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Sladazo
October 16th, 2009, 03:52 PM
I have a lot to say. First of all, I'm not sure what I would rate this, probably either T or M in literature terms (provided by the rules). The Prologue should be as bad as it gets, so whoever reads this, please help me decide on a rating.

Next, the plot of this story will not be apparent early in the story, or maybe throughout the whole thing at all. If you read the Prologue though, you will quickly recognize this story will be unique compared to others you have read (most likely), and hopefully still interesting, though the Prologue can't get too exciting. I just hope you give it a try as this story is very important to me in a way.

I would really love constructive criticism on this story, because as I said, it's important to me. I also hope you don't judge the story by the first chapter (Prologue technically) since not too much can happen in it. There was much more I wanted to say, but I've forgotten, so start reading and please leave your comments.

Prologue

Beep.

His watch broke the silence from behind the blinds on the window sill. He always put his watch there before he got into bed to go to sleep. Tonight was different though. He normally didn’t set his watch to go off at any specific time, but the day he had just gone through had caused him to do it tonight. He had been trying to think everything over and calm himself down for the last three hours since he’d been in bed, but it was no use. There was nothing else to do. He felt like he should have just given up a long time ago.

The watch itself wasn’t very loud; the noise was as loud as a random click that came from your electronics every once in a while. It actually hadn’t broken the silence. The breathing of his brother was the only noise he had heard for the past three hours. He moved hardly a muscle in the bed he was in. The rhythm of the breathing didn’t change once the sound went off, but he asked anyway, in a normal voice so he could sound as casual as possible, “Are you still awake Keenan?”

There was no reply, so he got out of bed, with some small trouble, having not moved much for three hours straight. He grabbed his watch from behind the curtains and blinds, the cold air consuming his hand as soon as it reached behind the blinds. He didn’t understand why that area was always cold. It might have been something involving a lot of technical stuff like science, but that wasn’t what he was concerned about right now. After successfully retrieving the watch, he walked to the bathroom, being as quiet as possible.

You know this isn’t the right choice, Cass. There are better options. Just continue laying in bed until you fall asleep. It’s all over and will continue that way, just like always. These thoughts kept racing through his mind as his heart raced while sneaking to the bathroom. It was directly to the left as he left his bedroom, so he entered quickly. Once he was in securely, with the door locked, he turned both the light and fan on. If anyone had awaken besides him, they wouldn’t be able to hear anything happening in the bathroom, because of the fan.

The bathroom wasn’t the cleanest nor dirtiest bathroom. It was bright to him after having been engulfed in darkness for three hours, because of the eight lightbulbs shining down on him as well as the pale, white counters and toilet lighting the place up a slight bit more. The counters came first, then the toilet to the right of them, and the bathtub finishing the area up. A small space behind the door but to the left of the counters contained a narrow closet with many shelves, where towels and various shampoos and soaps rested. He walked to the toilet and pulled his pants and boxers down, then sat on the cold surface. Goosebumps appeared on his legs and thighs, so he pushed his hand onto his thighs and slid them across his thighs to his legs to get rid of the goosebumps.

He reached for his left butt-pocket in his pants and retrieved a silver object from it. There were various tools held within it, but he found the knife tool and opened it up. He himself personally called it a pocketknife as the sharp blade held out in front of him was the only tool he used of the object. Still thinking about his day, he hesitated, then examined himself.

There were already two red lines parallel to each other horizontally on his left leg, particularly in the area above his knee, further up a few inches. In the same area on his right leg, there was one red line horizontally and a vertical red line below it, but the vertical one was faded compared to the other three. He set the pocketknife onto the higher up area of his legs, then slid his fingers down his legs, feeling the bumps of the red lines as he crossed over them. For the last few days, he had been trying to avoid coming to this resolution, as it was normally just a compulsion. Sadly, those few days were the longest he had gone.

Still, flashbacks continued to race through his head. He picked up the pocketknife and gently pushed the tip of the blade under the most southern scar on his left leg. I love you Colton. Then he forced the blade into his skin and slowly slid it to the right, blood trailing the tip.

Eliminator Jr.
October 16th, 2009, 04:24 PM
Hey Sladazo. Like you said earlier, there's not much I can take from this story to piece together the plot in my mind, but prologues aren't always supposed to be so obvious and/or eventful so it's okay. I'll read your next chapter, see where the story starts going.

He normally didn’t set his watch to go off at any specific time, but the day he had just gone through caused him to do it tonight.
Should probably be "had caused him", although I'm not an expert on this stuff by any stretch of the imagination so there's a chance I'm wrong.

He tried to think everything over and calm himself down for the last three hours since he’d been in bed, but it was no use.
Maybe "he had been trying to think everything over etc." because it sort of sounds weird going from that into "for the last three hours".

The breathing of his brother was the only noise he could hear for the past three hours.
Maybe the only noise "he had heard for the past three hours". The whole which tense again.

I have a lot to say. First of all, I'm not sure what I would rate this, probably either T or M in literature terms (provided by the rules). The Prologue should be as bad as it gets, so whoever reads this, please help me decide on a rating.
Yeah, this shouldn't be that bad for ratings if this is as bad as it gets - there's far worse stuff out in the Fan Fiction section than this so whichever of the two (T or M) is the lower rating, I'd go with that. Maybe.

Next, the plot of this story will not be apparent early in the story, or maybe throughout the whole thing at all. If you read the Prologue though, you will quickly recognize this story will be unique compared to others you have read (most likely), and hopefully still interesting, though the Prologue can't get too exciting. I just hope you give it a try as this story is very important to me in a way.
The prologue is unique, but because not much happens, most of it is just description. Maybe that's the way you write. It's good, I liked it. I can't lie and say I'm hooked to read more, but I'm going to anyway, just to make sure I'm not missing anything. Sounds like it might be an interesting story that doesn't have to involve the destruction of the world or something on a large scale like that, which'd be different too. Anyway, keep it up.

I would really love constructive criticism on this story, because as I said, it's important to me. I also hope you don't judge the story by the first chapter (Prologue technically) since not too much can happen in it. There was much more I wanted to say, but I've forgotten, so start reading and please leave your comments.
Yeah, I can't really add much to constructive criticism. Originally it was because your writing style was different but reading over the prologue a second time it's like music, it grows on you. Maybe just re-check your work for stuff like past and present tense and if you're better at grammar than I am (more likely than not) then check your grammar as well. But yeah, well done, enjoyable read. I'm looking forward to more (it got a lot better on the second read for some reason).

Sladazo
October 16th, 2009, 10:51 PM
Should probably be "had caused him", although I'm not an expert on this stuff by any stretch of the imagination so there's a chance I'm wrong.

To me, it sounds better than how I have it currently worded so I'll change it to your suggestion.


Maybe "he had been trying to think everything over etc." because it sort of sounds weird going from that into "for the last three hours".

Once again, it sounds better than how it's currently worded in my opinion, so thanks again.


Maybe the only noise "he had heard for the past three hours". The whole which tense again.

That seems like a true, valid mistake on my part, thanks for finding it. I don't think I normally have had trouble with tenses, but I guess so.


Yeah, this shouldn't be that bad for ratings if this is as bad as it gets - there's far worse stuff out in the Fan Fiction section than this so whichever of the two (T or M) is the lower rating, I'd go with that. Maybe.

It actually might get just a little bit worse, but here's the descriptions on the ratings:

For T - "Suitable for teens, 13 years and older, with some violence, minor coarse language, and minor suggestive adult themes."

For M - "Not suitable for children or teens below the age of 16 with possible strong but non-explicit adult themes, references to violence, and strong coarse language."

I just think it's so bad because there are kids on this forum (I assume), and if I put up an M rating and they ignore it and end up reading the Prologue, they might be encouraged to do what Cass did, so they look cool or whatever IRL. All it takes is for a kid to read the Prologue, which is the first thing in the story, before they start to.. "do this act". I'm putting it like that just for the very low possibility a kid DOES read this and doesn't understand what's happening. :P

I also realize generations are changing and many 12+ year olds are more mature than what's stereotypical, but still, I don't want to encourage readers to do what Cass did. What he did is actually more realistic to be able to do than "destruction of the world" which is normally contained within the darker stories. I've said too much on this though, hopefully you just get what I'm trying to say.


The prologue is unique, but because not much happens, most of it is just description. Maybe that's the way you write. It's good, I liked it. I can't lie and say I'm hooked to read more, but I'm going to anyway, just to make sure I'm not missing anything. Sounds like it might be an interesting story that doesn't have to involve the destruction of the world or something on a large scale like that, which'd be different too. Anyway, keep it up.

I've always described things a lot (except in my first story, but I consider that a fic; to me, 'stories' and 'fics' are different things but that's another subject), I've actually worried I don't do it enough. The Prologue isn't supposed to be exciting, but I guess it should at least hook you, so I'm disappointed in myself because of that. I guess I was relying on the uniqueness to be enough to hook readers (how many stories have you read involving this act?) but I guess that didn't work as well as I planned.


Yeah, I can't really add much to constructive criticism. Originally it was because your writing style was different but reading over the prologue a second time it's like music, it grows on you. Maybe just re-check your work for stuff like past and present tense and if you're better at grammar than I am (more likely than not) then check your grammar as well. But yeah, well done, enjoyable read. I'm looking forward to more (it got a lot better on the second read for some reason).

I would really appreciate if you kept reading, to have at least one person that reviews this. At the end, I will explain why this story is so important to me, and that will most likely answer what the plot of the story is if you don't know by then. As I said, the plot might be difficult to find out, even if you go through the entire story. The theme of the story will be much more obvious though; you'll probably figure it out quickly, but don't feel bad if you don't.

I remembered what I wanted to say, but I'll put that in my next update as it wouldn't fit here. :P

Sladazo
October 21st, 2009, 02:05 PM
Okay, the second chapter. Figures as soon as I finally post it, I forget most of what I wanted to say in the first post after having remembered it afterwards.

But what I do remember: the title of the story seems strange, but it's the line that made me write the story. It taught me something (hint to a major spoiler, anybody guess?) and I just want to spread it around. Also, this story will probably only be 10-20 chapters, then I'll be sharing another story.

That actually didn't come out how I previously planned it to, but that's not really important compared to the actual story, so I'll just post it. Remember, I really appreciate your reviews and would love to answer any questions you might have. Still not an exciting chapter, but it's getting there I hope.

Chapter One

“I hope you didn’t think you had gotten rid of me,” Mrs. Swan said with a smile, looking back at Cass. They entered her office and he sat down on the chair that wasn’t filled with papers and other various things. After closing the door, she took a seat as well, at her desk.

The room was filled with many different types of items that related to the beach. A large picture of the beach hung on the wall next to her desk, an umbrella shaded her desk and beach ball figures and sandcastle figures, among other different types of objects, were scattered around wherever there was room.

“Now I know you’ve been saying you’ve been fine,” she started, crossing her arms in her lap, “but teens sometimes just say that because they think they will get in trouble if they tell someone they’re not alright. You, for example, don’t want to see an outside counselor, so you might be hiding your true feelings because you don’t want to be sent to one.” She paused, and started thinking of what to say next. “But if you’re truly feeling depressed and having those dark thoughts still, you need to tell me so I can try to help. No one wants to lose you; even the people who don’t like you will be affected by your death.”

Once it was clear she wasn’t going to speak anymore, Cass assumed she was waiting for an answer. He tried to think of when he last had any dark thoughts, but they were all a month and a half ago. True, he had purposely injured himself the previous day, but that wasn’t because he was feeling depressed. First of all, it was a compulsion, an overwhelming urge to do it. Second, it was the only guaranteed way of relieving anger and stress that he knew of. Him being confused all night had stressed him out, so the compulsion reacted and made him do it.

Shaking his head, he said, “Nope, I’ve been feeling fine. Those thoughts were all a month and a half ago.”

“That’s good then,” then she paused, thinking of what to say next once again. Deciding to get off of the topic of depression, they started their normal talk of what he wanted to be when he grew up and his goals for the future.

After the bell rang, they both got up and started getting ready to leave. “I’ll show you a shortcut to the buses,” she said. Leading him through many different hallways and doors he had never been through or even knew about, they eventually reached a large, rectangular door. It didn’t look like any door he had seen inside a building before. When he stepped out, he realized it really would have been quicker if he went the way he had come in, but he liked exploring so he didn’t say anything. It would be rude as well.

Exiting the building from the door to his right, he walked to his bus, the wind blowing his hair around. It wasn’t long (compared to what “long” was to guys these days) but it wasn’t short either. It was soft though so the wind had no trouble whipping it up.

As he stepped up into the bus, he thought, I hate the wind.

~-~-~

“Hey,” said an instant message from Becki. After a few seconds, another message popped up asking for his number.

Uh, okay, he thought, typing his number into the box and hitting the enter button. I hope this isn’t someone else using her account. It was more likely than it seemed really.

“Cool, I’ll text you,” she replied.

Sure enough, a minute later, his phone vibrated, and showed an unrecognized number. “Sup,” he wrote in, then sent it. Turning back to his computer, he closed the IM and then logged out of Facebook.

His phone vibrated again. “Not much,” it read. “Hey, you said you go to counseling for the scars right?”

Not surprised that she brought that up, he replied “yes” then went to the kitchen. At school earlier, they had talked about it as he heard she had hurt herself before once as well. He knew a lot of other people that also did it, but Becki was someone that he could talk to comfortably about it. He knew she was going to bring that subject up because: a) after they were finished talking about it at school, she said she would and b) to eighth graders, it was an interesting topic.

As the familiar rumble sounded, except more obnoxious because it was on a different surface, he answered his phone once again. “I have to go to it too. It sucks doesn’t it?” He replied “yes” but didn’t really think so. He got time out of class and could comfortably talk with an adult for once about he was feeling, with the assurance he wouldn’t be judged or made fun of, but rather helped.

After grabbing a bag of Lays from the cabinet, he shut the light off and went back into his room. With nothing else to do, he sat on his bed and just ate, waiting for the vibrations of his phone.

After talking for about ten minutes, she finally brought up the questions he was expecting. “Why do you do it? And how long have you been doing it?”

He didn’t want to share the real reason with anyone as to why he did it in the first place. He hadn’t even told Mrs. Swan or any of the other counselors he talked to because she was gone. However, he decided to and hoped he wouldn’t feel bad later because the subject was too special to him.

“You know Colton?” he asked.