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johnathondrag
September 24th, 2009, 06:50 PM
My first fanfic ever so please tell me what you like and dislike, and dont sugar coat it, how else am I to know what I need to fix?

The misadventures of Xero Muramasi


Chapter 1- It all starts here
I sat lazily on the couch, watching television. I wasn't really interested in the stupid sponge and was really more daydreaming than anything else. Then the commercial that airs every year came on.

“Hi boys and girls, I know you are all excited about March 17, yes that right, the day that everyone turning 10 this year gets there Pokemon!” Professor Lauzon's television version announced.

I was excited, granted not as much as everyone else, but nonetheless excited. This was the year I finally got to leave home and embark on an “amazing” journey, I knew that it couldn't be as amazing as everyone said it was, otherwise why would 80% of the kids be back within three months? Just then the phone rang, I checked the caller I.D., and my suspicions were confirmed; it was my best friend, Aero.

“Hey Xero, aren't you excited about tomorrow?!” Aero exclaimed.

“Definitely not as much as you!” I accused.

“Yeah, I'm definitely excited, I wonder what Pokemon I've gotten assigned.” Aero pronounced.

“Yeah, well I am goin to sleep now, goodnight Aero.” I yawned.

“Goodnight, see you tomorrow at 8:30 AM.” Aero reminded.

Ugh, that was the worst part of all, having to wake up early, but I had decided that I was not going to wake up early. I layed down and deliberately set my alarm clock to wake me up 30 minutes late, they went by the first letter of your first name so I probably wouldn't be noticed missing anyways.





Next thing I can remember is the blare of my alarm clock. I casually got dressed and strolled lazily down to the Pokemon lab where I would receive my Pokemon, five poke balls, and a Pokenav. I couldn't help but feel excited for a bit, but the mob at the lab quickly made me choke down that emotion.

“Windy Moore come get your... Pikachu!” Professor Lauzon announced.

A sudden burst of cheers and clapping burst from the crowd. Oh joy, I thought, if that's not a cliché nothing ever will be.

“Xero Muramasi come get your... Growlithe!” Professor Lauzon proclaimed.

Cool, something non-cliché, and it looks pretty fierce!

“Here you go, Xero, I'm sure you will do well!”

“Well, heres to that!” I added, causing a sudden burst of cheers.

I basked in the moment for a second then stepped down. I walked past Aero and shot him a fake smile. He ran over to me and congratulated me.

“Wow, Growlithe is so cool!”

“Yeah, what did you get?” I asked.

“What you weren't here?” He seemed disappointed.

“You know I'm not a morning person Aero.” I reminded.

“Well, the only way you'll know what I got is if you battle me!” He insisted.

I have to admit, my curiosity got the better of me.

“Fine.”

“Go Cacnea!” Aero shot. Out came a light green Pokemon, with a yellow crown around its head , lines going down its body, two sunken in eye holes, a line of holes to form its mouth, and green spikes coming off of its arms. Well at least it wasn't a cliché like Pikachu.

“Go Growlithe!” I said commandingly. Out my magnificent Pokemon appeared, with its orange body, black stripes, and grayish hair.

And the battle had begun. Everyone there turned to watch, including Professor Lauzon.

“Growlithe use ember and don't stop until you hit!” I instructed. Growlithe did as he was told shooting small, bright red, flames across the grassy area at Aero's Cacnea.

“Cacnea, dodge and use Needle Arm!” Aero shot. With amazing finesse, Cacnea avoided the flames and charged towards Growlithe, somehow nimble enough to avoid the flames while running at Growlithe. Cacnea's arm began to glow with a radiance that announced to the entire crowd that Needle Arm was ready. Cacnea brought its arm down towards Growlithe and Growlithe dodged, and sent a flame flying at Cacnea. It hit dead on from a point blank range and sent Cacnea flying.

“Growlithe finish it!” Growlithe sent more flames towards Cacnea, and one of them hit dead on and knocked out Aero's poor Cacnea.

“Cacnea, no!” Aero called out.

I knew it was over.

“Growlithe, return.” I ordered.

I ran over to Aero and checked on Cacnea. Professor Lauzon told us that Cacnea would be alright, but just for safety, should be brought to a Pokemon Center just in case it caught a burn or something. I registered everyone in my Pokenav and returned home.

Later I decided I was kind of bored, so I chose to go out of town for a while. I was glad I got to go out of town, as I was never allowed outside of town because wild Pokemon were there, but now, I had a Pokemon and I would not be completely helpless.

I sent Growlithe out and decided to let it walk outside of its Poke ball for a little while. I decided to train instead of shop, which was my original plan, and wondered onto Route 1, amazed that there were no other new trainers were on this Route. I trained Growlithe for a while, and it started to get dark. I was about to call it a night and I heard a rustling noise beside me. I figured it was just a Pidgey and turned around, oh how wrong I was.

In front of me stood a big man, probably around six foot tall. He had jet black hair, a rough beard that looked unkempt, and muscles that looked like they would pop out of his shirt if he stretched to much. He work a undershirt that showed his true muscles, and a coat around that that had an R emblazoned on it. I instantly knew who he was, the notorious Team Rocket.

An-chan
September 26th, 2009, 11:28 AM
I really like the non-cliché approach you've got going on here. I really like the sarcastic comments by the main character and the "I'm not all that excited", thing. You could really have a seed of something unique here. That said, the presentation has some problems.

First of all, you should format your text a bit differently. Press enter twice after every time someone talks, so as to leave a gap between the lines. It makes it a lot easier to read and understand. Also, it's sometimes a bit hard to tell who's talking, so you should include a bit more of "Xero said" and the like, if you get my point. Sometimes you did it very well, using synonyms a lot and all, but sometimes I was left a bit confused as to who was talking.

Secondly, you have some spelling problems. For example, you've written "defiantly" when it should say "definitely". I understand how difficult it can sometimes be to remember how a word is spelled, but that's why you always have to proofread and use a spell check. If your word processor doesn't have a spell check, you can find some online with google. So, it won't take you long, but it will help the reader, I promise. As for some of the grammar mistakes, I'm not going to go into them so much, because English is a second language for me and I'm not that goof with grammar myself. You shoulf try to get a beta reader for that. We have a nice thread here for requesting a beta reader ^-^

Third thing is that you should definitely add some more description. You had really good bits of description scattered every here and there through the chapter, so I know you can do it if you want. Try to put yourself in the position of the reader: we can't see the things you see in your head. So, spend a few more lines describing the settings, the people and the Pokémon, so that we can know what's going on. Okay?

But, yeah, I really liked the general idea of this fic. You should continue writing this, but trust me on this one: you'll have more happy readers if you take action on the things I talked about. I'm expecting to see more of this ^-^

johnathondrag
September 26th, 2009, 05:05 PM
I really like the non-cliché approach you've got going on here. I really like the sarcastic comments by the main character and the "I'm not all that excited", thing. You could really have a seed of something unique here. That said, the presentation has some problems.

First of all, you should format your text a bit differently. Press enter twice after every time someone talks, so as to leave a gap between the lines. It makes it a lot easier to read and understand. Also, it's sometimes a bit hard to tell who's talking, so you should include a bit more of "Xero said" and the like, if you get my point. Sometimes you did it very well, using synonyms a lot and all, but sometimes I was left a bit confused as to who was talking.

Secondly, you have some spelling problems. For example, you've written "defiantly" when it should say "definitely". I understand how difficult it can sometimes be to remember how a word is spelled, but that's why you always have to proofread and use a spell check. If your word processor doesn't have a spell check, you can find some online with google. So, it won't take you long, but it will help the reader, I promise. As for some of the grammar mistakes, I'm not going to go into them so much, because English is a second language for me and I'm not that goof with grammar myself. You shoulf try to get a beta reader for that. We have a nice thread here for requesting a beta reader ^-^

Third thing is that you should definitely add some more description. You had really good bits of description scattered every here and there through the chapter, so I know you can do it if you want. Try to put yourself in the position of the reader: we can't see the things you see in your head. So, spend a few more lines describing the settings, the people and the Pokémon, so that we can know what's going on. Okay?

But, yeah, I really liked the general idea of this fic. You should continue writing this, but trust me on this one: you'll have more happy readers if you take action on the things I talked about. I'm expecting to see more of this ^-^

Thanks, lol my spell check didn't pick up on defiantly considering its a real word :/ sorry but yeah i will update it before Chapter 2 is out

johnathondrag
September 26th, 2009, 06:25 PM
I hated chapter 2 when i sat down and read it for like the 5th time i decided it didnt go with the flow i wanted my story to take..... soo.. yeah!

Synthrâx
September 26th, 2009, 08:43 PM
I agree with Aurincha about the originality and the sarcastic view (which brought some humor to the story, always good)

Being an a-hole (a.k.a. criticism):
- it's a lot easier to read dialogue if you put a space between each quote.
- try to lengthen your chapters more. Chapter 2 was just a conversation, so add detail and try to slow down your story. Believe me, I do the same exact thing in mine, so I make a conscious effort to slow it down when I write. It brings more people in, and just makes it a more interesting read.
- there are a few run-on sentences in the story. I won't name all of them, but things like this:
I quickly turned to run, but froze with an evident look of fear on my face, there was another Team Rocket operative right behind me.can become things like this:
I quickly turned to run, but froze with an evident look of fear on my face. There was another Team Rocket operative right behind me.

That being said, great job on the story! Keep it comin' and check out my fanfic : D

EDIT: Yeah, just realized that a lot of my stuff had already been said in the previous review... I suppose great minds think alike : D

-Syn...

johnathondrag
September 27th, 2009, 06:35 AM
I agree with Aurincha about the originality and the sarcastic view (which brought some humor to the story, always good)

Being an a-hole (a.k.a. criticism):
- it's a lot easier to read dialogue if you put a space between each quote.
- try to lengthen your chapters more. Chapter 2 was just a conversation, so add detail and try to slow down your story. Believe me, I do the same exact thing in mine, so I make a conscious effort to slow it down when I write. It brings more people in, and just makes it a more interesting read.
- there are a few run-on sentences in the story. I won't name all of them, but things like this:
can become things like this:


That being said, great job on the story! Keep it comin' and check out my fanfic : D

EDIT: Yeah, just realized that a lot of my stuff had already been said in the previous review... I suppose great minds think alike : D

-Syn...

Yeah, chapter 2 was really a big conversation now that I notice it, but I will have that changed in Chapter 3!