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aurevesque
October 3rd, 2009, 04:49 PM
hey guys! i've returned!
anyways Voila:

"A Sense of Self"
I
I am more than you can see
more than the stereotypes
that surround me
Look
Beyond my race
Beyond my status or my self
Beyond my face
Inside
I am confused and crystal clear
confident and proud
paranoid, full of fear
Myself
I am more than you think I can be
I know i'm myself
I just have to find me.

Dr Gregory House
October 3rd, 2009, 11:07 PM
That's a nice poem. I love the way you've got the first word of each line before the actually stanzas. It's great.

aurevesque
October 4th, 2009, 09:49 AM
Thank you! actaully it was just plain luck that the lines came out that way.^^ i'm glad you liked it!

flight
October 4th, 2009, 11:11 AM
Pros:

- Cool...structure I guess?

Cons:

- That font is disturbing and may be unreadable to certain users depending on which skin they're using.

- Last stanza makes half-sense

- Poem is too general and has quite an empty flow. This isn't a haiku.

- Repetition is meh.

Overall:

You have a lot of room to improve. Short poetry is okay so long as they have nice flow and they're tonkas, Cinquains(I think), and haikus. Other than that, it's just a no-no. The only thing that can be credited is the poem structure, which was "I look inside myself". But then with that, you risked the readability of the last stanza which therefore sorta ruined the whole poem. You have to be more careful when you're doing stuff like this.

Also, on the second stanza, there's repetition. That in itself I have no problem with. It's just used badly which bothers me. Repetition isn't a toy to use in poetry; it's something that, if considered, has to be used carefully for risk of making the whole poem sound bland, which, yeah it isn't fun at all.

aurevesque
October 4th, 2009, 11:22 AM
HTanks cookie!^^ yeah, it's not very flowy.
font? i didn't think about the skin part thing. merci for pointing it out.
haiku? i ddin't mean for it to be a haiku.
i figured the myself part sorta summarized the whole part of the poem.
good to see different crticism though. thanks!^^

Spearow
October 4th, 2009, 08:00 PM
Short poetry is okay so long as they have nice flow and they're tonkas, Cinquains(I think), and haikus.

I'm not sure if I misunderstood you here. Are you saying that all short poems have to be structured like cinquains and haikus?

You guuyyyys. Just cuz there's a stickied list that tells you about different types of poetry doesn't mean that everything you write has to fall within the constraints of a certain style or pre-arranged structure/rhyme scheme. Historical knowledge of poetry is great, knowledge of popular styles and formats is all good, but don't let it ultimately control and restrict your writing. Your poem will suffer for it if you try to squeeze it into a rigid format, I guarantee it. Some people hate free verse but in my opinion it is always 1000000x better than forced rhymes that make no sense within the context of the piece.

And if that's not what you meant, cookie, I apologize but I had to get this little rant-type thing (though I don't know if I'd call it that, I'm not angry) out sometime.

AS FOR THE POEM IN QUESTION, since I feel bad about coming into this thread to derail it, I thought it was nice and hangs together well. Here's a little hint, if you want the last stanza to form a coherent "sentence" like the other ones do and thus conclude the pattern, you could add a colon after "myself". :)

flight
October 4th, 2009, 09:30 PM
I'm not sure if I misunderstood you here. Are you saying that all short poems have to be structured like cinquains and haikus?

You guuyyyys. Just cuz there's a stickied list that tells you about different types of poetry doesn't mean that everything you write has to fall within the constraints of a certain style or pre-arranged structure/rhyme scheme. Historical knowledge of poetry is great, knowledge of popular styles and formats is all good, but don't let it ultimately control and restrict your writing. Your poem will suffer for it if you try to squeeze it into a rigid format, I guarantee it. Some people hate free verse but in my opinion it is always 1000000x better than forced rhymes that make no sense within the context of the piece.

And if that's not what you meant, cookie, I apologize but I had to get this little rant-type thing (though I don't know if I'd call it that, I'm not angry) out sometime.

AS FOR THE POEM IN QUESTION, since I feel bad about coming into this thread to derail it, I thought it was nice and hangs together well. Here's a little hint, if you want the last stanza to form a coherent "sentence" like the other ones do and thus conclude the pattern, you could add a colon after "myself". :)

No, that is not what I meant.

Yes, there is a sticky on the forum that tells you the different types of poetry. I fit into the group of people that don't believe in restriction of the human mind, which is why I felt this poem could've been so much better. Short poetry, if done correctly, can actually sound quite nice, but it takes some thought process and all just to fit some good qualities into a fixed number of stanzas.

The human mind is capable of achieving so many things; we shouldn't hold ourselves back from anything. Heck, I haven't even looked at the sticky myself and I post here, y'know? I criticize based on several factors that I'm too lazy to type at the moment, and no matter how harsh they seem to be, it's done with the person in mind, in hopes that they would consider the criticism that they got. D:

Yeah, sorta long post, I know. XD I just feel strongly about this.

aurevesque
October 5th, 2009, 11:46 AM
good ideas guys! thanks for the advice! anyways, i put the myself there as sorta like a title like the rest of them. the myself is hwat i am. although i'm thinking i shouldv'e put like an elliipses before my last word.

Alpha King
October 5th, 2009, 11:52 AM
hey guys! i've returned!
anyways Voila:

"A Sense of Self"
I
I am more than you can see
more than the stereotypes
that surround me



Okay this part of it is looking good with structure so far. It's already very literal, so you can tell what it's about easy.

Look
Beyond my race
Beyond my status or my self
Beyond my face
Again, very literal. When you say look beyond my self, do you mean you in complete or the outside of you?


Inside
I am confused and crystal clear
confident and proud
paranoid, full of fear
Okay, this verse is my favorite so far. It's not as literal which is good because you always want to have some sort of metaphoric phrase within a poem to make it more interesting. One part I'm not sure of is the contradictory statement "I am confused and crystal clear", forgive me if I am misunderstanding it but if you're confused it's kind of like blurry to you, but crystal clear is like, totally clear in sight. I'm not sure if that's what you meant by it, but that's how it looks.



Myself
I am more than you think I can be
I know i'm myself
I just have to find me.


I like this verse to end this because you are basically coming to them and saying "This is me, I am who I am, and I can prove that I am more than you think I am", a good way to end it, indeed.


Overall rating 8/10
Try to add in more metaphors (that's my opinion) just to make it a bit more interesting.

aurevesque
October 5th, 2009, 12:51 PM
thanks world! yeah, but the 2 nd verse, is supposedto be contradicting, because no one's mind isn't clear as glass, it has its conflicts and all, and that's what i was trying to get across.^^