View Full Version : [Pokémon] Breaking the Barriers [PG-13]

Articuno Girl
October 17th, 2009, 12:45 AM
This is only a relatively new fanfic I've been working on, starting in late September.
My literacy skills are improving [I've been told I'm decent at writing for someone of my age], and I'm willing to hear any reviews or ideas of how to make this story better.
One little side note to this story. There will be a "Fakemon" as they are called, involved with the plot.

Now, for the reason you actually decided to read this post.

Chapter 1 - Nightfall.

The sun's bright rays diminished to a soft purple to meet with the blue of approaching night. Church bells began ringing to signal the beginning of night curfew, their noise echoing throughout the paved streets of Hearthome city. The reaction received was the fleetingly quick steps of people and slamming of doors. After a few minutes, the bells ceased to ring, leaving an erriely quiet city. All that could be heard was the soft splashing of fountains and the quiet murmurs of roosting Starly upon rooftops.
Against curfew creeped along a beige cloaked figure, hood shielding her face from the light. Her steps were soft and she ran down the paths weaving between houses. She then stopped at one and peered from behind the wall at a navy uniformed night guard beginning to light the night lamps. She pressed her body against the rough brick wall to avoid being seen. The clacking of heeled shoes came closer and she held her breath and made her body completely stiff. The flickering light from the flame reached her feet, before then disappearing along the the loud shoes.
Once the guard was out of audible range and sight, she peeled herself off the wall and hurried along the lit lamps which shadows danced and swayed with the flames.
Above loomed the high torrents of the church and it's bell tower which brought upon this restriction every night.
Nearby a gentle bell chimed across the sound of her ragged breathing. She paused and looked around, suddenly becoming paranoid.
It rang again. A sound of pain. She took a few more steps and listened for the call, then following it carefully. Soon the sound came from right beneath her feet as she bent down to take a closer look. Her hands searched the pavement for what her eyes could not see. The back of her hand brushed up against a small object, which she took carefully into both hands and held up to her eyes. Lying there helpless to her touch with eyes shut tightly, a small Chingling. It chimed again in pain, it's tussles draped across it's body. A small tear fell down the girl's cheek.
The church doors creaked, breaking her out of trance and back into reality. Her eyes quickly scanned the streets before she jumped down the church steps and began running slowly, gently clutching the injured Chingling with both hands.

Two people sat opposite ends of an old wooden table, hands rested near empty plates as they waited impatiently and quietly. The smell of spices was almost too tempting to bear.
Suddenly the door was thrust open and a panting girl ran inside, then slamming the door shut behind her.
"You're late.." the oldest one muttered over to her, flicking a strand of red hair from his face in annoyance. "You've got to stop breaking curfew, we can't keep paying the penalties for when you get caught."
The hood cloak was thrown up onto a hook and she rushed over to the eldest's side, holding the Chingling out to him. He looked down upon it and frowned.
"Where did you find this?" He said as he picked it up and eyed it curiously, his eyebrow raising as it chimed. He let out a sigh and returned the Pokemon back to her hands.
"Sarah it's but a mere runt of a thing and judging by the look of it, it wont live longer than a week."
The words struck her down and the spark in her blue eyes dulled. She walked off, then murmuring a half hearted "Good night," to her siblings.
The second oldest glared at his older brother. "You could've at least eased onto the truth slowly so she wouldn't become all depressed like that."
"Ty, she's 11, she'll get over it. By tomorrow morning she'll have forgotten all about it and she'll be running around screaming and laughing."
Ty grunted and slid his chair back, then standing up and said "I'm not hungry anymore, you can eat what you want." Then he removed himself from the room and traveled up the stairs, pausing in front of Sarah's room. He could hear muffled sobbing along with the soft chiming. His knuckles tapped against the door before twisting the knob and entering. Sarah was sprawled across her bed, the Chingling laying on a small pillow on the windowsill where the moonlight shone through, making it appear somewhat ominous.
He settled himself on the floor next to the bed, crossing his legs to make himself comfortable.
"Jason didn't really mean what he said you know. We were in a similar situation when we were about your age, back in Hoenn."
She lifted her head out of her pillow and wiped her red eyes. "Really?" she whimpered.
He nodded, making his blonde hair bounce slightly on his shoulders. "Ah yes, we found an abandoned Pidgey on the side of the road. It was rather young, probably exiled from it's own nest. It was covered in blood and gashes when we found it, but we managed to nurse it back to health."
"So do you think I can make Chingling better?" She sniffled.
"Yes, but do you think you can?"
She reached over with pale fingertips to gently stroke the Pokemon.
Ty smiled and jumped back up to his feet. "Keep up the hope and she'll be fine. Good night Sarah." Then he turned his attention to Chingling. "And good night to you too."
He turned his back to the pair and close the door behind him as he returned to his own room, laying upon his own bed and staring at the ceiling, lost in thought.
Sarah pulled a herb out from under her bed and laid it close to the sleeping Pokemon. "Get well soon.." She whispered as she curled up in her own bed, falling into her dreams quickly.
On the ground level, Jason was slowly chewing on stale bread with butter, his eyes locked on a photo of happier times.

Articuno Girl
October 20th, 2009, 5:36 PM
Chapter 2 - Encounter
The following morning Sarah bounded down the stairs, a spring in her steps and happiness in her voice.
"Look at Chingling, look at Chingling!" She repeated, pointing at the small bell sitting contently on her shoulder. It chimed a greeting.
Jason looked at it and raised his eyebrow, then set his morning newspaper aside. Meanwhile Ty smiled and nodded, seeming rather pleased with his own advice and the fact that his brother had been proved wrong.
"Yes..very good to see," Jason said in a mild tone, forcing a fake smile upon pale lips.
She grinned in satisfaction and gently petted her new friend.
"Can we go out into the fields to pick some berries?" She squealed.
Ty chuckled, falling upside down off his chair to look at the pair. He held up a finger and did an impression of Jason in a girly tone, "Only if you come back before sunset without another night guard standing beside you."
"Hey I do not sound like that!" he shouted and slammed his hands on the table in a playful manner, copying the same voice Ty had used.
Sarah laughed as she ran out the door, cloak in hand, leaving the door swinging on it's hinges.
"She's like a younger version of us, isn't she?" Ty said, sitting up straight and ruffling his hair.
Jason walked over and pulled the door shut. "Things were different back then and you know that."
"It's exactly the same. Just because things ended in such a way doesn't mean it will happen to her."
"And what if it does? What then?"
"Jason stop this nonsense! Get over the past already!" Ty shouted.
He gripped the door handle tightly and averted his gaze, then without a word he walked quietly down the hallway.
"She's just a kid! Let her enjoy that!" he called out to his brother, then sighing as he disappeared around the corner.

The pair walked in the short grasses in the shade of trees. They had made it out of the city and were now just relaxing after all the running they had done to achieve getting there. Sarah sighed and watched her breath mist in the crisp morning air. It would be getting warmer later on in the day however since the sky was blue and cloudless, very little of a breeze blowing too.
The sound of water splashing against rocks was soft and quiet, along with the scent of damp grass. A few Combee flitted around the trees, searching for honey or any sweet fruit they could manage to find.
She reached the collection of plants she occasionally sought berries from behind a tree somewhat larger than the rest. Immediately she began plucking the fruits and burying them into her deep pockets.
Chingling sniffed the air curiously at the new smell and chimed for attention. Sarah petted it before then returning back to her work. Suddenly growing impatient, Chingling rose from it's position on her shoulder to levitating in the air, slowly inching it's way over to one of the vines before falling down, landing on a dropped Oran berry. Pleased with itself for it's almost successful attempt at flying, it began eating the berry, taking small bites at a time to get used to the strange taste.
A loud buzzing came from behind, one that mentioned danger. Sarah slowly turned her head around until she had come face to face with a disturbed Vespiquen, anger flashing in it's red eyes. Unthinkingly, Sarah threw one of the berries she was holding at it, it splitting and juices flying all over the Pokemon's body. It seemed to have only made it angrier and it hissed a warning.
She whimpered and crawled backward in a cowardly fashion, dragging the feasting Chingling away with covered hands.
"Fearow, use Screech!"ordered an urgent and strong voice coming from the left. A long beaked bird's form grew out of a red light, and it ruffled it's feathers with it's current freedom. It threw it's head back and opened it's beak, a loud shriek coming from within it's throat. The attack lasted a few seconds before fading out into silence. Not even the leaves rustled, as if afraid to.
The Vespiquen buzzed in discontent and fled into the trees.
With that a figure well dressed in a rich red came forward, clicking her fingers to signal to retreat. The large bird crawled off the bug and strutted over to it's owner, cocking it's head to the side questioningly. The woman gently stroked the feathers under it's eye while murmuring soft words.
Sarah watched the pair, then picking up her Chingling and gently nuzzling it. "Sorry for almost getting us killed.." she whispered. It looked back into it's eyes, fear stricken and trembling before then chiming loudly and high pitched.
The woman then spun around, inspecting the young girl and the fear stricken Chingling who seemed to be suffering.
"What are you doing out in the forest alone? And why was that Pokemon about to attack you?" she asked, a slight frown forming upon her face.
"I..was getting berries..I always come here to pick berries. I've never seen that Vespiquen either. I'm sorry i was a bother.." she said, speaking more quietly the more she said.
The frown then changed to a gentle smile. "Come on, I'll fly you home before you get in trouble with your parents."
Sarah nodded, picking herself off the ground and settling the Chingling into the hood of her cloak, then pulling it around to the front.
The woman whistled sharply which brought forth another painful chime. The Fearow however lowered it's body to the ground, kneeling on one knee to allow passengers.
She patted a spot below the bird's shoulders, "Sit here."
Sarah did as she was told without a word and awkwardly sat on the intended place, the Pokemon moving uneasily beneath her.
She sat behind Sarah and gripped the muscle of Fearow's shoulder, then clicking her tongue against the roof of her mouth. Suddenly the body beneath her quivered, then lurching forward, raising it's wings then beating down as it jumped into the air. Sarah grasped a handful of it's feathers and bit her lip to hinder herself from screaming.
Above the treetops they rose, soon being greeted by familiar skyscrapers of the city.
"Where do you live?" she shouted above the sound of rushing air.
"Just below us!" she replied, unable to remove her hands from the feathers.
The thin fingered hand pulled at the left shoulder, the wing bending inwards which sent them spiralling down.
Feet loudly hit against the ground and Fearow grunted as it shifted it's weight to prevent it from breaking any bones. He then knelt again, kneeling on the opposite knee.
Sarah unclenched her fingers and slid down it's wing back to the ground.
"Is your Chingling going to be okay?" the woman asked, twisting her autumn coloured hair around her fingers as she moved up on the Fearow's back.
"Yeah," she said, then pausing to think. "I think it's sick."
"Could be trauma, keep it away from bugs and maybe high pitched or loud noises too." She petted her Fearow. "I'll be off, take care." She said, clicking her tongue again. The bird leapt into the air and flew off toward the North of the city.

October 21st, 2009, 6:50 AM
Well, might I say since you're new at this, Articuno Girl, there are somethings that stick out. First, you should double-space between the dialogue and new paragraphs. This kind of runs together as is and makes it a little difficult to read. Also, the imagery was kind of nice in the general sense, but you should concentrate a little more on character description. It just seemed kind of basic, good for a beginner but could be better. Don't know why, but Chingling seemed a bit blank to me during the first part. Otherwise, you seem to have a fairly good grasp of the basics! I'll check back later to see how this goes. It sounds really interesting to me!

Obsidian Blade
October 21st, 2009, 9:52 AM
I only had time to read chapter one, but overall I enjoyed it. I agree with Skunter about paragraphing, mind – while double spacing looks awkward in your word document, indentation doesn't work on most forums so paragraphing your piece as though it were a book just doesn't work, annoyingly.

Your narration has quite good flow to it and your word choice seems clean but the chapter was bogged down with grammatical mistakes.

Firstly, you fall into the common trap of using "it's" as the possessive form of "it" - in fact, "it's" means "it is" so you need to drop the apostrophe in various places throughout the chapter, particularly around the description of Chingling.

You also have a habit of using the wrong verb form. For example:

She took a few more steps and listened for the call, then following it carefully.

This should be "She took a few more steps and listened for the call, then followed it carefully."

Suddenly the door was thrust open and a panting girl ran inside, then slamming the door shut behind her.

"Then slamming" should be "then slammed" or simply "slamming"; you're twisting your tenses about a bit. This seems to be tied to your general overuse of "then" as well, as seen in the following:

She walked off, then murmuring a half hearted "Good night," to her siblings.

"She walked off, murmuring a half-hearted "Good night" to her siblings."

Ty grunted and slid his chair back, then standing up and said

This could either be "standing up and saying" or "then stood up and said".

Generally, I feel it would help your writing most if you try to keep away from "then" as it's quite often unnecessary. For example, the line "The flickering light from the flame reached her feet, before then disappearing" completely undermines the competence of "before" - cut out "then" and it becomes just as comprehensible and in fact much nicer to read. It just feels like you're a bit over-eagre to qualify: if a word isn't needed, cut it out. Your style is already concise, so doing this will only make your narrative seem more confident and consistent.

I say more confident and consistent, of course, because it's already partway there. The lines "It rang again. A sound of pain." are absolutely perfect; it's brilliant how powerful you've made six words become. Power through concision is again evident in the simple words "against curfew", where you quickly and seamlessly underline what the previous paragraph represented.

Furthermore, I particularly liked "once the guard was out of audible range and sight" though I think you may have made a typo in the end of the sentence, specifically somewhere in "along the lit lamps which shadows danced", which I cannae make sense of. It seems an exceptional shame because the combined imagery of swaying flames and dancing shadows sounds like it would be very potent.

Thinking of typos, I think you have another lurking in the line "along the the loud shoes" and perhaps also where you mention the church's "torrents". Did you maybe mean "turrets" there?

Leaping back to things I really liked, the description of the sunset and the city growing quiet save for the Starly and running water gave a very beautiful, tranquil mental image. I thought that opening paragraph as a whole was well-crafted, though I believe the second sentence would be improved if you dropped "their noise" from the start of the second clause. Again, that's just down to my belief that less is more, which also leads me to think "she pressed her body against the rough brick wall" would be better with "wall" cut off the end. This is because your second paragraph runs particularly well yet seems cluttered by the repetition of that word in two consecutive sentences.

Overall, I felt your chapter was suitably intriguing for the opening to a story and well-written save for the minor errors I've already covered. I'll definitely read on to the second when I have the chance. Best of luck writing the third, and apologies if this review was a bit convoluted. Rushed it a bit. D: