the readers aren’t unaware who “James” is while they are reading up to when they get an idea of who it might be. “Doctor Anderson” would be my replacement for James. Having two names there made it seem as if they were two different people. The rest seems to be good, can’t seem to find anything wrong there. Good description just watch how you describe your scenes and make sure to properly introduce a name properly other wise it might cause confusion. Nice, neat, prologue with maybe a few minor details needing changing.As for this bit..would you possibly be able to show me how you'd fix it, personally, and I'll maybe edit it to that, please? Thank you, really appreciate this critism/comment, afterall, I don't often get it. XD;

Chapter One
“A single crystal star shimmered in the cerulean sky” great line, good imagery. Oooh, thank you. When I showed this to my guidance teacher at school, he apparently had to look up what cerulean meant, I was kind of like "wow" considering that he's actually an English teacher. Thanks, again. :o
“It was horrid, but of course the stench was the load of rubbish beside the bins - yes, with the rats scurrying all over it.” I would maybe get rid of the “- yes” and change the sentence around a little. It looks untidy like that.
But that’s the only thing I have issue with here to be honest.Oooh, thanks, I see what you mean here. I'll fix that.
“But she was… amazing” I was changed this to “stunning” as amazing isn’t really the best choice of words, it wouldn’t be a good word to describe a stranger. Well,..stunning isn't exactly a word I'd use, to be honest, but that's just my writing still..XD; Maybe 'gorgeous' or 'beautiful' would work? Afterall, don't people go "Ohmygawd, he/she is like so hawt", at random people? I dunno..XD;
Having a “heart shaped face” is an interesting concept, it took me a minute or two to see what way you meant so assumed that maybe her hairline made the top of the heart while having a pointy or “thin” face have it the bottom edge, but I might be reading into it to much. You could maybe elaborate on that as I think it’s an interesting description but maybe better with a little explanation. Otherwise I quite like the description here. That's more or less exactly what I mean, actually. I'll give you a buzz on MSN and draw what I was referring to, thank you.
“Explain and I take you back.” Explain might not have been what you should have chosen here, it’s not a very threatening word. It doesn’t really seen like something you should use, as who would she be explaining to? Who and why? These are some reasons I would change it. There’s a ton of words you could fit there though. Oooh, thank you. :o That makes a lot of sense, actually, just not sure what to change it to. I'll just leave it, haha.
“imprisoning me in a cell of pain.” I love this line, such tasty imagery if I do say so myself. Next few lines see, to be okay. Keeping within the theme and pace of the story. Again, thank you. I seem to be pretty good a describing the worst, depressing aspects and moments. XD;
“After what I presumed was umpteen hours, I awoke.” I’m not sure if I would use “umpteen” hours here, although this isn’t a formal description, umpteen still seems to me to be a slightly cultural word. It’s often used as slang and I just wouldn’t use it in this case given the theme. I dunno, just personal preference, I guess. I use that a lot, so I'm not sure what I can say in regards to that, any way you could maybe expand on that bit, too? Thanks.
“I arched my back and attempted to hoist myself upright - I wished to view the fire and watch the sparks fly.” just try nor to use hyphens in text, it’s better to use semi-colon’s instead. Not sure what to say to that, I tend to swap between the too. Maybe I should've expanded there a bit, and kept the dash, only to stretch it into a parenthesis(There are a few meanings of this, but I'm basically referring to the 'Statement - unneeded statement - Statement', sort of structure. “Whisper breathed in my ear”, this just feels like somewhat of bad grammar to me, I know what you’re trying to do, but it isn’t a flowing sentence and I would change “breathed” to something else just because it breaks flow, in this context it seems to be slightly bad grammar also. Just take it into consideration. Otherwise this seems to be good. All I can really say to this, is which word would you suggest I use to replace it?
Just change the -’s to something else, hyphens tend to be bad format unless they are separating words like “x-ray”. Other than that I couldn’t pick anything out which could be changed there.
Seems fine but I might just change “I am… lost. Or so to speak.” to “I am… lost, so to speak.”, as it reads a little better. This bit here made absolutely no sense to me, mainly because I don't know my own writing well enough..XD;
“She noticed that too and looked at me inquisitively.” I’m not sure I like this line as I don’t really comprehend as to what she noticed, was it the fact that the main character couldn’t avert his gaze? I’m just guessing as you didn’t give too much indication as to what she had noticed exactly. Yeaah, that's more or less what I meant, I probably should've expanded on that, too, however, I'm glad that you picked up on it. :o
I suggest adding a few words in there or another line to describe what the “beast-girl” was doing. Mention her body language, even if there is only an outline, the main character should be able to tell what stance she is in. Hmm, I guess that could work. I “Beast Girl - yes, I’d decided to call her Beast Girl - leaned forward and lay onto her stomach looking up at me.” again this line doesn’t read very well. You should find another way to show that he had called her “beast girl”, even something simple as “The Beast Girl leaned forward” or without the capitalisation even. “I had always been a pessimist, and I knew she was dead.”, you see, saying that Robert is a pessimist shouldn’t be followed by a fact. If he “knew” that she was dead, the fact that he is a pessimist wouldn’t affect anything. Try implementing this in, in another way. Something like “I knew she was dead. I thought that it was never possible for me to ever see her again. But then again I’ve always had a pessimistic view on things.” or something along those lines. Change “She was right that I knew who she was…” to “She was right, I knew who she was…” because it’s better grammar and punctuation is needed in that sentence.

Change “She just had an aura around her, one that was bringing me closer to her.” to “She just had an aura around her, one which drew me closer.” or something like that as it reads better. “I didn’t want that closeness back. Ever.” I might advise changing the word closeness to something else. Try “attraction” or a word similar to it as closeness isn’t a great word in my opinion, not for creative writing at least. “She was dead.” put was in italics as you are trying to hint the fact that there is a possibility that she is alive again now. “This wasn’t possible” “It was not possible.” avoid using two similar statements like these so close to each other, I would suggest changing the second one to something else. “You were dead?” I choked on my words when I told her that I had seen her die.” you’ve said Robert choked on his words when he seen her die yet, he said “You were dead” so change that to something like, “You were dead,. You bled in my arms”. Then erase “She had died in my arms” if you’re going to do that. “stunning eyes staring into my algae green eyes - her eyes full of pain” Too many “eyes“, you might want to change that around a bit. Over use of a word in a sentence really breaks a readers flow and can end up taking them out of their trance within the storyline. Sometimes you’d like your reader to really be drawn in and forget the world around them, and making errors can throw them off, then they have to read back to comprehend. Trust me It’s happened to me on occasion and it’s something a writer should avoid.



“Anna’s body was shaking before my eyes, as I looked at her. I couldn’t comprehend how she was so cold. It didn’t make any sense. Her body was now violently shaking before my eyes. When she had stopped shaking I was sitting curled up in a ball afraid” just a slight over use of the word “shaking” could be changed or you could alter the sentence a little. “We’re just Imps, like a Pixie only in human form, We’re the most powerful too.”, we’re shouldn’t be capitalised.

“Could feel?” I think you’re missing word here. “Was the I love you from before I lost consciousness genuine” Put I love you into quotes, so “I love you”, because it’s something that had been said before so he’s quoting what had been said. And that is all I could find there.

“A year ago when I felt and looked like death himself.”, put a comma after “A year ago” and erase “when”. That reads a little more clearly. But the rest is fine. I like the last few lines, “Anna grinned at me flirtatiously, “Are you sure that’s not just the morphine talking?”
I felt the world slowly twist around me, I fell down onto the ground. Unconscious. Again.”, I thought they were quite sweet & chilling at the same time.

“A tight grip shot out and stayed on my neck - at least they weren’t digging their nails into my arm anymore.” replace the “-” with a semi-colon. Seems to be the only mistake there.

“We were still in a cabin, in a forest,” I would have mentioned the location briefly beforehand also. Maybe back at the beginning of the chapter. Robert could maybe describe his surroundings to give the reader some sort of idea of the location. Other wide the reader might conjure up another idea as to where they are (like a cave or something) then get thrown off. It always good to keep a well described setting where events will occur. “And her” try not to begin a sentence with and, it’s like starting a sentence with “because“. “Oh this was just peachy, I am now stuck in a cabin that is in a dark, dank, murky, horrid, okay I confess, Scary forest. With a deranged dead girlfriend. I think I preferred the alleyway.” I like how you’ve changed the theme from dark, to quite, humorous. You built it up nicely so at least there wasn’t a sudden change in theme.

Change “This was getting to repetitive for my personal liking.” to “This was getting far too repetitive for my personal liking.” firstly because it reads better and secondly because you said “to” instead of “too”. “pre-imp” You capitalised “Imp” already so I would suggest changing that to “pre-Imp”.
“in the small of my back” I don’t quite comprehend what you meant by this. I’ve never heard of “the small” in someone’s back. So maybe you made a mistake, on the other hand it just may be me. So just take that into consideration. That’s the last thing I noticed here.

Don’t see anything wrong here at all.
Good chapter. Now I have to hurry and post this because somebody’s impatient D:
Let me know if you need me to elaborateAs for the rest, I can see what you're refering to, really, and I'll have a glance about to change it all eventually. Oh, and as for the small of your back it's the bit down at the bottom above your ass..XD; The bit that curves.

Anyway, I gotta thank you again for taking all this time to read through it and what not. Thanks~! And yeah, I know I haven't written too much, and it's a lot of quotes..but that's not my point..XD; Anyhow, cheers.

seeker
September 6th, 2009, 08:28 AM
That was actually more or less the main aim of this part of the story, actually. To draw the reader in, and the stroking forehead bit..y'know in movies that someones dying and the other person just strokes their hand across their forehead and down the face? It's supposed to be like that, haha. However, is there anything you can recommend that I change that to?
Just be more specific, like I said I know what you mean, but you could say that Robert was brushing the hair from her eyes or something like that.

This bit, I wasn't sure what wording would've been best, would 'His head slid back', be any better, in your opinion, that is? Thank you, though. :o Glad the euphemism/wording fitted, though.

I would suggest keeping the line but say that he lost consiousness beforehand as that'd explain it :D

Not really sure what to say to this bit, because I'm not sure what you're referring to. Any chance in an expanse or elaboration on the point, please?
You've said already that he'd "fallen back" against the stone, and you've repeated it again you see. It just breaks flow.

With this bit, I wanted it to seem like the doctor was heading in one direction, as if he was working out where he wanted to go, before heading directly do his patient. Is there anyway you think this should be fixed though? The wording, I mean.

Just change the word wandering to something else. Like "heading", would be a simple example but you could think of something less typical.

I think you're right with this bit,..it just depends on the eye of the beholder, really. I mean, if you had just found out that your long time girlfriend had died, how exactly would you react? XD; I know for me, if it was a long term boyfriend, I'd have tried to do anything to get up and help, or find out what had happened..but then again, I never have been in that position, nor do I want to be. o_o;

I thought that to myself but it still seems a little sudden. Maybe a little editing would fix that.

As for this bit..would you possibly be able to show me how you'd fix it, personally, and I'll maybe edit it to that, please? Thank you, really appreciate this critism/comment, afterall, I don't often get it. XD;
Not sure what part you want me to edit, let me know and I'll see what I can do.

Well,..stunning isn't exactly a word I'd use, to be honest, but that's just my writing still..XD; Maybe 'gorgeous' or 'beautiful' would work? Afterall, don't people go "Ohmygawd, he/she is like so hawt", at random people? I dunno..XD;
Yeah that should be fine. Just what you had didn't fit.

I dunno, just personal preference, I guess. I use that a lot, so I'm not sure what I can say in regards to that, any way you could maybe expand on that bit, too? Thanks.
I thought that might be from habit alright. I dunno it just sounds a bit out of place, even something as simple as "several" should be fine.

All I can really say to this, is which word would you suggest I use to replace it?
“Whisper released in my ear” or something but honestly I don't really know, I just don't think it flowed well, the way it was.


Anyway, I gotta thank you again for taking all this time to read through it and what not. Thanks~! And yeah, I know I haven't written too much, and it's a lot of quotes..but that's not my point..XD; Anyhow, cheers.
Yupp sure any time. I enjoy reading so I didn't mind paying you back for what was, an enjoyable chapter.
I'll clear up any other questions that you may have if you'd like. ;)