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Eliminator Jr.
September 29th, 2009, 01:06 AM
ABSOLUTE
*
PROLOGUE

1: FREYA (http://www.pokecommunity.com/showpost.php?p=5178168&postcount=5)
2: ELLIOT (http://www.pokecommunity.com/showpost.php?p=5201503&postcount=11)
3: ISAAC (http://www.pokecommunity.com/showpost.php?p=5224418&postcount=14)

* * *
Current Status:
ARGH. The computer was recently wiped. Well, one drive anyway.
And all the chapters of Absolute have been wiped. I've only got
these chapters to show anymore. The next chapters were Kale,
Jaryd, Isaac, Imogen, Jaryd, but they're all gone. Sorry, it'll
probably be a long time before this is continued, as I have to
re-write everything from memory, which will also mean I'll be
missing lots of stuff D:

PM List:
...
(contact me if you wish to be added)

* * *
Other Information


Map of Sana:

http://i748.photobucket.com/albums/xx123/sanaregion/Maps/SanaLargeMap.png

No I don't expect you to know every place off by heart of something. This is just here as a
reference if you're interested and don't know where any of the places are. The slightly darkened
route represents an entirely underground route, uh.. yeah you can figure out the rest. Brown
is like mountains, light green is higher terrain, darker green is like closer to sea level.

Character List (SPOILERS):


Holloway, Hayley: Friend of Freya, mid-twenties.
Nightshade, Elena: Mother of Kale, Shar and Lor, in her mid to late forties.
Nightshade, Kale: 12 years old
Nightshade, Lor: 19 years old
Nightshade, Shar: 13 years old
Sawyer, Freya: Mid-twenties. Inherited position as head of the PokéMart corporation.
Spoker, Isaac: Fifteen years old, new student at the original Pokémon Academy.
Verday, Jayden: The man who stood on the rock and directed students when the train broke down.

* * *
PROLOGUE

“Who was Tempest?”
“You must have heard of him before. He was the greatest soldier we ever had.”
“You’re calling them soldiers now?”
“He was. I’m not sure what I could say about everybody else. He was unique, but how he managed to be that is beyond me.”
“You look about old enough to remember him.”
“Thank you.”
“It wasn’t meant as a compliment.”
“But alas, it is. Do you know how old he was?”
“I don’t know who Tempest was.”
“Can’t you answer a rhetorical question?”
“Point taken. How old was he?”
“Tempest was a child.”


Noon was the best time of day to be outside in spring. After a long winter the grass was still green, and the temperatures had just began to rise for the coming summer. The middle of the day was the hottest part, and soaking up the warmth was an activity undertaken regularly by the Kilshandra occupants. There were only four of them, and they all lived under the same roof. Sure, the whole area was under-populated, but that wasn’t a problem to anybody who lived there. More space, more freedom, it was never a bad thing and you couldn’t ever have too much of it. Most people living in the cities would have killed for a place like it, but it was so unknown that it slipped underneath the radar of real estate agents, of celebrities looking for a secret hideaway from the public and generally anybody who was interested. In fact, hardly anybody ever visited the one residence that existed in the place.

When the man in the coat showed up, it was entirely unexpected, and surprising. Despite how far away it was from wherever this man could have possibly come from, he still chose to arrive at their place. So he must have had a reason. He couldn’t have been a doorknocker. Not even the religious freaks came out this far, and that was a feat in itself. He didn’t seem intent on meeting anybody though. He settled down on the grass. He was far away from the house, too far away to see exactly what he was doing, but it had to do with something on the ground. He had a briefcase with him. Not a lawyer judging by his behaviour. Nonetheless, still a professional. Even from the distance it was easy to tell he was wearing a suit. Perhaps the man was lost? He would have seen the house by now if that was the case. It wasn’t long until Kale stepped outside to investigate. Kale was the youngest member of the household. He felt strongly about almost everything but he was often ignored by the others. At only twelve years old he considered himself a force to be reckoned with. He sprinted out across the front paddock courageously towards the “threat”, assuming that he’d be able to do something about it. After all, he was persuasive.

“What are you doing on this property?” Kale asked. He was slightly puffed out, but he was determined not to let it show. He couldn’t show one sign of weakness to this man. Kale overreacted to a lot of things and this was one of them. Instead of welcoming a guest he was fending off an intruder, taking an offensive stance against a neutral stranger. The man had dirt and grass in various test tubes, a matchbox and various electronic gadgets laid out around his suitcase. He was doing something, but Kale couldn’t think of what. The matches could have been for lighting a bushfire, but why would he do it out in the middle of a grassy field rather than closer to the trees, the actual bush?

“O-oh?” The man stuttered. Behaving like this after a threat from someone Kale’s age was a clear show of how emotionally stable this man was. Not very, by the look of things. He was a scrawny male with thin black hair and a similar body structure. He started packing away his equipment away in a mad rush. “I’m just, err..” he began. He began to stuff his equipment messily within the case, about to make an attempt to run away from the angry boy when Kale prevented him from doing so by stepping on his jacket. The man didn’t even budge. He had already conceded defeat. “I’m t-testing the grass.” He said with the remainder of his breath. His speed and sudden movement surprised Kale. The jacket slid from under his feet and he tripped over, his weight unable to shift so abruptly from his foot. The man was disappearing to the trees by the time he could regain his posture. Too late to do anything about it. He turned back towards the house – Shar had been watching from the deck.

Shar was Kale’s older sister of thirteen. Even though there was only a year’s difference between the two Shar took on an authorative role, often behaving somewhat like an older sister but at the same time a mother who did not make it obvious that she loved her son. Shar had mainly dark hair, but streaks of it were bleached by the sun, unlike her brother of who sported pure brown atop his head. She overreacted to things sometimes, Kale thought. He was right as well. Shar was pacing up and down the front deck, anxiously waiting for her younger sibling’s recount of the event. Kale could see the event of telling Shar unfold in his mind. A mysterious man “testing the grass”. Sure, it hadn’t happened before, but no big deal, he could have been with the government if you looked at the bright side of things. Kale relaxed a little bit. But of course, Shar wouldn’t look at the bright side of things.

“Kale, what happened?” she asked, a hint of panic showing in her voice. She was doubly worried than she should’ve been, probably because she saw Kale being tripped over and suspected foul play on the stranger’s behalf. Kale wasn’t bruised from what she could see. That was a good sign. He had dirt on him and his elbows were greened by the grass from when he fell over, but apart from that he looked absolutely fine. Whatever happened down there must have been strictly verbal. She was still interested in what he had to say. That was one of the few exciting things left to do on the isolated farm-like property, listen to people. No television, no visitors, home schooling, their life was close to being completely shielded from the outside world. This was like a gold rush for Shar; meeting somebody new. Secretly she only wished that she had been in Kale’s place. Been on an adventure for once…

“Some man in a suit was down there. Not a lawyer, he was getting his suit dirty and didn’t seem to care.” Kale said. From what they had been taught by their mother, lawyers were highly respected people who thought of themselves exactly that way, and that they earned a lot of money. This man didn’t seem to fit the description. He was way too nervous to be full of himself. “He had all this stuff. Matches, tubes with grass in them and this other stuff. It was eel-lic-tra, tra,” He was stumbling on the word electronic. He hadn’t reached that in his home schooling yet. All he knew was that it powered the lights in the house and it was generated by a big metal thing that his mother tended to every morning. They’d been so excluded from the outside world; simple words like this would be second nature to somebody regular, but came as a struggle to him until he was taught it by his mother.

“Electronic?” Shar suggested. She didn’t know exactly what this meant – grass in test tubes, electronic machines of some sort and matches? It didn’t really make any sense. Kale hadn’t given her an accurate enough description. “What was he doing, did he say?”

“He said he was testing the grass,” Kale said, still out of breath from running to and from the grass where he first found the man. “I don’t believe him though. Why would he come out here just to test some grass?” Kale could tell that his sister was confused as well. Nobody ever came out here, especially not to test grass. Why would they need their grass tested in the first place? “Maybe mum knows what to do.” He said. He opened the front door, having walked past Shar, who soon followed. Their mother was sitting at the kitchen table with a blank look on her face. She was doing a crossword out of a book that was at least ten years old. It was a huge thing, but she was nearing the end of it. Recently her mother had been doing twice as many crosswords as she usually would a day. When the two explained the situation to her, she turned her head and smiled. She clearly didn’t believe them.

“Maybe you should go and do something about it.” She said. That was her answer to everything. Of course, she didn’t have anything to go and do something about that didn’t involve cooking, teaching and crosswords herself, so it was easy for her to say. She was rarely a help, but there was also rarely a stranger on the property. That was more likely than not the sole reason she didn’t believe them. So they did what they always did when things got bad – they went to see Lor.

“Lor?” Shar called. She had just knocked on the door a few times. Lor was an introvert and didn’t really seem to care whether others liked it or not (or at least he didn’t show it). He enjoyed his privacy to no bounds, and rarely came out of his room, his reclusive hideaway, unless it was for dinner or to go off wandering through the bush. There wasn’t an answer for a few seconds. It was hard to tell when Lor was in his room or not. When he did leave he often did it without alerting anybody. Shar opened the door. Lor was lying down on his bed face down. Shar assumed he was asleep but when she reached his bed he turned over.

“Hmm?” Lor’s deep voice grunted. His eyes were open. It was if he hadn’t been sleeping at all. Maybe he wasn’t sleeping; it was hard to tell with Lor. He could have laid with his eyes closed for a few hours while others were having a long conversation next to him on any topic of choice, and then contributed to it suddenly, leaving people to wonder just how long he had been listening for. Even their mother had given up on cracking him. Years ago.

“We saw some man in a suit with electronic stuff, matches and test tubes on the property and when Kale tried to talk to him he said he was testing the grass and then ran off.” Shar said, within the space of six seconds. She’d already explained the situation to her mother painfully slowly just beforehand. Speaking fast would save her time, and Lor knew her well enough to understand exactly how she felt and what she meant by what she was saying. He knew everybody on the property. And although there were only three people to ‘get’, the others could figure out each other but not Lor. He was at an advantage for not revealing himself. But what kind of advantage nobody could put their finger on.

Lor answered with a blank stare, no change from what was on his face beforehand. He promptly stood up and walked out of his room to a place that Kale and Shar could only assume was the place where the event happened. Lor’s room faced the front of the property, so he might have been looking out the window. He probably was, Shar thought. Lor never missed a beat, and he always seemed to know things that he couldn’t have possibly witnessed. If there was any slight chance that he was watching a little earlier, he almost definitely had been. Surely enough, Lor walked exactly to the spot where the man had been. He bent down and picked something up off the ground. It was made of leather. Shar could only see one side of it. When she caught up with Lor (who had taken off without caring to see if she had followed) she could see worn out gold-coloured writing on the tough leather. On the other side were a few protruding pouches, two of them containing test tubes. A test tube holder, for when you weren’t mixing chemicals, of course. Or… burning grass, she supposed.

Lor handed the leather accessory to his sister and then began walking off in another direction. She didn’t look as to where he was going, but instead focused on trying to read the writing, which was hard considering Kale was jumping around on either side of her trying to gain a peek at what the words said. Shar read them aloud:

Auburne Shire Council

Unfortunately, that was it, but it did give them an insight into the man’s occupation. He worked for the Auburne Council. Auburne was the closest town to where they lived, and even then it was a three day’s hike away at least. Shar had been there once when she was four and again at seven whereas Kale had only glimpsed it at two years of age. The Council pretty much regulated all of Auburne and where they lived as well, but that was never a reason for them to come to their doorstep. Suddenly a loud clang emerged from the garden shed. Something metal hitting the old tin walls. She could only guess that it was Lor in the shed, although come to think of it Lor wasn’t ever clumsy. Kale didn’t wait for an invitation and darted towards the shed. Shar quickly followed, carrying the test tube holder with her.

Lor was inside. He didn’t seem to be in a hurry, but he wasn’t taking his time either. His breath was a little louder than usual. She looked over to what he had moved. A giant metal safe, no doubt containing valuables that meant something to her mother. She and Kale had tried moving it together only a month ago because they’d heard a rattling sound behind it and thought it may have been a trapped mouse. They couldn’t reach their heads over to look at it without moving the safe, because it was tucked into a corner directly under a shelf full of gardening books. Lor, however, had moved it with ease. Or maybe it was difficult; she’d never heard him put much effort into anything. He was as fit as a fiddle, as Kale would say. Probably from his ventures out into the bush.

He bent down on his knees and scooped up three identical balls. They looked like tennis balls, although they shined and were coloured strangely. Maybe they were made from plastic, or metal? They certainly wouldn’t be good tennis balls then. They didn’t have those green hairs sticking off them either. They were something entirely different. They had two visible sections; one white, one red, separated by a black line running around the perimeter of the sphere. The black line was painted so that both of the coloured sections had equal space. But then as she saw the balls move around as Lor put them into his pocket, she noticed a circle that stuck out of the ball, in direct contact with the black line. Curious indeed, she’d never heard of this, let alone seen it, in her lessons. Lor didn’t say where he was going, but he moved out and headed towards the front gate. Maybe going on one of his bushwalks again. It didn’t matter, really. Kale and Shar just wanted to go somewhere. Find something new. They were bored of having secrets kept from them.

Citrinin
September 29th, 2009, 02:05 AM
Noon was the best time of day to be outside in spring. After a long winter the grass was still green, and the temperatures had just began to rise for the coming summer. The middle of the day was the hottest part, and soaking up the warmth was an activity undertaken regularly by the Kilshandra occupants. There were only four of them, and they all lived under the same roof. Sure, the whole area was under-populated, but that wasn’t a problem to anybody who lived there. More space, more freedom, it was never a bad thing and you couldn’t ever have too much of it. Most people living in the cities would have killed for a place like it, but it was so unknown that it slipped underneath the radar of real estate agents, of celebrities looking for a secret hideaway from the public and generally anybody who was interested. In fact, hardly anybody ever visited the one residence that existed in the place.
Beautiful opening paragraph. I really love how you set the scene here. :D

He already conceded defeat.
"He had already conceded defeat" sounds better.

lawyers were highly respected people who thought of themselves exactly that way
This made me laugh. XD;

They were bored of being kept secrets from.
To be honest, I'm not sure whether this is grammatically correct, but it does sound awkward, IMO. I'd rephrase it to "They were bored of having secrets kept from them."

I love your characterisation here. You've subtly built up the characters and created three individuals that leaves me wanting to know more. Well done. :D

Eliminator Jr.
September 29th, 2009, 04:47 AM
Beautiful opening paragraph. I really love how you set the scene here. :D
Thank you.

"He had already conceded defeat" sounds better.
Can't believe I missed that. I've had this prologue for ages and I've never noticed that. Thanks again.

This made me laugh. XD;
Oh cool, I didn't mean for it to be funny when I wrote it but whatever works XD

To be honest, I'm not sure whether this is grammatically correct, but it does sound awkward, IMO. I'd rephrase it to "They were bored of having secrets kept from them."
Yeah I was a bit iffy about that when I wrote it. I'll go with your one, sounds a lot better.

I love your characterisation here. You've subtly built up the characters and created three individuals that leaves me wanting to know more. Well done. :D
Thanks heaps again, that means a lot coming from such a great author.

Citrinin
September 29th, 2009, 02:27 PM
Oh cool, I didn't mean for it to be funny when I wrote it but whatever works XD
Heh - it's one of those "it's funny because it's true" situations, I guess. :P

Thanks heaps again, that means a lot coming from such a great author.
^^; You're welcome.

Eliminator Jr.
October 2nd, 2009, 02:30 PM
1: FREYA

Despite his urgency to talk with her, Freya walked past the short, skinny man without even the slightest acknowledgement. She didn’t need another thousand pleas for her to lend him money. The exact same man stood outside the building every single morning, minding his own business around everyone; until she walked past. There was something that the man saw in her that made him say “she’s going to lend me money” that he didn’t see in anybody else. Frankly, she couldn’t stand the man anymore and couldn’t even be bothered to repeat her wish for him to stop bothering her. That could wait. The man could wait. She’d much rather just ignore him, maybe then he’d go away, she had thought. She was beginning to doubt her tactics after five and a half weeks. He’d attempted to grab her arm a few times now. The police were a hassle too. They said that if they stopped him from doing something, everybody else and their dog would want the police to stop other homeless people from being violent. She was confused. Isn’t that what the police were supposed to do?

He was dressed properly too. He had two different suits. One was a black suit with a light red and white pinstripe shirt on underneath. Very metropolitan. The other was a burgundy coloured suit. Under it was a brown shirt with a red tie - also very metropolitan. Thirty years ago. It made her wonder just how old the man was. He had thin brown hair, but he wasn’t balding, and he didn’t contain any traces of hair product. It also occurred to her that the man had a few pimples on the left side of his face. And where did he get the money for his suits? She was glad she stopped giving him money on the fourth day, especially if he only spent it on drugs and a new suit. But the suits, both of them looked pretty expensive. More than what a working class person would have earned in two weeks, easily. How could he afford to pay that? She had thought of asking him, although she reconsidered, knowing that the man would probably want money in return for his information. She could never be too sure about homeless people. It was probably best not to mess with them. She just wished they wouldn’t mess with her.

She passed under the motion sensor, in turn opening the automatic doors. She walked in, just like every other day she entered this building, and the man continued following her up to the door. That was where he stopped, as if he'd reached some sort of invisible barrier, and began raising his voice to get her attention as she walked further and further away from him. As usual, she ignored him. He was too loud, too noisy. He gave the place a bad look. She wished she had some sort of security guards working for her, so they could escort that man to the nearest mental hospital and keep him there raking leaves for two cents an hour until he had saved up enough to buy a house and live in the real world. By then his mental health would be okay. At first she felt sorry for the "poor guy" (which was meant as both a man with a lack of money and somebody who'd had something unfortunate happen to them undeservingly). Then she felt pity as she noticed he had began to wear suits to try and get her attention. If he'd saved up that much, he didn't need her money, so she continued to walk by him. Then she began to notice the effects of bad medication on the side of his face, and he just got plain annoying from there on in. He smelled bad. But at least he looked good. Heh. Strivicic – where even the hobos are classy. It had a nice ring to it.

"Got to do something about that bum," said a lady who was walking the opposite direction to her, towards the front door, "he's really scaring me now." Freya could tell who she was talking to just by recognising her voice, but she turned to face her anyway. It wasn't polite to be facing away from people when they talked to you. She had long brown hair and wore a skirt. One of the few businesswomen that still did - skirts had sort of gone out of fashion now. Not that fashion was a big thing in this town. More like... a professional fashion of some sort. If you weren't wearing the right gear, it reflected on your business and your ability to get or maintain a job. She wore it perfectly, though. Freya wished she could get away with that, still keep the choice to wear what she wanted. But it was long gone. She surrendered that when she began working high-up at this young age.

"Tell me about it!" was all that she could say in reply - she agreed with the woman. It wasn't like she could add anything else in to the conversation. She almost did. She had to refrain herself from speaking. Ever since being placed in her position in the business, she had had to grow used to adding in pointless talk and speeches into everything she said to most business partners. It created an image. Kept her at the top of the food chain. She didn't have to say that to Hayley. She was more of a friend and had only gotten a job here because Freya gave it to her as soon as she was appointed as head. She didn't know a thing about business, but it was an excuse to be with her best friend. They both made sure she stayed undercover yet still visible, so people would be able to get used to her but not have any time to ask her any questions that required actual thinking.

Freya was the head of the whole PokéMart franchise in the region. Of course, she hadn't reached that position by sucking up to people above her. She'd put in the hard yards and... practically inherited the business. That's right. Her father had passed away a year ago when she was but twenty-three. Before that time, her father, being the CEO, had done everything he could do rise his daughter through the ranks of the PokéMart corporation. When the time came to vote for a new head, she surprisingly won the votes through her father's posthumous influence on his colleagues and her performance at her old management position. The fact that she had recently graduated with a business degree from an established university also helped out. Considering she knew only some things about applying business to real life situations, she was planning on moving out of the no-fun city as soon as she could. It was quite a job to be thrown into. Luckily, she soon realised that she didn't actually have to do much work - she just let her underlings come up with new ideas and plans. All she had to do was approve them and offer encouragement. Any jobs that came up she could assign to somebody lower in the chain. They were all smart work-orientated people. Not clever enough to see through her big-thinking guise, though. The job was easy, and the pay kept coming in. There was nothing that she could have asked for that she wasn't already getting. Except maybe the casual life out in Alumina or something - taking part in the underground music scene or something cool like that. But that could wait. Wait a few more years, when she would have stacks in her bank account that would last her for the rest of her life and more.

All was silent. All but the machinery on the bottom floor - the computers, the printers, and of course, the photocopier. Later today that photocopier would have a line from here to the other side of the sea, filled with a bunch of workers either trying too hard to be professional or workers that had the ground floor jobs for a reason. Then suddenly, a scream. Loud and shrill, it pierced her ears like a needle penetrating skin. It had come from the front door. Fearing for the worst, Freya dropped her handbag and began running towards the entrance. It was hard to run in high heels, and she was glad nobody else was here to see her do it. She almost tripped twice, but she soon made it out into the open. She scanned the street, looking for the origin of the scream. There! She noticed relatively quickly, which was helpful in a possible life or death situation. The homeless man had Hayley in a headlock and was dragging her into an alleyway! She was struggling. Everybody else on the street had run away. She wondered why but soon saw a knife in the hand that wasn't holding her. He backed into shadows. Nobody was coming towards him. Until now.

She didn't care what this would do to her reputation. She took off her difficult-to-run-in shoes and began sprinting - faster than she had ever sprinted before. Towards the alleyway, towards her best friend. But as she turned the corner, there was nothing. This was bizarre. Very strange - there were no doors or possible hiding places that the two could have disappeared to in the time it took for her to reach the lane. There were no gaps to escape through - the walls were dead-solid and continued on either side for at least another hundred metres. There was no noise anymore. No screams from Hayley. Freya cried. Despite the traffic and hundreds of people walking across the street, the city was quiet for the first time in her life.

Sgt Shock
October 3rd, 2009, 03:22 PM
That is a very good chapter 1. I must admit, I did not find many grammatically mistakes if I had found any at all. Truly, I had not though about the business side of the Pokemon world that much especially dealing with the PokeMart. But come to think of it, it would be quite the franchise to inherit since the marts in all of the major towns and many of the minor ones. Good job opening the idea of the Pokemart a bit clearly.

I'm kind of curious what is happening now. Freya ran to find that her best friend had disappeared. That is quite the cliffhanger. *sobs* Good job though. Keep it up. I'm liking it.

Eliminator Jr.
October 4th, 2009, 12:16 AM
That is a very good chapter 1. I must admit, I did not find many grammatically mistakes if I had found any at all.
Thank you. Personally I think I should re-write it because I haven't looked at it for a while before posting it and when I did post it I noticed all these re-uses of words and sentences that didn't flow into each other, but if somebody else didn't notice anything then that's a good thing XD

Truly, I had not though about the business side of the Pokemon world that much especially dealing with the PokeMart. But come to think of it, it would be quite the franchise to inherit since the marts in all of the major towns and many of the minor ones. Good job opening the idea of the Pokemart a bit clearly.
Yeah thanks. That's going to come in handy during the plot.

I'm kind of curious what is happening now. Freya ran to find that her best friend had disappeared. That is quite the cliffhanger. *sobs* Good job though. Keep it up. I'm liking it.
Yeah, there's a lot of opening up storylines - many of the first few chapters are introducing new characters completely - Freya doesn't make a re-appearance for a while.

Thanks for the feedback!

Citrinin
October 5th, 2009, 01:13 AM
There was something that the man saw in her that made him say “she’s going to lend me money” that he didn’t see in anybody else.
Say? Or think, perhaps?

She didn't have to say that to Hayley.
Dangnabbit. It's never a good idea to be reading two things at once which each have a character with the same name. XD;

Luckily, she soon realised that she didn't actually have to do much work - she just let her underlings come up with new ideas and plans. All she had to do was approve them and offer encouragement. They were all smart work-orientated people. Not clever enough to see through her big-thinking guise, though. The job was easy, and the pay kept coming in.
I think you're... falsely portraying the workload that a corporate head has to undergo. It is incredibly stressful. Now, of course, there are ways around this. For example, the Pokemart seems to be an effective monopoly in canon. A kind of business of that type would pretty much never manage to get a monopoly (look at Walmart - even with those low prices it's still got major competition) without some kind of shady cronyism going on. And, with your portrayal of the company as being inherited suggests that the father had absolute, or near-absolute ownership, suggesting it couldn't have been a public listed company, further suggesting that it wouldn't have enough capital to become such an expansive monopoly on its own with a head that does nothing, further suggesting cronyism of some sort. If you're planning that, great. If you're not, be aware that you're risking becoming this (http://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pmwiki.php/Main/DidNotDoTheResearch). And, as we know, people can be lazy in a monopolistic industry and get away with it.

That being said, your narrative voice continues to be confident and effective. You're introducing your characters brilliantly. And I loved the end. :)

Eliminator Jr.
October 5th, 2009, 10:46 PM
Say? Or think, perhaps?
Thanks for that!

I think you're... falsely portraying the workload that a corporate head has to undergo. It is incredibly stressful. Now, of course, there are ways around this. For example, the Pokemart seems to be an effective monopoly in canon. A kind of business of that type would pretty much never manage to get a monopoly (look at Walmart - even with those low prices it's still got major competition) without some kind of shady cronyism going on. And, with your portrayal of the company as being inherited suggests that the father had absolute, or near-absolute ownership, suggesting it couldn't have been a public listed company, further suggesting that it wouldn't have enough capital to become such an expansive monopoly on its own with a head that does nothing, further suggesting cronyism of some sort. If you're planning that, great. If you're not, be aware that you're risking becoming this (http://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pmwiki.php/Main/DidNotDoTheResearch). And, as we know, people can be lazy in a monopolistic industry and get away with it.
Yeah I could save my reputation and say every part of it was intended buuttttt... this is the only chapter of Freya's that I've written to date and all that is important is that she is the head. So I can still change a few things. But it's not a mistake her being there without the proper qualifications though. Not exactly cronyism but something else is happening behind the scenes. But maybe I'll add in that she did business at university or something and her father already had her in a good position in corporate to make it more obvious that she's not incapable of tricky work like Hayley, as in she's still pretty smart. I meant inherited as in a large part of the reason she made it to the position was because of her father, not as in he had it in his will or something but yeah that's probably really confusing so I'll change that around. Thanks for pointing it out.

That being said, your narrative voice continues to be confident and effective. You're introducing your characters brilliantly. And I loved the end. :)
Oh thank you. I thought this was a weaker chapter personally but then again you think you're weaker at action scenes so I guess we're our own worse critics. Apart from like Valentine or something, they're worse :P

Citrinin
October 6th, 2009, 12:56 AM
Thanks for that!
You're welcome. ^^

Yeah I could save my reputation and say every part of it was intended buuttttt... this is the only chapter of Freya's that I've written to date and all that is important is that she is the head. So I can still change a few things. But it's not a mistake her being there without the proper qualifications though. Not exactly cronyism but something else is happening behind the scenes. But maybe I'll add in that she did business at university or something and her father already had her in a good position in corporate to make it more obvious that she's not incapable of tricky work like Hayley, as in she's still pretty smart. I meant inherited as in a large part of the reason she made it to the position was because of her father, not as in he had it in his will or something but yeah that's probably really confusing so I'll change that around. Thanks for pointing it out.
It's OK. As long as you manage to explain it plausibly. ^^

Oh thank you. I thought this was a weaker chapter personally
I think it was weaker than the prologue, but still a good chapter nonetheless.

Eliminator Jr.
October 9th, 2009, 09:31 PM
2: ELLIOT

Elliot smiled, his face beaming with satisfaction. Another challenger, another win. That was all it took nowadays. It was entertaining. He didn't have to work anymore. He thought he would have lost his muse for battling by now. Obviously not. He was modest, of course - he didn't rub it in the opponent's face, but still he didn't mind celebrating a little. After all, his trainer card showed that he had never lost a battle, and his record could only get more and more perfect. He'd sort of came out of nowhere - won the annual championship, downed the best trainers in the region and retired to a proper League position. He was the last in the long and tiring line of amazing trainers, which ensured long gaps between battles - hardly anybody could beat the first trainer, let alone all eight. The elite (thus the name "Elite Eight") trainers before him were arranged in no particular order, and they each specified in one Pokémon type. The only rule to be used to beat them is that the same team must be used to defeat every single one of them. And the only thing that could happen in between battles was healing Pokémon and stocking up on items. And yet he had still beaten this challenger, even after the person had defeated eight others to reach him. Elliot was a whole new level above anybody else.

As a member of this advanced group of Pokémon battlers, he was required to live and breathe Pokémon League. That was his job. Unlike he had first thought, he wasn't able to wander in and out at his own leisure. He had to live on campus twenty-four seven, and was only allowed Sundays off. He didn't really see the point in that - he only had one trainer against him every two or so weeks. But he liked it here. He liked the reputation that came with being the best trainer in the region. Most people would get bored. He'd thought about it before - should he leave to pursue happiness? But he was quick to realize that all this attention was happiness for him. And he didn't care that he had to rely on what others thought in order to fuel his own ego - he was an attention seeker. But unlike others, he didn't try and get to that goal through getting people to pity him. He did it through hard work, by being the best. He had earned that respect.

All it had taken was a few flamethrowers. Not even any creative attacks, agility or tricks. Just pure force. The challenger tried to smile on the outside, but it was clearly showing that he was fuming. And not with heat, with complete anger. It was hard to tell whether his frustration lied with himself, his Pokémon or Elliot, but he wasn't doing a good job of hiding it. He shook Elliot's hand immediately afterwards and left the arena in a hurry. A few cameramen were following him, which was a little strange. This battle wasn't meant to be televised. Maybe that's why he left so quickly - to avoid embarrassment. He didn't want to be caught losing so easily on the camera. Either way, a win was a win and Elliot decided he deserved a lie down on the couch and a beer in his hand. Back to his routine. He stood there a few moments more, draining in the atmosphere one last time. It'd be a while before he battled again. Back to watch some sport. Or a Pokémon Contest or something. Two-hundred-and-something channels direct to his television and yet nothing that he hadn't seen before. The boredom was worth it, he reassured himself.

He undressed and turned the shower on. That battle had sure taken a lot out of him. Pshyeah, because sitting in a director's chair waving your index finger around was pretty tiring. Time for a nice warm shower. After ten minutes the water still poured through - he could take long showers as often as he wanted. Unlike back at home. Elliot rarely spoke about his past. He'd only ever told two people about his family - they were all dead now, he said. He used to live in Heele, in one of the lower class families (which was really saying something about your financial situation if you lived in that "scum hole"). He'd only become this to make them proud. And just before he could finally make his dream happen, they disappeared into thin air. Now he was only battling for himself. He barely had a social life now that he was the league champion. The only people he talked to were other trainers or maids. All his conversations were about Pokémon battles and strategies. Or "can you bring up some more potato chips? Okay, thanks. No, you hang up. No, you hang up! Nah, I'm only joshing with you. Just bring up the chips." His isolation had done a lot to him. Taken away his sense of good humour, for one.

Then the water suddenly went cold. The one thing that had never happened in all his time living within league accommodation. This place was luxury! How could this happen? All the lights flickered out, and the whole room rumbled back and forth. Being in a shower, he slipped over and hurt himself. Another thing he wasn't used to. Then the rumble happened again, more violently, and it carried a noise with it this time. An explosion of some sort. But way too powerful to be a Pokémon exploding. He could tell the difference after so many battles - oh no, this thing was completely different. Far more deadly. Man made. He didn't want to know for sure, but the explosions were getting closer whether he wanted them to or not.

Sgt Shock
October 10th, 2009, 05:37 AM
Good chapter. I'm curious on Elliot's choice of Pokemon to be undefeated like that. *ponders* I'll have to see you introduce everyone else for I can choose my favorite character. Overall, I only saw one grammatical error.



He'd sort of came out of nowhere - won the annual championship, downed the best trainers in the region, and retired to a proper League position.

-However I'm not one to judge so yeah. You probably could find twice as much in mine.


Overall it was a bit shorter than I wished. T_T But, you did manage to put everything that was needed to be said so I am pleased. Great chapter and I look forward to your next.

Eliminator Jr.
October 10th, 2009, 08:41 PM
Good chapter. I'm curious on Elliot's choice of Pokemon to be undefeated like that. *ponders* I'll have to see you introduce everyone else for I can choose my favorite character.
Remember this battle he won not by strategy but by simply being so powerful. That's not to say he isn't strategic but just pointing that out. Yeah, his Pokémon are pretty tough though. And great to see you waiting for a favourite character XD that's great. Mind you there's like a billion more characters to come in so brace yourself. Just out of curiousity who's your favourite character at the moment (I know there's like only five to choose from but still).

Overall, I only saw one grammatical error. However I'm not one to judge so yeah. You probably could find twice as much in mine.
Actually the third chapter was extremely well done, I found hardly anything in it, so you can't say that anymore :P we're about on par with stuffing up at grammar. But yeah, thanks heaps for pointing that out.

Overall it was a bit shorter than I wished. T_T But, you did manage to put everything that was needed to be said so I am pleased. Great chapter and I look forward to your next.
Thank you. Yeah, this is the shortest chapter I've got out of the seven or eight that I've written, but I figured I'd rather post short but good chapters than add in filler text just to meet a length requirement. Some chapters might be twice as long as the prologue (none are that long yet thankfully) and some might be even shorter than Chapter 2 in the future. Depends how much I've got to say about the situation.

But yeah, thanks heaps for the feedback.

Eliminator Jr.
October 15th, 2009, 11:50 PM
3: ISAAC

Isaac stared out the train window wearily at the passing by scenery, humming along to something that was coming through his headphones. He wasn't even paying attention to the music anymore, but it kept him from being irritated by the noises the train made so he didn't take them out. That was a first for him - the music didn't matter. He'd been in the same cabin on the train for a day and a half now. At least. It was a long trip with no stops. He had his acoustic guitar in with him but he had already played every song he knew at least twice and his fingers were getting sore. It was a fairly hot day, too, and the train's only air conditioning system was opening the window. They were moving so fast that the wind hardly even circulated through the train. His clothes were irritating him, sticking to him, yet when he took his shirt off the bed would stick to him instead. It wasn’t comfortable, and there was nothing he could do about it. He could always have a shower, but the feeling returned within seconds. The water quickly converted into sweat, and he was back to where he started from except naked. He was only allowed a certain amount of time in the shower. The train didn't have an unlimited supply of water, and the signs on the bathroom walls made sure he knew that.

"How long is the night?" he said to himself, miming along to the music. Hopefully not as long as the day, he thought. He wouldn't be able to stand that again. It had begun to cool down since the sun set, but foolishly he had already taken up his water allowance for the train trip, and was stuck with dried perspiration on his body. The train didn't slow, and soon he fell asleep. He was tired. It was the first time he had slept since the train ride had begun the previous afternoon. Unfortunately his wonder and excitement had died just when the morning had begun, and he soon regretted not sleeping the previous night. Now was bliss, though. He didn't take his headphones out and went to sleep with a coincidentally titled song playing, a song title which contained the words asleep. That was funny how things like that happened - how many coincidences occurred when you didn't expect them. It was sort of like when you learned what a word meant and suddenly you heard the word everywhere. The train trip had provided him with no thoughts more interesting than reminding himself that he was bored, and then finally when he did get something even remotely interesting he fell asleep. He decided sleep was what he needed right now, though, and soon dozed off.

It was about four hours later when the train slowed to a halt. There was no station. Maybe a problem with the fuel? Hopefully they would let him off to stretch his legs a bit. He didn't want to spend one more minute on this train than what he had to. He heard a few cabin doors down the aisle open and shut and many footsteps. He decided to follow suit. He chucked on a spare shirt and opened his door. A few people walked past his cabin. Everybody on this train was the same age as him. Fifteen years old - that was the limit for when you could begin. No older, no younger. Of course, there were other schools and university courses dedicated to Pokémon for people of other ages, but this academy was the most prestigious. The oldest one too - judging by its name it had to be the first one. It was simply referred to as 'The Pokémon Academy' and that was that. He didn't make eye contact with anybody in the hallway. He just kept walking. It was still fairly warm, but nothing irritating. Because the train was not pulled up at a station, there was a big drop from the door to the ground. Most people saw this, but for the unfortunate ones that didn't, there was soft grass directly next to the railway tracks to fall onto. It still hurt a bit, this was demonstrated by a boy stumbling down the hill towards an adult. That's where all the kids seemed to be headed. There was somebody standing on a large rock, probably the train driver or something. It looked as if every single person on the train had gotten off by now. A few train officers paroled the hallways of the carriages, perhaps looking for kids to escort off. Looking around, he saw that he wasn't the only one in confusion as to why the train had stopped. Everybody else had made their way to the man on the rock, the authority. Well, everyone at the school had common sense. The tests beforehand made sure of that. The man soon opened his mouth to speak.

"As you can probably see," he looked over towards the train and frowned like a father would when his four year old son did something stupid in front of many people, "the train has broken down. We've got a mechanic working on the train now, but it'll be at least a day before we can leave again." Groans were heard from all over the crowd of soon-to-be students. Worried chatter began to grow loud, but the train driver was quick to clear his throat and attract all attention again. "Now there is a quicker way to get there, but it will involve walking on foot. The train route which we are on happens to take longer to get to the academy than it needs to be, mainly because we're not allowed to build a line through the forest we have here." Everybody could tell exactly what he was going to say next. "Now if you want to go for a walk through the forest now, you'll probably get to the school by late afternoon today. It's about two in the morning now, just for your information. If you want to go back and have a sleep on the train, that's fine." He looked around, looking a bit too happy about making students walk through a forest alone. He had a good sense of humour, at least. Isaac figured it would be pretty funny from his point of view. That was one thing he didn't expect to find at the Pokémon Academy - anybody who could take a joke. A few people were still undecided about what they were going to do. "Could I get everyone to organise each other into groups?" The man called. "We need to find out how many people are staying." The groups were about even - half didn't want to stay on the train any longer and half didn't want to risk going through a forest alone. Isaac was prepared to walk through the forest. A little bit of adventure couldn't hurt anybody. And if the train driver didn't think it was possible he wouldn't have suggested it, wouldn't he? He really didn't see what the others were worried about.

"Oi Jayden!" yelled out a rough voice. It was from the train. A man with a black face, probably from working on the engines, emerged from the large piece of machinery. The man on the rock turned around. He must've been Jayden. "Train won't budge! Looks like we're gonna have to get another train sent from Alumina; it'll take about two days to get here!" The students on the train side all looked horrified. About three quarters of them switched to walking through the forest. Jayden stepped down from the rock he was standing on and left all the adolescents by themselves. A few started to head down to the forest. There was about one or two groups of three people, but other than that nobody seemed to know each other. Which was in a way a plus, he guessed, as he wouldn't be the odd one out. A negative, however, because now he had to walk through a dark forest by himself. He reassured himself that it was safe and began walking towards the forest. One boy who looked rather athletic and cropped short, spiked blonde hair held a Poké Ball in his hand. He already had a Pokémon on him? Isaac always thought that you couldn't bring your own Pokémon into the academy, or at least not use them until instructed to do so. Oh well, he'd just have the advantage then, it didn’t bother him. Isaac walked into the forest, on guard.